Lynna Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 [COLOR=black]After just one year of marriage (and a total of three years of living together) my husband had an affair with a woman at his work. I am crushed, but I can't imagine life without him, I love him very deeply. He says that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. He suffers from self-esteem issues and depression, which I believe were the main factor in his affair, as we had not been having any problems.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]I was happy that he was finally making friends in our new town and the group of friends were supposedly going out a lot. I encouraged that as I had night classes, therefore was glad he had something to do. She is younger and yes in better shape then me and they became good friends, too good. There was a period of a few weeks when I realized what was happening and confronted him with the issue and he lied to me and told me it had been a one night stand. His story did not make sense and I kept pushing but he would change some details, or try and avoid talking about it. Further suspicious behavior led me to do something I thought I would never do, I read his journal. Then I confronted him.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]It was rough but we started talking. The affair is now over, and we are both willing to work on our marriage, however, I don't know how to trust him again. I am very jealous now about any women friends he has. They don't work together anymore, but I know they still have email contact, and possibly even phone contact. And I know they saw each other in person during a weekend out of town, though he swears to me that nothing happened.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]Additionally, periodically he brings up the fact that I read his journal as if that makes us even. [/COLOR][COLOR=black]I know what I did was wrong, but I was desperate, I knew that he was having an affair and I could not go on living like we were with him lying to me and letting the affair go on. That was the only way I could think of to force the issue. So I am dealing with my own feelings of guilt because doing that did violate my own values, but to me this still feels like less of a violation of our marriage vows than his affair. [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]Basically I am struggling. I am depressed, lonely, and my self-esteem is completely shot. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. Since we are working on saving our marriage, I don't want to tell my friends about this as I don't want it to affect the way they treat us/him. I certainly don't want to tell my family for the same reasons. I know that they would treat him differently. I guess I am just looking for a sympathetic ear, especially from someone who has been in a similar situation and is also trying to save their marriage. Thanks for listening.[/COLOR]
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 but I know they still have email contact, and possibly even phone contact. And I know they saw each other in person during a weekend out of town, though he swears to me that nothing happened. If your marriage has a real chance of being fixed, he MUST end ALL contact with her. No emails, no calls, no seeing her. And, if he DOES happen to 'run' into her, he has to ignore her. He has to be an open book with you, hiding nothing and telling you the truth, even if it hurts. What he is doing now is not earning your trust and faith in him. Additionally, periodically he brings up the fact that I read his journal as if that makes us even. Uhmm, reading a journal vs him having an affair. Is he on drugs? Don't let him turn this around on you! I know what I did was wrong, but I was desperate, I knew that he was having an affair and I could not go on living like we were with him lying to me and letting the affair go on. That was the only way I could think of to force the issue. So I am dealing with my own feelings of guilt because doing that did violate my own values, but to me this still feels like less of a violation of our marriage vows than his affair. I know this, you know this, and so does everyone else reading this - But, your husband has blinders on and isn't ready to face up to his mistakes. Or deal with the consquences of his actions. Do you know if the OM is married? If so, keep in mind that you could tell her spouse that she had an affair with your husband. That is, if he is cheating on you, that's an option. Once an affair is out in the open it's hard to keep the flame going and under wraps. I suggest marriage counselling and also you go to one on one counselling to deal with this pain he's inflicted on you. Good luck and keep posting.
quiet1one1 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Hi Lynna, Sorry to hear about your situation. I know how you feel - it s*cks. I am you in your situation except my W cheated on me. My suspicions started over a year ago and since then I've been absolutely tormented sort-of certain but not with 100% proof. She is my wife of 25 years, I wanted and needed so badly to believe and trust her. I tried SO HARD not to sink to that level. I even started going back to church mostly just to prey for strength and will power. Like you however, I could take no more and like you, I got the proof I needed. [FONT=Helv][sIZE=2][FONT=Verdana]Initially she denied everything but eventually she gave in. She also tried to throw the "invading my privacy" (I read her journal too - among other sneaky things) guilt trip back at me but it flat-out wouldn't stick. ~"Don't you dare!!!"~ Oh, I believe our WSes think it's equally bad but they have absolutely no way of knowing the anguish we've felt always knowing but never KNOWING. Then to have it confirmed? They cannot begin to understand.[/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Helv][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Helv][sIZE=2][FONT=Verdana]Anyway, do not feel guilty or allow him to make you feel guilty for what you've done. It's simple ... you had to know. I understand.[/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Helv][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Helv][sIZE=2][FONT=Verdana]Reconciliation? Wow, that's a whole 'nother issue. Best of luck to you. Remember, this is NOT about you. Please reconsider opening up to a friend or family member. I don't remember if you mentioned individual counseling but please do it. You cannot deal with this alone.[/FONT] [/sIZE][/FONT]
Melissa277 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Your husband equates you reading his journal to his cheating? What a jerk. He's just trying to avoid his guilt by putting it back on you. Don't let him! You have nothing to feel guilty about ... you did what you had to do. Your story sounds a lot like mine and I refuse to feel guilty because my husband cheated. I feel a lot of things, many of which you mentioned, but guilt isn't one of them.
Author Lynna Posted June 8, 2007 Author Posted June 8, 2007 [COLOR=black]Thanks for your replies! Yes, I intend to seek counseling, both for myself and for us together. I have not been able to yet as we are in the middle of moving to another state, so I did not want to get started and then have to start all over again with a new counselor. He got a great new job offer (no he was not looking for one) at the same time as I found out about everything six months ago. The move will help us get a fresh start and remove the chances of them running into each other either purposefully or accidentally.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]But it has also made things harder as for many reasons I could not move at the same time he did. I am moving to be with him this month. We have talked every night, but at the end of one visit is when I discovered she had been in town and he had not told me. I had known they were still in contact with each other, I had thought I was showing trust by letting them remain friends. He had gone so long with no good friends that I did not want to be selfish and insist he cut everything off. But now I realize I was stupid! Even if nothing happened you are right, they need to have no contact. Whichwayisup, you are right, he has blinders on, he does not want to feel guilty about doing what he knows is still wrong.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]Yes, she is married, unhappily apparently. I did initially think about telling her husband, but I don't feel like I can do that. Their problems are their problems. I don't know him. I don't know that I can ruin someone else's life. I don't want to inflict the kind of devastation I feel on someone else. If he can't pick up on the clues that something is wrong in his marriage like I did, then I am sorry for him, but I can't tell him.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]Quietone, I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I know that has to be hard because you were together so long. You are right, neither you nor I should feel guilty! It is my life and my marriage and I have a right to know. I won't let him make me feel guilty over that. Especially since I don't lay guilt trips on him over the affair! We can't move on from this if we keep trying to make the other person feel bad. We can only move on through positive steps and actions.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]Thanks for your comments and advice, being able to talk about this finally really helps! I have been struggling with this on my own for so long it is such a relief to have anyone to talk to![/COLOR]
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