pursued by MM

[frygirl]

Bare with me. I know this is kind of long.

 

I’ve found myself in an odd situation over the last few years. About 3 and a half years ago a company I worked for had to downsize and I along with about half the administrative staff were let go. It was very upsetting because I was very close with my co-workers and my boss. My boss and I had a very brother/sister kind of relationship. We were always teasing each other and it wasn’t abnormal to catch us having a snow ball fight in the parking lot. I really loved working with him. He actually cried when he had to lay me off. When I left he made me promise to keep in touch. I hoped we would still be friends and I had no idea what his intentions really were.

 

About three months after I left he started emailing me at my new job. At first it was just polite conversation with the occasional flirty joke. It was kind of weird because although he was a big flirt he never flirted with me. As his assistant he felt being flirty with me would have crossed a line and I agreed. He was also married with two kids. He literally had (and still does) the perfect little family. His wife teaches kindergarten and is gorgeous. Although she was always kind of rude and dismissive of me (as if I was beneath her notice), she seemed pleasant enough to other people. I never got the opportunity to know her very well. They were also very active in their church and he was one of the leaders of the youth group (and still is). As stated above, from the outside they appeared to be the perfect little family.

 

Soon after his emails started they started getting VERY flirty. I was married at the time and just took it as him teasing me. I even showed them to my husband and he thought they were funny. For almost a year he would occasionally email me and make what I thought were jokes about us getting together for “nooner” at lunch. I really thought his comments were in jest. I was wrong. About a year after it all started he finally asked me to meet him for lunch one day. I thought it would be fun to have lunch with him so I said yes. He then sent me an email explaining that he didn’t actually want to have lunch, but that he would reserve a hotel room if I was interested in meeting him there. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe he was serious. I responded back blowing it off as a joke and telling him I wasn’t into seedy hotel sex. He then responded telling me that he was serious and wanted to know if I was open to the idea. I deleted his email and never replied.

 

About six months later my marriage ended. It was a very bad time for me. Although I was the one that made the choice to finally end it, it was still very painful especially considering we had a daughter together. News of my divorce eventually got back to my old boss through former co-workers and he started emailing me again. At first I completely ignored him. But after a couple of months I became exasperated by his persistence. I had no comprehension how a man could continue to hit on a woman that had completely shot him down, especially a married man. I started to think that perhaps deep down he knew I would never give in, so pursuing me felt safe. I thought perhaps it was some kind of outlet for him that he felt comfortable with because I would always say no. So I started writing back to him. It would always start off with polite chit chat and then by about the 4th email he would proposition me. I would shoot him down and explain to him that cheating on his wife was wrong. He would then cut off the conversation. About two to three months later, he would email me again and it would start all over. For the last two years it has become a pattern. I’ve even shown the emails to some of the girls I work with and they all have found the whole situation kind of funny. I’ve continued the interactions with him thinking that as long as he was pursuing me that perhaps he wasn’t cheating on his wife with anyone else. I thought chasing me was just a little game he liked to play.

 

About three months ago he caught me on a bad day though. I basically told him off and explained that what he was doing was wrong and if he hurt his wife and kids he would never forgive himself. I told him he was lucky I never called his bluff. As usual that ended our conversation and I really thought that would be the last I heard from him. I was wrong again. This week he emailed me and instead of following his usual routine he confessed to me that he has been cheating on his wife for the last couple of years. He told me that he wasn’t involved in a affair but was meeting up with women he met online whenever he was out of town. His confession surprised me, especially since I had repeatedly scolded him. I again told him that I would not have sex with him, but if he wanted to talk about what he was doing I would listen. I think he wants to talk to some one about the secret life he’s been living. I don’t know if it’s out of guilt or what though.

 

I will not become his OW, so it may seem odd that I am posting this story in this forum but I thought if I posted it anywhere else I would end up with just a bunch of replies telling me to tell the wife. I have no interest or intention of doing that. It’s his life and I don’t feel its my place to interfere. I am more interested in what women who have been involved with married men think his intentions are with confessing his cheating to me. Is he reaching out because of guilt? Does he think by telling me about it I might finally give in for some perverse reason? Is he just feeling frustrated about not being able to talk to anyone else about what he has been doing and figures I already know the kind of man he is so he might as well spill the beans?

 

I haven’t decided if I will continue to talk with him yet. I have no reason to not just ignore him for now on but part of me thinks that if he has some one to talk to about what is going on it might help him. If he really is so unhappy in his marriage that he is cheating maybe he needs to leave his wife. I know what it is like to be trapped in a marriage. It took me a long time to finally make the choice to leave even though I had been unhappy for years. Maybe he needs some one to talk to about this kind of stuff. What do you all think about it?

[Melissa277]

Please, please, please cut off all communication with this man (and I use that term loosely). It sounds like he confessed to you that he is already cheating (maybe it's not even true) so that you would feel less guilty and maybe indulge him. As a BS, the heartache of an affair is absolutely the worst pain I have ever been through and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I feel sorry for his W and family.

 

You sound like a good person. Please consider everything before you make your next move.

[norajane]

I basically told him off and explained that what he was doing was wrong and if he hurt his wife and kids he would never forgive himself. I told him he was lucky I never called his bluff.

 

...he confessed to me that he has been cheating on his wife for the last couple of years. He told me that he wasn’t involved in a affair but was meeting up with women he met online whenever he was out of town.

 

He told you because he figured you would see that he's not feeling guilty for cheating, and that indeed, he could forgive himself. He's trying to eliminate your objections to cheating with him.

 

I'd be very careful in continuing conversation with him. At this point, you would become his confidant, and that might bring you closer. Even if you have no intention of cheating with him, you might become an Emotional Affair to him, where he is giving you more of his personal feelings than to his marriage.

[frygirl]

Although I appreciate your responses I would really like to hear from non-BS and particularly OWs. I do intend to continue talking to him and would like to know what kind of approach I should take. I think it may be good for him to have some one to talk to about these kinds of things. Perhaps talking to me will give him some clarity on the subject and help him make some hard choices, whether they may be stopping cheating or leaving his wife.

 

He knows I will never have an affair with him. I know it as well. Even if he wasn't married, I am just not interested in him like that.

 

I think based on my options that continuing to talk to him would be best. If I just walk away, he will continue to keep doing what he is doing. If I continue to talk to him I may be able to help him put an end to the behavior one way or another. I would think a BS would appreciate some one who knows what he is doing to discourage him.

[Reckless]

what puzzles me is what are you getting out of this? You are getting something or you would have put an end to it and froze him out years ago.

 

I suppose it could feel 'nice' for ones ego to be pursued diligently for years. Personally I would be insulted to be pursued by someone so devoid of values but then that's me (like being pursued by a chimpanzee I would start wondering if I look like cheeta ..)

 

I think you must know and must have known deep down that he has always wanted to have sex with you and since you said you were friends the thought must have crossed your mind - even if its just passing curiosity.

 

The thing is affairs tend to suck people in, a weak moment, loneliness, depression a flick-o-the-wrist and hey-prestoe you have started something you never EVER imagined starting.

 

I'd say be careful but like I said, there must be a reason why you've kept him around and you might have to do some honest soul searching to find out what it is before you contemplate the seedy dangerous slippery-slidy path you've been toying with for so very long...

[Tomcat33]

You cannot help him, he can only help himself. Nothing you will say will hit home because he is not coming to you as a friend for advice he is coming to you with romantic interest. You are the extreme challenge to him and he will find ways to out talk your advice.

 

Unfortunately you cannot help this man, he needs professional help and he needs to turn to therapy on his own.

 

I would ask yourself what you truly want to get out of this "relationship" you are willing to devote so much time to steering him from wrong, why? If telling his W is meddling in other people's lives what is your tie to him through email going to do? no matter what you tell him you are not going to save him, you just don't have that kind of power. It appears he does not want to be saved.

[frygirl]

I would ask yourself what you truly want to get out of this "relationship" you are willing to devote so much time to steering him from wrong, why? If telling his W is meddling in other people's lives what is your tie to him through email going to do? no matter what you tell him you are not going to save him, you just don't have that kind of power. It appears he does not want to be saved.

 

In the past that it how I felt, so I would just continue to blow him off. The tone of his last few emails have been very different. Insetad of trying to hook up with me he has wanted to talk about what he has been doing. I'm thinking he might actually be looking for some one to help him get out of the situation. I have known him for many years and I think he really is reaching out. If not, oh well. I'm not in any danger of falling into an affair so if I can help I want to. If he doesn't take my advice then he can just continue what he is doing and I'll walk away with out any emotinal investment.

 

Once upon a time he was a close freind and maybe I can get him to pull his head out of his a**. If I can't then I'll wash my hands of him.

 

And for those that insist that i must be getting something out of it, I'm not. Well perhaps that's not true. It has been a source for amusement at times, but other than that I don't find being propositioned by a married man to be an ego boost. I think it's creepy.

 

Where's Lizzie? I think she probably has more experience with married men that cheat than anyone else here. Maybe she's had a mm reach out to here like this in the past. I would like to know what she thinks his intentions are for confessing.

[TogetherForever]

In the past that it how I felt, so I would just continue to blow him off. The tone of his last few emails have been very different. Insetad of trying to hook up with me he has wanted to talk about what he has been doing. I'm thinking he might actually be looking for some one to help him get out of the situation. I have known him for many years and I think he really is reaching out. If not, oh well. I'm not in any danger of falling into an affair so if I can help I want to. If he doesn't take my advice then he can just continue what he is doing and I'll walk away with out any emotinal investment.

 

Once upon a time he was a close freind and maybe I can get him to pull his head out of his a**. If I can't then I'll wash my hands of him.

 

And for those that insist that i must be getting something out of it, I'm not. Well perhaps that's not true. It has been a source for amusement at times, but other than that I don't find being propositioned by a married man to be an ego boost. I think it's creepy.

 

Where's Lizzie? I think she probably has more experience with married men that cheat than anyone else here. Maybe she's had a mm reach out to here like this in the past. I would like to know what she thinks his intentions are for confessing.

 

 

I feel that this man needs to confess to his wife & no one else. Maybe therapy is in order also.

[Tomcat33]

I don't think it's about being a BS an OW a woman with experience with cheaters etc... it's about common sense. Common sense says if you really want to help this man, and seeing as you already have built trust on his behalf given he is a friend of yours, talk to him about getting therapy for his problem, and disengage yourself from his problem. You are not equipt to help him, he is clearly in way over his head.

 

 

And for those that insist that i must be getting something out of it, I'm not. Well perhaps that's not true. It has been a source for amusement at times,

 

Amusement? Can you please explain?

 

 

Let me ask you this, what do you think his reasons for confessing to you are?

[norajane]

Although I appreciate your responses I would really like to hear from non-BS and particularly OWs.

 

I am not a BS, and am both a former OW and a former cheater.

 

My advice is the same - you may think you are helping him, or trying to, but you are merely putting yourself in the position of being his Emotional Affair rather than his Physical Affair.

[Tomcat33]

I had no comprehension how a man could continue to hit on a woman that had completely shot him down, especially a married man. I started to think that perhaps deep down he knew I would never give in, so pursuing me felt safe

 

What would be the point of pursuing someone agressivelyto be safe? Can you please explain this too?

If this man masochistic or enjoys rejection?

[Seen_It_All]

His wife teaches kindergarten and is gorgeous. Although she was always kind of rude and dismissive of me (as if I was beneath her notice), she seemed pleasant enough to other people.

Not that YOU did anything wrong, but his wife is probably a little more aware of this scumbag's past history than you realize, and she probably saw you as a threat and was cool toward you.

 

Soon after his emails started they started getting VERY flirty.

Puke.

 

I thought it would be fun to have lunch with him so I said yes. He then sent me an email explaining that he didn’t actually want to have lunch, but that he would reserve a hotel room if I was interested in meeting him there.

Puke again. What a scumbag.

 

It would always start off with polite chit chat and then by about the 4th email he would proposition me.

Big surprise. I repeat, what a scumbag.

 

This week he emailed me and instead of following his usual routine he confessed to me that he has been cheating on his wife for the last couple of years.

LOL - he's SUCH a scumbag that he honestly thought his repulsive behavior would perhaps change your mind????? That once you knew what a pig he was, you'd come running because now YOU wouldn't be the one to tempt him off the straight and narrow path of marriage? This guy is truly an a*sshole.

 

He told me that he wasn’t involved in a affair but was meeting up with women he met online whenever he was out of town.

Oh man, I've often wondered what type of women would lower themselves to actually answering online ads from married men looking to get their d*cks wet. Or women who are desperate enough to spend time chatting with some loser online and then happily meet him at the local motor court when he's in town. There really ARE women out there who are willing to sink to this level? I'm truly embarrassed for my gender.

 

I think he wants to talk to some one about the secret life he’s been living. I don’t know if it’s out of guilt or what though.

LOL, please. The ONLY thing this parasite wants to do is add you to his list of desperate, stupid, needy women who'll screw him and keep their mouths shut when he zips up and runs back home to his wife. You obviously have way too much pride and self respect to sink to his level - THAT is very evident in your post. And I applaud you for being intelligent enough to know the difference.

 

I'm not going to tell you to tell his wife, even though she has a right to know the scumbag she's really married to.

 

Is he just feeling frustrated about not being able to talk to anyone else about what he has been doing and figures I already know the kind of man he is so he might as well spill the beans?

The only thing he's frustrated about is that you're not stupid enough to be another notch in his belt.

 

...but part of me thinks that if he has some one to talk to about what is going on it might help him.

You don't really believe this. For some odd reason, I'm getting the impression that deep down, you enjoy this little game of cat and mouse and the attention from him. Don't lose sight of the fact that this so-called "attention" is not because he finds you witty, intelligent, and irrisistable to be around. You're just another conquest to him and it's utterly insulting that he's reduced you to that.

 

If he really is so unhappy in his marriage that he is cheating maybe he needs to leave his wife.

FryGirl, not every guy looking to get laid is 'unhappy' at home and needs to divorce. It simply sounds like this guy enjoys sport-f*cking and will take it anywhere he can get it. The words "selfish" and "pig" come to mind.

 

You're better than this. Let the pig rut elsewhere.

[frygirl]

Update

 

Since our last conversation where he confessed his adultry, I have not heard from him. Based on his usual pattern I don't expect another email fro at least a month or two. After discussing the situation with my boyfriend I have decided to continue talking to him when he next emails.

 

Based on our history together, he knows he doesn't stand a chance with me. I'm pretty confident that he just felt the need to confess to some body. For now I'll just continue to tell him that what he is doing is not right and see if he eventually really wants to talk about it. The way I see it I can either continue to be the voice of reason in his head telling him that it is wrong or I can just walk away and he'll continue to cheat on his wife. Either way he'll probably continue cheating, but if there is a small chance he is having a crisis on concience maybe I can help him stop his dangerous behavior. To be honest I've been thinking about the fact that he is sleeping with random women he meets online, which can be very dangerous for himslef and his wife. Who knows what kind of diseases he could be bringing home. I still haven't come to the conclusion that I should tell his wife, but I am concerned

 

Either way it really isn't any trouble for me to return the occasional email and the out come has no real affect for my life. If he were my husband and he had confessed his cheating some one, I would hope that that person would try to point out the error in his ways.

[Pilgrim]

Dear Frygirl

 

Obviously, platonic friendship cross-gender isn't necessarily bad. But it's easy to not see clearly the effect of your involvement. Your last comment suggests it is important to you to behave towards him as you'd want someone else to behave toward you if you were the betrayed spouse in her situation.

 

To give you a bloke's perspective I'd say this:

 

Ask yourself what you would expect to see in the way of evidence that his continued contact with you is good not bad. Evidence of change.

 

Ensure you aren't coming inbetween him and his wife - he may well be talking to you as a SUBSTITUTE for sharing feelings with her, which wont be helping. If you continue responding to the emails then:

 

* Encourage him to look at why he's doing what he's doing, and the damage he is causing to his wife.

 

* encourage him to build up his communication direct with her.

 

* see it as your job to do yourself out of a job ie.. wean him off you - not to have no moral counsel, but to replace having a female confidante by getting another guy (of good character!) that he can relate to and be accountable to, so that he still gets the positive input but without the mixed motives from his attraction to you.

 

My wife was unfaithful, and I'm really grateful for the positive counsel in her life from a couple of people she's accountable to as we work through all the CESS that her involvement has left behind, but I'm not sure how I'd feel if her ongoing advice was another bloke - even if it was platonic.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Pilgrim

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'm not sure that these confessions aren't much more than an attention getting thing. It reminds me of how my 10yo son "confesses" to his 19yo sister that his poop was green and smelled like road kill. It is simply to get a rise or reaction out of her, not out of a need to discuss poop, he doesn't do it with anyone else, mom would nod and say that's nice honey and move on but sister EWWS and comes running to mom saying her brother is disgusting while he is laying on the floor laughing. I keep telling her that little boys throw rocks into the lake to watch them splash and she's splashing, stop splashing and he'll stop throwing rocks.

 

I wonder if he would continue to talk about his escapades if you replied, that's nice, look there's the other line, gotta go. It would be great for everyone involved if you could help him but it doesn't sound like he wants help, it sounds like he enjoys attention outside his marriage.

[frygirl]

Thank you Pilgrim. I really appreciate your reply. I also agree with everything you said. If I feel that my involvement isn't helping and is anyway impeding his relationship with his wife, I would cut off contact. But if there is a chance I can help I would like too. I forwarded the emails to my boyfriend and he also got the impression that the confession was made out of guilt and the need to reach out. We discussed that as long as I set certain boundaries for myself and the contact I had with him, it wouldn't hurt to try to counsel him towards stopping what he is doing and ultimately telling his wife. If it doesn't work, then at least I tried.

[lonelybird]

frygirl

From your posts I found something very strange.

 

1. He downright asked you for sex in a hotel room. Didn't show you respect.

 

2. confess to you. This is extremely strange to me. As a believer if we have guilt, we confess to God and ask God for forgiveness, not to people

 

3. He knew he hooked you up. why? you have a heart to try to "help him". and he knew this is your weakness. The more you invest time and your care for him, the more difficult for you to plug out. and he knew this too.

 

How can a emotional affair help his marriage? especially for a serial cheater? can you change him? you can stop you being through hell, go completely NO CONTACT with him. If you continue the contact, you may stuck in the muddle too deeply to withdraw.

[TogetherForever]

So, if everyone in an affair confessed to God only & not their partner, well, all is forgiven, according to lonelybird.

[frygirl]

frygirl

From your posts I found something very strange.

 

1. He downright asked you for sex in a hotel room. Didn't show you respect.

 

2. confess to you. This is extremely strange to me. As a believer if we have guilt, we confess to God and ask God for forgiveness, not to people

 

3. He knew he hooked you up. why? you have a heart to try to "help him". and he knew this is your weakness. The more you invest time and your care for him, the more difficult for you to plug out. and he knew this too.

 

How can a emotional affair help his marriage? especially for a serial cheater? can you change him? you can stop you being through hell, go completely NO CONTACT with him. If you continue the contact, you may stuck in the muddle too deeply to withdraw.

 

Not every male/female realtionship becomes an emotional affair. I am in no danger of entering into one.

 

I am really shocked by everyone thinking I should NC. I am actually kind of insulted that they assume I can't talk to this guy with out having some sort of EA or otherwise.

 

And, I know he is a cheater. Do I think he is some sort of evil bastard that should be boiled in oil? No. You say you are a believer as am I, so you should understand that we are all sinners and all deserve a chance to make things right. If he is reaching out for help, I'm willing to help.

[whichwayisup]

Look bottomline, he wants to have sex with you. Reaching out to you, confessing, flirting, whatever he is doing may be heartfelt, but given the chance, he WILL have sex with you if you let him.

 

You also aren't the right person to help him. I mean, are you trying to save him? Rescue him? What are YOU getting out of this.

 

And, if he IS working on things with his wife, trust me on this one, she will NOT appreciate you being his shoulder or someone he comes to talk to about their personal life. He should see a therapist or talk to a male buddy, not a female friend who he has tried to hit on.

 

I am actually kind of insulted that they assume I can't talk to this guy with out having some sort of EA or otherwise

 

You're emotionally attached to him and you can't even see it. Re-read your first post.

[norajane]

I am actually kind of insulted that they assume I can't talk to this guy with out having some sort of EA or otherwise.

 

How do you think EA's begin? They begin with two people sharing personal information with each other, at first on a friendly basis with no intention of developing feelings. But then the trust builds up, the intimacy builds up, and they find themselves thinking about each other all the time.

 

Regardless of what your level of emotional involvement is with him, that does not preclude him from developing an emotional attachment to you. If you're the one to whom he turns to discuss his feelings about his wife, his marriage, his cheating, his personal thoughts and feelings, you become an emotional affair to him.

 

Plus, if he relies on you, if he shares with you, that's a lot of emotion and intimate energy he is not sharing with his wife. He's already let you know he's interested in sex with you. Become his confidante and you add emotions to the mix. I'm certain that's not the healthiest way for him to address his cheating problem. A therapist is better equipped and certainly less risky. Steer him in that direction if you must help him, but don't become the person he relies upon to listen to his innermost thoughts.

[lonelybird]

Not every male/female realtionship becomes an emotional affair. I am in no danger of entering into one.

 

I am really shocked by everyone thinking I should NC. I am actually kind of insulted that they assume I can't talk to this guy with out having some sort of EA or otherwise.

 

And, I know he is a cheater. Do I think he is some sort of evil bastard that should be boiled in oil? No. You say you are a believer as am I, so you should understand that we are all sinners and all deserve a chance to make things right. If he is reaching out for help, I'm willing to help.

Or you are insulted that I just push the fact into light?

 

Yes, we are all sinners. What strike me hard was that he claimed he is a believer yet doesn't have fear for God, as you know, God doesn't like adultery. A man who works for God, wants to please God, just cannot do such thing. In this case, if he really felt guilt, the first one he go to is God. because only God can forgive our sins, only God can release us from the guilty in our heart. He really put you in a high pedestal, and be careful when you are in that position.

 

Do you think your help can change him from dishonest man to a honest man?

The most valuable help may be that pray for him in a far distance, just my two cents

 

Female/male relationship does exist, but based on mutual respect, trust. I don't see how he did this when he asked you for sex downright, even no courting stage.

 

But if you are strong enough not to fall into pit, then I have nothing to say.

 

Good luck