Is a father's death (by suicide) always a bad thing?

[Faith2]

My father committed suicide, and it damaged me and my sister for life. It ruined my mother. It damaged his own mother and his sister and his best friend. The damage in our lives has reverberated through all our relationships. When my father took his own life, he also took part of our lives, too - all the therapy in the world can never get it back. We have all been tormented by guilt, inconsolable grief, anger, confusion, recurring bouts of depression, and endless endless sadness. That's the legacy my father's suicide left us. My heart continually breaks to think of the anguish and despair he must have suffered - he thought he was doing the right thing, that we would all be better off without him. If only he had known how much we would suffer - forever - I believe he would not have done it.

[Trialbyfire]

Your life is as you make it. You've got some beautiful children to live for. While your ex-wife and yourself may no longer be compatible, that doesn't mean there isn't someone out there for you.

 

Come on, get out of your chair, go for a walk, clear your thoughts. Look around you and see how beautiful the tiny wildflowers are, how green the grass is and how blue the sky is.

 

A chapter in your life is over. You can start a new one. You know you can do it. We're all survivors in one way or another.

[Trialbyfire]

I drove by my ex a few nights ago and felt incredibly sad. I pulled the car into the parking lot of the place I went, so I could go for a walk. Since I enjoy taking pics, I took the digicam from my car (forgot my good digicam at home-dork) and as I walked, snapped off a bunch of pics of wildflowers. In doing so, it helped to distract me from my own miseries and made me realize how beautiful the simplicity of nature really is and how worthwhile it is to be alive.

 

Take a look at these pics and tell me life is not worth living for.

 

http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s140/trialbyfire1/fl0009.jpg

 

http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s140/trialbyfire1/fl0008.jpg

 

http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s140/trialbyfire1/fl0007.jpg

 

http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s140/trialbyfire1/fl0006.jpg

[gr8potential]

Yep..I agree with the common theme here. As a psychiatric nurse I have seen many people benefit from antidepressant treatment and ECT for major depression - but there is also counselling you should attend that will assist you to deal with the constant negative dialogue that is going on in your head. Suicide is not the answer - and is so final, for problems that could be temporary (I think someone else made that point). You have children who love you and they would be absolutely devastated if you took your life. There is life after separation/divorce, but you need to seek professional help (ECT, medication, counselling) ....right now. Read up about this stuff, go to support groups, catch up with friends, go for walks and get some sunshine (helps uplift the mood). There are things you can do...please do not give up. Life is short enough as it is...

[Reckless]

I remember seeing a documentary that highlighted the effect of physical exercise on the clinically depressed. Since you have mentioned

 

a) you go out as little as possible

b) you are overweight and feel this is a reason to die

c) you are clinically depressed

 

May I suggest you do what the people in the program were intstructed to do.

 

TAKE A WALK EVERY DAY.

 

It seems simple but the study showed that ALL of the patients benefited to some degree from this simple step.

 

I'm not saying give up your meds (I hope you are being helped by a trained mental health professional) but I am suggesting that you simply schedule EVERYDAY a 20 min brisk (speedy) walk. Maybe start in a park early in the morning if you are people shy (my 70 year old mother does this and is fit as a fiddle). Don't miss a day. Do this everyday, come back to Loveshack and tell us how you are feeling after a week.

 

 

You illness is not your 'fault', if you had one leg or a broken arm you would not be blamed. You have an emotional broken arm, you have scars inflicted on you by your parents that will always be there. But people with one leg run marathons, cross the andes by foot, marry Paul McCartney (okay bad example given the state of the McCartney marriage... but you see what I mean?). Your illness does not define you. Sure there are things you cannot do, maybe will never be able to do but be a good father is NOT one of those things. Unless you choose to end your life and colour all the good and positive things you have done for your children with one fell whoop.

 

I'd like to add that a very good friend of mind commited suicide over 15 years ago. I knew she was depressed and had encouraged her to seek help. She hung herself with a rope and another mutual friend found her. I still miss her. To this day I feel wracked with guilt that I saw the signs and didn't do enough. You children will never recover fully from what you are planning.

 

If you have the intelligence, forethought, planning ability and determination to decide to commit suicide you have all those qualities at your disposal to decide NOT to; to decide to improve your mental health and reach out for the good things life still holds.

 

If you can decide to die, you can decide to live.

[passionpeach]

I can understand how hard it is for you to go through life's sordid moments yet it does not give you credit to end your life. You have your kids in mind all this time and committing suicide to ease their lives for them is ultimately not a very good solution to your problems. As matter of fact, it is a very devastating experience that you will leave to your children. No matter how hard life's trials may be, they come for a reason and quitting on them defeats the purpose of learning and becoming stronger the next time you encounter such a feat.

 

I grew up living with my uncles and aunts since my dad didn't recognize me as his kid... thinking that my mom went out with another guy just before she got pregnant of me. Needless to say but I grew up without any legal parents beside me so to speak. My mom maintained contact with me by writing me letters but my dad was no where in my world. It was so hard for me that everytime my friends or my classmates ask where my dad is, I tend to feel embarrassed to answer. I do not have anything to be proud of anyway. I feel bitterness in my heart up until now that I am 23.

 

 

You wouldn't want the same thing to happen to your kids man. It may not be easy but still try to go through life and move on. Maybe you can try to move to another place where you can start over again. Try to change your usual routine. Help yourself get up. You'll see... your kids will even be more proud of you if you do that. Don't be too hard on yourself man. Don't try stop the waves of a raging sea because it's sure as hell that you can't. Just stay on your ship and be the best captain you can be... sooner or later, you'll find yourself in safer shores.

[polywog]

Hi dagda1, just checking in to see how you are this morning.

[dagda1]

During the week I have my little guy this summer so I do a little better. It is worse when I am alone to think. Thanks to everyone.

[quankanne]

just checking in with you also, dag ... and thinking about something Curm (I think it was him) said: The loss of a parent is a tragic event for a child, regardless of their age … there's no one to ask about things that occurred in my childhood, the names of people who touched my life, the identity of relatives in old family photos, etc. Even with a wife, children and grandchildren of my own it can be a very lonely feeling.

 

I've got five brothers and sisters, I've got a husband, and I've got a daddy. And the hardest thing I'll have to face is his death, because even though we butt heads and we aren't as close as Mama and I were, I feel like he's the only direct link I've got left, especially since DH and I don't have kids. I miss my mother most especially when I'm going through certain things that come with aging, because I need to share these things with her; I imagine it'll be doubly so with my daddy gone, because like I said, he's the only direct link I've got – my sibs are great, but they're not my parents, they don't "get me," and they will never, ever be able to love me the way my parents have. So please reconsider taking your own life – even if things are peachy keen with your kids, you play an incredibly important role in their lives … they will never have another dad, because that's YOUR role in life.

 

other thought that that depression makes you second guess those things that you once held dearly to your heart. With me, it was my job, which I've always felt was the best thing to ever happen to me, and I've told everyone as much. However, after my mom died, I went into a pretty serious funk and thought about quitting, about leaving town and just holing up someplace. I didn't follow that instinct, because I knew that really wasn't me, but the depression talking. If you're having serious problems with depression, it could be that potential suicide is the only answer when there are actually other alternatives, you know?

 

as for your ex, I'm thinking that when people are wounded, they fight dirty, and she's no exception ...

[LaughMachine]

I found this qoute on someones myspace blog. Maybe it will help

 

"Anyone desperate enough for suicide...should be desperate enough to go to creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on a boat to New Zealand, and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try."

Richard Bach, Author of Johnathan Livingston Seagull. b.1936

[CaliGuy]

OP I just wanted to add something.

 

I know several friends who have had a parent or relative commit suicide. They're still messed up from that. Since the suicide, they have wondered how they dropped the ball. How they missed the signs. They're messed up emotionally.

 

You won't be punishing yourself. You'll be punishing, for life, the one's who love you. You'll be teaching your kids that when life becomes a little difficult that it's OK to run from your problems instead of facing them and coming out stronger.

 

We've all probably pondered suicide at one point or another. The difference is we are ALL bigger than the problems life throws at us.

 

You can choose to end your life. That is your call. But if you don't stop and think, at least for a minute, about the permanent damage you will do to others, then all I can say is you have no heart.

 

Suicide is the ultimate selfish behavior. Your kids need you. Not just now, but forever.

[ruby_gloom]

hi, i hope you are sleeping now and are having sweet dreams.

 

what i'm going to post is not nearly as useful or as thoughtful or kind as anything that has been previously posted, i'm sure, but despite that, i would still like to share a few things with you:

 

a lot of times when we feel so helpless, useless, and worthless we tend to think that "nobody cares." we tend to think that we are doing no one a favor by carrying on a meaningless existance, and that the best thing we could do is simply disappear. we think so lowly of ourselves that we keep on telling ourselves that we and our loved ones are better off by us not existing, and that "nobody cares, anyway, because we are so awful." right?

 

and of course, it follows that the only people who could possibly care about us are those who know us, and thus if not even they care, then another--a stranger--will care much, much less. right?

 

well, have you taken a look at your thread? have you noticed how many people have posted their sincere sentiments? their encouragement? their empathy? their care? their painful stories so as to help you make the right decision?

 

it's strange, isn't it, that in a world so seemingly centered aroun the self, that there are still people who sincerely care for the fellow man.

 

i know that all of the strangers who have posted on this thread want to see you happy and well. now imagine how much more so the ones you hold dear must want this as well.

 

you say you watched shrek with your little one this evening. think about him. he was there, sitting beside you, enjoying the movie about strife, perseverence, and success, with his/her father, eagerly hoping shrek 4 comes out soon at the end. little does he know that you don't plan to watch the next installment with him. don't you think that is unfair, to both you and he/she?

 

my parents are both still alive, but i do not live with them. i do not know where they are and i cannot go to them, so it's as if they were dead, in a way.

 

this mother's day was very hard for me because i, at 20, missed my mother and her insanity very much so. this coming sunday, i will mourn my father's absence, as well, and wish with all of my heart that he were here with me so that i could hug him and have someone to call "daddy."

 

the love of a parent is irreplaceable. no one will love your children as much and with as much sincerity and purity as you, except for perhaps their mother.

 

at least i have the small glimmer of hope that i will one day be with them again and try to regain lost time, but if you decide to become nothing but a ghost, then your children will not have even that.

 

it's been nearly a year since i last saw my parents and i still cry unbelievably so. as i said before, i still have a chance to be with them again someday, but death is so final--if you commit suicide, your children will not ever have that chance. and their mother might remarry time and time again and they might have many surrogate "fathers" but none will ever be able to replace you neither in their minds nor their hearts.

 

you have to think about this, as you state one of your reasons for wanting to kill yourself being your children and their happiness. you must see clearly and see the irony that in trying to supply them with happiness and wellness, you will only inflict on them sadness and misery.

 

as far as your ex-wife goes, i think you need to disregard her opinions. who is she to tell you you are worthless? think of it objectively: if i say to another that he is worthless, how much worth do i have as a person after saying that? not much, if any.

 

also, as far as your parents--well, you are clearly suffering the repercussions of their neglect. now imagine, whether you want to believe it or not, you are thinking of doing a similar thing to your children. your mother told you she wished you had never been born, and by you killing yourself, you are implying that your children's birth and lives were not enough to keep you with them. is that true? i really don't think so.

 

it's true, though, that we cannot live our lives for another--not even our children. that is why you need to see that you, with children or without, are a human being capable of achieving as much greatness as you are willing to put forth the effort for.

 

you are not old and you are not ugly, for a person with a caring heart such as your cannot and will not ever be ugly. if you think you are "ugly" because you are overweight, then do something to correct your weight problem; it can be done. but even with excess weight, i can tell you that you are not ugly; you have a caring heart and a caring heart is a beautiful thing.

 

after you sort out your feelings, you're going to have to talk to someone, preferably a professional who can aptly help you in the best way possible. after you begin to feel better about yourself and get adequate help, you'll begin to see once again that the beauty of life lies not within the comforts money can buy: not in the hefty wallets, the fancy cars, the expensive homes--none of that. you will also realize that the beauty of life also does not lie in the words of who embittered towards you, such as your ex-wife, or in being the slimmest person, the most attractive person, or even the most successful person.

 

it's not there--it's in the links TBF posted and in the laughter of your child as he watches shrek with his father. the beauty of life lies in the moments and in the people, including ourselves, that enrich and warm our hearts and put a lovely smile--one that comes from within--on our face.

 

and no material possession, not matter how spectacular, can ever compare.

 

you still have many years ahead of you and they can be filled with the happiness you now seem to be void of if you so please. of course there will be hurdles, some much larger than others, but it's true when they say that the bigger the problem overcome, the better and prouder you feel of overcoming it.

 

so, while i am saddened, and i truly am, that you are thinking about doing such a horrible thing, i am also hopeful for that tomorrow in which you will look back to these days and say, "boy, what was i thinking?" and continue to smile and bask in the happiness of love that only you, your family, and friends can create.

 

many hugs and positive thoughts will be going your way tonight, my friend.

[marlena]

DON"T DO IT! EVER!

 

You will not be killing yourself but your children and famly. I lost two parents within four months -- my father had a stroke and my mother went into deep despair and depression. She kept reiterating that she had lost hey universe. She rolled up into a foetal position for a month and half and then one morning - as I was going inside to give her her pills - I found her dead and the shock and loss changed me as a person and my view of leife ever since. I HAVE FELT GUILTY EVER SINCE -

 

- for not awakening in the night when I heard a strange noise coming from the bedroom- a moan

-for telling her the previous day that she had to snap out of it because we her children couldn't take it any longer - she had stay alive and strong for us and my father who was bed - ridden and living out his last days

- for giving her some tough love hoping it would snap her out of it

- for not being a better daughter

--for not saying I love you enough times

--for not holding her hand when she let out that last breath

 

The nights before she died I put bread crumbs in her mouth because she refused to it

It was a full moon and I kept saying

Mum, get uup and see what a beautiful moon ther is tonight

 

I thought she was resting. Stupod me did not take her pulse!

 

I have felt guilty for all the above and much more -

I still keep thinking "I could have saved her had I known".

 

You will not be committing suicide - you will be killing your children - stigmatizing them for life.

 

Snap out of it! Your life is not your own. You have children!

 

Be strong!

You can change the image of yourself. I'm older than you. ANd when I divorced witha four yr daughter on my hands, she was my sustaining influence even in my darkest moments.

 

Keep posting! We are all here for you!

[marlena]

Sorry, got so alarmed I double posted! And the sp errors! Unforgivable!

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Hi Dagda. Just checking up on you to see how you've been.

 

Today is Father's Day. I hope you got to spend some time with your kids.

 

Keep us posted on your progress.