mineymoe Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 Hi. I have been lurking here for awhile. I am very glad to find a site like this. I am so confused. I met the guy I am involved with about 2 years ago. There was an immediate attraction but he said he was getting back with his ex wife after leaving for another woman. He was definitely in love with her but she made it very hard on his relationship with his kids. Angry when he saw them, listening on phone conversations with ex and freaking out etc. etc. I tried to respect what he was trying to do, as I was living with my ex fiance at the time for the sake of our child. We continued anyway, it was virtually impossible for me to stop myself. I really know now I fell in love, I mean from day one. We have been seeing each other all this time. Lately it has become very intense and I don't know what to do. He is my best friend. He is divorced and his ex wife, with whom he lives, is not exactly rational she has a psychiatric disorder and takes medication. I also think on some level she knows he is with someone else. He does not want to leave his kids and really, what we have now is not bad. There isn't any drama but I have dated enough other guys all along to know that he is the one I want. After two years we have finally said we love each other. I've never pressured him to leave but I know we could be so happy together. we have so much in common, we were born days apart from each other and connect on this intuitive level. I also truly believe that his relationship with his kids would be better as there is so much fighting in his household. I work with kids and really believe they would benefit from our relationship. I guess I am not looking for any answers here but it is so nice to say it out loud. I think he is scared to leave because it went so badly last time. His kids really cling to him and are afraid he is going to leave him his ex wife tells him to leave all the time. It makes the kids so anxious. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to tell him to leave i'd rather he came to that decision on his own but I really do know now for certain he is the man i want. I want us to at least give it a real chance. Thanks for listening.
norajane Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 I tried to respect what he was trying to do we have been seeing each other all this time. He is divorced and his ex wife, with whom he lives After two years we have finally said we love each other. he is scared to leave because it went so badly last time. What is it that he's trying to do, exactly? He's not working on his relationship with his ex wife since he is seeing you. He's not with you, since he lives with his ex wife and is trying to keep you a secret from her and from his children. He won't be with you because his other OW turned out to be a bad choice. So he stays with his ex wife, as though there is no other choice. Why can't he live on his own for a while and get his head straight and his life in order and figure out how to handle joint custody with his wife? THEN, maybe he can make some decisions about his love life. Have you tried suggesting that?
Author mineymoe Posted June 10, 2007 Author Posted June 10, 2007 That would be a very good idea. He has said he was going to see a counselor but as of yet he hasn't. I think the dynamic is that she tells him to leave most of the time in a huge hysterical fight, in front of the kids more often then not and he ends up reassuring the kids again that he won't. It is completely unhealthy for the kids but then things will die down again, she'll apologize and itll be business as usual. They are a very busy family their children are involved in lots of activities which he is a big part of. They really don't seem to have much of a relationship outside of their roles as parents. If we were together I know she would be a constant hysterical mess and i know it would be difficult on his kids. Not to mention my own kids who are growing up very nicely and free of any real drama. I don't wish I never met him he has impacted my life in a lot of positive ways and been there for me emotionally, in spite of our not really being together, during some very hard times in ways no one else has been. I am not really sure what I want. It is confusing and depressing because I do meet other guys who are ready willing and able to be in a committed relationship with me who I know would treat me and my children good and I don't understand what it is that keeps me with him. I have never been involved with anyone who was involved with someone else and I have tried to tell myself this is really nothing and i deserve whatever heartache i get but i have never felt this way before about anyone and the intensity is the same as it was from the start. Thanks for your response. I really hope I can figure this out. Either figure out a way to address this with him or figure a way out of it.
norajane Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 I am not really sure what I want. It is confusing and depressing because I do meet other guys who are ready willing and able to be in a committed relationship with me who I know would treat me and my children good and I don't understand what it is that keeps me with him. Maybe you could do with some counseling yourself to help you answer these questions! The only thing you really have control over is yourself. You can't change him/make him do anything. But you can figure out if you really want a committed relationship. Because what you have right now is a part time, no commitment, no future kind of thing. (Not being able to fully have him does add to the intensity of the relationship, by the way...) When I've been involved with unavailable men (married, geographically distant, emotionally unavailable, etc.), I've had to face that I wasn't really ready to be in a committed relationship even though I thought I wanted to be. The trick is to figure out for yourself why you are content with only part of a relationship....
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 he said he was getting back with his ex wife after leaving for another woman. He was definitely in love with her but she made it very hard on his relationship with his kids. Why did you think he would treat you any differently than the last OW, or any of the OW before her, or that the outcome would be any different?
Author mineymoe Posted June 10, 2007 Author Posted June 10, 2007 Thanks again Nora...your first post really got me thinking I really should just ask him why he doesn't think he has choices? I also think you are right about me benefiting from counseling and I do wonder if the issue is more me not wanting a committed relationship. I think I do with him. Thanks for your post too L. I don't know how any of it would work out but I do know I would not ever try to get in the way of him spending time with his kids and would really hope that at some point if we were together that we would have an amicable relationship with his ex. I really do not feel as though there is a real relationship between them nor has there been for a long time. I was cheated on by my ex fiance, repeatedly, both of them, and I have made it a point to have an amicable relationship with them, their SO and children. It took some time but it makes the kids much happier and it makes everything much easier. I know that was not his ex OW view at all. She really played a game and yes she got him to leave through a lot of manipulation I could probably go that route but it isn't who I am. I do agree the intensity is greater when you want something you can't have but also us getting to the point where we are being more honest about how we feel about each other has added to it. I have also been dating another man and I do have feelings for him and plan to continue seeing him it is not the same degree of intensity but I have to say it has not been unpleasant at all being with him. Thanks again for listening and responding. It is really helpful.
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