mammax3 Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 My first outing since I had the baby (just over a week ago) was a trip to the grocery store. Woo. I've been to the grocery store several times since my husband left me (almost 2 months ago) but I was stunned by how fragile and raw I felt as I wandered the aisles. I didn't speak to anyone - literally - I checked myself out with the 'new' self scanners. I felt like everyone could see how open and vulnerable I am, I felt fake for doing something so normal while I feel so sad and not normal inside. I figure I'll have more of these pity parties, but I'm hurting a lot tonight and I just needed to get the thoughts out so I can keep moving on. I know, truly and really, that I'm better off without him. I can't even say that I'd want him back since he's not the same man I married. I didn't want to be a single parent. I don't want to struggle and make do and be lonely. I don't want my kids to grow up without a dad. I feel like I've let them down by making a bad choice to marry him (except, had I not married him, then they'd never have been born, so I realize that's a stupid thing to say... but it's just how I feel). I'm just feeling down tonight. I'm still angry at him, sort of, for leaving without trying and lying about the OW. But I'm not angry at him since he's such a weak man, but good at hiding it so I was able to ignore it for so many years. There are other men around me who are strong, intelligent, have strength of character, responsible and I realize that H never really had any of those traits. I just chose to look around them. He's walking around trying to convince himself that he's okay with leaving us. He's not looking at what he's doing to the kids by not calling or seeing them. He's essentially in hiding, from us, his family and himself. I can't be with a man who'd put his kids (and me, since we were such a terrific couple for so many years) so far behind himself. <sigh> I feel better. I was so upset, and I forgot the reasons why I am in my heart okay with a separation to lead to divorce. I really didn't want to go it alone, but I don't want or need a man like that in my life, and I can be stronger in myself now because I know what a flake he is. I can't see the path my life will take ... and I'm climbing up hill right now but that only means at some point I'll be at the top and enjoying the view. That quote - Never make someone a priority who makes you an option. Who has that as their sig, and can they tell me the actual quote? Thanks. I think that's a great one.
underpants Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 Gosh, what a terrible ordeal to have triumph through. I kind of feel sorry for your children's father in a way. One day, when and if the guilt hits him it might be his undoing. He is probably avoiding his children because maybe on some level it's a reminder of his selfish choices. I mean who walks out on a responsibility like that? I wouldn't want it on my conscious. Anyway, I know it is of no consolation, but you are better off. I hate to read and hear stories like this, and the sad truth is that I seem to hear more stories like this all the time. No wonder I have never married or had children, because I have a great fear of what you are now having to go through. I don't want to give you a pep talk, because I can't imagine the pain you must feel. I guess I can tell you that I have known a couple of people who have gone through a simuliar experience and are by all appearances doing much better, with time. You can't loose it, you have to be there for your children. They need and want you and for now, that has to be enough. Take good care, Unders
ilmw Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 My first outing since I had the baby (just over a week ago) was a trip to the grocery store. Woo. I've been to the grocery store several times since my husband left me (almost 2 months ago) but I was stunned by how fragile and raw I felt as I wandered the aisles. I didn't speak to anyone - literally - I checked myself out with the 'new' self scanners. I felt like everyone could see how open and vulnerable I am, I felt fake for doing something so normal while I feel so sad and not normal inside. I figure I'll have more of these pity parties, but I'm hurting a lot tonight and I just needed to get the thoughts out so I can keep moving on. I know, truly and really, that I'm better off without him. I can't even say that I'd want him back since he's not the same man I married. I didn't want to be a single parent. I don't want to struggle and make do and be lonely. I don't want my kids to grow up without a dad. I feel like I've let them down by making a bad choice to marry him (except, had I not married him, then they'd never have been born, so I realize that's a stupid thing to say... but it's just how I feel). I'm just feeling down tonight. I'm still angry at him, sort of, for leaving without trying and lying about the OW. But I'm not angry at him since he's such a weak man, but good at hiding it so I was able to ignore it for so many years. There are other men around me who are strong, intelligent, have strength of character, responsible and I realize that H never really had any of those traits. I just chose to look around them. He's walking around trying to convince himself that he's okay with leaving us. He's not looking at what he's doing to the kids by not calling or seeing them. He's essentially in hiding, from us, his family and himself. I can't be with a man who'd put his kids (and me, since we were such a terrific couple for so many years) so far behind himself. <sigh> I feel better. I was so upset, and I forgot the reasons why I am in my heart okay with a separation to lead to divorce. I really didn't want to go it alone, but I don't want or need a man like that in my life, and I can be stronger in myself now because I know what a flake he is. I can't see the path my life will take ... and I'm climbing up hill right now but that only means at some point I'll be at the top and enjoying the view. That quote - Never make someone a priority who makes you an option. Who has that as their sig, and can they tell me the actual quote? Thanks. I think that's a great one. Wow mamma... what a post. I was leasurly cruising through the posts and found this. You have come along way in such a short period of time. I guess it comes from having the ability to face your own reality... see things how they are. It dawned on me why.. your situation seemed familiar to me. My father walked out on my mother myself (8) and my brothers (10) and (1)... well I don't think my baby bro was even (1). He did the same thing.. basically disappeared... I can hardly remember seeing him except around xmas... and him occasionally coming to our house.. but I can't really remember him talking to us.. He used to take us out for pizza on occassion.. My dad is now with another woman.. I believe in Washington State.. He left wife #3 around xmas... I have 2 half siblings in BC.. who I don't even know.. I don't want you to dwell on my situation... because your H may come around .. and pull his arse out for your kids... Keep up the great attitude.. I know you must struggle at times... but you are a strong lady.. and you know you have to... for your kiddies...
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