Melissa277 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Hey, everyone. I've been lurking here for a while working up the courage to ask your opinion/advice. This is a long, sad story, so please bear with me. We've been married for 24 years, together for 26. We married and had our children when we were very young, but we have always been so happy. We have four daughters, three who are college graduates and all are out on their own. When our youngest was in her senior year of college, my husband was offered a big promotion at work which would take us five hours away from our families, friends, etc. After deciding to accept the promotion, we sold our beautiful home, moved, bought a bigger, more beautiful home and began settling in to our new surroundings. I had worked our whole married life at a job I loved and, unfortunately, had to leave when we moved but did so for him. He was working long hours ... getting up at 3 a.m. and coming home after 7 p.m. I was very unhappy because I was alone all the time, but tried not to be a nag about his hours because he constantly told me how "messed up this place was" and how "it was his responsibility" to straighten it out. I'm sure you can all guess what happened. We had been there one year and one month when my husband came home from work early on a Monday. I saw him get out of an unfamiliar car, not his company car and went downstairs and half kiddingly asked "Did you get fired?" He starts bawling and says "yes." I'm like "Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh my God." Well, he spilled his guts and informed me that he had been having an affair with a woman from work. Needless to say, I packed a bag, threw it in my car and left. He kept begging me to stay and talk but I couldn't. I was shocked and devastated and ended up driving the five hours home to my sister's. To make a long story shorter, we were separated for five months. During the five months, he wouldn't leave me alone. He kept begging me to give him a second chance. He called and emailed me constantly pleading with me to let him make this up to me. We are back together now, but this past year has been nothing short of hell because I don't believe him. He tells me he loves me and that he never stopped loving me, but his story seems to be so strange and full of holes. He says that she initiated the affair from the beginning and the first time it happened they were at a training for work and went out for dinner. He had too much to drink and she came on to him in the elevator at the hotel and they ended up in bed. When he tried to break it off, she hinted that she would tell because he was her boss. She then pursued him constantly and no matter what he said she wouldn't leave him alone. I'm not going to get into the details, but she ended up getting them both fired and then continued to call him for weeks afterward until he finally told her to stop because he wanted me back. He says it was a relief that it was finally out in the open and that he cannot stand the ground she walks on. It's been a year and a half since that day and I am not only struggling to get over his affair, but financially we are ruined. He found another job, but we had to move and have been unable to sell our house. We lost two cars and have had to drain his 401K just to make ends meet. I never in a million years thought I would ever been in this position. I make his life miserable every day and he is still here, but it's all just too much. I feel like he not only ruined our marriage, but he ruined our lives. I thought we loved each other so much. I feel so stupid, so betrayed, so unloved. Help me please LSers. I am losing my mind.
dropdeadlegs Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I don't have much to offer other than my empathy. Your story is heartbreaking. To have gained so much and lost it all so quickly because of a stupid mistake that wasn't even your own. It is so sad. I haven't been cheated on to my knowledge, but I've been in a bad place involving my marriage. Mine couldn't be salvaged and I did go through hell for reasons that weren't my fault, so that part I definitely understand. It didn't financially ruin me, but I suffered the loss of my home, too. Recovering from infidelity has to be the hardest thing, and most forgiving thing, a person can do for someone they love. I'm not sure about what part you don't believe, but I do think that the only way to get past it would be for complete honesty in every way. I understand that you are already financially strapped, but I cannot imagine getting through this without some serious professional help. I'm not even sure I could ever get through it, myself, even with help. There are some here who have been there, though. Thumbing My Way comes to mind. Hopefully he will read your post and respond, he has been posting quite often lately. My thoughts and best wishes are with you!
OpenBook Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Nope, your lives aren't ruined. And you haven't lost everything. You still have each other. It's what you started with. The material stuff doesn't amount to a hill of beans. YOU STILL HAVE EACH OTHER. But you've got to start pulling together, or you will have no chance in hell. Just take it one day at a time. If that's too much, take it one hour at a time. Or one minute at a time. You're going to be all right. You WILL work through this. You've already taken positive steps together - moving away from that horrible situation, he's found another job. You will be able to find another job you love as well. You are both quite capable of landing on your feet, thank you very much. The old relationship you had with each other has passed away... but the new can be so much more magnificent. It's up to both of you now. YOU'RE GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT. Time is your best friend right now. It will help you work through this at your own pace. We're all pulling for you here at LoveShack! ((((Melissa277))))
Author Melissa277 Posted June 8, 2007 Author Posted June 8, 2007 I am sitting here crying as I write this. I try to remember that everyone suffers at one time or another and that there are people a lot worse off than I am, but for the love of God, when will this end? It is so sad that our "old relationship has passed away" because we were so happy. Or were we? I don't even know what's real and what isn't anymore. I question all of my happy memories because I don't know if he was really happy too. He says he was always happy and this was just a "stupid f*&king mistake" but is having an affair a mistake? Bouncing a check is a mistake. Forgetting to pay the phone bill is a mistake. Forgetting your brother's birthday is a mistake. But is having an affair a mistake? Thank you both for your support. I really am trying. I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess I'm just not as strong a person as I thought I was.
silktricks Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I am sitting here crying as I write this. I try to remember that everyone suffers at one time or another and that there are people a lot worse off than I am, but for the love of God, when will this end? It is so sad that our "old relationship has passed away" because we were so happy. Or were we? I don't even know what's real and what isn't anymore. I question all of my happy memories because I don't know if he was really happy too. He says he was always happy and this was just a "stupid f*&king mistake" but is having an affair a mistake? Bouncing a check is a mistake. Forgetting to pay the phone bill is a mistake. Forgetting your brother's birthday is a mistake. But is having an affair a mistake? . First, I feel so bad for you. You've been through the mill. A lot of us here on LS have been through things that are similar, but none of them are identical. Second, your old relationship hasn't passed away, it's merely gotten a pretty bad bout of pneumonia. It can recover, if you want it to. The pain will end when it ends, in the meantime, it is excruciating. I know that you know the material things are really nothing in the grand scheme of things, but the loss is more evidence, if you will, of the bigger loss, your loss of self. Your loss of confidence, of assurance in your husbands love. Your loss of trust. Your loss of identity. The identity of the loved wife of the faithful husband. Now, I want you to sit back and breath deeply. If you can stop crying for a few minutes, do that too . OK?? It takes the betrayed spouse on an average of about 2 years to get over an affair. Unfortunately, you, like OOD (and myself) have experienced more extensive loss in a relatively short period of time. You no longer have your career to provide some sense of self. Your financial self is in ruins, etc. You can expect that your recovery time will be somewhat longer than the usual approx 2 years - BUT you CAN recover. What your husband has told you is probably the truth. You have spent many years with this man. Do you truly believe that you never knew him? Nonsense!! He was probably very happy with you your entire life together, and don't kid yourself, an affair can be (and often is) a ridiculous mistake. But happiness blends into contentment, and contentment can be the death of a man in some ways. They feel they are supposed to be going, doing and conquering, not content. Your husband is probably in his late forties, early fifties. As you read on LS, you'll find that many of the WS (wayward spouses) who say they "made a terrible mistake" (including my own) are in that same approximate age span. They begin to feel their lives are over. They no longer feel they are attractive to women. (Before the A my husband kept saying that he wasn't attractive anymore, I would tell him about all these different women I knew who found him appealing, but until he had that stupid affair, he for some reason couldn't take it in .) What he did was NOT ABOUT YOU. It was about HIM. But tell him to shut the "f" up about your not letting go of it wasting the rest of your lives together. The cheating partner ALWAYS wants it over. He feels really really bad about what he did, and he wants it over for you so he can stop feeling so bad. You'll let go of it as soon as you can. It's not as if it's making you feel GOOD, is it? Be a little careful about LS. Some of the OW who post are really excellent. Others are so caught up in their own situation that they can't believe every situation is not their own. Don't believe that because one WS doesn't let an OW go, that it means your husband is in anyway like that one example. When you're in a lot of pain you tend to grab at any flotsam that floats by. Your situation is your own. You are the ONLY one who knows it, all that any of the rest can do is talk from the basis of our situations. If you can afford therapy, I highly recommend it. But be careful. There are some excellent counsellors out there - there are also some exceedingly bad ones. If you do find a counsellor, be sure to get someone who has life experience as well as education. Often young people who have almost zero experience in life give some fairly crappy advice. Hugs to you. I'm not on LS a lot anymore, but anytime you want to PM me, I'll respond as quickly as I can.
dropdeadlegs Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Melissa, Just a great big cyber hug for you. ((((Melissa277)))) I'm so sorry you are in such pain. I, too, believe that an affair can be a stupid mistake. I agree with everything silktricks says. It will stop hurting so much, well, when it does. Until then cry when you need to, but be careful that you haven't fallen into a moderate to severe degree of depression because depression is serious. It can manifest itself in physical ways, too. Please seek outside assistance if you feel you need to. You have suffered quite a bit of loss, as addressed by silktricks. It's okay to grieve about that. I wish I could dry your tears!
LakesideDream Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 Flip genders and our experiances are much alike. My marriage did not survive. I am truely sorry for what you are going through. The pain is real. I can tell you with complete honesty and total certainty that being shot is much less physically painfull than hearing that your SO is/was having a affair. As a bonus it's a pain that never goes away completely. Like all things it dulls with time, but the smallest thing can bring it back as strong as ever. I paused while typing to say a "lil prayer" for you. With some luck, you will survive your troubles, and be happy again.
Lizzie60 Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 I am sitting here crying as I write this. I try to remember that everyone suffers at one time or another and that there are people a lot worse off than I am, but for the love of God, when will this end? It is so sad that our "old relationship has passed away" because we were so happy. Or were we? I don't even know what's real and what isn't anymore. I question all of my happy memories because I don't know if he was really happy too. He says he was always happy and this was just a "stupid f*&king mistake" but is having an affair a mistake? Bouncing a check is a mistake. Forgetting to pay the phone bill is a mistake. Forgetting your brother's birthday is a mistake. But is having an affair a mistake? Thank you both for your support. I really am trying. I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess I'm just not as strong a person as I thought I was. when he said : He says he was always happy and this was just a "stupid f*&king mistake" but is having an affair a mistake? It was... trust me it was a big mistake... I am an OW...and I know that MM do love their wives more than the OW most of the time... then why do they cheat? there are sooo many reasons... but it sure isn't because they don't love their wife... I would say that MOST men who cheat are happy at home and do love their wife... sometimes it's 'being at the wrong place at the wrong time' like your husband... I don't know what happened that he started this affair...but I would bet my life, that, in your case, it wasn't because he didn't love you. If you want to have the happy life you once had, you have to forgive him (I know it's easier said than done), ask all the questions you need to ask now... then do not ever talk about it again... leave that behind... otherwise you will never find peace and will never be happy again. You have to learn to trust him again... that's the hardest part. Good luck!
Author Melissa277 Posted June 9, 2007 Author Posted June 9, 2007 Flip genders and our experiances are much alike. My marriage did not survive. I am truely sorry for what you are going through. The pain is real. I can tell you with complete honesty and total certainty that being shot is much less physically painfull than hearing that your SO is/was having a affair. As a bonus it's a pain that never goes away completely. Like all things it dulls with time, but the smallest thing can bring it back as strong as ever. I paused while typing to say a "lil prayer" for you. With some luck, you will survive your troubles, and be happy again. I am so sorry that my "story" has brought up old pain for you. Did your marriage not survive because you couldn't forgive? I guess my "problem" for lack of a better word is that he refuses to tell me why. He uses alcohol as the reason it happened the first time, but does alcohol really make people do things they wouldn't otherwise do? I'm no angel, I've been drunk before but I've never done anything I would regret in the morning (other than get a few "beer muscles" and run my mouth). And I've had plenty of men hit on me, and I did find it flattering, but I also always weighed the consequences. Do I want to lose my husband and family because I felt flattered? Hell no. After asking him for the one millionth time why he did it, he yelled "she came on to me and I f*cked her, okay?" Maybe I'm naive, but are married men this easily manipulated? Makes me wonder how many other times its happened. Thanks to you all for your kind words of support. I do feel better ... really, I do.
Seen_It_All Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 Being brutally honest, I don't believe for a second that this whole thing was all the OW's fault, and this poor, innocent guy was led by his nose into the affair. But it sure takes the blame off HIS shoulders by telling you that though, doesn't it? His story is ALL about damage control, trying to minimize his guilt in the affair by making her the aggressor - it's human nature and self preservation to do that. Pretty much all married men say that, it's nothing new to hear. And occasionally they're actually telling the truth, but the majority of the time, it's not the way it happened. I work for a mid-size company and can't even tell you how many married men have slobbered on me and made inappropriate suggestions or comments indicating they'd like to get together with me. It has nothing to do with how happy or unhappy they are at home - that's not the point. Affairs aren't always about an unhappy marriage, as Lizzie said (and she's 100% correct). Sometimes it's simply all about the excitement of persuing - and conquering - a woman they find sexually attractive. Nothing MORE, nothing less. And yes, it sucks ROYALLY to know that alot of men let their genitals do their thinking FOR them - but they DO. It's an ego rush for them to have some woman looking at them like they're a super hero. It's an ego rush to have some woman acting as though they're the greatest lover the WORLD has ever known. The "secret" and "taboo" element of the entire THING is exciting and heady for them. That doesn't make it RIGHT and it doesn't justify it. But that's what drives ALOT of them. You keep asking your husband WHY he did it and he keeps saying, "I don't know...but it was ALL her fault!" Since he doesn't use the usuall excuses alot of them use - "you ignore me," or "we don't have sex anymore," then one can only assume it was for the excitement factor and nothing more. You keep wanting him to point out a fault in the marriage, or a fault of yours so you can understand why he did what he did. I understand where you're coming from, I honestly do. But his affair was NOT your fault and it WASN'T about you. It was about HIM being a jack-ass and letting his genitals think FOR him, plain and simple. He got caught up in the elicit excitement and the ego strokes, period. Sometimes these things don't require in-depth analysis because the simple truth can be summed up as no more than succumbing to temptation. His excuse of 'alcohol' being the culprit is pathetic and just another garbage can excuse that means nothing. I think he was incredibly STUPID for bringing about your financial ruin as WELL as the near-destruction of your marriage - all for something as astronomically ignorant and ultimately worthless as an affair. He gets to live with that for the rest of his life and at least HOPEFULLY see it as a learning experience. You, unfortunately, get to experience it right along with him, even though you did nothing to cause it. And it sucks royally, I truly feel for you.
mountain girl Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 I am sitting here crying as I write this. I try to remember that everyone suffers at one time or another and that there are people a lot worse off than I am, but for the love of God, when will this end? It is so sad that our "old relationship has passed away" because we were so happy. Or were we? I don't even know what's real and what isn't anymore. I question all of my happy memories because I don't know if he was really happy too. He says he was always happy and this was just a "stupid f*&king mistake" but is having an affair a mistake? Bouncing a check is a mistake. Forgetting to pay the phone bill is a mistake. Forgetting your brother's birthday is a mistake. But is having an affair a mistake? Thank you both for your support. I really am trying. I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess I'm just not as strong a person as I thought I was. Just this little post brings tears to my eyes. The realization that this so-called little mistake has caused your marriage to turn down a different highway and what was is no longer.. is such a knife in the soul. You followed your husband because you loved him and supported him and respected him...I have done the same. We are now in a place where I (and I thought we) am content and enjoyed every day coming home to our little life. Like every day was a vacation, if you will. Now going to work is the vacation and coming home is sometimes hell.
Mr. Lucky Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 Pretty much all married men say that, it's nothing new to hear. And occasionally they're actually telling the truth, but the majority of the time, it's not the way it happened. I work for a mid-size company and can't even tell you how many married men have slobbered on me and made inappropriate suggestions or comments indicating they'd like to get together with me. It has nothing to do with how happy or unhappy they are at home - that's not the point. Affairs aren't always about an unhappy marriage, as Lizzie said (and she's 100% correct). Sometimes it's simply all about the excitement of persuing - and conquering - a woman they find sexually attractive. Nothing MORE, nothing less. And yes, it sucks ROYALLY to know that alot of men let their genitals do their thinking FOR them - but they DO. It's an ego rush for them to have some woman looking at them like they're a super hero. It's an ego rush to have some woman acting as though they're the greatest lover the WORLD has ever known. You know, I was under the impression that all these "slobbering" married men were cheating with a partner. Typically a female and oftentimes a married female partner. So if that makes him "a jack-ass and letting his genitals think FOR him", what description do you have for the other half of the tango (as in "it takes two") couple? Mr. Lucky
Author Melissa277 Posted June 10, 2007 Author Posted June 10, 2007 You know, I was under the impression that all these "slobbering" married men were cheating with a partner. Typically a female and oftentimes a married female partner. So if that makes him "a jack-ass and letting his genitals think FOR him", what description do you have for the other half of the tango (as in "it takes two") couple? Mr. Lucky Oh, I don't know ... a whore? A homewrecker? A loosey goosey? Ummm, oh yeah, a loser?
Curmudgeon Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 I never in a million years thought I would ever been in this position. I make his life miserable every day and he is still here, but it's all just too much. I feel like he not only ruined our marriage, but he ruined our lives. I thought we loved each other so much. I feel so stupid, so betrayed, so unloved. Help me please LSers. I am losing my mind. None of us ever feels we'll be in a position like that but it simply happens from time-to-time. Making his life miserable every day only serves to keep things unpleasant and you're miserable in turn. You're keeping the negativity alive and kicking rather than kicking it to the curb and moving ahead with your life. If you really intend to stay in this marriage that has to stop and the two of you much work together to repair and strengthen it. He only ruined the marriage if you and he permit it to be ruined. Otherwise he gravely wounded it but it can heal if allowed. My guess is that you do love one another. That's why you're both still there and still together. That speaks volumes. Either you're both afraid of the unknown or you still have a real bond. You weren't stupid but you were betrayed. I also don't think you were unloved. He was weak and allowed himself to get caught up in a situation that got out of hand and cost everyone dearly. So what to do? My guess is that you're late-40s, very early 50s. There's plenty of time to rebuild. I was divorced at 50 after a 25-year marriage went south, partially due to the ex's infidelity. I lost everything including half my government retirement funds at the time. I paid spousal support for three years and child support for 11 to the aggragate tune of almost a quarter of a million dollars. Now, at 60, I am better off financially than I ever have been in my life, more successful in my profession and will be retiring in three years at 100% of current household net income. My wife (I remarried) and I will have a very comfortable, worry-free retirement and that's all I have ever aspired to. If I can do it, the two of you can as well. Rebuild the 401(k) (I've done so along with money market funds and savings) and in the end, you may have less than you might have but more than enough for your future needs. It can be done. So back to the original premise. Do you plan to stay in the marriage. If so it's past time you two began to work together rather than at cross purposes.
mopar crazy Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 ((((Melissa))) I am so very sorry. I hope that things for you and your WH get better. I don't think it's the end, only a new beginning, at least that is what I try to think of my situation and WH A. The xOW got my H fired from a job he loved. He was making much better income than all the 11 years we had been together. Things were finally looking up for us in the financial area. I was a SAHM and ran a small daycare out of our home. Then BAM! Less than six months into his new job he decides to have an A w/ a co-worker that had pursued him for 3 years. Our M wasn't happy, like yours, but H only had himself to blame for that. He was never home. Always out playing sports, or out drinking w/ his friends leaving me home to raise our two young children. I hated him for it. We fought all the time about him being gone and the $ he spent on sports and beer. He did quit drinking after I threatened to leave but then six months later he started the A. He said he wanted a D and filed but in the mean time he said he thought he made a mistake about the D and maybe we could try working on the M. Only problem was, he was still seeing the OW. So I moved almost 2 hours away to be family. The A was short lived when he realized it wasn't greener on the other side. He wanted to work on the M, broke it off w/ the OW, and we reconciled. We were still separated at the time. The xOW always thought that my H was trying to get her fired. One day at work a group of them were in the office H shared w/ other male co-workers. She made a comment about H and he grabbed her around the waist. STUPID OF HIM! She turned him into the HR dept for sexual harassment! They called him into the office so he could share his side. He admitted to their A and that he ended it and he thought it was her way of getting back at him. H even hired a lawyer. The lawyer stated he felt it was just horseplay and not sexual harassment. This skank has done much worse than grabbing someone around the waist. She has ran her hands up and down H's boss's leg, she has grabbed other male co-workers crotches, but they never, ever turned her in. IMO, they both should have been fired. I refused to move back to the town where we lived. No way in hell! I was happy where I was and had/have a job I loved. He moved in w/ me shortly after he got fired and got another job. He had to start at the bottom again and work his way back up. We sold our home and didn't get much out of it b/c he was never home to do any maintenance or updating to it. I did what I could myself. The A has somehow made a positive change in my life. Can't say in his, but it has mine. I have more friends, love my job, not stuck at home all the time b/c I have family to visit (they have children my own children's age). I hated my DC business (not b/c of the kids, but the parents), and love my current job. I'm living in the country again and loving it! Even though an A is the worst pain I pray that something positive comes out of it like it did for me. I hope that your H realizes what he could of lost and tries his best to show how much he loves you and how sorry he is. I don't believe an A is a mistake either. He chose to have an A, just like my H did. They were thinking w/ the wrong head at the time.
Mr. Lucky Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 So back to the original premise. Do you plan to stay in the marriage. If so it's past time you two began to work together rather than at cross purposes. I agree 100%. Look at it this way - your choices are going to fall in to one of four categories: 1). Forgive your Husband and then leave him. 2). Don't forgive your Husband and leave him. 3). Forgive your Husband and stay with him. 4). Don't forgive your Husband and stay with him. Of the above choices, #4 would be my LAST pick. It assures a lifetime of pain, anger, bitterness and recriminations and robs you of the ability to move on with your life (or lives together ). I'd choose Door #1, #2 or #3 instead... Mr. Lucky
Author Melissa277 Posted June 10, 2007 Author Posted June 10, 2007 None of us ever feels we'll be in a position like that but it simply happens from time-to-time. Making his life miserable every day only serves to keep things unpleasant and you're miserable in turn. You're keeping the negativity alive and kicking rather than kicking it to the curb and moving ahead with your life. If you really intend to stay in this marriage that has to stop and the two of you much work together to repair and strengthen it. He only ruined the marriage if you and he permit it to be ruined. Otherwise he gravely wounded it but it can heal if allowed. My guess is that you do love one another. That's why you're both still there and still together. That speaks volumes. Either you're both afraid of the unknown or you still have a real bond. You weren't stupid but you were betrayed. I also don't think you were unloved. He was weak and allowed himself to get caught up in a situation that got out of hand and cost everyone dearly. So what to do? My guess is that you're late-40s, very early 50s. There's plenty of time to rebuild. I was divorced at 50 after a 25-year marriage went south, partially due to the ex's infidelity. I lost everything including half my government retirement funds at the time. I paid spousal support for three years and child support for 11 to the aggragate tune of almost a quarter of a million dollars. Now, at 60, I am better off financially than I ever have been in my life, more successful in my profession and will be retiring in three years at 100% of current household net income. My wife (I remarried) and I will have a very comfortable, worry-free retirement and that's all I have ever aspired to. If I can do it, the two of you can as well. Rebuild the 401(k) (I've done so along with money market funds and savings) and in the end, you may have less than you might have but more than enough for your future needs. It can be done. So back to the original premise. Do you plan to stay in the marriage. If so it's past time you two began to work together rather than at cross purposes. Thank you for your insightful comments Curmudgeon. You make some very good points ... and I do still love him. I just don't like him very much right now. He says he still loves me and never stopped, but is someone who lied, cheated and betrayed to be believed? He told me he loved me the whole time he was having an affair, which, by the way, went on for eleven months despite his claims he never wanted it and tried to get it out it. Yeah, right! It probably would still be going on if she/they hadn't been so stupid. Now, I'm suppose to believe everything he says? He is, as I have found out the hard way, a very convincing liar. I am afraid. There I said it. Now everyone can jump all over me about what a wimp I am, how I'm giving women a bad name and blah, blah, blah. (Boy, what fodder for the OW forum!) I'm not afraid of being alone, well maybe a little, but what I'm most afraid of is being without him (if that makes any sense at all) and of starting over financially. I trusted this man who has been part of my life for twenty-six years and half of what we now don't have was mine! I never in my wildest nightmares thought this would happen to us, but it did because he took full advantage of that trust. Now, I have nowhere to go and no money. Remember, I gave up my job to follow him to his "dream job." And because of HIS choice (I refuse to call it a mistake, like he does) to have an affair (which began only three months after I had joined him I might add) and getting fired because of it, our joint bank accounts are empty, his 401K is gone, our joint credit cards are pretty much maxed out and we still haven't sold that g*d d&mn house. We've now lowered the price again and if we are lucky enough to sell it, we are going to lose a ton of money (half of which was mine). I guess you're going to ask me why I haven't been working throughout this mess and I probably should have mentioned this before but there is just so much to this whole saga. After being fired, he had to find another job ... anywhere. So he accepted a position thirteen hours away from the town where we had moved to and where he made his "choice." I moved to be with him three months later, but that was after being alone for those three months trying to sell our house. We were at the new town for six months, when he was offered another position in another state and accepted it and moved again. I was left alone again, this time for six months because we had signed a year lease and they wouldn't let us out of it and we couldn't afford to buy it out. So, he left and I stayed ... again. He had to get a tiny, cheap apartment so now we're paying for three places. We have only been here (where we live now) for three months, but we're still paying for two places. So if you add that all up, that's three major moves in less than two years. And every single day, some new financial crisis comes up to remind me about how f*cking stupid he was and how he threw away everything that WE had worked most of our lives for for a piece of *ss (his words, not mine). All that is just the tip of the financial iceberg ... in addition to all the moving expenses, an enormous tax bill to three different states, etc. etc. etc. we also had to buy a new vehicle because he no longer has a company car and he had to have a vehicle. To do this we had to trade in our sports car that we had saved for and had enjoyed so much AND he is now making about $30,000.00 less a year. Oh, and I almost forgot, we just found out that our credit's in the tank ... found that out when we got car insurance in our new state. We have to pay more because they said our credit rating went down ... something about too many bank accounts open for too short a time, too many credit checks and a bunch of other bologna that stems from all these moves/job changes. I've always taken care of the bills and we've never made a late payment in our lives and still our credit's ruined. So actually, now that I think about it, I've been a pretty good sport about this whole thing. Looking back I wish I would have divorced him when the whole sordid mess went down, but unfortunately, I let too many people (our kids, my sister, his mother) influence me and I ended up giving him his one and only second chance. I certainly would have been better off financially if I had divorced him then. I should have listened to my brothers:). They wanted me to dump his ass immediately, but of course, hindsight is always 20/20. I appreciate your comments and those of everyone who took the time to tell me their stories and give me their advice. I really do. That's why I came here ... because I'm so alone and need to talk to those who have been through all this sh*t. I'm not looking for sympathy. I know there are many people in this world who have problems just like mine or in some case, much, much worse. I just don't want to feel crazy anymore. I never said I was perfect, far from it but it hurts so much that I thought we had this great marriage only to find out it was all a sham. This year and a half has been pure hell for me and he acts like it's nothing, no big deal. I think he is a coward because I've asked him a million times ... why, why, why? And all he will say is "I was a stupid f*ck." Well that doesn't help me much, I already know that. I guess that's what bothers me the most is the fact that he is still blames OW for everything. I mean, I hate her freakin' guts, but I'm smart enough to know that it wasn't ALL her fault. He certainly didn't trip and fall into her vagina. If the bleeding ever stops, maybe, just maybe, things will work out. To be honest, I don't know at this point. But what I do know is I just would like to go one day without finding out we owe X amount of dollars to this or that because HE messed up and I would like him to have a little empathy for me. But if he does that, he'll have to own up to his own demons and he will never, ever do that. In the beginning I had every intention of forgiving him and staying in the marriage and believe me, I have tried. It's just that the infidelity gods or whatever are making it sooooooooooo damn hard. I'm not keeping the negativity alive, it just won't die no matter what I do. Does any of this make any sense at all? Your story does give me hope, however. I'm glad that you were able to find happiness with your new wife and put your financial self back together. I do have two questions for you though. Why did you have to pay spousal support if your XW cheated? And do you really have eleven children? Wow, I didn't realize how long this was. Sorry. Melissa
Mr. Lucky Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 I mean, I hate her freakin' guts, but I'm smart enough to know that it wasn't ALL her fault. He certainly didn't trip and fall into her vagina. OK, now that made me laugh Sadly, the elements of your story are fairly common here at LS. I went in a 3-day period from feeling that I had a pretty good marriage to (Day 1) a friend telling me he saw my wife in a club when she told me she was at a meeting, (Day 2) my wife came home and told me she'd been mugged (a lie, the OM hit her when she threatened to tell his wife) and (Day 3) the OM's wife called me and told me the whole story. Monday morning, I'm happily married and Thursday afternoon, I'm feeling like the whole world has caved in on me. Even though it was almost 25 years ago, I still remember that "stranger in a strange land" feeling of being torn loose from every thing that had secured me. I feel for your situation. To me, everything hangs on a decision (best made with the help of a counselor or therapist) as to whether or not you can get past this and forgive your husband. If the answer is truly that you can't, all this moving around is just delaying the inevitable end of your marriage. You have some decisions to make; I wouldn't put them off much longer... Mr. Lucky
Curmudgeon Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 I do have two questions for you though. Why did you have to pay spousal support if your XW cheated? And do you really have eleven children? I paid child support for 11 years, not for 11 children. I have five children but only two were still at home at the time of the divorce. The other three were adults. As for the spousal support, this is a no-fault state so her infidelity didn't matter to the court. Spousal support was apropriate because with all those children she'd been a stay-at-home mom and had no employment experience. Looking back, I only paid SS for two years, not three. That's how long it took for the divorce to become final because she dragged her feet and turned everything into a huge fight. Thankfully, she married her boyfriend (already had him living with her and my daughters) before the ink was dry on the final divorce order and that ended spousal support for all time. I'm a great believer in Karma, Melissa. I've already related my contentment with my life. The ex's boyfriend/husband was killed in a car accident a bit over three years after she married him. She burned through all the money she got from the divorce and his death and had to take a nothing job working at night to support herself after I got custody of our youngest daughter away from her and ended child support. Now she's living with and dependent upon our youngest son and his wife for support. The other four children shun her and want little or nothing to do with her. Meanwhile, my wife and I have lovely relationships with all the children and all my grandchildren. You've had a tough go of it, Melissa, and it doesn't sound like it's over yet. I hope things improve and your husband gets his head out of rectal defilade. He has a lot of bridges to rebuild and you deserve a lot of acknowledgement and support.
Author Melissa277 Posted June 11, 2007 Author Posted June 11, 2007 I paid child support for 11 years, not for 11 children. I have five children but only two were still at home at the time of the divorce. The other three were adults. LOL! Sorry, I thought, man this guy must be fertile as all hell. Every time he walks by a woman, she gets pregnant. I'm a great believer in Karma, Melissa. I've already related my contentment with my life. The ex's boyfriend/husband was killed in a car accident a bit over three years after she married him. She burned through all the money she got from the divorce and his death and had to take a nothing job working at night to support herself after I got custody of our youngest daughter away from her and ended child support. Now she's living with and dependent upon our youngest son and his wife for support. The other four children shun her and want little or nothing to do with her. Meanwhile, my wife and I have lovely relationships with all the children and all my grandchildren. Jesus. I almost feel sorry for her. You've had a tough go of it, Melissa, and it doesn't sound like it's over yet. I hope things improve and your husband gets his head out of rectal defilade. He has a lot of bridges to rebuild and you deserve a lot of acknowledgement and support. Thanx. I appreciate that!
Author Melissa277 Posted June 11, 2007 Author Posted June 11, 2007 Oops. My bad Curmudgeon. I messed up the "quotes" part.
mountain girl Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 It's just that the infidelity gods or whatever are making it sooooooooooo damn hard. I'm not keeping the negativity alive, it just won't die no matter what I do. Does any of this make any sense at all? First of all, you are a great writer. The whole "trip and fall" bit had me in hysterics. And I can totally relate to the quote above and the "stranger in a strange land" description...or fog...or feeling like I surely must have brain tumor because my head hurts all the time (knowing full well it is just tension). And my H has only broken my heart with an EA...for the second time, however. Hopefully your outlet and discoveries here on LS will bring about the best choices for you...
Darth Vader Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 I paid child support for 11 years, not for 11 children. I have five children but only two were still at home at the time of the divorce. The other three were adults. As for the spousal support, this is a no-fault state so her infidelity didn't matter to the court. Spousal support was apropriate because with all those children she'd been a stay-at-home mom and had no employment experience. Looking back, I only paid SS for two years, not three. That's how long it took for the divorce to become final because she dragged her feet and turned everything into a huge fight. Thankfully, she married her boyfriend (already had him living with her and my daughters) before the ink was dry on the final divorce order and that ended spousal support for all time. I'm a great believer in Karma, Melissa. I've already related my contentment with my life. The ex's boyfriend/husband was killed in a car accident a bit over three years after she married him. She burned through all the money she got from the divorce and his death and had to take a nothing job working at night to support herself after I got custody of our youngest daughter away from her and ended child support. Now she's living with and dependent upon our youngest son and his wife for support. The other four children shun her and want little or nothing to do with her. Meanwhile, my wife and I have lovely relationships with all the children and all my grandchildren. You've had a tough go of it, Melissa, and it doesn't sound like it's over yet. I hope things improve and your husband gets his head out of rectal defilade. He has a lot of bridges to rebuild and you deserve a lot of acknowledgement and support. As they say, paybacks a, well you know what I mean, and you didn't even have to do anything to her. Melissa, was the OW married? If she was, did her husband find out about what happened? Quite a retorical question, but, you know cheaters, they lie all the time. Your husband had an A for 11 months? That tells you right there that he was more into the affair than he lets on, and two, probably had as much to do with it as she did, if not more, makes you think, huh?
Author Melissa277 Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 Melissa, was the OW married? If she was, did her husband find out about what happened? Quite a retorical question, but, you know cheaters, they lie all the time. Your husband had an A for 11 months? That tells you right there that he was more into the affair than he lets on, and two, probably had as much to do with it as she did, if not more, makes you think, huh? No, the skank was divorced, but who would know for sure? As for H, I wouldn't believe him if I was standing in a foot of water and he told me my feet were wet. His side of the sordid story is that he got drunk at a company training, she came on to him (in the hotel elevator, no less), they ended up doing the nasty and then she wouldn't leave him alone. He "claims" he never wanted anything to do with her, but he was her boss and he was afraid she would tell. So, she took a piece of string and tied it around his %ick, pulled it hard and made him screw her for a year. I'm sure that's happened to lots of men out there. And if it hasn't apparently you're all missing out on quite an experience. Sorry, I added that last part to the story. LOL. But seriously, he "claims" (I love that word) that he tried to end it a million times, but he was afraid and she just wouldn't let go. Who knows? But in the end, she got them both fired.
Author Melissa277 Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 ((((Melissa))) I am so very sorry. I hope that things for you and your WH get better. I don't think it's the end, only a new beginning, at least that is what I try to think of my situation and WH A. The xOW got my H fired from a job he loved. He was making much better income than all the 11 years we had been together. Things were finally looking up for us in the financial area. I was a SAHM and ran a small daycare out of our home. Then BAM! Less than six months into his new job he decides to have an A w/ a co-worker that had pursued him for 3 years. Our M wasn't happy, like yours, but H only had himself to blame for that. He was never home. Always out playing sports, or out drinking w/ his friends leaving me home to raise our two young children. I hated him for it. We fought all the time about him being gone and the $ he spent on sports and beer. He did quit drinking after I threatened to leave but then six months later he started the A. He said he wanted a D and filed but in the mean time he said he thought he made a mistake about the D and maybe we could try working on the M. Only problem was, he was still seeing the OW. So I moved almost 2 hours away to be family. The A was short lived when he realized it wasn't greener on the other side. He wanted to work on the M, broke it off w/ the OW, and we reconciled. We were still separated at the time. The xOW always thought that my H was trying to get her fired. One day at work a group of them were in the office H shared w/ other male co-workers. She made a comment about H and he grabbed her around the waist. STUPID OF HIM! She turned him into the HR dept for sexual harassment! They called him into the office so he could share his side. He admitted to their A and that he ended it and he thought it was her way of getting back at him. H even hired a lawyer. The lawyer stated he felt it was just horseplay and not sexual harassment. This skank has done much worse than grabbing someone around the waist. She has ran her hands up and down H's boss's leg, she has grabbed other male co-workers crotches, but they never, ever turned her in. IMO, they both should have been fired. I refused to move back to the town where we lived. No way in hell! I was happy where I was and had/have a job I loved. He moved in w/ me shortly after he got fired and got another job. He had to start at the bottom again and work his way back up. We sold our home and didn't get much out of it b/c he was never home to do any maintenance or updating to it. I did what I could myself. The A has somehow made a positive change in my life. Can't say in his, but it has mine. I have more friends, love my job, not stuck at home all the time b/c I have family to visit (they have children my own children's age). I hated my DC business (not b/c of the kids, but the parents), and love my current job. I'm living in the country again and loving it! Even though an A is the worst pain I pray that something positive comes out of it like it did for me. I hope that your H realizes what he could of lost and tries his best to show how much he loves you and how sorry he is. I don't believe an A is a mistake either. He chose to have an A, just like my H did. They were thinking w/ the wrong head at the time. Geez, mopar, I don't know how I missed this post, but I'm sure glad I read it. Your story sounds as messed up as mine. I would so love to be happy again, like you are. I hope that time comes around ... soon. My life is such a mess right now, I just don't know where to even begin.
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