curious about communication in LDR

[rtHawk]

do you ever feel disconnected and distanced almost to the point of not feeling? because of lack of communication(along with separation and long times apart) from your LDR partner????

 

how do you ressurect those positive feelings and wants without having contact?

 

doesn't it leave you with doubts? about their level of committment ??

 

or is it that some people need more communication than others???

 

how do you keep love alive and thriving when the times to reconnect in person are so far and few in between.??

[Onelife]

Distance makes the heart grow fonder. But LDR needs a lot of reassurance and a lot of communications. Doubts happen and will keep happening if previous doubts did not get cured, IMO. Partners who are in LDR need to communicate a lot. There is no way around it.

[DOA]

Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

 

Or forgetful.

 

Sorry to put a damper on things, but you gotta realise that there is the other possibility!

[Star Gazer]

Distance makes the heart grow fonder. But LDR needs a lot of reassurance and a lot of communications. Doubts happen and will keep happening if previous doubts did not get cured, IMO. Partners who are in LDR need to communicate a lot. There is no way around it.

 

 

I totally agree. IME, both people involved in a LDR need to receive and provide reassurances of their continued commitment and passion for one another. Communication is critical - phone calls daily (if possible) and texts/emails to supplement that throughout the day.

[rtHawk]

I do so agree with allll of you!

I myself am a very communicative person; feel it is absolute the essential

of a strong and healthy relationship.

 

I am for the first time in this R going thru feelings of indifference ( or masking the hurt of such little reassurance, acknowlegement and just signs of being thought about, missed, cared about)

 

I just can't tell if it is because he is not a big one for talking and so it is no big deal for him or if there is more to it.

The lack of connection has left me feeling left out of his life and to quote myself in a message I replied backt to him with; " feeling like me and my arse don't hold much meaning for you anymore."

his response,...

 

nice guilt trip and he is sure he doesn't deserve it...

 

We won't see each other still for another week and I am sooooo feeling

disconnected that it is hurtful, upsetting, almost makes me angry and yet his response isn't one that leaves me feeling I can say more (although I did tell him that I am worried about how th distance is affecting our R and that reassurance is nice once in a while.

 

Do the guys not need reassurance???

Maybe he doesn't get it because he NEVER EVER has anything to feel concerned about----I am faithful, loyal, and always keep the lines open

 

I think he has other things going on re our R,( too long to get into here) but the lack of communication is really killing me.

 

good to hear that it isn't just me who thinks communication is so impt.

[justagirliegirl]

I do so agree with allll of you!

I myself am a very communicative person; feel it is absolute the essential

of a strong and healthy relationship.

 

I am for the first time in this R going thru feelings of indifference ( or masking the hurt of such little reassurance, acknowlegement and just signs of being thought about, missed, cared about)

 

I just can't tell if it is because he is not a big one for talking and so it is no big deal for him or if there is more to it.

The lack of connection has left me feeling left out of his life and to quote myself in a message I replied backt to him with; " feeling like me and my arse don't hold much meaning for you anymore."

his response,...

 

nice guilt trip and he is sure he doesn't deserve it...

 

We won't see each other still for another week and I am sooooo feeling

disconnected that it is hurtful, upsetting, almost makes me angry and yet his response isn't one that leaves me feeling I can say more (although I did tell him that I am worried about how th distance is affecting our R and that reassurance is nice once in a while.

 

Do the guys not need reassurance???

Maybe he doesn't get it because he NEVER EVER has anything to feel concerned about----I am faithful, loyal, and always keep the lines open

 

I think he has other things going on re our R,( too long to get into here) but the lack of communication is really killing me.

 

good to hear that it isn't just me who thinks communication is so impt.

 

Are you sure we aren't seeing the same guy? Really, I can so relate to what you are saying.

 

We have been apart for many months and sometimes I am just so resentful towards him over his lack of reassurance. I have to find out through a third party that he is so in love with me and plans to marry me. It would be much nicer to hear it from him!

 

I don't get it either. Do they not need reassurance or is it like you say because of being so faithful and attentive that they don't doubt?

 

It is in the home stretch now and I will be there in just over a month. Part of me just wants to love him up and the other part of me is angry and resentful towards him and want to distance myself from him. Talking seems to have done no good at all. He tries for a day and goes back to his ways.

 

It really will be hard to warm up to him this time around. He has hurt me badly with this.

[aklay]

Communication is key to LDRs, Trust is probably the biggest of all. I agree with what was said above about talking on the phone everyday. texts, messages, etc whenever possible. Just knowing your partner cares makes you feel a lot better about the situation, gives you a lot of reassurance.

[girlie908]

Are you sure we aren't seeing the same guy? Really, I can so relate to what you are saying.

 

We have been apart for many months and sometimes I am just so resentful towards him over his lack of reassurance. I have to find out through a third party that he is so in love with me and plans to marry me. It would be much nicer to hear it from him!

 

I don't get it either. Do they not need reassurance or is it like you say because of being so faithful and attentive that they don't doubt?

 

It is in the home stretch now and I will be there in just over a month. Part of me just wants to love him up and the other part of me is angry and resentful towards him and want to distance myself from him. Talking seems to have done no good at all. He tries for a day and goes back to his ways.

 

It really will be hard to warm up to him this time around. He has hurt me badly with this.

 

 

haha oh man wow i think all three of us are seeing the same guy. i know EXACTLY how u guys feel. i care about my guy soo much, but it just hurts when i feel like the communication aspect of our relationship isn't flowing and sometimes i basically feel like i have no idea what's going on in his life. i suppose maybe guys really do just get really secure in their relationships when their girlfriend is loving, faithful, caring, etc... It just stinks tho, since I would love if we kept in touch. I go thru phases too. Being utterly devoted to "oh yea, if you won't keep in touch then i won't keep in touch either". too bad he doesn't notice and i end up calling him anyway, usually angry (but i've stopped getting angry cuz that usually leads nowhere good). what should we do? just accept that our guys or most guys in general are like this or try to find so's that are more compatible in communication in relationships? i guess it's different in my case since my bf and i go to school together, but are only separated for the summer, but still, he was like this last yr, and i don't really think there'll b much change anyway.

[rtHawk]

so they cloned the same guy and he is in different states with different women not talking with them???? hahahaha

 

loved all of the posts and had a good laugh but I quess some of this is just the comfort level they have and the non need for reassurance whereas we always have a need for reassurance.

 

I do the same thing between feeling badly about lack of communication to "oh well I won't make any effort either"

 

I know I just so enjoy the little things, a call, a hello, even if it for just a few minutes, it makes for such a sense of connection and appreciation..

lacking that leaves me feeling sort of out of the picture out of his life and not even thought about or appreciated.

 

QUOTE]justagirliegirl Quote:

 

It is in the home stretch now and I will be there in just over a month.

 

Yeah for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

maybe this is some of that whole mars and venus thing eh????

[justagirliegirl]

I think we're innocent victims of a cloning experiment that went very very wrong or our guys are just going by "The Guy Manual". As for Mars, they are working on getting that hot angry planet shoved up their butts!

 

I've never been in a ldr before so I suppose I had no idea what to expect. It gets old being the one who initiates things most of the time. I send the sweet texts and ask about his day and so on and he is like a bump on a log.

 

I just don't get it. I am at the "well I'm not going to contact you until you contact me" deal and I haven't heard from him since Sunday. I'm not much caring either.

 

I'm actually think I'm having a friend pick me up from the airport instead of him as he was lukewarm about picking me up from the airport too.

 

I know he will be all lovey dovey when I get there and he clings to me like synthetic underwear in July, but I can't help but feel resentful from the way he has treated me the 10 months we've been apart.

 

I DO plan to talk to him about it after I get there.

[michellerr]

Sounds like the story of ALL of our lives? My boyfriend is like that right now and even I am sensing a state of withdrawal for myself, but yes speak to him and let him own his decisions.

 

You are both in this relationship and maybe women are more expressive than men, that doesn't mean we don't like the occassional, "I'm calling because I miss you(s)." or "Just calling to see how your day is going." --

 

Enjoy your trip when you go.

[sao2]

My gf and I have been having communication issues with our LDR. I agree-d with all of you, about needing reassurance, steady communication all that. . . But we have been fighting about it lately. If it's enough it's not "good enough". If it's "good enough" it's not enough . . . We have been in this cycle for a while now . . . We both end up feeling alone, and even pitted against each other.

 

Recently we decided to take a little time to ourselves. We have a phone date scheduled for next week and no contact until then. To be honest while I would like to talk to her, these last few days have been great on my end. At least now I know what is expected of me and what to expect from her. I hope her and I can work this out and have no intention of saying "we were on a break" or anything like that. I know I'll get flack for this, but she is completely trustworthy . . . that has never even been a question in my mind about her.

 

I think(bear with me I am working these things out right now) that it is natural to put alot of pressure on communication in a LDR to fill a void that is left by the other person's physical presence. Truth of the matter, in order to be in a LDR the trust has to be there regardless of words spoken. Then we get frustrated because the communication doesn't live up to our expectations. In truth, phone calls, texts, and emails alone will never make you feel like you are with that person, and that is our unrealistic expectation.

 

So I say, LESS IS MORE. Have clear expectations about how much contact is expected and don't exceed that. In my case I am going to suggest we stay with this framework of having our next phone date set up and then no contact in between. Yes, I would like a text from her before she goes to bed to let me know she is thinking about me, but I don't need it.

 

We had gotten to a point where we were expecting such things from each other. Then even though it happens 6 nights a week, that 7th night someone gets upset that it didn't happen. Now I just assume she is thinking about me at bedtime and know that she is not contacting me because we agreed to no contact in between.(emergencies happen of course, but exceptions should always be allowed)

[HavAlittleFaith]

Gal gals,let me tell u,if u gals are thinking "OMG!She is having the same BF like mine.What she posted was what Im facing now!" then let me tell u this,by the time ur BF realise how important are you to him,he would be looking at the "Breakups,Second Chances,Coping" articles.

 

My ex use to call me 7-8 times daily for reassurance(we are part of the LDR couple).To me,its obssesive but to her,its vital.Normally I would b like "Dun worry dear,I will stay loyal and I still love u very much bla bla bla ".I never appreciate it untill now that I lost her.

 

What I can say is,i think most guys are like that.Its not in our nature.U might think we are taking it for granted but actually,WE R NOT!ITS JUST NOT OUR NATURE (remember the book "Man are from MARS and women are from VENUS"?).If you really love him,u must accept this part of him coz its not only him,its every other 'him'.

 

Ok gals...good luck to u all,and as for me,Im back to whr i belong,at the "break up,second chances and coping" department =)

[SadForever]

In my LDR, silence was the huge warning sign that something was wrong. When things were good in my LDR, he would contact me everyday in some form (call, email, text, IM).

[SadForever]

In my LDR, silence was the huge warning sign that something was wrong. When things were good in my LDR, he would contact me everyday in some form (call, email, text, IM). Then stretches of no communication started...he stopped contacting me daily, things seemed strange but he wouldn't admit anything. FINALLY after weeeeeks go by he admits he wants to break up.

In an LDR communication is essential, and wanting some extra reassurance is natural, since you don't have any physical contact to back up the verbal. IMO, if you see a big change in the communication style/lack of from your SO, something is wrong!

It seems a lot of guys choose to deal with emotional situations by ignoring them. You start getting silence it means something has changed.

[euronumber]

What I can say is,i think most guys are like that.Its not in our nature.U might think we are taking it for granted but actually,WE R NOT!ITS JUST NOT OUR NATURE

 

It's not my nature - If I hear that one more time I scream!! The other one my bf uses is: "that's how I am" -

 

His lack of communication is even worse, because he used to send me txt messages during the day; but that was at the beginning of our LDR 6 months ago - according to him, he's given me more time than any of his other LDRs he ever had.

 

 

Ok, this is what I get: we talk every night for about 30 min. before going to bed. But I miss the txt messages during the day or an unschedulded phone calll. 8 visits in 6 months; one of them for 12 days and I am going to see him the first week in July for an entire week.

 

According to him this is PLENTY, for me it's barely enough to go on! I try to punish him by not contacting/texting him; but it doesn't affect him; he probably thinks I am in a funk and that I'll come around. Of ourse, I always do, so the punishing thing doesn't work; only makes me frustrated, angry and even more resentful.

 

I know, I can't change him, but how can I get him to go back to his sweet, romantic ways?

[SadForever]

Ok, this is what I get: we talk every night for about 30 min. before going to bed. But I miss the txt messages during the day or an unschedulded phone calll. 8 visits in 6 months; one of them for 12 days and I am going to see him the first week in July for an entire week.

 

 

WOW! IMO, this is a huge amount of time he is giving you. I understand you miss the texts, but if you look at the big picture i think the daily phone calls are more meaningful. plus you are going to visit him very soon!!

i know how hard an LDR is, and it doesn't seem like you can ever get enough of his time/attention. but unfortunately, it is part of the price you pay in an LDR. if your relationship is good, and you really want to continue it, i'd give more consideration as to how you might cope with the LDR "side affects". could you talk to him about how he's coped in his other LDRs...have him give you some advice?

good luck, and i hope you have a wonderful visit with him!

[euronumber]

Thanks! You are right, it is a huge amount of time, especially from someone who is ueber-busy like he is! But it's never enough for me...He's done very well in his previous LDRs - when he tries to date someone locally it never works out; has been very supportive helping me adjust and cope with LDR, so I've got to take a chill pill, relax and be less demanding! Sigh...sigh...

[justagirliegirl]

euronumber yes he really is giving you a lot of time! Be thankful! I know it is hard but just be thankful he contacts you everyday.

 

I truly do not believe the bs it is just in their nature. We did used to talk every day for hours. He is capable of more contact because he did in the past. I see it as he is choosing not to for whatever reason; he just isn't.

 

It has dwindled down to a couple short text messages a day and even then there may be days between. It costs a lot to call so maybe one phone call every 7-10 days for 30 minutes to 2 hours. Plus both of us hate to talk on the phone.

 

But yeah a couple of sentences it NOT enough to sustain a relationship as that type of communication is all we have until I get there. He should be making more of an effort but for whatever reason, he is not and he will pay the consequences of that as I can't ignore my anger and resentment about it.

 

He'll probably be eager for lovey dovey and sex but frankly he needs to stoke the fires more, water the garden or whatever for me to be in the mood to get naked.

 

And he may have the consequences of losing me and he will be one of those in the breaking up/want them back section wondering what the bleep happened.

[nasdxxx]

I have been in a long distance relationship before, for one year until we decided to stay in one city. before that it was a relationship on two different continents. For that whole year, we spoke on the phone every single day (No lie) even if it was for one minute. We did all the emailing one another etc

 

I will tell you like it is, not just what is polite to say. That guy perhaps likes you alot, and loves you. But if he cannot get on the phone, to call or text or email you, it is not because he is not into that stuff. He is just not that into you. Especially of you have mentioned it to him that you would like him to communicate more and keep both of you connected.

 

Alot of the times we date people we are not that into or people who are just not that into us, but we prefer to take the "pain" of making excuses for the, A man in love and into a woma, will always dial her number even when he is peeing (pun unintended), or too busy. He will take his nature call break atleast to phone you or call you. I am not trying to be nasty here, but just using those example, as the extremes anyone can reach just to hear the voice of their partner every so often.

 

Iahve not had a chance to read all the replies you receieved ao hopefully, someone ahs alraedy said this to you.

You deserve more.

 

Nas

[sao2]

That regulated contact thing, didn't work for her as well as it did for me. It "broke her heart" that I didn't break down and contact her.