mountain girl Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 Been just a lurker for a while. Discovered H's EA a few months back. Out of the blue. A real shocking discovery and since then have been dealing with trying to get over the stress, anxiety and depression surrounding it. Some questions: 1. Why do they deny anything is wrong with an EA so strongly? This is not his first and probably won't be his last because he thinks "there is nothing wrong with having friends" and "I would never let anything happen." But when a young woman is "given" his permission to call him off hours to talk about personal life... 2. How do I move past this? Since there is no changing other people...I know that I have to change myself. 3. I and we are seeing a counselor. Has anyone sometimes felt that counseling almost makes things worse because it causes you to still think about it all in order to have something to talk about. Sometimes it seems just sweeping it under the carpet would at least give me some rest and peace and the ability to enjoy my life again. Probably hanging out on LS is not exactly good for the "getting over it" part, either...
Trialbyfire Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 Many people of both genders don't believe that anything is cheating, if it's not physical. Here's an article that discusses emotional affairs. Provide it to your significant other and see if he can relate to the signs and symptoms: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14287231/ Also, therapy is only as good as you allow it to be. Therapy is a form of self-help with the therapist as the mediator or non-judgemental ear. Don't be afraid to let your therapist know what you need from them. There's also a lot of effort that each person has to put into it. Therapy is a tool that can help you get where you want to go, but you have to be willing to understand how to use the tool to best suit your needs.
Lynna Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 Has anyone sometimes felt that counseling almost makes things worse because it causes you to still think about it all in order to have something to talk about. Sometimes it seems just sweeping it under the carpet would at least give me some rest and peace and the ability to enjoy my life again. Probably hanging out on LS is not exactly good for the "getting over it" part, either... I am a recent new member to LS and you know, as much good advice as I have gotten from LS in the last couple of days (both personally and through reading other peoples comments), I do find that I am thinking a lot more about my husband's affair for these couple of days than I had in the past few months. I find myself checking in and looking for new posts several times during the day. But, it was a realization of the depression I was in that led me to seek out people to talk to about it all. Apparently it is important to talk about it and work through some of the issues before you can move beyond it. I tried putting it in the past and not thinking or talking about it and it took me a long time to realize that I was still depressed about it all. I have to confront all my feelings and emotions before I can move on completely. So while I agree that therapy and LS may keep it all more fresh, I think that the benefits in the long run will outweigh that drawbacks if we are to truly move forward.
Curmudgeon Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 How do I move past this? Since there is no changing other people...I know that I have to change myself. If changing yourself means giving up or compromising your values and beliefs then no one is worth that. Clearly DeNial is much more than a river in Egypt. They can excuse it by thinking and saying that if it doesn't turn physical then it's not hurting anyone. However, it's hurting you so it's wrong of him. He's committing emotional adultery by expending time and thought on another woman that rightfully belongs to you. Yes, boards and even therapy can sometimes keep the hurt fresh and alive. However, the latter, with a good therapist, can be very cathartic and helpful. My wife and I attended a half dozen sessions of pre-emptive marriage counseling not long ago and found it to be a very positive experience. It helped us reaffirm our love for one another and hone our positive and productive approaches to issues. Sometimes just talking it out with a disinterested third party you both can trust, or you trust by yourself, can do a world of good.
Author mountain girl Posted June 10, 2007 Author Posted June 10, 2007 Thanks...yeah, the therapy is good. The unbiased 3rd party is important right now. I guess I have my own denial, not wanting to face up to the fact that I don't really want to live my life with someone who feels he can do what he wants in terms of friendships outside the marriage...and yet having spent so many years with this person, etc. etc. My own emotions are sometimes scary.
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