Still haunted after almost 20 years

[lonelyone]

To all you faithful readers, I have something that has been eating me for almost 20 years. Here’s the story:

 

When I went off to college at age 18, I met a nice, handsome, trustworthy 23 year old named Henry. He was a newly commissioned Army officer, and I fell instantly in love with him. Had I not met him, I would have transferred to a nearer college (due to lack of ability to make friends where I was at). Henry’s only noticeable flaw was that considering he was a fundamentalist Christian, he was abnormally horny. He couldn’t keep his hands off me; whenever we were together, he would heavily rub my hips and stomach; at one point he was given a warning by the dorm director to keep his actions behind closed doors.

 

Most young guys are horny – it’s a given. But Henry was excessively so. Even other guys his age would comment on his manners. Furthermore, and this is important, Henry was NOT horny in an arrogant way. It was more of a naïve, boyish horniness that he couldn’t seem to help. Plus he was a virgin and fundamentalist Christian, so it was especially confusing why he was so horny. Of course I could have told him exactly how I felt, but again, I was very insecure and too crazy about him to say anything. We became sexually active a couple months later (I’m surprised it took that long). Strange thing is that none of Henry’s friends (who were also fundamentalist Christians) were having sex. They were proud to be waiting until marriage. And again, I don’t think Henry was trying to be “bad ass” or “cool.” I just think he had a naïve, boyish tendency of being hornier than most guys his age.

 

Anyway, for a while I loved the sex, and more important, Henry really loved me. I was truly a high priority in his life, and he completely accepted me for who I was; he never tried to hint that I needed to change anything about myself. Plus his parents really liked me, and my family back home really liked him – it was the perfect relationship. At one point I discovered another flaw of his, which was his lack of wearing deodorant. Henry said he had never worn deodorant, although I swear I saw him apply it when we first met. In fact, it wasn’t until several months of dating before I noticed the BO; either he had forgotten that he used to wear deodorant, or he never wore it but his body didn’t produce BO until recently. Either case, I was still so crazy about my Army officer boyfriend that I didn’t really care.

 

Then it happened, almost instantaneously. After 2 ½ years of dating, I suddenly didn’t have those crazy feelings for him anymore. Most noticeable, I couldn’t lubricate anymore when having sex. I mean it, I shut off like a faucet. Between painful sex and Henry’s body-odor, things were really miserable. I realize every single relationship in the world has this period where the spark is over, but my situation was a 180 from most situations. For me, I had these gut feelings that I had to go a step further and BREAK UP with Henry. And what’s worse is that I didn’t really want to break up with him, but I felt I had to, and I DON’T KNOW WHY I felt I had to. It’s weird, and difficult to explain. Why on earth didn’t I recognize it as simply the spark dying, but not necessarily as a sign to break up? I know of many women who have trouble lubricating; why did I have to go to such extremes and break up with him? I honestly don’t know.

 

Around this same time, Henry was getting a lot of flack from other Army officers; they wanted him to resign his commission because of his dyslexia. Furthermore, he was having trouble finding work; he was qualified to be a firefighter but such a job is extremely difficult to get, so he took a position as a police deputy for a small town sheriff. I was still so insecure that rather than supporting him, I wallowed in how much I missed the “Henry I knew;” the Lieutenant and Firefighter-to-be. I was so insecure that my very identity was based on how wonderful it was to be dating this successful man, so when Henry’s success was being threatened (by difficulty finding work and possible loss of commission), then his pedestal, where I had unfairly perched him, started falling.

 

Henry did NOT want the relationship to end. He was crazy about me, and had already hinted at marriage. He was very, very sad when I finally broke things off (he could see it coming). It was me who wanted to break up, and as I stated, I’m not exactly sure why I did so.

 

I would like to think I came to my senses about Henry’s horniness, that such naïve, unexplainable horniness is a good reason to break up with someone. Yes, I would like to think Henry was truly flawed, that he would have made a poor husband. But I’m so fearful of the opposite – that I wasted a perfectly good man, an excellent man, simply because I was too abnormal to recognize my doubts as the typical “the spark is over but you can still work it out.” No, I had to go extreme, and break up. I hope I didn’t waste a perfectly good relationship – one which I’ve never attained since, almost 20 years later

 

For all of you who have read thus far, thank you so much. To even read this is giving a lot. Do you have any input? Was I truly abnormal for going the extreme and breaking up? The fact that I haven’t met anyone since, and live a very lonely life – was Henry my only chance at a good husband and I blew it? Or was he truly abnormal with his horniness? Would anyone else have reacted the same way given his behavior? Should I contact Henry, if anything to tell him I’m sorry, even at the risk that he'd already be married?

 

Like I said, this still eats me after almost 20 years (and I’ve had only moderate success with counselors), so I thought getting it out on this forum might help.

[neowulf]

The world is a big place. A huge place infact. There are something something like 6.6 billion human beings on the surface of the planet as I write this. Lets assume that you're really picky and only 0.1% of that number would make a suitable partner for you. That's 60,000 potenial partners. I guess all I'd have to ask is what you've spent the last 20 years of your life doing? It's true, you can never "replace" someone. People are all unique and when a relationship ends, the chances are you'll never find something *exactly* like what you had. That isn't to say you won't find other qualities about a person to love. If you open yourself up to change and let go of the past, you'll find that there are an abundance of relationships out there. It really depends how much you're willing to go out there and meet people, or whether or not you'll wait for live to provide the relationship you want for you.

[LaughMachine]

It sounds like you never really delt with these feelings in the period of 20 years. Is this hurt due to guilt because of him having trouble with a job and you breaking up with him? Do you remember him being all that hurt ?

 

If you just flat out lost feelings for him than maybe your feelings were merely lust because the only aspects you have stated about this person was his lack of control of sex.

 

Sometimes time heals all wounds but if you never sort out those feelings it doesn't surprise me that even after twenty years an old wound can be opened again.

 

have you not talked with him in twenty years?

[dbtmarley]

Well if anything anti -perspirants have come along way since 1987..