bccunnin Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I’ve known my boyfriend since college (5 years) and we’ve been together for about 2 months now. Being with him is like a breath of fresh air. We get along so well, have so much in common, and I absolutely love being around him. Things are getting serious pretty quickly which is okay. I don’t feel like we’re rushing anything b/c it just feels right. Simply natural. However, we just recently agreed that we should slow things down a bit, meaning we don’t need to stay the night together every night nor see each other everyday. I initialized this approach, didn’t stay the night with him nor see him for a couple of days and he was going crazy b/c he was already missing me. Here’s the catch… He broke up with his ex-girlfriend of 5 years and moved out 2 ½ months ago. There really wasn’t a specific instance that triggered his decision except for the fact that their relationship turned into a routine, they were butting heads, she was wanting a ring, and he didn’t want to marry her. A couple of nights ago he found out that she is seeing someone else and he’s more upset about it than he thought he would be which is causing some uncertainty. He says he doesn’t want to get back together with her, he’s into me like I am him and we both know and realize that we have something amazing. With that being said, keep in mind that we’ve been together for 2 months and he broke up with his ex 2 ½ months ago. A 5 year relationship is pretty significant, I know. I understand now that he is going to need some time to work through this before he can really give his all to me, if he does. I’m willing to do anything if it’s going to make things better. But I’m not good with gray areas. How do I step away and give him time to process his thoughts, grieve the loss (5 years is a lot), and assure himself that he has made a decision that it’s over? Thank you for your time.
Aloros Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I think you're doing fine. He may think he doesn't want it, but he probably does need space right now, to think things over and really process the ending of his last relationship. To be honest, I was in a nearly six year relationship and started dating my current guy a month after it ended. I'd mourned the ending of our relationship during the last few months of it and was ready to move on. This could be similar for him, however, the fact that he is upset about his ex dating someone else makes me think he has some unresolved feelings. If my ex had started dating someone else, it wouldn't have bothered me. He may just need a little time and space to get over the shock of her dating someone else. I'd just let him know that you want to slow things down a little just so you can be sure you're starting the relationship off on the right foot. You really don't want him to just be replacing the hole left in his life by his ex with you. Good luck!
corazoncito Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 People need to heal after getting out of long-term, serious relationships. I believe that all the strong emotions in the wake of the break up will come out at some point, and it's better they do when you're single than when you've become really involved with someone new. That being said, in my experience, not all relationships that begin quickly after a breakup are "rebounds". I find, among people I know, that the person who made the decision to call it off may be able to have a healthy relationship soon after. Probably because they were "checking out" of the relationship for some time before it officially ended. The person who was caught more off guard and hurt a lot has a harder time. I've seen a lot of people in the situation start dating one person seriously and quickly after the breakup, trying to help themselves move on. It usually goes well (moving in/getting married) for a while (couple of years or so) but there is often some kind of delayed effect or reaction that eventually surfaces and causes problems in the new relationship. These are just observations and they don't mean anything is going to happen either way. In your situation it sounds like it was more of a mutual decision. So I'd just keep my eyes and ears open, and be careful about getting too serious at this point. Even without the ex issue, you've only been dating 2 months and that the happy giddy period anyway.
jcster Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I think you are doing the right thing. It's only going to help you both out in the future if you go slow now. There's no need to rush into things. I think if you make sure that he knows that you are into the relationship, and if you can remember to be patient with him when he runs into issues like he's having now, your relationship will be fine. Your love and respect for this guy is obvious to me, and I'm only reading a web page.
MoonPixie Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 wow I read your post and its like reading what is going on in my life... I have been seeing a guy for three months now... he broke up with his gf in january... and we are taking it slow, but at times he gives me mixed signals... if I show any emotion he freaks out on me, even though he shows emotion towards me... I mentioned that to him and now he stopped... and I feel so lost.. I hope it works out for you...
Trialbyfire Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Take it slow and easy. Investing heavily too quickly in someone who's not ready is a recipe for disaster. Give him all the space he needs and more.
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