Magnolia Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 [font=arial][/font][color=darkblue][/color] My boyfriend has never really had a serious girlfriend before me, so he is very used to looking at porn. When we first started in our relationship, it didn't bother me that much because it didn't seem to be a problem for us sexually. We were having sex all the time. You see, he's the type of guy who cannot go to sleep at night without either jerking off or having sex. So, when i wasn't there at his apt, he'd look at porn. Then when he'd be studying during the day, he'd be downloading alot of porn off the internet for his procrastination, and would jerk off around 3 times a day. Still, no problem but I found it a bit odd. When I told him this, he stopped telling me anything and would just feel like I was angry at him for a stupid reason. I wasn't angry, but to me, it bothered me that he was getting so attracted and searching and choosing his perfect woman to masterbate to. Why wasn't I enough? When I have a boyfriend, I feel like looking at porn is an invasion of our relationship, and i feel like I'm kind of cheating by doing it. I'm really attracted to my guy and don't want to be dreaming about other men! And thinking of him getting all hot about other women makes me feel like he is cheating. I've never had a boyfriend who was so into porn before and I've had some very serious relationships. I was always if not enough, I was their everything sexual goddess who would do anything to be their porn star, so they were nuts about it. He still looks at his porn... To make a long story short.. he went away for a semester abroad and while there, was looking at ALOT of porn, since I was away.. i went there to live with him for 2 months and when i was using his computer one day, I saw some of the porn he had saved.. we're not talking about one or 2 photos, but I mean he had HUGE files of naked women all over his computer. When i saw them, I freaked. I felt so sick, and ill.. it all became so real, that it made me sick. It wasn't a random thing anymore. So he saw my reaction and promised me he wouldn't look at porn anymore. i believed him, although told him it was ridiculous that i didn't want him to make such a promise to me.. it was just that it really hurt me to think that I wasn't enough for him. All was ok, because I was living with him there. Now we are back home and in our respective apartments, and although he promised me he wouldn't look at porn anymore, during a fight he told me he was looking at it and just not telling me. He knows it would make me angry so he just didn't tell me. But I wasn't as angry as I was hurt, especially by the fact that I can't trust him if he makes me a promise which in fact doesn't mean anything to him. So he now tells me WELL I can only promise that if we are together, because then i don't think about it, but if I am alone in the privacy of my own home then it's none of your business, and if I told you it would only hurt you more so I choose not to tell you. My question to you is how can i trust this guy? He is so amazing in so many ways, and I really want it to work with him, but I feel like his words mean nothing anymore. To top it all off, the way he has sex is like a porn, very sexual and never sensual. What I mean is that he doesn't take the time to really FEEL ourselves together, as much as I try to explain this to him.. and I love that kind of sex... he just says dirty things and is sexual, which I love sometimes, but I miss the type of guy who also makes love, you know? I just am really confused now after finding out that he lied to me in order not to make me upset. He thinks I have a problem and shouldn't see porn as such a problem since it means nothing to him. But if it really meant nothing to him, since I am so hurt by it why doesn't he just stop? Or at least feel guilty about it and not look at it? Am I overreacting? please, I need an objective person to be honest with me on this one.. It's just so hard because I never mistrusted him before and now it really hurts, and he is so defensive about this to a point which I find very odd and painful... Thanks.. Magnolia Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 It sounds to me like he has an addiction to porn...or he enjoys it very much. There's lots of it on the Internet and he can probably never get enough of what he considers a good thing. He'll probably always enjoy sexy pictures of naked women andl, unless you allow it, he will probably always lie to you. The best thing I can suggest is that he get counselling and learn strategies to beat the addiction. Meanwhile, there's a whole lot worse things he could be addicted to. Don't take it personally. I'm sure he's very attracted to you. He just enjoys looking at these pictures. Get him some help or get another boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
mighty bop Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 I understand how you feel Magnolia, but at the same timie, I understand your boyfriends addiction. I am somewhat addicted. However, if my girl were with me every night and I knew I would be making love to her, I would have no need for porn. But as it is, we only make love about 2 times a week because of our schedules. And I am one horny dude. Can't help it. ANyways, tell him how much you like him and that if he needs it more than what you are giving him, give it to him some more. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 I told my b/f how much it upset me, and he sais he would stop and delete all his porn. I found out he had downloaded some and hadn't deleted it. So I deleted it for him. Turns out he didn't care and he had forgotten about it. As for the more porn downloading, he said that it was done automatically by a program. Excuses or not it is now gone. I am just glad I have a higher sex drive than him, so even though we don't see each other much it isn't a problem. But then again he could have more porn and I wouldn't know Link to post Share on other sites
Author Magnolia Posted February 1, 2003 Author Share Posted February 1, 2003 Thank you so much for responding.. you have no idea how much this is bothering me. First of all, do you guys really think he has an addiction?? I find that a bit harsh to think that it's a real serious problem that would require therapy. i'm starting to think it's me that just needs to change my views on the subject and would love if it didn't hurt me so much.. problem is, that it gets me upset. Second of all, I would LOVE to have more sex with him and see him more often, even just to go see him for 5 minutes and have crazy fast sex and fulfill every fantasy. Problem is, like what just happened now, I went over there and he had already jerked off 45 minutes ago so he told me he doesn't think he could even get it up again, plus he took a shower so he doesn't want to get all sweaty again. WHAT is that??? He was not like that before.. I know we're having some problems right now, but that's just.. he said I should understand. He wants to be alone more often cuz of his schoolwork, or just because of the fact that he likes to be alone alot.. so how am I supposed to give him more if when I go over there just for a quickie, he's already spent? As for deleting the internet porn, no way. I would never do that. He did it himself. For me to do that, in my opinion, is an invasion of his privacy and I just think that's wrong. His things are his and mine are mine, and we both respect that. Going over that boundary is treading into pretty dangerous territory. Link to post Share on other sites
mighty bop Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 That's funny, he already jerked off by the time you got over there. Maybe he is unsure of whether or not you are gonna give it to him so he just jerks off to get his gratification?? Make plans for sex, and then maybe he won't jerk off as much anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Magnolia Posted February 1, 2003 Author Share Posted February 1, 2003 He knows I never say no to sex, any time or place. We have a great time having sex. The thing about tonight was that I went there as a surprise. He wasn't expecting me to show up. Just went over there for a good night kiss. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 A preoccupation or large amount of time spent viewing pornography is definitely an addiction. Learn to use a good search engine like http://www.google.com and you'll get your answers to these types of burning questions almost instantly. I hope you can work this out OK. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Magnolia Posted February 1, 2003 Author Share Posted February 1, 2003 thanks tony.. you've been a big help. I think the best thing for me right now is just to lay off and keep some distance from him. It's not good for me either to be so worried and upset all the time. If it's meant to be, then things will work out and if not, well then there's someone else out there for me! Link to post Share on other sites
mighty bop Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 If he is choosing porn over you, this is no good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Magnolia Posted February 1, 2003 Author Share Posted February 1, 2003 I know. you're right. I think he might be for now because he is sick of us seeing eachother and fighting about it. So, since I am always upset with him, instead of stopping it, he runs away, wants to be alone, and jerks off. Less problems if i'm not around, you see? he used to never be like this. A year into our relationship and right away he freaks. I think he's immature and a commitment phobe. Link to post Share on other sites
mighty bop Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 What about both of you viewing it? Ever thought about that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Magnolia Posted February 1, 2003 Author Share Posted February 1, 2003 i did think of that. he doesn't want to because he knows how much it hurts me and he thinks i'll flip out. i want to be cool about this and really don't want this to come between us, so I have suggested that, but reality is, I probably will get upset seeing him get turned on by these other women. I know it's just images, but i really don't understand why it's that important to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 Here is a hint. Show him this thread. Let him know how much it hurts you and how much it is a major part of the problems in your elationship. If he doesn't know about it, he can't fix it. If he doesn't want to fix it then you have your answer. Leave Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted February 6, 2003 Share Posted February 6, 2003 [color=indigo] Magnolia, Please take it from someone who dated a sex addict for 8 years... This is an addiction like any other. It has nothing to do with you personally at all. Don't under estimate this addiction. There are TONS of people in therapy for sex addiction. It isn't as shallow rooted as it may seem. It isn't about naked women. It goes much deeper then that. Patrick Carnes is the "king" of sexual addiction and has written many books on the subject. Please check out this online article: http://open-mind.org/News/SLA/10.htm How you are feeling is normal and there are support groups out there as well for women who have spouses/boyfriends who are sex addicts. I would take this a little more seriously then you are considering you have residual negative feelings as a result of his actions. If you have any other questions, please don't hesitate to ask. Best wishes.. [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
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