Author Melissa277 Posted June 18, 2007 Author Posted June 18, 2007 Sometimes it's simply because he wanted to bed down someone he finds sexually attractive and nothing more than that. Melissa was saying that she's going crazy trying to figure out why her H did what he did and he keeps saying "I don't KNOW." Sometimes the simplistic - but truthful - reason is simply because he was thinking with his nether-regions. I agree, but again he won't even admit that he found her attractive. He says he was never attracted to her, never loved her and in fact, didn't even really like her and was never unhappy in our marriage. I just wish he would admit SOMETHING ... ANYTHING ... other than he was drunk, she came on to him, he f*cked her, immediately regretted it and then was "trapped" into cheating and lying and betraying for a YEAR. None of it makes any sense and he's not budging. I guess that's why I'm so messed up over this whole thing. Oh BTW, I met her. She was not attractive at all ... maybe if she had been, I would have been at least a little bit suspicous and definitely not as shocked.
Lynna Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 He says he was never attracted to her, never loved her and in fact, didn't even really like her and was never unhappy in our marriage. I just wish he would admit SOMETHING ... ANYTHING ... other than he was drunk, she came on to him, he f*cked her, immediately regretted it and then was "trapped" into cheating and lying and betraying for a YEAR. None of it makes any sense and he's not budging. I guess that's why I'm so messed up over this whole thing. Sounds like he has completely deluded himself. He refuses to take responsibility for his actions. You cannot heal your marriage when he refuses to take any steps to help figure out what was wrong and to heal it. Yes, you have good reason to be upset and messed up about it all.
Author Melissa277 Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 Thanks for your comments everyone. I was out of town for a week because sadly, the 23-year-old son of our good friends was killed in a car accident. Sure puts things into prospective ... We did have a breakthrough ... finally. I printed out an article from our health insurance website on healing a marriage after infidelity and gave it to H. The article stated, among other things, that most WS's don't want to come clean about the A because they think it "spares" the BS more pain, but that this tactic often does more harm than good since the BS assumes that the WS is still hiding things and still not being completely truthful. (That is exactly how I felt.) He read it and immediately said that he has not lied to me once since D-day and that I just refuse to believe that the A happened just as he said it did. I said if that's the case then answer every single question I ask without an "I don't remember" and an "I don't know." He finally did. He also said that he couldn't stand himself when it was going on and that he wanted to tell me many times but he was just so afraid. He said he was actually relieved when everything came out so that he could finally get away from her even if it meant losing his job. I almost felt sorry for him. Here was this big, strong, proud man who is completely broken because of his own stupidity. For the first time, I really believe that he is truly sorry and that it won't ever happen again. I now realize that I cannot continue to mourn our "old" marriage and relationship because they're gone forever and that's what I have been doing. I have been unable to let go of what "was." I felt hurt, anger and resentment 24/7. We are not the same couple as before and it is soooooo sad, but facts are facts and the past cannot be changed. If only people would stop, think and weigh the consequences of their actions BEFORE others get hurt and lives are destroyed. One can only hope ... Melissa
Author Melissa277 Posted June 26, 2007 Author Posted June 26, 2007 Thanks for your comments everyone. I was out of town for a week because sadly, the 23-year-old son of our good friends was killed in a car accident. Sure puts things into prospective ... We did have a breakthrough ... finally. I printed out an article from our health insurance website on healing a marriage after infidelity and gave it to H. The article stated, among other things, that most WS's don't want to come clean about the A because they think it "spares" the BS more pain, but that this tactic often does more harm than good since the BS assumes that the WS is still hiding things and still not being completely truthful. (That is exactly how I felt.) He read it and immediately said that he has not lied to me once since D-day and that I just refuse to believe that the A happened just as he said it did. I said if that's the case then answer every single question I ask without an "I don't remember" and an "I don't know." He finally did. He also said that he couldn't stand himself when it was going on and that he wanted to tell me many times but he was just so afraid. He said he was actually relieved when everything came out so that he could finally get away from her even if it meant losing his job. I almost felt sorry for him. Here was this big, strong, proud man who is completely broken because of his own stupidity. For the first time, I really believe that he is truly sorry and that it won't ever happen again. I now realize that I cannot continue to mourn our "old" marriage and relationship because they're gone forever and that's what I have been doing. I have been unable to let go of what "was." I felt hurt, anger and resentment 24/7. We are not the same couple as before and it is soooooo sad, but facts are facts and the past cannot be changed. If only people would stop, think and weigh the consequences of their actions BEFORE others get hurt and lives are destroyed. One can only hope ... Melissa
dropdeadlegs Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 So you got all your truthful answers! Honestly, I think that's the only way to move on. While I don't know your husband (or you) I do think he could love you the whole time he was in the A. Affairs are not usually about love. I think your husband was probably having his mid-life crisis. The kids were on their own and he needed something to shake things up. If you can truly forgive him (not forget, forgive) I believe you can have a wonderful life together again. I don't see anything wrong with mourning the loss of the "old" marriage", but to continue you have to stop mourning and build the "new" marriage." I wish you nothing but goodness in your new marriage!
Lynna Posted June 27, 2007 Posted June 27, 2007 Sorry to hear about the loss of your friends son. Glad to hear that you and your husband are talking and moving forward. Mourning your old relationship and your old selves is alright, but eventually you do have to move forward from that grief. I hope that you are able to rebuild and be happy again. Remember, they say "that which does not destroy us only makes us stronger." I hope that ultimately your relationship ends up stronger than ever!
Author Melissa277 Posted June 28, 2007 Author Posted June 28, 2007 I know I'll never know the whole truth ... only the two of them will ever know that, but I do feel someone better. My imagination was running amok and our situation had gone from horrible to worse than horrible to critically horrible. But since he finally "came clean" we have actually gone, ah, let's see, six days without a fight. That's a new record since D-day. And, as you say DDL, forgiving but not forgetting ... I told him this and he looked at me as though I'd stuck a knife in the middle of his head (boy wouldn't I love to). I hate that look. I'd like to punch him in the face when he gives me that look. Really, what do they (WS) expect? "Geez, boy oh boy, thank you so much for telling me how you lied and cheated and what you did with someone else. Yeah, let's just forgive and forget, 'kay?" Sometimes they are such morons, no make that most times they are such morons. Let's see ... "that what does not destroy us, only makes us stronger. That what does not destroy us, only makes us stronger. That what does not destroy ... :D"
Author Melissa277 Posted June 28, 2007 Author Posted June 28, 2007 I almost forgot. Thanks everyone for your advice and comments. You all really helped me through a difficult time. Hopefully, I will never be in that place again. EVER.
mountain girl Posted June 28, 2007 Posted June 28, 2007 Sometimes they are such morons, no make that most times they are such morons. "1. She makes me feel good and boosts my ego. 2. She is smart. 3. She is attractive. 4. Yes, I'd pursue her if I weren't married." What a bafoon.
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