How do you move beyond the depression?

[Lynna]

I thought I was dealing and moving on well since I found out about my husband's affair. There were several bad weeks, in which I was clearly depressed, shocked, angry, etc. I had my breakdowns, my screaming fits, my drinking bouts, and so forth, but then things got easier as I went about my daily life which is at the moment very full and busy. I thought I was over it and moving forward.

 

However, I slowly became aware of a major change in my life. I have changed. I am no longer motivated to do the things I used to enjoy. I never get together with friends. I never do any of the crafts I enjoy. My work has suffered, I do the bare minimum required. Additionally, during this time of separation my apartment has become a complete disaster. Multiple weeks go by in which I have to step carefully over piles of things to get to my desk. I can't remember the last time my apartment was clean the way I used to keep it. Nor can I remember the last time I cooked myself a decent, and healthy meal. For a long time I blamed it all on being too busy and too tired. But during my free time I sit at home in front of the television watching reruns. I used to consider getting rid of the television because I watched it so infrequently. And if I happen to watch a sad show, even if it has nothing to do with anything even remotely related to relationships, I will break down completely in a sobbing fest. Yes, I always cried at sad movies before, but not like this. One of those a couple of days ago is what helped me start to wake up to what was happening to me. It was not even a good movie but I sobbed uncontrolably and felt unbearably lonely. Now I realize that I am very depressed. I am not too busy if I am watching TV, am I?

 

I realize that acknowleding that I am depressed it a good first start, but now what? I will seek counseling, but that will have to wait until I move. My husband has moved to a new state for a great new career start and I will be joining him as we both want to work through this. But now the apartment is so overwhelming I am beginning to panic about packing everything up. I don't know where or how to start. I have three weeks to do all that along with everything else I have to do for my "normal" life. But do I even remember what "normal" is anymore considering that for so long I did not realize I was depressed?

 

Any advice anyone has for ways to get beyond the depression and to deal with this whole overwhelming mess would be greatly appreciated.

[crymsn]

It takes a long time to recover from a cheating spouse, weather or not you stay together thru it. It is a very emotional rollercoaster ride, and how you are feeling is all a part of it. Just remember that you did nothing wrong, and you are not any less of a beautiful person because of something he chose to do. He picked the wrong way to solve any problems HE was having. Not you. Try going to www.survivinginfidelity.com You will get a bunch of advice and support there.

 

Take care of you.

[Frances]

All of what you say is par for the course.

 

Try to take each day at a time, really its each hour at a time.

 

The main thing is to look after yourself, be kind to yourself, and do not expect too much from yourself over the next while.

 

You feel you are doing fine then you just seem to crumble, but you pick yourself up again for another while, bit by bit you will be able to manage.

 

Regards all the work you need to do, write a list of what needs to be done, then look at it again and put what is really neccessary at the top of the list and just deal with one thing at a time. Give yourself one task to do, do it and then have a break. Next day takle another job. If you try to takle too much at any one time it will be too much for you. The idea is to break down what you need doing into small amounts at a time. When you look at all you think you have to do it will look insurmountable, you may find lots of things you could get away with not doing and the others just do one at a time, cross it off the list and each time you do that it will feel a bit better about yourself. For the moment you need to put your pain of the affair on the back burner for a while till you deal with the here and now. Your cannot handle everything at the moment, so think of it as I can not deal with that today I will deal with it when I am stronger.

 

Good luck I wish you well. Be nice to you, you will get through this even though at the moment you think you never will. Just take it bit by bit.

[april sunshine]

What you are describing is a secondary depression, that is, depression caused entirely by external circumstances. It is very normal that you are feeling this way given what you have been through.....the best cure is time. What you do in the meantime will be important; it is vital that you have someone in your life apart from your partner that you can talk to, this could be a trusted friend or a therapist. Do not expect too much from yourself at the moment....it is unreasonable to think that your functional ability will be the same as it was prior to this traumatic event in your life. Worrying about the things that you are not doing, such as housework will only increase your anxiety and unhappiness.

 

You will get there in your own time....and the timeframe is different for everyone. Make sure that you are taking care of you - try and maintain a healthy diet even if your appetite is decreased, and keep an eye on your sleep; if you are having problems with sleeping you should see your doctor.

 

Ignore the housework for now - you will do it at your own pace, when you feel up to it.....and you will become more motivated as time goes by.

 

Take care...

[Melissa277]

Lynna, I'm not going to give you advice because it's been a year and a half for me and I'm still in the exact same place you are. I don't even have a job and am too scared to go look for one ... I'm afraid of another rejection, I guess. I used to be a workout freak, but I haven't been to the gym in weeks. My house is a sh*t hole, and every day I say I'm going to clean, but I never do. I do watch The Young and the Restless though and sit here and scream "you %sshole" at whomever is having an affair.

 

I suppose I just want to say that I feel your pain and I completely understand what you're going through. Everyone who posts will give you great advice and hope because most have been through the same thing and they know what they're talking about. I know I feel a lot better since coming to LS. At least we know we're not alone, right? Easier said than done, but maybe we should just pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and start living again!

 

May you find peace soon.

[Lynna]

Thanks for all your comments! I will definitely check out that website Crymsn. Frances, thanks for the idea of making a prioritized list, that is a great idea as some things are definitely more of a priority than others. I think even making a list will make me feel like I am taking a positive step! Yes, April Sunshine, I am planning to talk with a therapist soon, in fact we will both go, once I can get settled into our new place. Finding LS has helped in the meantime as I don't want to tell any of my friends about all this, they would not understand.

 

Melissa, maybe we can help support each other through this right now. We can each make our own lists as Frances suggested and encourage each other to start checking things off. I think we can put things on the list that are not just chores, but also personal milestones, things like go on a walk around the block or in a park, smell a rose, read a good book or watch a comedy, think of one positive thing about my life today, start making a list of the positive things about my marriage/spouse one item a day, go ten minutes without thinking about my problems , etc. Making a list of positive steps to accomplish. If we both do it we can tell each other what we accomplished that day and encourage each other to do more.

[RecoverMe]

It is totally normal and baby I know your pain! I am only one year into my recovery and depression is still present. After 7 months, I finally broke down and went on antidepressants. didn't want to, was resentful even that my H wasn't seeing the shrink b/c he is definitely depressed! But I have to take care of me, and they have helped me enormously. Got me out of the dark hole that I couldn't climb out of. Now if I fall back into it I know how to get out quicker. I had to try a few antidepressants until I found that welbutrin was the one for me. Talking to a shrink has helped alot too, had to go through a few of those until I found one who is awesome!! and helping me. Any help for yourself is the best.

 

Watching sad movies and having a "sobfest" is a healthy release of those emotions, so I recommend keep doing that. Come to loveshack and spill your guts. Is your H remorseful? His involvement will support your healing. Depression is serious and after an affair it is extreme, somewhat like a . Everyone has a different time frame with grief.

best of luck to you!

[Curmudgeon]

Your comfort zone has been disrupted, violated, compromised, you name it.

 

This is going to take time. If it's something you really wish to work through with your husband it's going to take methodical concentration on what's to come, not on what has been.

 

Trust is a huge issue and it will decidedly be awhile before it begins to return but with his cooperation, it can do so -- not today or tomorrow but all in good time.

 

Definitely go for counseling, alone. Joint counseling with youyr husband could also prove beneficial.

 

I hope it all works out for you. It will take a lot of strength.

[believinZ]

Lynna, I'm not going to give you advice because it's been a year and a half for me and I'm still in the exact same place you are. I don't even have a job and am too scared to go look for one ... I'm afraid of another rejection, I guess. I used to be a workout freak, but I haven't been to the gym in weeks. My house is a sh*t hole, and every day I say I'm going to clean, but I never do. I do watch The Young and the Restless though and sit here and scream "you %sshole" at whomever is having an affair.

 

I suppose I just want to say that I feel your pain and I completely understand what you're going through. Everyone who posts will give you great advice and hope because most have been through the same thing and they know what they're talking about. I know I feel a lot better since coming to LS. At least we know we're not alone, right? Easier said than done, but maybe we should just pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and start living again!

 

May you find peace soon.

Thank you... it has been about a year and half for me also. hard to tell because the first couple of months I was in shock. Lynna... like Melissa... I am still on this freak ride of a rollercoaster. My H and others keep telling me to "live in the present"...UMMM... how does that work? What does that look like? Sure, i can fake it really well and I throw myself into work and am a prefectionist through and through... but, at the days end and inside of me... I'm crushed, wounded and broken and if I had my own way... I'd be on an island with only me, myself, I and my daughter. She is the only thing that keeps me really sane... I have to do it right for her... but what is right? What is the right time to stop healing, when is the right time to live in the present... how do I just let go of the past and forgive this man who promised to love and protect me... when he is the one who showed hate and left me vulnerable and let this OW into our family and into my mind and allowed her along with him to kill me emotionally... HOW DOES THIS WORK??? I'm so confused. I swear most of the time I am seriously living moment to moment... this is not living. i'm 40... I have only half my life left to be happy... I want to be happy, but what does that look like now?

[FireandIce]

Lynna, I know what you're going through because I'm going through it right now. Oh I have my good days where I can almost push those nagging thoughts of the affair away but then others where I don't want to get out of bed. It's hard. The one person you trusted most in this world has ripped everything away from you.

 

Like you, my H and I are trying to work things out. It's been 4 1/2 months since I found out about his affair and just over 3 months since we got back together. I still think about it everyday.

 

What you are going through is totally normal. After H and I split I cleaned my house like a madwoman. It was the only thing that kept me sane. Now that he's back and everything has died down I guess I have had more time to process the whole thing and slowly the house became a mess. The last couple of weeks I have started making myself do one thing a day. No, I don't want to do it on most days but I have to. I find the messier my house is, the more depressed I get. So just have yourself do one thing a day. Try laundry tomorrow, bathrooms the day after, kitchen the day after, etc. I know it's tough but I honestly think the worse the house gets, the more depressed you'll get.

 

Goodluck with the move! I hope everything works out for you.

 

Oh and as for the crying at movies and such, don't worry about it. I'm a big crybaby when it comes to movies and tv too. LOL It did get worse after everything happened. I knew something was wrong with me when I balled like a baby while Carrie Underwood sang Wasted on American Idol this season. LOL

[Lynna]

Thanks for all the great advice, I can report some progress! I finally tackled one huge pile of stuff and got it sorted out, some trashed, and the rest packed up! Having support out there is helping my attitude a lot! Thanks to everyone!

[huda farran]

Be strong and don't balme your self instead go out there and live your life my dear, because there is nothing better then leting your H know that your strong, collected and with it sort of person. Your saddness and depression isn't going to get you any where infact you will eventuly get stuck and wnot know how to get out of it. been there my self but i never allowed him to let me feel worthless or less then, I expressed my anger my hurt but at the same time kept my head high and made it quite clear that he is the worthless one and no matter what he does i'll never forget the fact he cheated on me, am only around for love and if he chose to take that love for granted then he is only going to get the same back and guess who is trying hard to keep me now!! Don't let what happend drag you down, trust me...he is only going to respect you less and by the way a cheater will always be a cheater! You can still live with him if you choose to for what ever sake but never relay 100% of your emotions on him, try to get your self a life. Be strong!

[Melissa277]

Hey guys, guess what? Yesterday, I cleaned my kitchen, mopped the floor, did two loads of laundry, and went for a run. I walked right past H, who was sitting on couch, dressed in my running clothes and with my IPod, away I went. Didn't say a word to him. It felt great.

 

Today, I'm going to lay out for awhile. I'm so pasty, I look like I've been soaking in a tub of bleach. Then I'm going to run the vacuum and clean the bathrooms. Then later, I'm going for another run. I've set a goal for Monday to go back to the gym and damn it, I'm going!

 

BTW, if you get a chance, watch "Something New" with Samantha Laathan and Simon something or other (the cutie from the old show The Guardian). Very romantic. I watched it with H on Sunday. He didn't say a word after it was over, but I could tell he felt sheepish. It's not about cheating or anything like that, it's just an old fashioned love story.

 

I have to thank everyone on LS. When I joined and first posted, I was a freakin' mess and that was only like two weeks ago or something like that. Everyone has been so nice and understanding, given such great advice, shared their stories/pain/happiness/humor that I feel a little better. Not great, but baby steps ... baby steps ... baby steps.

[Frances]

Delighted to hear you are looking after yourself.

 

Keep up the baby steps but they sound like full size ones to me.

[Lynna]

Way to go Melissa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WooHoo! You are giving me even more motivation!!! If you can do it I can do it. I am going to tackle more sorting and piles today, then I think I will do some Yoga! That will help me get some balance back! Huda, you are right. I will be strong and look after me, for me! He needs to show me how much he wants me. No more moping! (At least that he can see anyway. )

[shellys-trying]

I just happened upon this thread and being a veteran FBW, I had to make a comment.

It's been 6 yrs. SIX LONG YEARS. I look at that # and it amazes me so much time has gone by, so fast. That's really surprising because when you first deal with the A, dday, whatever you call it, it drags by.

 

It takes a while to deal with the whole thing. 3 yrs after the A I was still dealing.

Now, it's barely anything, but no you don't forget it. It does get better.

I hope I'm making sense.

I remember getting online back then and getting advice. It's helped me, to this day. I don't remember the names (well, except MoparCrazy-you rock, GF!), but I have their words of support encouragement and understanding and that never leaves me.

 

You will get thru this. I promise. The experience never leaves you, but you learn to deal with it, and it gets easier.

It helps to have a support group, if that be family, friends, inlaws that's great.

I really had a H who, after some stalls, finally got it, & it's been better, better than a long time. it's been a long time comin'. I have a H I can believe in and have faith in.

That may or may not be(or become) the case everytime, I'm only telling my recovery story.

I hope and pray for all of you who are dealing, whether it be from a day ago, a week ago, a month or a year or 10 yrs.

I'm with y'all in spirit, in mind and understanding.

[believinZ]

Hey guys, guess what? Yesterday, I cleaned my kitchen, mopped the floor, did two loads of laundry, and went for a run. I walked right past H, who was sitting on couch, dressed in my running clothes and with my IPod, away I went. Didn't say a word to him. It felt great.

 

Today, I'm going to lay out for awhile. I'm so pasty, I look like I've been soaking in a tub of bleach. Then I'm going to run the vacuum and clean the bathrooms. Then later, I'm going for another run. I've set a goal for Monday to go back to the gym and damn it, I'm going!

 

BTW, if you get a chance, watch "Something New" with Samantha Laathan and Simon something or other (the cutie from the old show The Guardian). Very romantic. I watched it with H on Sunday. He didn't say a word after it was over, but I could tell he felt sheepish. It's not about cheating or anything like that, it's just an old fashioned love story.

 

I have to thank everyone on LS. When I joined and first posted, I was a freakin' mess and that was only like two weeks ago or something like that. Everyone has been so nice and understanding, given such great advice, shared their stories/pain/happiness/humor that I feel a little better. Not great, but baby steps ... baby steps ... baby steps.

:-) You rock! Guess I have to get my a$$ moving now too eh.

[believinZ]

I just happened upon this thread and being a veteran FBW, I had to make a comment.

It's been 6 yrs. SIX LONG YEARS. I look at that # and it amazes me so much time has gone by, so fast. That's really surprising because when you first deal with the A, dday, whatever you call it, it drags by.

 

It takes a while to deal with the whole thing. 3 yrs after the A I was still dealing.

Now, it's barely anything, but no you don't forget it. It does get better.

I hope I'm making sense.

I remember getting online back then and getting advice. It's helped me, to this day. I don't remember the names (well, except MoparCrazy-you rock, GF!), but I have their words of support encouragement and understanding and that never leaves me.

 

You will get thru this. I promise. The experience never leaves you, but you learn to deal with it, and it gets easier.

It helps to have a support group, if that be family, friends, inlaws that's great.

I really had a H who, after some stalls, finally got it, & it's been better, better than a long time. it's been a long time comin'. I have a H I can believe in and have faith in.

That may or may not be(or become) the case everytime, I'm only telling my recovery story.

I hope and pray for all of you who are dealing, whether it be from a day ago, a week ago, a month or a year or 10 yrs.

I'm with y'all in spirit, in mind and understanding.

You made me cry w/such positive and hopeful words and vision. There is that desperation inside that says... give this man the chance to be the man he wants to be. I love him ... I must love him or I wouldn't be doing this kind of pain everyday. But, then there is that scared little girl voice inside of me crying to be safe and to be loved back and not getting the safe feeling she needs. I want to be able to say that 6 years from now I am married to a man who I have no doubts loves me and will not let anything tear me apart every again... especially by his own doing. I want that so bad it makes me ache... I just don't know that it is real... so, it is good to hear that is real for someone and then perhaps it could be real for me as well... thank you Shelly...from your posts I can tell you have a very very kind spirit! Z.

[Lynna]

Thanks Shelly! It really helps to know that it can work and it can get better! I know and really do believe that my H loves me. But I also know that he has many issues that he personally never dealt with before we got together. Hopefully once we can go into counseling both together and individually we can each deal with the things we need to and help each other become a strong couple composed of two emotionally healthy people.

 

I just had a slip tonight while talking with my husband and he said something that made me start doubting and hurting again, I think he actually was trying to be helpful. But I am going to cling to the hope that you have shared! It won't be an easy road but it is still one I want to travel.

 

I can report that I made good progress today in clearing out my piles. I threw out two bags of junk, old junk mail, papers I don't need anymore, etc. I also started working on my crafts again! So all in all it was a good day.

[FireandIce]

I'm glad things are going better for you Lynna. It's tough but I find as long as I keep busy then I don't think about it as much. Since "d-day" I have lost 40 pounds and I feel great! Yes, the thoughts about everything are still there but at least I feel better about myself now.

[shellys-trying]

You made me cry w/such positive and hopeful words and vision. There is that desperation inside that says... give this man the chance to be the man he wants to be. I love him ... I must love him or I wouldn't be doing this kind of pain everyday. But, then there is that scared little girl voice inside of me crying to be safe and to be loved back and not getting the safe feeling she needs. I want to be able to say that 6 years from now I am married to a man who I have no doubts loves me and will not let anything tear me apart every again... especially by his own doing. I want that so bad it makes me ache... I just don't know that it is real... so, it is good to hear that is real for someone and then perhaps it could be real for me as well... thank you Shelly...from your posts I can tell you have a very very kind spirit! Z.

 

you're so welcome, Z! But, above all else you take care of you, and if you have kids, them.

If your H really loves you and really wants you to believe in him and trust in him again, one day soon, then you'll know it. He'll do what he has to to make himself loveable and trustable.

My H made some major bigtime goof ups. Ask Mopar crazy cause she's been with me for the last 2 yrs.

But, here in the last yr or so it's gotten better to the point where it's not on my mind everyday.

[shellys-trying]

Thanks Shelly! It really helps to know that it can work and it can get better! I know and really do believe that my H loves me. But I also know that he has many issues that he personally never dealt with before we got together. Hopefully once we can go into counseling both together and individually we can each deal with the things we need to and help each other become a strong couple composed of two emotionally healthy people.

 

I just had a slip tonight while talking with my husband and he said something that made me start doubting and hurting again, I think he actually was trying to be helpful. But I am going to cling to the hope that you have shared! It won't be an easy road but it is still one I want to travel.

 

I can report that I made good progress today in clearing out my piles. I threw out two bags of junk, old junk mail, papers I don't need anymore, etc. I also started working on my crafts again! So all in all it was a good day.

 

Doing things and keeping yourself busy helps. I love crafts, too, especially at Christmas time with my kids. God knows how many coloring books I printed online for them last Christmas. if you have kids they can help to, by just being with them. I often would just hug my kids, especailly the littlest at the time(she was 5 then) after the A. Little ones give love so unconditionally and if you hug them out of the blue, they just hug back with all their heart.

My kids were another reason I've gotten thru this.

[Lynna]

I often would just hug my kids, especailly the littlest at the time(she was 5 then) after the A. Little ones give love so unconditionally and if you hug them out of the blue, they just hug back with all their heart.

 

No kids. In some ways I am glad for that right now. Not even any pets, they also give unconditional love. I REALLY wish that I had a dog. Maybe once I move back in with my H.

[shellys-trying]

Well, that's fine. you sound like you're doing just fine. if you need some ideas, you just get on here and we'll be more than happy to keep you occupied.

[Lynna]

Thanks Shelly! You guys have great advice, I am so glad I found LS!