amira Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Me and my husband have been married for over 4 years and have a 2 year old son. Our marriage has been rocky from th estart and things just got worse. So much so that we could barely speak civilly to each other. About 4 moths back I got into an affair with a friend of ours on whom I was leaning on emotionally. He is a very close friend of my husband's too. Anyway I ended the afair and have not been in touch with the guy. my husband and me had a talked about our marriage and the problems we were having some time back and have both been trying to put things back to a normal state and believe me we are more happy now than anytime in the past. Guilt at what i have done is eating at me. I can hardly sleep or eat. And now when i think of it it was so meaningless. I have not told my husband about my affair that had happened. But i have been looking for help. A lot of advice columns that i have seen suggest that u tell your spouse and start afresh. What should i do? I dont want to lose my new found happiness and now that both me and my husband have genuinely started working at our marriage...Is that selfish on my part? I am very confused, feeling very guilty because i know taht no matter what i have done wrong.
amaysngrace Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I don't want to tell you what to do about saying something to him. I did it before, came clean, although mine was different because I was raped but it still felt like cheating to me because I put myself in a situation. It's a hard realization because you know what you did was wrong. At least you have a good conscience. I wouldn't say anything to him unless you're positive in your heart you'd never do anything like that again. Otherwise you'd just be cheating him twice.
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 One thing to be aware of though is, what if that 'friend' tells your husband that you two had an affair. It is a possibility UNLESS he feels just as bad and guilty about it as you do, but even then, you never know... Has your husband wondered why this friend isn't around anymore? Doesn't he wonder why you two aren't speaking anymore?
Melissa277 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 amira, I don't want to tell you what to do either. But if you read my thread, my husband's affair has destroyed our lives. I asked him why he told me about the affair ... he lost his job because of it and could have told me he made some major mistake at work or something like that and I would have never known. His response was that he couldn't take the guilt anymore. I guess you have to follow your own conscience. Just please, please, be prepared that your husband will be hurt beyond words whether you tell him now or he finds out sometime down the road.
Bryanp Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I think you should tell your husband for many reasons. First, if the roles were reversed wouldn't you expect him to be honest with you? Second, shouldn't he know about his so-called friend so he will not spend time with him? Do you realize if say a year or two goes bye and he finds out about the affair and that you allowed him to continue to be friends with this guy what a fool he will feel like. He will be totally humiliated. Third, your husband has a right to have all of the information he needs to decide what he wishes to do now and in the future. Fourth, your husband and yourself should be tested for std's just to be on the safe side. Finally, either you have a marriage based on honesty and respect or dishonesty and lies. You are continuing to disrespect and humiliate him by not belng honest with him; and are continuing to allow him to make a fool of himself by continuing to be friends with a man who had no problem screwing his wife behind his back. Please do the right thing. Honesty and respect versus lies and deceit as a foundation of your marriage. The choice is yours. I wish you luck.
Author amira Posted June 11, 2007 Author Posted June 11, 2007 No there is not a chance that the "friend" will tell my husband anything. No ne other than the two of us knows what happened.
Lynna Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 Amira, do you know at all from past conversations how your husband might react if you tell him?
Author amira Posted June 11, 2007 Author Posted June 11, 2007 No there is not a chance that the "friend" will tell my husband anything. No ne other than the two of us knows what happened. I am so soory about what i did and in my heart i know that i will never ever repeat this huge mistake. Th eguilt thati have been going through has made me realise how close i came to losing the two most precious people in my life, my husband and my baby... and that too for something so meaningless.. My husband wondered why i was so low and i told him that i was upset about how we were hardly communicating anymore.. He and I have started to work at our relationship and have conciously been trying to sort out issues between us. I am so desperate for my marriage to work, so happy right now when i see my husband also making an effort like he never had, I want to forget what happened and move on..with the ray of hope that i see.. and put the pieces back together. Does it sound selfish? What do i do... please help me..
Lynna Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 Amira, I would definitely seek counseling for yourself at least, and maybe marriage counseling. Talk to a professional, they will help you examine your feelings and guilt. Ultimately, only you can decide what to do. But professional advice specific to your situation may help you make that decision.
Author amira Posted June 11, 2007 Author Posted June 11, 2007 hi! thanks for your reply. I spoke to a counsellor and i was told that since i was repenting and all it was ok since from my rections it did not seem likely that such a situation would repeat. My counsellor also told me that he would help me get over the guilt ans work better at my marriage. He said that since me and my husband had opened up to each other and were working out the problems.. it was best to let th eother issue be and get over the guilt and be true here on.. does taht seem the way to go..?
jmargel Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 My husband wondered why i was so low and i told him that i was upset about how we were hardly communicating anymore.. He and I have started to work at our relationship and have conciously been trying to sort out issues between us How? You are not telling him something of major importance and he is continuing to stay in this marriage under false pretense. You are not telling him because you are being selfish. This is not showing love. Just because a counselor suggests that you don't tell him, doesn't mean that's right. If you were to be cheated on, would you want to know and be given the opportunity to stay or leave the marriage? Or would you rather be lied to and be living a life that is holding hurtful secrets? Deception is what you are doing now to cover up your lies and cheating. The guilt has already consumed you and it will continue. This guilt will manifest itself into other areas which more than likely will destroy your marriage. Now is the time to come clean and accept all the consequences. What you are doing is acting irresponsible. You need to deal with this problem not try to push it under the rug.
Cobra_X30 Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 You are saying that this guy is working his tail off to make a sham marriage work??? My advice. If you dont plan on telling him. Get a divorce and move on. Doesnt he deserve to be with someone honest?
Darth Vader Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 No there is not a chance that the "friend" will tell my husband anything. No ne other than the two of us knows what happened. I am so soory about what i did and in my heart i know that i will never ever repeat this huge mistake. Th eguilt thati have been going through has made me realise how close i came to losing the two most precious people in my life, my husband and my baby... and that too for something so meaningless.. My husband wondered why i was so low and i told him that i was upset about how we were hardly communicating anymore.. He and I have started to work at our relationship and have conciously been trying to sort out issues between us. I am so desperate for my marriage to work, so happy right now when i see my husband also making an effort like he never had, I want to forget what happened and move on..with the ray of hope that i see.. and put the pieces back together. Does it sound selfish? What do i do... please help me.. This will work, until your husband finds out about your affair. Someone saw you two, Trust Me!
FireandIce Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 I think you should tell your husband for many reasons. First, if the roles were reversed wouldn't you expect him to be honest with you? Second, shouldn't he know about his so-called friend so he will not spend time with him? Do you realize if say a year or two goes bye and he finds out about the affair and that you allowed him to continue to be friends with this guy what a fool he will feel like. He will be totally humiliated. Third, your husband has a right to have all of the information he needs to decide what he wishes to do now and in the future. Fourth, your husband and yourself should be tested for std's just to be on the safe side. Finally, either you have a marriage based on honesty and respect or dishonesty and lies. You are continuing to disrespect and humiliate him by not belng honest with him; and are continuing to allow him to make a fool of himself by continuing to be friends with a man who had no problem screwing his wife behind his back. Please do the right thing. Honesty and respect versus lies and deceit as a foundation of your marriage. The choice is yours. I wish you luck. ITA with you! I found out about the affair that had been going on for about 8 months. I felt like a total fool for not knowing it was going on (although I did have my suspicions which he denied). I couldn't imagine being with someone, working hard on my marriage only to find out a year or two down the road he had an affair. It would kill me! Tell your husband and let him decide what he wants to do. It's unfair of you not to disclose everything when you guys are trying so hard to make things work. Everything you do is being overshadowed by the affair you had and you will not be able to completely give it your all until everything is out on the table.
LakesideDream Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Amira, sadly you are sitting on a rumbling volcano. Each day/month/year that passes will make the eventual disclosure of your affair more devistating. A related issue is that as you say, your husband is working harder than ever on your marriage. If you love him, how can you allow him to "work" like that without knowing the problems he's facing? You claim to be making a "genuine" effort to improve your marriage... can't you see how hypocritical that statement is? Nothing about your behavior in the past four months has been "genuine". Deception is your normal demeanor. You are afraid of your husbands reaction. Afraid he will leave or ask you to leave. Well you should be. He didn't try to fill the void in his marriage with another womans vagina. You on the other hand offered yours up willingly to soothe your hurt feelings. Sooner or later your affair will come to light. Sooner is better than later. Don't ruin all you and your husbands future memories, like you have your past ones.
Author amira Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 i guess you are all right about this. I intend to tell him and then face the consequences.. no matter what! And like you said he deserves someone honest. I shall stop being hypocritical and be true to myself and own up. Thank you for all your help and answers.
Bryanp Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Good luck Amira, This shows you are truly a person of character. I wish you luck.
Lynna Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Good luck Amira! Be sure to tell him how much he means to you and tell him you are willing to do whatever he needs. Tell him what you told us about how much you want to work on things. If you get a chance later and want to, let us know how it goes. We'll be praying for you!
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