dagda1 Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 I am not sure where to write this or even if I should. I am a divorced, old (49) very fat useless man. I have resigned myself to suicide but I can't do anything until my youngest moves back in with mom this fall. I know that suicide of someone can be painful but when is making people more uncomfortable by staying alive a worse option? My boys have inherited my depression I fear but my daughter has a level head. I am sure my ex will explain that I was no good etc. so I hope my youngest will soon forget me. She is getting remarried so he will have a new dad to care for him. My existence is unbearable for me and I am sure it hurts everyone I know so that decision is made. What can I do to make this easier, I am not sure about leaving a note etc. Seems pointless really. Sorry to have bothered you all but I would appreciate input. Thanks. PS I have tried counseling and medication. It doesn't work for me. I just want this all to go away and people to forget about me. I just want to make this easier on the kids.
polywog Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 Suicide will wreck your children's lives. It will devastate them in ways too profound to explain, despite your despairing thoughts that you are "useless", etc. (spoken out of your dispair and pain, I understand that.) You are posting here asking for feedback. My feedback to you is to get yourself to a safe place where you Will NOT be able to DO IT. Hospital, whatever. Contact the Good Samaritans, http://www.samaritans.org for help. It's their thing. You can heal from this horrible feeling and conviction, I know it. You can't do it alone anymore than you can do heart surgery on yourself.... it's a similar situation. And please post again.
quankanne Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 death of a parent is never easy to accept, even when the relationship is troubled. Because a parent is a person's beginnings, so to speak. When that person becomes a parent himself, the cycle moves forward, but until then, not even relationships with siblings can replace that special bond a child has with a parent. please reconsider suicide – right now it seems like you've hit a dead end because nothing works, but you've got to keep trying until you find what you need to help yourself because your kids need you no matter how hard you've convinced yourself they don't. And if for some reason you can't find what you need, maybe you can help your children by encouraging them and pointing them into the direction they need to go if they should have these kinds of problems themselves. you are here for a reason, and despite these things that plague you, you are incredibly important to your children's well-being. hugs, q
Author dagda1 Posted June 10, 2007 Author Posted June 10, 2007 I can't do anything until this fall like I said. My counselor is trying to get me to think about ECT treatments. Even the Mayo clinic website says they have no idea what that does. Sorry to have bothered everyone.
Curmudgeon Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 You haven't bothered anyone. You've asked a legitimate question. The answer is that it's always a bad thing and is actually a selfish act because it leaves friends and family feeling guilty for the rest of their lives that they didn't do enough to stop it. They'll forever be saying, "If only I'd..." You are decidedly not useless. You're obviously very caring and concerned about your children or you wouldn't have asked the question in the first place. That gives you a lot to build on. By the way, ECT has been known to help. What's not known, including by the Mayo clinic, is exactly how or why. The loss of a parent is a tragic event for a child, regardless of their age. I was 43 when my mother died, five days after my birthday, and 44 when my father died. I still miss them. Having no siblings and no aunts, uncles or grandparents left living there's no one to ask about things that occurred in my childhood, the names of people who touched my life, the identity of relatives in old family photos, etc. Even with a wife, children and grandchildren of my own it can be a very lonely feeling. Please don't do that to your children! If you truly love them, you can't.
pelagicsands Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 You are decidedly not useless. You're obviously very caring and concerned about your children or you wouldn't have asked the question in the first place. That gives you a lot to build on. Agreed! I can only repeat Curmudgeon's wise words - you are not useless. Every person on this planet has a lot to offer, if they open up their hearts. Have you considered dedicating your life to helping others? Surely that has to be infinitely more noble than snuffing yourself out. Giving can be very rewarding. You don't need to make your children proud of their father. You have already done a lot for them. But you need to find some respect for yourself. Yes, you are worth it.
pelagicsands Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 and that it isn't the fault of anyone but more so due to your medical condition. That is true enough. But nothing much is black-and-white in life. Your medical condition is a tendency - not a foregone conclusion. You can fight it, and you can win.
lonelybird Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 dagda1 Suicide and negative thought can be sort of spirit, negative spirit. It means that you filled your mind with full of negative thought. And those negative thought are NOT TRUE. Some negative thought belong to PAST, has nothing to do with your FUTRUE. When you change your mind, you can change your future. IF you are useless, so then why God made you and allow you to go out into this world in the first place? Did you try to listen to positive tapes? like on christian site or book store, they sell those tapes, can literally change your life that you cannot image. you have to fight those negative spirit. your children need you very much, if you are gone, the pain to them will be unbearable. And do you believe in God, do you pray for help?
CaliGuy Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 First off, I am sorry you are having these thoughts. I would like to add that you will not be harmed by suicide. You will however cause permanent emotional damage to those who love you. Not just your kids either. Your family, friends, etc. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Have you sought out Counseling? Do you have a Church you attend? I suggest reading "A Purpose Driven Life" if you feel you have no reason for living. And FWIW, 49 is not old and you can lose weight. If you want to.
Woggle Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 Get yourself some help as soon as you can. Suicide is not the answer to your problems and it will devestate your kids.
lonelybird Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 oh are those tapes a brand new treatment for serious clinical depression that is untreatable? I haven't heard of it. are there any tapes that would cure bone cancer or Lou Gherig's disease? Yes, God can cure anything, serious clinical depression, bpd, phsical disease.... I was suicidal, but I am happy now, OP can too, nothing is impossible for God.
Shadowdog36 Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 Out of my hiding to respond to this post...... My father died, an accidental death, back in 2001. Drank himself to death. Was a hard core alcoholic for a number of years. We, as a family, did everything we could think of to save him, but we could not. The bottom line was that it was his decision to live his life the way he wanted. My boss had an 8 year old daughter that died from an accidental blow to her head that shattered her skull and severed the artery in her brain. Know what? He still gets up and works and takes care of his family every day. There are so many people in this world that would love to have a little more time with those they love, and you're talking about throwing your life away?!?!? Whatever life offers you, it's always better than the alternative. Find your peace.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 I am not sure where to write this or even if I should. I am a divorced, old (49) very fat useless man. I have resigned myself to suicide but I can't do anything until my youngest moves back in with mom this fall. I know that suicide of someone can be painful but when is making people more uncomfortable by staying alive a worse option? My boys have inherited my depression I fear but my daughter has a level head. I am sure my ex will explain that I was no good etc. so I hope my youngest will soon forget me. She is getting remarried so he will have a new dad to care for him. My existence is unbearable for me and I am sure it hurts everyone I know so that decision is made. What can I do to make this easier, I am not sure about leaving a note etc. Seems pointless really. Sorry to have bothered you all but I would appreciate input. Thanks. PS I have tried counseling and medication. It doesn't work for me. I just want this all to go away and people to forget about me. I just want to make this easier on the kids. Why do you want to do this? Can you please cite me 5 solid reasons? It doesn't matter what reasons you have, just write them down here, please.
Author dagda1 Posted June 10, 2007 Author Posted June 10, 2007 It is really hard to try to communicate this to anyone who is a real person. I will try to do this and not sound like a whining loon, OK? 1) Parents know best: I remember mom and dad telling me how much they wanted a kid after the twins died. I also remember the countless times my mom would say "I hate you and I wish you were never born!" My mom was an alcoholic and my dad always blamed me for that. Growing up, good times.. good times.. 2) Ex wife the social worker knows best: We started dating young (in HS). She knows now how much I took advantage of a hurting young gir and manipulated her. She wishes we had never met. Good times.. good times.. 3) I did try working at being normal. For almost 20 years I was an engineer on the Shuttle Program at KSC/JSC. I was a volunteer paramedic and put in thousands of free hours working on an ambulance. I immersed myself at the local church and was named a deacon. But I had to give it up because it was a lie. I was a mess and I made my family a mess. So we moved to the midwest. 4) The depression is so bad here that the company I worked for told me to go home and come back when I had my head back together. That was right after my ex kicked me to the curb. She is a smart lady and a trained social worker. If there is nothing she can see that is useful who am I to argue. We got divorced less than a year later when she saw no improvement in me. Like I said a smart lady. 5) I am fat and ugly and useless. I try to go out as little as possible so as not to bother people. I tried a church across the street but I felt the people, especially the women were very much ill at ease with me even being there. When I go out for walks women and girls will cross the street to no even look at me. So like I said I try to inflict me on others as little as possible. There is no family on my side and I am a bother to the kids and the ex has moved on (thankfully) and is married. When the youngest moves to be with her in the fall my usefulness is over. That is why the timetable. Sorry this is so long I didn't mean to sound like a whining SOB but I guess that is what I am.
funkybassplayer Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 I lost my dad a few years back, still miss him now. At the end of the day we are all going to die anyway, so why speed it up? i mean, we might as well do our best while we are here till we die? his death changed me, and i realise that in life you have to do what makes you happy no matter what, as we are all going to die anyway! So you know you git like about 30 years to do good for you and your family, and maybe 2 years from now, you could have a whole new happy life. Lose a bit of weight, get some new friends, go on, do it, you want to be remembered as a good man, not someone who was selfish! cheers
Curmudgeon Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 I am fat and ugly and useless. I try to go out as little as possible so as not to bother people. I tried a church across the street but I felt the people, especially the women were very much ill at ease with me even being there. When I go out for walks women and girls will cross the street to no even look at me. So like I said I try to inflict me on others as little as possible. You may be overweight but I doubt you're ugly and we already klnow you're not useless. For goodness sake, "bother people." That means putting a smile on your face, holding up your head and interacting. If you go about scowling, moping and being all hang-dog then people WILL be repulsed. Regardless of your looks if you hold yourself upright, look people in the eye, acknowledge them, you'll project the aura of a winner, which will draw people to you, rather than a loser which will keep them at bay. Try acting enthusiastic and I guarantee that before very long you will BE enthusiastic. And knock off the ugly talk. You were good enough to reproduce with. You're good enough to take your rightful place in society.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 1) Parents know best: I remember mom and dad telling me how much they wanted a kid after the twins died. I also remember the countless times my mom would say "I hate you and I wish you were never born!" My mom was an alcoholic and my dad always blamed me for that. Growing up, good times.. good times.. 2) Ex wife the social worker knows best: We started dating young (in HS). She knows now how much I took advantage of a hurting young gir and manipulated her. She wishes we had never met. Good times.. good times.. Your mom and dad probably didn't know what they were talking about, themselves. Let them be. Let bygones be bygones. Your ex-wife is not unlike millions of other ex-wives. They all behave this way, no matter how amazing their husband was "once upon a time". Remember, it is the ex-w's job to be this way. So disregard her. 3) I did try working at being normal. For almost 20 years I was an engineer on the Shuttle Program at KSC/JSC. I was a volunteer paramedic and put in thousands of free hours working on an ambulance. I immersed myself at the local church and was named a deacon. But I had to give it up because it was a lie. I was a mess and I made my family a mess. So we moved to the midwest. 4) The depression is so bad here that the company I worked for told me to go home and come back when I had my head back together. That was right after my ex kicked me to the curb. She is a smart lady and a trained social worker. If there is nothing she can see that is useful who am I to argue. We got divorced less than a year later when she saw no improvement in me. Like I said a smart lady. Forget the ex-wife. She's entitled to live her life, and you're entitled to live yours. So what if she doesn't think much of you? Who cares? Is she the authority on deciding whether you live or die? In any case, you're not doing anyone a favor. Expecially not your children. They will carry this with themselves for life, and at some point, when they are in a bad situation, they will blame you - "My dad killed himself, and this is how it affected me". If you could listen to them in a future time, you'd never be making these plans right now. 5) I am fat and ugly and useless. I try to go out as little as possible so as not to bother people. I tried a church across the street but I felt the people, especially the women were very much ill at ease with me even being there. When I go out for walks women and girls will cross the street to no even look at me. So like I said I try to inflict me on others as little as possible. There is no family on my side and I am a bother to the kids and the ex has moved on (thankfully) and is married. When the youngest moves to be with her in the fall my usefulness is over. That is why the timetable. You know, it's never so bad that it can't get worse. At least you are in reasonable physical health. You're very overweight as you say, but you can still go about your business. What if you lost that ability? By the way, suicide isn't fool-proof. There are thousands of cases where the suicide attempt went awry, and the person ended up in a much worse condition than he / she was in, before. Make the most of what you do have. Lose the weight, start working again, and you'll automatically be in a better frame of mind. You need to feel in control of your life, that's all. Think about your positives - the good you have done. You've done it once, so you can do it again. Committing suicide is not the answer. Give yourself another chance.
polywog Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 dagdal, you are not a "whining loon" or an SOB. You are Not taking up our time, that is what LS is for, to listen to you. You're in a huge amount of pain, you suffer from a debilitating illness, depression (so many of us have, including me) plus you were dealt several terrible blows in your life; recent ones, that you aren't able to cope with in the state you're in right now. That can change. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT, anymore than having an illness is someone's fault. Please reach out and get help. We're here for you, and there are others in real life who are, too, that you need to reach out to. Please post here as much as you want to, without apology or shame. You can beat this, thought it doesn't feel like it while you're in this awful pit. Please take heart, and take care. Wish there was more I could say.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 I agree with what Polywog said. This place is the next best thing to talking to a group of willing listeners in real life. Please don't be overwhelmed by the situation you are in. It can definitely be made better. Don't give up.
torranceshipman Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 Your kids love you a lot and no-one in the world could ever come close to replacing their dad...don't think they'd ever be better off without you as the opposite is true... You sound like you hav a lot going for you...to be a clever and able guy working on that shuttle program for years, for people to think so much of you that you were made a deacon, that you put in countless hours caring for others on a voluntary basis...you've achieved a lot and done a lot that you shold feel so proud for! You sound like a good guy to me...I know things have been bad lately-plus you sounds like you had such a tough time when you were a young person - and youve had a lot on your plate, but remember the bad feelings are due to an ilness - depression - please dont let that take you away from your family....all the posters on here give you good feedback fora reason...you deserve it! You sound like a good guy - please don't let your kids lose you, as they would never, ever get over it. I agree with other posters here, concentrating on something very positive like losing the weight, as wel as pursuing treatment, might make the world of difference to you!
TooMuchTheGentleman Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 I'm not sure if my own idea is appropriate or socially acceptible, but myself i had already accepted my own death after my dream girl fiance left me, but I did feel a lil different after a bit to eat and a drink. Plus, I would want my final thoughts to be pleasant and they wouldnt have been that day. Once I had decided on a method i wont name or allude to, that woulda been painless and not messy for the guys cleaning up, etc I could not see any reason to not do it. The oddest thing occured to me, perhaps not the healthist coping mechanism, but it works for me. Since I had accepted my own death, no fear of it, how bad can things get? I could always end it tomorrow if things didnt work out today, so for today I might as well try another approach, do something useful, enjoy another day. Whats the worst that could happen? Theres nothing that would be so bad I couldnt deal with it, as I could always end myself another day. Perhaps its a odd bittersweet feeling in me, like smiling and crying when things are real bad, but sayin I just have to live one more day before the end means I'm not afraid to risk getting hurt, not afraid to hold on for one more day. A strange sentiment I will admit, but it works for me. One thing someone pointed out which is true, if you have to talk about it or ask advice, etc. Then you are not ready to do such a drastic thing. Hesitation means you have something worth living for, even if you dont know what it is. Anywhere can be paradise as long as youre still alive. People under such hardships and terrors we cant imagine still manage to enjoy knowing they still exist.
polywog Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 dagda1, Just had a thought.... when I was in the depths of my depression I read a book that changed my life, "Darkness Visible: a memoir of madness" by William Styron. http://www.amazon.com/Darkness-Visible-Madness-William-Styron/dp/0679736395 Do yourself a favor and track down a copy. You can probably find it or get it through your local library. It describes It, that feeling you have, and reading it will give you hope, I guarantee. The author was where you are now. You can read it in one sitting. I can't recommend it enough.
Author dagda1 Posted June 11, 2007 Author Posted June 11, 2007 I am sitting here watching "Shrek" with my little guy. I like Shrek, he is an ogre like me. Shrek means monster in Yiddish I think. I like the movie but I know there are no "happily ever afters". Not for ogres. There are no Princess Fiona's that secretly like us ogres . I am doing a bit better and I will think about everything you all have said. Thank you again.
lonelybird Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 dagda1 Negative thinking pattern is like this: *who said I am bad, who said I am useless (do you see? others including your parents cannot define you, but only God can define who you are) *I don't have this, don't have that, but others have *I didn't do this, didn't do that, but others did Positive thinking pattern is like this: * God made me, nobody can define me but God. God loves me very much, HE gave me clear air to breath, beautiful earth to stand, lovely children to love, HE gave me everything that I have. God cares about me very much that sent so many people to give advises. God will use me to help others * I have this, have that.....I did my best, and I will do better * I've done this, done that.... * I am lovely, lovable, and God can make me more better * I decide to loose weight * I can help others, I may help another soul, but I am gone, I cannot do anything The most important turning point for me was that switch concentration on SELF to OTHERS and outside. You seek to help others, and God help you. Well, at the most down moment, Lord revealed to me that Jesus is other serving, Lord told me to switch from self to others. and it is so true. The key of happiness is believe in God, APPRECIATION and HELP OTHERS, really contrary to what people usually think. God gives love and peace in heart that nobody can take away.
Butterflying Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 How have you planned to kill yourself? I mean, exactly what method will you use to do it? Why don't you just move away to another country and never associate with people you know again? Change your name. Start a new life. Killing yourself is a bad thing to do. It's cowardly. It proves that you have been defeated by everyone and everything. Give up on love. Give up on family. Give up on anything you want. Don't give up on life. Eventually, we will all die. So we don't have to kill ourselves!
Recommended Posts