Sick to my stomach and alone. (long)

June 10, 2007

I really wish I knew how to start. I've been on here before but I wrote in the infidelity side. God my head is spinning and I feel so out of control with heartache.

Well, my husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. I know that doesn't seem long to some of you but hearing my story will make it seem like a lifetime.

In the beginning everything was wonderful. I was a happy little wife feeling so proud of my newly married life. I found out I was pregnant and was living a dream. I had a very hard home life as a child so I was excited to have a new life and start some really found and happy memories with him.

At 5 1/2 months pregnant it all came crashing down on me. I found out my husband was cheating. It is a very long, and sad story but I'm going to try to give you the readers digest version.

When I caught him, it was an accident. I was on the internet looking for a site I had just visited to send to my mom. I went on the history and there is all was.......adult friend finder......myspace....porn.....and im chats on aol and yahoo. I was completely devastated and torn apart. We fought over all this, I'm sure you can imagine but life went on and so did we. I really just wanted to get to counseling and have the baby. We where due to leave for Hawaii about 3 months after I give birth so I just wanted to smooth things over till then.

Well, at 7 months pregnant I went into preterm labor and was put on meds and 2 months of bed rest till I reached my 38th week. It was agony. I would lay there all day and wait for him to come home. He would complain about how I was drinking so much that we had nothing left in the fridge. He would get mad when I asked him for things and not once did he sit down and ask me if I wanted my back or feet rubbed. he would take off to the pool and I wouldn't see him for a few hours. I felt so alone. When I asked him to touch my tummy because our baby was moving...that would be a complaint too. I just didn't understand what was so wrong with me that he had to go out of his way to be nice to the women he married. Well, at 9 months....2 weeks before I actually gave birth, it dawned on me......check his phone!! I did and that opened up, yet another worm hole. I found out he had a girlfriend, for three months....I actually got to talk to her. she did not know who I was because he told her that he was single.

Well, again to make this story shorter I'm going to skip ahead. I gave birth to a beautiful little girl by the way. we moved to Hawaii and everything seemed okay. we went to counseling for a little bit and it seemed to help with our communication. on the night I got my wisdom teeth taken out, I caught my husband sneaking over to our neighbors house at 2 am in the morning. He thought I was drugged and sleeping but i actually faked it because I felt that bad feeling in my stomach that something was up. Well, my neighbor was a women who's husband was deployed and she was very pretty. I liked her a lot but ...I guess so did he. I didn't really get to see anything but I saw him sneak over and I knocked at her door. Till this day he swears he was only talking at 2 am in the morning with a half naked women while i was drugged and NO BABY MONITOR with him.

Well, after that, I had enough. I left him and went back home to stay with my parents. I really wanted him to know what it was like if I where to leave. I'm sure he partied it up with women while I was gone but he put on this nice show for me to come home. after 4 months of being separated I came home because he was due to leave for Iraq in a few months at that time. Plus, I really wanted him to spend time with his daughter before he left.

Now, its been 10 1/2 long, scary and lonely months into the deployment. We have had some ups and downs just like they said we would. but he seemed like he was really changing as a person while he was over there. and it gave me hope to be honest.

Let me clarify exactly why I am writing on here...I love my husband more than I can ever explain in writing or words. The moment I realized I was in love with him I knew I would do anything for him. Now I sit here today wondering what the hell I should do. We had a disagreement the other day, seemed quite silly but blew up to something bigger than I could have thought. It started with him emailing me ......he said he had a surprise for me, they where pictures of him!! Which was great because I have received very few of those while he has been gone. Some where a little risque......but not naked.....and I asked him whose camera did he use. He refused to tell me..........wow now I just asked him a simple question but he said he didn't want to tell me because I'm prying.......now that all blew up to......well your snooping......and you have no trust in me....blah blah blah....etc. Now he really peaked my interest with the whose camera because you make a big deal about that?? seriously......well the whole day was spent in silence between us both.......until today. I told him how I had been feeling....and he told me how he was feeling and all of the sudden...it was......a fight again. I told him how I felt the whole deployment, he doesn't seem to wanna put any effort into our relationship when I have been holding it up since the whole cheating stuff and that I wanted him to try. He never understood that I am on his side....no one wants him to succeed more the me!! But he makes me feel like an outsider in his life. I'm not an equal in his eyes. Well, atleast thats how I feel. Now don't get me wrong my husband and I where doing great until this point. and all of the sudden he hits me with this.....

"There are actually no women out there like you hun. You are truly one of a kind and a great success story as a person. But, what threw me off with your last email is when you said If you want this to be better....you have to earn it. For me, this is strange. You tell me you love me, you tell me we just need to ride out the deployment and all this, but at the same time I have to earn this marriage being as great as it can be? I believe in fate, where as whatever happens will happen and nothing can change that. I am so tired, physically and mentally. I don't even know if I have the strength left to make this work..."

Now, he just kinda.....gave up and told me no.....he doesn't want to work for it. It should just happen for him. He also shared with me that he wants a perfect marriage. well I'm sure he will be single for the rest of his life. my dilemma is...what do I do...I am in a place that I know no one. stuck out on a island with our almost two year old daughter. I have been fighting and taking on the world for this man and he is so selfish to have thrown it away like that. I have no where to go.......I had a horrible home life and I just can't bring my daughter into that kind of place......my in laws are like my real parents to me. They keep telling me their story of hope and love...how his father did the same thing but they have been married for 30 years now. That story gave me false hope this whole time...while my heart was being ripped into a million pieces by there son. I have 4 1/2 months left of this before he is due home.....now I don't know if I want to go on anymore....but i am so alone. I have never cried so much in my life till today....that man has no clue how much i love him but he just keeps finding ways to push me back down on my knees. Please help me...I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so lost and so very very tired.

June 10, 2007

This is a very sad story. It seems like our soldiers are getting younger and younger... actually they aren't. I enlisted in 70, was in combat the same year.

Your husband may be mature enough to take and follow orders, and to fight and die for his countrymen, but he clearly isn't mature enough to nurture and love his wife and child.

I don't know that there is any way to speed his maturing process. As harsh as it sounds you need to protect yourself and your child first. I will say a prayer for all of you.

June 10, 2007

well , it is obvious that you are miserable .

if your husband is getting so upset over the camera question , that tells me he has something to hide . and by trying to accuse you of prying , he is attempting to put the blame on you so you will feel bad .

i know you wanted to make it work , but unfortunately , most of the time it's "once a cheater , always a cheater" .

and as my mother has told me , and her mother has told her : "it is better to be alone and miserable rather than to be miserable with someone that makes you miserable" .

and i know you want what's best for your daughter . my parents divorced so i wouldn't have to grow up around fights and arguments , my mom raised me , and i turned out fine .

you may be getting the "she'll need a father if she wants to be decent" speech , but it is worse for your daughter to grow up around arguments and deception .

your husband was VERY selfish to think of everything as a complaint when you were pregnant , and even lower to be fooling around on you when you are sick in bed , carrying HIS child .

if he truly loved you , he would've been right by your side .

so ask yourself : do you really want to live the rest of your life like this with that kind of man ?

my best advice : get a divorce before it's too late . there are so many better men out there . you may love this man , but obviously doesn't love you when he's messing around , lying , and making no effort to work out a relationship .

don't be miserable . i hope this all works out for you .

June 10, 2007

Buf, that's very horrible what your husband is doing to you. He's the one who's been cheating, not you. He needs to grow up and be a man! He's about to lose someone who loves him for him, and he can't even see that. There is better out there for you. You don't have any other relatives that you could stay with? Your husband may know this, and is using this against you. You need to get out of this marriage. By the way, did you tell the neighbors husband about what his wife has been doing behind his back?

June 10, 2007

He obviously has skeletons to hide in his closet. That's why he gets overly sensitive about stuff that shouldn't be a big deal at all. Listen to the previous posts. What's best for you is to get out of this marriage. Yes you are in love with this man. But do you want to see yourself spending the rest of your life with a guy like this? Now you've seen his true self. Someone who doesn't give a damn. Someone who only cares about himself. Your fortunate you found out

after being married with him for only 2+ years. I wish I had the same fortune as you being married 14 years.

Think about yourself and your kid. That alone is what matters the most. Go see if you can stay with a relative or a friend. Go check and find out your rights as a military wife when it comes to divorce and weigh your options.

Vent here at LS. Check out other posts/threads. You'll see the behavior/patterns of a cheating spouse is all the same.

June 11, 2007

Well, my whole life....all I wanted was normal and stubility so I am heartbroken over all of this. But I am very serious about my vows and I know my husband someday can be a better man. He has very low self asteem and I know that affects his decitions as a person.

I have given a vow to be with him....through sickness and health till death do us part. I know he has damaged the part about forsaking all others....but I would feel like a failor to myself and my daughter if I didn't atleast try to carry him when he feels so out of control and worthless. I just think someday.....if I fight enough for him...that he will want to fight for me. Not that I want to continue living in a broken marraige but I can't let go that he is unreversable.

My father in law told me a very heartwarming story about what he did do is wife. It was almost like my story with my husband. It brought me to tears. but there they are...30 years married and he treats her like a princess. I just hold on to hope.......that all I have right now....hope and love. I just have no one to turn to if I can't make it work. I can't go home...I can't just go live with his parents.....that would be a daily reminder of him. I feel so utterly alone in life.

One thing I have realised is he is suffering over there Iraq. I think in a way, becaues he is hurting....he wants me to hurt too. Makes it easier for him to dump his problems on me. Its hard....but I'm trying to carry that burdan. did I make any sence??

June 11, 2007

I think that you need to decide whether to accept what he is giving you or look at your alternatives...you can't change anyone, they have to change themselves...

I'm glad to see you back, I was wondering how you were doing...

(((HUGS)))

June 11, 2007

Now, he just kinda.....gave up and told me no.....he doesn't want to work for it. It should just happen for him. He also shaired with me that he wants a perfect marraige

That's just ridiculous.

Maybe he's too immature to understand what a marriage and fatherhood requires. Maybe he's too selfish. I don't know.

But, you don't really can't do much while he's deployed. Right now, it's all going to fall on deaf ears. He's around the world and in a completely different frame of mind. He can't think of anything but himself right now.

Focus on your daughter, with his parents' help, until he returns - THEN you can focus on what your marriage will become. THEN you can get him into some parenting classes, and into some marital counseling. THEN you can get his parents' support to get him into those parenting classes and into marital counseling, if you need it.

Start taking your daughter to Mommy and Me classes. Make some friends among the other mothers around you so you don't feel so alone. Can you leave your daughter with his parents and take some classes or get to the gym? Don't forget to have a life of your own.

June 11, 2007

Well, my delema is that I live by myself with our daughter in Hawaii. My in laws live in MA.........so I can't really just get myself over there whenever I want. and as far as friends here....thats hard being a military spouse. It invites a lot of drama and being a FRG leader (family readiness group) I have to be in of sound mind and helping other spouses that are having a hard time during this deployment. I can't just ask one of them to help me because 9 times out of 10 ...they're spouses work with my husband and that would just cause more friction that I don't need.

Now for the change part. I am a smart women. I know that I am not in control of my husbands thoughts ...feelings....and everything else. I know if he wants to change then its HIS desition. but understand that I just want to be involved with it. He needs help.....he has problems and I just want to be there to hold him when he feels week and unable. I don't want to do the work for him...but to be a support in his life. hoping one day when he gets his act together that he will do the same for me. I just am having a hard time doing that. Its heartbreaking that I have to put my whole life on hold for this. I want more children...I want to go back to work.....and school. I'm just very confused and sometimes i just get angry because he is so lucky to have me still standing here in his life.

June 11, 2007

When I first found out my STBXW was cheating on me, the first thing on my mind was to try to work things out with her and see if we can salvage the marriage. You both made vows and he broke his. That doesn't mean you need to be a doormat. Always forgiving. Letting him get away with what he did. If he's not even sorry or willing to work things out which was the case with my STBXW, I realized that I need to take control back. I really feel that it was the best decision I had made in my life. I look back at where I am and where we were before. I am so much happier being alone. And knowing someday I'll find someone who will make me happy.

You can't change who he is but you have a choice. I am sorry to tell you this but you have to wake up and smell the coffee. I am not saying to give up. But you need to put your foot down and make him pick. If he's not willing to change or even want to try then well it's time to move on. You have a right to be happy too. It takes two to make a marriage work and not just one.

Well, my whole life....all I wanted was normal and stubility so I am heartbroken over all of this. But I am very serious about my vows and I know my husband someday can be a better man. He has very low self asteem and I know that affects his decitions as a person.

I have given a vow to be with him....through sickness and health till death do us part. I know he has damaged the part about forsaking all others....but I would feel like a failor to myself and my daughter if I didn't atleast try to carry him when he feels so out of control and worthless. I just think someday.....if I fight enough for him...that he will want to fight for me. Not that I want to continue living in a broken marraige but I can't let go that he is unreversable.

My father in law told me a very heartwarming story about what he did do is wife. It was almost like my story with my husband. It brought me to tears. but there they are...30 years married and he treats her like a princess. I just hold on to hope.......that all I have right now....hope and love. I just have no one to turn to if I can't make it work. I can't go home...I can't just go live with his parents.....that would be a daily reminder of him. I feel so utterly alone in life.

One thing I have realised is he is suffering over there Iraq. I think in a way, becaues he is hurting....he wants me to hurt too. Makes it easier for him to dump his problems on me. Its hard....but I'm trying to carry that burdan. did I make any sence??

June 11, 2007

Well, my whole life....all I wanted was normal and stubility so I am heartbroken over all of this. But I am very serious about my vows and I know my husband someday can be a better man. He has very low self asteem and I know that affects his decitions as a person.

I have given a vow to be with him....through sickness and health till death do us part. I know he has damaged the part about forsaking all others....but I would feel like a failor to myself and my daughter if I didn't atleast try to carry him when he feels so out of control and worthless. I just think someday.....if I fight enough for him...that he will want to fight for me. Not that I want to continue living in a broken marraige but I can't let go that he is unreversable.

My father in law told me a very heartwarming story about what he did do is wife. It was almost like my story with my husband. It brought me to tears. but there they are...30 years married and he treats her like a princess. I just hold on to hope.......that all I have right now....hope and love. I just have no one to turn to if I can't make it work. I can't go home...I can't just go live with his parents.....that would be a daily reminder of him. I feel so utterly alone in life.

One thing I have realised is he is suffering over there Iraq. I think in a way, becaues he is hurting....he wants me to hurt too. Makes it easier for him to dump his problems on me. Its hard....but I'm trying to carry that burdan. did I make any sence??

His father did this to his mother? Apparently, this is learned behavior from his father that your husband needs to get help for. I'm by no means excusing your husbands cheating, I'm just stating the obvious. By the way, Sup is right, he doesn't know what he's about to lose, you can have any man! Hmm, and in black too, my type of color! Um, Anyway I would start checking out what your rights are, Do you realize that infidelity in the military is Illegal, it can/will go hard on him if they were to find out! Especially about the OM thing!

June 12, 2007

My wife has been emotionally abusive and she doesn't even know it.

I live in Michigan. In 2004 She went to her friends home a girl friend of hers she called said she wanted to stay the night. then told me later that she woke up next to her friends husband while I was at work. I forgave her. Then she last year stopped talking her pills and failed to let me know. She was planning something. I did are per tax medical at the end of 2006 and found her pills missing 3-5 months in 2006, I trusted her to be honest, was she NO. I asked her about it and she said it was DR orders to get her hermones regular and that she used a different form, I was never told of any of this. I feel lied to and that she cheated behind my back though I can't prove it. She should have told me she stopped the pills, it was only fair.

quote=Bufzookie;1218013]I really wish I knew how to start. I've been on here before but I wrote in the infidelity side. God my head is spinning and I feel so out of control with heartache.