She finally hit my limit on generosity after she dumped me

[TooMuchTheGentleman]

I cant decide how to feel, i still think im more appalled and disgusted than angry...

quick summary... she just turned 19, im 25. Met september '06 in college, officially dating oct '06, gave promise ring jan 1st '07, we slowly decided that we should marry eventually during the next 2 months, ie engaged without official announcement, as i wanted to wait at least til october, then have a long engagement as we are still in college.

Whirlwind romance, we worked great, our familys each loved the other one, sure we were made for each other, rarely disagreed, i was always happy, the first time in my life i could say what was really on my mind anytime without bitingmy tongue. longest happiest days of my life... then half way through may, get dumped. ring set on table.... "i still love you, just not in love" "i tried to work on it" "i just turned 19, im not as mature as i thought, need to enjoy my last bit of teenhood" and other such lines...

We've livedin a one bed apartment for quite some time, been great... day after she dumped me, we talked, let alot out, decided we are still great friends, can be roommates til the lease is out, not sharing bed, just taking turns on bed and airmattress. Then a few days later, says she wants to move, her living with me causing problems with the new rebound guy, not enough space etc. Ok,I talked to her next day, I said "i dont want her to remember me as trapping her, so imma take overthe lease, cause i like the place, she'll always be welcome, ill always help out, etc"

she was supposed to get a job already for the summer and start paying her part of expenses, reason for not taking a job she had all but started "I didnt know we were gonna break up" Ive been taking care of her last 3 weeks, despite having no real responsiblity to do so. she is supposed to move, but now isnt sure about moving in with her friend, and will prolly only get her new job if they dont test for drugs as she went with friends to smoke out the other day....

I had promised her dad even that i would take care of her, etc during the relationship, before we moved in. Out of compassion, my still being in love no matter how much it hurt, promise to dad, my used to being her provider, ive been makin sure she has food here she can eat, lettin her have a few dollars for gas to go play with friends (partially so i get the place alone for a few hours), still paying all the bills, etc.

Out of common decency, the one rule would be not bringin anyone back to the place: 1. opposite sex with romantic interest,dating,etc 2. not rubbing her new dating life in my face 3. normal roommate courtesy asking before letting Anyone come over.

All 3 broken today, I woke to a call by one of my guys askin me to help him shop cars, the minute she heard me sayin id be leavin, calls invites a guy i havent met, (but from mentioning, i assumed would be the next rebound boyfriend for 2 weeks), says to me when i ask about that: "I thought it would be ok since you would be gone."

I knew what was gonna happen, just let it be cause i have other things to do, then me and my friend need to stop in to use my computer, i call ahead so i dont walk in on something that would kill me or send me into a rage (not a aggressive person, but everyone has a limit eventually) she asks for another hour, i give her 15 minutes, we come in to my place, obvious with her bed hair, the smell, the bed moved a bit, etc. that guy left, then me andmy friend left, and she left later, as she is not here now.

I have to sleep in that bed, as theres not room for me to move in my bed, its disrespectful in general the same as a roommate using your bed for sex when youre out, its unimaginably cruel knowing I'm still in love with her (although that is not the strongest feeling after today), just plain disgusting and appalling that she could do that, specially with me takin care of her just out of goodness til she gets money from a job.

well, no more, i think this crosses the line from just appreciating someone helpin you out to outright using them...

Im gonna go have a drink with her dad, since i respect him, hes in my line of work (might run into him again one day), and cause i had promised him to take care of her. Gonna explain that whatever happened, hormones, her new antidepressant, boredom whatever, Im sorry i couldnt give her the life she deserved, let him know i never did anything wrong to her, not even raise my voice or lie about something small, and then explain that i just cant let her take advantage of me... If shes starving, ill let her eat some of my food, etc, but otherwise, i cant keep housing and taking care of her....

then im gonna explain to her, i cant trust her anymore, if she needs to stay here another week, she will abide by the rules since shes not paying a dime, and that one of us is packing, cause this just isnt gonna work.

its killed my heart, wrecked my mind, caused physical problems from stress etc, i have to cut her off while i still have something left...

course, i havea feeling,shes gonna get out on her own, datearound, then realize what she left.... and start tryin to come back, etc.

I dont know if i could give her a second chance, especially anytime soon, as it would take at least many months for her to be trustworthy in my eyes again. I do still love her greatly, she had all the qualities ive wanted, all but literally the girl ive dreamt of and hoped for. I dont konw what will happen, dont know if she might deserve a second chance once shes done alot of growin up, if im not already with someone better. I would prolly be waiting for her to leave again or do soemthing else hurtful....

 

so what do i do? cut her off and send her on her way, move out myself and leave her stuck with the bills? give another couple of weeks? see what her dad suggests and wants done for her?

do i write her off forever, or do i try to let things end in a friendly manner in case she wakes up one day?

 

thanks, i gotta do something tomorrow, im told im too caring (not codependant) and that im being used and wasted by her right now

[underpants]

I am so sorry.

 

She is using you and you are enabling it. You seem to genuinely care about her, but you are right, there is a line between care and becoming someone's doormat.

 

If you meet with her Dad. Limit yourself to one drink, no need to get sloopy and spill emotional stuff, or talk down his daughter. Tell him that she has ended the relationship and that it is no longer practical for you two to live together. Ask him if she can move in with him until she finds a job or roomate. If he says okay then awesome arrange the move for this weekend.

 

If he says no then who's name is on the lease? If you then you have to give her a date to be out by. 2 weeks would be more then generous, but I wouldn't want to deal with 2 weeks. If you can get out of the lease or if it is in her name alone, then leave. You just don't want to get into a financial burden over it. If you two wind up having to cohabitate until her deadline, I would suggest that you remove very valuable things. Not that she would steal from you, or trash your stuff, but you just might want to be cautious. She is young and once you issue this ultimatium, stand up for yourself a bit, she might flip out a little (this of course is her reaction to her own choice and the consequences of that choice, but again, she is young).

 

If you do give her a date to be out by, maybe you could ask a friend if you can stay with them for those few days. To avoid the drama and all.

 

You seem to be handling this very dignified. With your mindset, eventually, you will find someone who can contribute equally in a relationship. Don't waste time waiting for someone to 'grow up'.

 

Good luck dude.

Unders

[TooMuchTheGentleman]

In a bit of forsight, protecting myself, and credit reasons, i had her do everything in her name, just in case it ever got bad enough to walk out on.... but to save her dad from having to pay it off, i've said i want to take over the lease, ill put everyting in my name as soon as i can clear a couple of things on my credit, etc.

I actually like this place alot, its a block from campus, real cheap but safe area, and very little of the stuff in here is hers, i never moved in all my stuff... and i figure im gettin to old to move back in with dad, 20 miles away from campus too...

tomorrow i guess i explain the basis to her dad then come back and talk to her, ill have to very careful to not reveal too much neg about her or say she seems like shes about to start sleeping around or screwin her life up, as its not my business or responsibiilty anymore, she had her chance to share in my life and reap the benefits. right now, i konw if she came home tonight and said "sorry, i screwed up, i didnt know amazing life with you was, i want to start over, etc" i know i wouldnt cave, but I do know, the longer im alone, the harder itll be and the more time passes the more likely she is to want back in my life and heart and under my guidance and care and love.

thanks for helping, i hope i can stick to my guns on this, i cant let her think im weak, or think she will be able to treat others like this.

TooMuchTheGentleman

[trent25]

This is another case of men falling in love with too young of a girl (myself included. She is 19 bro. I mean for God's sake, 19 for a girl is so dangerous to fall for. She is so damn young and immature. The only problem here is that you are acting like her second father rather than her lover. She wants to have fun and be treated like dirt. She wants challenge and you are pretty much handing her money. Please learn from my mistake, do not fall for a young girl. You already have. But when you gave that promise ring, did you actually fool yourself into thinking she would be the same girl six days, six months, or six years from now? Or was it always in the back of your head that she was 19? Get out now. Why would you apologize to her father for something you didn't do? You should look at him for disgust for raising something like that. I would tell her dad, her, and her dog to screw off. If there is one thing I have learned, do not let these stupid young girls use you. Find a woman. That's what I am going to do.

[Tony T]

You're biggest problem is you are way way way way way way way too nice to this user lady who is sucking you dry because she knows she can. Here she is, having a new guy, and you're still willing to see that she has food, money, etc. That's a bunch of bunk!

 

It's OVER. That's spelled O-V-E-R. Get her out of your life. When she sees you have ceased to be a wussie (no personal attack intended) she most probably will want you again...and even more than before.

 

Stop being so nice and generous. Get some backbone. Get this gal OUT of your life now and move on. What advantage is it to you to continue helping her and being available to her while she bangs other guys in between coming to you for help?

 

YUK!

[underpants]

Gentleman,

 

While I agree with some of these fine folks, you may still be too in the forest to see with complete objectivity. This is normal. I am sure at some point you will go through the anger stage. I am sure you have some, and you are dealing with it very well. When and if it does hit, try not to stay there too long as it stops you from moving on and realizing that not all women are like this. Heck, even when I was young and stupid I never pulled crap like her, that is just ....sad.

 

Now for some practical advice. Okay, the lease is in her name. Awesome. Talk to her, don't let emotions come into play with this discussion. If you need to jot some points down on paper to keep the discussion on topic. Sounds cold, but the reality is that this is something that has to be resolved and quickly. Ask her straight up what she wants, to live there or to move out. No wiggle room, no I need to wait for this or that. Say to her, one of us needs to be out, is it you or me? Or even better, let her know that you will pay for this months rent but then you will not be living or contributing to this apartment after that. Then move back, even if to you Dad's this weekend when she is not there. She will come home to an empty apartment and no support. That might be the wake up call she needs to grow up a little, but dude, I doubt that. She will find sympathy from where ever and repeat these behaviors until....well, until. Not your problem.

 

I know you like the place, but really, if you stayed, she might show up there after a fight with one of her randoms, or some other ....take care of me moments. If you moved, she might have to look elsewhere for that support. I know you probably don't relish the idea of moving back to Dad, or staying on a friends couch, but a little inconvenience now might save you alot of heartache and money in the long haul.

 

As for meeting with her Dad. Now that you know the plan, as you would have resolved it with his daughter by then. Just have again, one drink, and leave, keep the meeting under 30 minutes. This will show more integrity then being drinking buddies or having the loose tongue that alcohol enables. Just tell him the plan and that you care about his daughter, respect him and wish them both the best. That is really all you can do.

 

I was glad to hear that your name is not on the lease or the bills, this frees you from responsibility. You should take this opportunity. I am sure there are other great spots near campus, summer is a great time to look. She might find some ways to tell herself that you have abandoned her, or turn her choices around so that you are the bad guy, (this is classic coping for young immature types) if this should come to pass, let it roll off your back, and validate even further how lucky you will be in the long run.

 

Leave soon, and leave with your dignity and integrity intact.

 

Regards,

Unders

[oppath]

I agree with underpants. You do need to enter the anger stage, but how you handle the anger stage will determine how long you remain in it. I'm still struggling 5 months later because I feel how I expressed my anger showed a lack of dignity, though not integrity. As a result I hang my head in embarrassment, largely because she made me out to be the bad guy. You have chance to express anger ASSERTIVELY, not aggressively, and you should be proud when you do it because you will be standing up for yourself.

 

Enter the anger stage now; deal with it now. Tell her that the current arrangement is not only unacceptable to you, but you feel she is taking advantage of it and disrespecting you, and it has to end now. No in a month, no compromises, it ends now. You will pay your share of one month's rent and utilities, nothing more. The lease is in her name so you are not obligated. Move out. Crash on a couch or at your dad's. Find some single male roommates to move in with. I think YOU should move out because it will help sever memories you had with her. For me, sleeping in the same bed my ex and I used to sleep in was difficult. Even buying new sheets helped me cope. If I shared a place, I would be out of there.

 

This girl is taking advantage of you. How you deal with it will determine how you move on. It is ok to express anger to her -- let's get that out of the way -- but it's best to do it as calm but as firmly as possible. Don't resort to labeling or name-calling, even if she does. Be strict but firm. It is over, you are disrespecting and taking advantage of me, the situation must change. In one week, one of us is gone, who is it going to be? I would recommend you leave. You legally will not be held responsible for the apartment at all if you are not on the lease; it doesn't matter if you had an oral agreement with her, that is not binding in rental agreements, at most you'd be held accountable to one months SHARE of the rent.

 

Get out.

[justpassingthrough]

She screwed the new guy in YOUR bed, leaving you to sleep in the (former) wet spot, and you continue to FEED her?

 

No.

 

Yeah, meet with dad but, whatever you do, do not apologize for anything. You hold no responsibility for her actions. Sure, you're responsible for how you react, but you have gone above and beyond in that area. You've shown you're honorable.

 

And, yeah, maybe you did promise to take care of daddy's little girl, but I suspect daddy knows there are certain situations that would make the agreement null and void, and that this would be one of them. Answer questions he might have, but do not offer up details.

 

Someone mentioned anger, and that's a valuable point in this discussion that should not be overlooked. The anger is there (there's no way it couldn't be) and it will manifest itself somehow. I once heard someone who I believe to be a credible source say that 90% of depression is anger turned inward. Find a healthy outlet. You're going through a whole lotta changes right now. Make sure you take care of yourself.

[TooMuchTheGentleman]

Well, haven't had a chance to deal with this, to make matters worse, i found out my maternal grandmothers in the hospital with pneumonia...

then saturday night found out shes gotten put onthe ventilator, if shes stilll alive in a few hours, gotta go visit... when i told my ex she asked if theres anything she could do, i only asked that she come with me to visit grandmother and pretend to be happy, so that she could die thinking i was happy and taken care of... a Kantian would disagree, but im a utilitarian philosophically...

I appreciate the advice, and plan to have this taken care of this sunday afternoon, after visiting my grandmother if she hasnt died yet...

These last few weeks have been the worst of my entire life....

[TooMuchTheGentleman]

Turns out i jumped to conclusions out of emotional stress and generic paranoia.... doesnt change much, but does mean i was reacting to something that happened only in my mind..

This is continued in a new thread, Hasty conclusions lead to confusion.