Melissa277 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Hey, everyone. I've been lurking here for a while working up the courage to ask your opinion/advice. This is a long, sad story, so please bear with me. We've been married for 24 years, together for 26. We married and had our children when we were very young, but we have always been so happy. We have four daughters, three who are college graduates and all are out on their own. When our youngest was in her senior year of college, my husband was offered a big promotion at work which would take us five hours away from our families, friends, etc. After deciding to accept the promotion, we sold our beautiful home, moved, bought a bigger, more beautiful home and began settling in to our new surroundings. I had worked our whole married life at a job I loved and, unfortunately, had to leave when we moved but did so for him. He was working long hours ... getting up at 3 a.m. and coming home after 7 p.m. I was very unhappy because I was alone all the time, but tried not to be a nag about his hours because he constantly told me how "messed up this place was" and how "it was his responsibility" to straighten it out. I'm sure you can all guess what happened. We had been there one year and one month when my husband came home from work early on a Monday. I saw him get out of an unfamiliar car, not his company car and went downstairs and half kiddingly asked "Did you get fired?" He starts bawling and says "yes." I'm like "Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh my God." Well, he spilled his guts and informed me that he had been having an affair with a woman from work. Needless to say, I packed a bag, threw it in my car and left. He kept begging me to stay and talk but I couldn't. I was shocked and devastated and ended up driving the five hours home to my sister's. To make a long story shorter, we were separated for five months. During the five months, he wouldn't leave me alone. He kept begging me to give him a second chance. He called and emailed me constantly pleading with me to let him make this up to me. We are back together now, but this past year has been nothing short of hell because I don't believe him. His story seems to be so strange and full of holes. He says that she initiated the affair from the beginning and the first time it happened they were at a training for work and went out for dinner. He had too much to drink and she came on to him in the elevator at the hotel and they ended up in bed. When he tried to break it off, she hinted that she would tell because he was her boss. She then pursued him constantly and no matter what he said she wouldn't leave him alone. I'm not going to get into the details, but she ended up getting them both fired and continued to call him until he finally told her to stop because he wanted me back. It's been a year and a half since that day and I am not only struggling to get over his affair, but financially we are ruined. He found another job, but we had to move and have been unable to sell our house. We lost two cars and have had to drain his 401K just to make ends meet. I never in a million years thought I would ever been in this position. I make his life miserable every day and he is still here, but it's all just too much. I feel like he not only ruined our marriage, but he ruined our lives. I thought we loved each other so much. I feel so stupid, so betrayed, so unloved. Help me please LSers. I am losing my mind.
Mr. Lucky Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Wow, what a story. You're going to get a lot of chiches for answers -"hang in there, it's always darkest, forgive and forget" etc., etc., etc. The question that occurs to me is, within the realm of possibility (as opposed to turning back time), simply what do you want for the two of you as things stand now? Counseling to improve your obviously strained relationship? Second jobs for both of you to get back on your feet financially? Move back home to reconnect with friends and family? Sitting down and making a realistic wishlist might help you feel less victimized by events and less angry at your WS (both deservedly so!). You're still young and are going to have to move on with your life, so (a year and a half later) it might be time to think about how that is going to happen... Mr. Lucky
outofdarkness Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Hey, everyone. I've been lurking here for a while working up the courage to ask your opinion/advice. This is a long, sad story, so please bear with me. We've been married for 24 years, together for 26. We married and had our children when we were very young, but we have always been so happy. We have four daughters, three who are college graduates and all are out on their own. When our youngest was in her senior year of college, my husband was offered a big promotion at work which would take us five hours away from our families, friends, etc. After deciding to accept the promotion, we sold our beautiful home, moved, bought a bigger, more beautiful home and began settling in to our new surroundings. I had worked our whole married life at a job I loved and, unfortunately, had to leave when we moved but did so for him. He was working long hours ... getting up at 3 a.m. and coming home after 7 p.m. I was very unhappy because I was alone all the time, but tried not to be a nag about his hours because he constantly told me how "messed up this place was" and how "it was his responsibility" to straighten it out. I'm sure you can all guess what happened. We had been there one year and one month when my husband came home from work early on a Monday. I saw him get out of an unfamiliar car, not his company car and went downstairs and half kiddingly asked "Did you get fired?" He starts bawling and says "yes." I'm like "Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh my God." Well, he spilled his guts and informed me that he had been having an affair with a woman from work. Needless to say, I packed a bag, threw it in my car and left. He kept begging me to stay and talk but I couldn't. I was shocked and devastated and ended up driving the five hours home to my sister's. To make a long story shorter, we were separated for five months. During the five months, he wouldn't leave me alone. He kept begging me to give him a second chance. He called and emailed me constantly pleading with me to let him make this up to me. We are back together now, but this past year has been nothing short of hell because I don't believe him. His story seems to be so strange and full of holes. He says that she initiated the affair from the beginning and the first time it happened they were at a training for work and went out for dinner. He had too much to drink and she came on to him in the elevator at the hotel and they ended up in bed. When he tried to break it off, she hinted that she would tell because he was her boss. She then pursued him constantly and no matter what he said she wouldn't leave him alone. I'm not going to get into the details, but she ended up getting them both fired and continued to call him until he finally told her to stop because he wanted me back. It's been a year and a half since that day and I am not only struggling to get over his affair, but financially we are ruined. He found another job, but we had to move and have been unable to sell our house. We lost two cars and have had to drain his 401K just to make ends meet. I never in a million years thought I would ever been in this position. I make his life miserable every day and he is still here, but it's all just too much. I feel like he not only ruined our marriage, but he ruined our lives. I thought we loved each other so much. I feel so stupid, so betrayed, so unloved. Help me please LSers. I am losing my mind. Welcome to the forum! Your story sounds almost identical to mine, except that my H is a serial cheater...more then one, but one main OW who is the one that wrote me the letter that sparked the big D day...The day I found out about everything..We too, lost almost everything. We too, had to move..Not out of state, but to a new city close to the old one. He took a job that was low paying compared to the one that he left, we drained his 401k and had to start from scratch. Our child became ill, I became ill, my H had to go to treatment twice which didn't help the financial problem, and our kids were asked to leave the only school that they had ever known due to an A that my H had with the spouse of the head of the board of trustees...They were devastated, as we all were, and have spent three years in intensive therapy trying to rebuild our lives. It's gut wrenching, painful, and really tough to learn to trust; in my opinion, ANYONE for a long time...I STILL don't completely trust my H..Red flags do show themselves every so often, and I just try to use LS and the tools that I've gained through MC and IC to deal with them...This is not easy b/c I always want to get angry and hurt him back..This only makes things worst and IMO ends up actually feeding his addiction...THAT is what I call serial cheaters, or at least some of them; addicts. Take heed, it does get better w/ much time, effort and professional help...Patience is key, and it's really hard to have much of it when you're so angry about being treated so abusively, and yes, I do believe that cheaters act in a abusive manner towards their families. A's wreck entire families and the repercussions are far reaching and can take years to heal from. I'm not trying to make you feel any worst, just sharing my experience in hopes that you might not feel so alone..I just assume that someone who's been through this feels somewhat alone. As I said on my recent thread about serial cheaters, and I do not know that your H is...We don't get much support b/c people just don't understand why we stay w/ our spouses and become sometimes frustrated and outdone w/ our reasons. There is, imo, sort of a stigma attached to it when the Betrayed person, whether it's a W, H or SO, decides to stay in the M...We all have our reasons, and to most, they just don't seem valid enough to justify staying in the M...Don't let this get you down...Hopefully, you will get some really good advice and do what its best for you and your family. IMO, you should stay on this forum, as I think you would get the most support given your current situation. Of course, it's always good to check out other forums, but it can be sort of cut throat in other forums, so I would not recommend it until you are feeling stronger. Posters on the the OW/OM are for the most part, good people and can eventually offer you some wonderful advice, but I would not recommend going there just yet... I too, never thought I would be in this position. We had known each other since we were in high school, attended college w/in close proximity, went to grad school together and then M and had two beautiful kids 5 years after we married. Everything was looking great, and I thought it WAS great...It turns out that many puzzling things that occurred over the years, from big to little can easily be explained now that I know of the A's.. We were separated twice for six months each. The second time, I finally filed for D..He literally fell apart and he too, would not leave me alone..So, I petitioned the court for an order of reconciliation. This means that I forever lost my grounds for D should I decide to go this route in the future, but I really don't care b/c I figure if it gets to this point, I'll be so ready, i'll just mediate and go on my way...Our kids are only 2 and three years away from leaving for college, so we will see how things are then.. RE: Work romances..They are soooo common now days, and HR depts.have gotten so sneaky and strict about this..My H's very large international co does not forbid office romance, but you get into the whole ual harassment thing if you have an A with a subordinate. My H came dangerously close to this last summer until I called the W herself and it stopped. I cannot be his babysitter, but I CAN protect my interests and myself and kids. I would love to work things out w/ him, but it will be a long time to come...mabey never when I trust him completely again. I had never been with another man and was so devastated by his actions that I completely lost myself. I stopped eating and lost 35 lbs, started to drink again after 3 years of sobriety, couldn't function some days to do things that needed to be done with the kids and house and most heartbreaking to me, I had to give up the business that I ran w/ my Mom that I loved so... I am here to tell my story to you but also offer you hope that if you choose to stay and work things out, there is a chance that it will work. The ball is now in your court. If you don't think you can stay w/ him and look at his face everyday; something I had a REALLY hard time w/, then you might want to consider a divorce or at least a lengthy separation while still attending MC and IC...I keep stressing this b/c it's so very important for YOU but also for both of you if there is any inkling that you might want the M to work... Lastly, you are NOT stupid!!!!!!!!!! I would be a very wealthy woman if I had a dollar for every time I called myself stupid...I am sure that you are not unloved. Just b/c your H had an A, does NOT mean that he does not love you. Most A's are not about love...That does get very complicated, and especially OW's get very defensive and will tell you that it's your fault, you must have known, the M must have been bad to begin w/, yada yada ...Don't listen, at least right now..Everything is too raw for you to do anything but stay centered and get some support right away. If LS is your first attempt to get some support, GOOD FOR YOU! You are on the right track! Glad you're here! Come back!!! ood I am so sorry and hope that things get better soon...Coming up w/ a game plan helps, and lots of support. LS has been really good for me for the most part and allowed me to have an outlet that I would not be able to get in our small community...So, keep coming back and welcome again..
outofdarkness Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Hey, everyone. I've been lurking here for a while working up the courage to ask your opinion/advice. This is a long, sad story, so please bear with me. We've been married for 24 years, together for 26. We married and had our children when we were very young, but we have always been so happy. We have four daughters, three who are college graduates and all are out on their own. When our youngest was in her senior year of college, my husband was offered a big promotion at work which would take us five hours away from our families, friends, etc. After deciding to accept the promotion, we sold our beautiful home, moved, bought a bigger, more beautiful home and began settling in to our new surroundings. I had worked our whole married life at a job I loved and, unfortunately, had to leave when we moved but did so for him. He was working long hours ... getting up at 3 a.m. and coming home after 7 p.m. I was very unhappy because I was alone all the time, but tried not to be a nag about his hours because he constantly told me how "messed up this place was" and how "it was his responsibility" to straighten it out. I'm sure you can all guess what happened. We had been there one year and one month when my husband came home from work early on a Monday. I saw him get out of an unfamiliar car, not his company car and went downstairs and half kiddingly asked "Did you get fired?" He starts bawling and says "yes." I'm like "Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh my God." Well, he spilled his guts and informed me that he had been having an affair with a woman from work. Needless to say, I packed a bag, threw it in my car and left. He kept begging me to stay and talk but I couldn't. I was shocked and devastated and ended up driving the five hours home to my sister's. To make a long story shorter, we were separated for five months. During the five months, he wouldn't leave me alone. He kept begging me to give him a second chance. He called and emailed me constantly pleading with me to let him make this up to me. We are back together now, but this past year has been nothing short of hell because I don't believe him. His story seems to be so strange and full of holes. He says that she initiated the affair from the beginning and the first time it happened they were at a training for work and went out for dinner. He had too much to drink and she came on to him in the elevator at the hotel and they ended up in bed. When he tried to break it off, she hinted that she would tell because he was her boss. She then pursued him constantly and no matter what he said she wouldn't leave him alone. I'm not going to get into the details, but she ended up getting them both fired and continued to call him until he finally told her to stop because he wanted me back. It's been a year and a half since that day and I am not only struggling to get over his affair, but financially we are ruined. He found another job, but we had to move and have been unable to sell our house. We lost two cars and have had to drain his 401K just to make ends meet. I never in a million years thought I would ever been in this position. I make his life miserable every day and he is still here, but it's all just too much. I feel like he not only ruined our marriage, but he ruined our lives. I thought we loved each other so much. I feel so stupid, so betrayed, so unloved. Help me please LSers. I am losing my mind. Welcome to the forum! Your story sounds almost identical to mine, except that my H is a serial cheater...more then one, but one main OW who is the one that wrote me the letter that sparked the big D day...The day I found out about everything..We too, lost almost everything. We too, had to move..Not out of state, but to a new city close to the old one. He took a job that was low paying compared to the one that he left, we drained his 401k and had to start from scratch. Our child became ill, I became ill, my H had to go to treatment twice which didn't help the financial problem, and our kids were asked to leave the only school that they had ever known due to an A that my H had with the spouse of the head of the board of trustees...They were devastated, as we all were, and have spent three years in intensive therapy trying to rebuild our lives. It's gut wrenching, painful, and really tough to learn to trust; in my opinion, ANYONE for a long time...I STILL don't completely trust my H..Red flags do show themselves every so often, and I just try to use LS and the tools that I've gained through MC and IC to deal with them...This is not easy b/c I always want to get angry and hurt him back..This only makes things worst and IMO ends up actually feeding his addiction...THAT is what I call serial cheaters, or at least some of them; addicts. Take heed, it does get better w/ much time, effort and professional help...Patience is key, and it's really hard to have much of it when you're so angry about being treated so abusively, and yes, I do believe that cheaters act in a abusive manner towards their families. A's wreck entire families and the repercussions are far reaching and can take years to heal from. I'm not trying to make you feel any worst, just sharing my experience in hopes that you might not feel so alone..I just assume that someone who's been through this feels somewhat alone. As I said on my recent thread about serial cheaters, and I do not know that your H is...We don't get much support b/c people just don't understand why we stay w/ our spouses and become sometimes frustrated and outdone w/ our reasons. There is, imo, sort of a stigma attached to it when the Betrayed person, whether it's a W, H or SO, decides to stay in the M...We all have our reasons, and to most, they just don't seem valid enough to justify staying in the M...Don't let this get you down...Hopefully, you will get some really good advice and do what its best for you and your family. IMO, you should stay on this forum, as I think you would get the most support given your current situation. Of course, it's always good to check out other forums, but it can be sort of cut throat in other forums, so I would not recommend it until you are feeling stronger. Posters on the the OW/OM are for the most part, good people and can eventually offer you some wonderful advice, but I would not recommend going there just yet... I too, never thought I would be in this position. We had known each other since we were in high school, attended college w/in close proximity, went to grad school together and then M and had two beautiful kids 5 years after we married. Everything was looking great, and I thought it WAS great...It turns out that many puzzling things that occurred over the years, from big to little can easily be explained now that I know of the A's.. We were separated twice for six months each. The second time, I finally filed for D..He literally fell apart and he too, would not leave me alone..So, I petitioned the court for an order of reconciliation. This means that I forever lost my grounds for D should I decide to go this route in the future, but I really don't care b/c I figure if it gets to this point, I'll be so ready, i'll just mediate and go on my way...Our kids are only 2 and three years away from leaving for college, so we will see how things are then.. RE: Work romances..They are soooo common now days, and HR depts.have gotten so sneaky and strict about this..My H's very large international co does not forbid office romance, but you get into the whole ual harassment thing if you have an A with a subordinate. My H came dangerously close to this last summer until I called the W herself and it stopped. I cannot be his babysitter, but I CAN protect my interests and myself and kids. I would love to work things out w/ him, but it will be a long time to come...mabey never when I trust him completely again. I had never been with another man and was so devastated by his actions that I completely lost myself. I stopped eating and lost 35 lbs, started to drink again after 3 years of sobriety, couldn't function some days to do things that needed to be done with the kids and house and most heartbreaking to me, I had to give up the business that I ran w/ my Mom that I loved so... I am here to tell my story to you but also offer you hope that if you choose to stay and work things out, there is a chance that it will work. The ball is now in your court. If you don't think you can stay w/ him and look at his face everyday; something I had a REALLY hard time w/, then you might want to consider a divorce or at least a lengthy separation while still attending MC and IC...I keep stressing this b/c it's so very important for YOU but also for both of you if there is any inkling that you might want the M to work... Lastly, you are NOT stupid!!!!!!!!!! I would be a very wealthy woman if I had a dollar for every time I called myself stupid...I am sure that you are not unloved. Just b/c your H had an A, does NOT mean that he does not love you. Most A's are not about love...That does get very complicated, and especially OW's get very defensive and will tell you that it's your fault, you must have known, the M must have been bad to begin w/, yada yada ...Don't listen, at least right now..Everything is too raw for you to do anything but stay centered and get some support right away. If LS is your first attempt to get some support, GOOD FOR YOU! You are on the right track! Glad you're here! Come back!!! ood I am so sorry and hope that things get better soon...Coming up w/ a game plan helps, and lots of support. LS has been really good for me for the most part and allowed me to have an outlet that I would not be able to get in our small community...So, keep coming back and welcome again..
Author Melissa277 Posted June 8, 2007 Author Posted June 8, 2007 I am so sorry that this stupid post ended up on two threads. I just can't seem to do anything right these days. outofdarkness, I am very sorry for your pain. I know exactly how you feel. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. Every woman that even speaks to him makes me jealous. I don't let him know this, but I cringe every time a female speaks to him nicely ... even the checkout girls at the supermarket. I don't want to feel this way! I hate myself, but I feel like I just don't know this person ... who was my best friend, is the father of my children and who I have spent the better part of my life ... anymore. Mr Lucky, thank you for saying we are still young. I don't feel very young anymore ... I feel like I'm 100. I just don't have any confidence in anything I do. I don't feel confident looking for a job at this time. No one would hire me anyway. H keeps telling me that I am wasting what little time we have left on this earth by not letting this go. God, am I?
raincloud Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I am so sorry that this stupid post ended up on two threads. I just can't seem to do anything right these days. It's not a stupid post, and you are not stupid either. I just read your post and the one by outofdarkness....I am in tears. All of these feelings you are talking about are so familiar to me, and many others. I am fairly new to this forum, but I have already received some wonderful advice and support. Some of what has been posted, in response to my posts, has been quite hard to read at times, but in the long run it is helping. Please don't beat yourself up, I did, it doesn't help. Do something for yourself, to make YOU happy. I know it is so hard to pick yourself up sometimes, but you need to. I started walking and exercising, eating healthy...things to make me feel and function better because the stress was killing me...I was constantly sick after D-day. So please take care of yourself!
silktricks Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I just posted on your other thread, but wanted to add to this one. . You are NOT stupid. You are in pain. Take care of yourself. Life really isn't over, you really aren't 100. You have many years of happiness ahead of you, you just need to get past this really really bad patch, but you can do that. (((HUGS)))
SueBee3490 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 outofdarkness, I am very sorry for your pain. I know exactly how you feel. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. Every woman that even speaks to him makes me jealous. I don't let him know this, but I cringe every time a female speaks to him nicely ... even the checkout girls at the supermarket. I don't want to feel this way! I hate myself, but I feel like I just don't know this person ... who was my best friend, is the father of my children and who I have spent the better part of my life ... anymore. Mr Lucky, thank you for saying we are still young. I don't feel very young anymore ... I feel like I'm 100. I just don't have any confidence in anything I do. I don't feel confident looking for a job at this time. No one would hire me anyway. H keeps telling me that I am wasting what little time we have left on this earth by not letting this go. God, am I? Melissa, You are not stupid, you are in pain as other LSers have said. I am so sorry for your pain. We all know where you are coming from. I've never had such pain in my life as finding out my H cheated (everyone here probably knows my story - but he cheated over and over on me while dating me - all the while never telling me). I am so sorry for your pain - my d day was over 4 yrs ago and it does get better with time. Of course at the time, I couldn't imagine hurting any worse. What you said about women talking to your H make you cringe - oh how that describes me. My h and I used to joke about all kinds of things - we'd send each other sex jokes, etc. After finding out about his cheating, I never joke with him about women, men, sex, etc. When something comes on tv that could even have undertones relating to this, I turn it off. I hate what I've become too. I feel like if I somewhat "allow" him to talk to women, etc., it's like giving my permission to cheat. I know that sounds so stupid - but I'm not good with words and don't know how to describe this feeling. I've even got mad about men he works with making comments about women. He tells me and I get mad that they would say that around him. It's crazy. This is exactly how much damage cheating can do. It totally destroys your trust. So anytime you feel like venting, come here because we all understand.
Author Melissa277 Posted June 8, 2007 Author Posted June 8, 2007 Thanks everyone for the kind words. I have stopped crying (for the moment anyway). I know this is gonna sound weird and I am so sorry for the pain you all have been through, but I actually feel better knowing that I am not crazy and that I am not the only one with these terrible feelings of mistrust, jealousy, betrayal and yes, hate. My H keeps telling me he will never, ever do that again. My problem is I never thought he would do it in the first place so how do I believe him when he says it will never happen again? I think the reason I am having such a hard time getting over this is because he keeps telling me that he's sick of being reminded over and over of what an a**hole he is. Well, I still think about it 24/7 so why should he be at peace? Does this mean that he's forgiven himself? How can a person forgive themself for something so terrible when the person they hurt the most is still in such pain?
silktricks Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I think the reason I am having such a hard time getting over this is because he keeps telling me that he's sick of being reminded over and over of what an a**hole he is. Well, I still think about it 24/7 so why should he be at peace? Does this mean that he's forgiven himself? How can a person forgive themself for something so terrible when the person they hurt the most is still in such pain? Honey, since you went back to him, that means for him (and I assume for you) that you have decided to forgive him. Forgiveness is more than just living together. It's active. It takes work. Granted you are still in a bucket of pain--and BELIEVE me, I'm not in any way denegrating your pain. The pain, though, won't go away on its own either. It certainly won't go away if you unceasingly wallow in it, or beat your husband up about it daily (and I'm not saying you are). Remember, he's living the same life you are. He's in the same financial straights you are AND HE KNOWS IT IS HIS FAULT. Just the financial disaster has got to have devastated him, above and beyond that his shame at his betrayal of you!! At some point, you need to start making that forgiveness you implied by getting back together a real tangible active item. Don't bring it up unless you feel like you've got it ripping at your throat. Don't hide your emotions, but don't wave them about like a red flag either. You say that you don't know if you can trust him again. Honey, you spent 26 YEARS together. He ****ed up once. Granted it was not your minor little tiny ****-up, but give the man some credit, too. What are the odds? Pretty slim, unless you don't start working at getting over the problem. People who feel guilty can feel pretty guilty for a pretty long time, but they've GOT to know that there is some relief in sight, otherwise, what do they have to live for? If you can't start to work to get past what happened, then you need to rethink your ability to stay with this man. This husband who you have loved for 26 years and raised 4 daughters with. The man who has cared for you as well. The man you were happy with. When I was in the depth of my pain, one night I lay there looking at my husband. I thought about what we had been going through. I tried to imagine how I would feel if he was just gone. Gone from my life, gone from my world, gone. Then I thought about the pain, and wondered what would happen if I simply couldn't get past it. I thought of the things I still wanted to do with him. The joys that we had shared in the past, and realized that I needed to start making the choices that would move me past the pain, because otherwise we could no longer be "we". You can do it!!
Lynna Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 When I was in the depth of my pain, one night I lay there looking at my husband. I thought about what we had been going through. I tried to imagine how I would feel if he was just gone. Gone from my life, gone from my world, gone. Then I thought about the pain, and wondered what would happen if I simply couldn't get past it. I thought of the things I still wanted to do with him. The joys that we had shared in the past, and realized that I needed to start making the choices that would move me past the pain, because otherwise we could no longer be "we". Oh that is exactly how I felt!!! Melissa, if you feel this way at all then hang in there! Talk to anyone you need to to try and move beyond this as best you can. I know it is very hard, I have many of the same feelings of mistrust and I too hate having them. I don't know yet how to get beyond them, I just joined this site myself, but it seems like there are a lot of us here who have been there. I know how rough it is, but you are not alone. Hang in there Melissa!
outofdarkness Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Honey, since you went back to him, that means for him (and I assume for you) that you have decided to forgive him. Forgiveness is more than just living together. It's active. It takes work. Granted you are still in a bucket of pain--and BELIEVE me, I'm not in any way denegrating your pain. The pain, though, won't go away on its own either. It certainly won't go away if you unceasingly wallow in it, or beat your husband up about it daily (and I'm not saying you are). Remember, he's living the same life you are. He's in the same financial straights you are AND HE KNOWS IT IS HIS FAULT. Just the financial disaster has got to have devastated him, above and beyond that his shame at his betrayal of you!! At some point, you need to start making that forgiveness you implied by getting back together a real tangible active item. Don't bring it up unless you feel like you've got it ripping at your throat. Don't hide your emotions, but don't wave them about like a red flag either. You say that you don't know if you can trust him again. Honey, you spent 26 YEARS together. He ****ed up once. Granted it was not your minor little tiny ****-up, but give the man some credit, too. What are the odds? Pretty slim, unless you don't start working at getting over the problem. People who feel guilty can feel pretty guilty for a pretty long time, but they've GOT to know that there is some relief in sight, otherwise, what do they have to live for? If you can't start to work to get past what happened, then you need to rethink your ability to stay with this man. This husband who you have loved for 26 years and raised 4 daughters with. The man who has cared for you as well. The man you were happy with. When I was in the depth of my pain, one night I lay there looking at my husband. I thought about what we had been going through. I tried to imagine how I would feel if he was just gone. Gone from my life, gone from my world, gone. Then I thought about the pain, and wondered what would happen if I simply couldn't get past it. I thought of the things I still wanted to do with him. The joys that we had shared in the past, and realized that I needed to start making the choices that would move me past the pain, because otherwise we could no longer be "we". You can do it!! This was a great post, and one that I, myself needed to hear too..Thanks!
Author Melissa277 Posted June 8, 2007 Author Posted June 8, 2007 Silktricks, I know you are right. Believe me, I know you are right and I try to not throw it in his face, I really do. But so far, I can only go four or five days and then I start a huge fight over it. This has been going on for the past year because I just don't think he gets it, ya' know what I mean? For instance, we have been trying to sell our house for a year and a half and naturally, the bottom falls out of the market. Our realtor thought maybe we should paint every room a neutral color. So, last weekend we drive eight hours and checked into a hotel for three days. As soon as we started getting close to our former town, I began to feel uneasy and sad, but I didn't say anything to him. When we got to our house I felt sick, but again I didn't say anything. I just sucked it up. For three days, beginning at 7 am and quitting at around 9 pm, we painted and we painted and we painted. It was nothing but hard work and spending more money that we don't have, but hopefully it will be worth it. Everything was fine until we were on our way home when I was telling him about the five blisters on my hands from the paint roller. He said yeah, he had them too, but that he thought it was "kinda fun, like a mini vacation." I'm like "a mini vacation? That's what you call it? Oh, my God. I can't stand to be in that town or that house because all it represents is pain, lonliness, lies and opportunity lost and you think of it as a mini vacation? How can you be so insensitive?" He said he didn't mean to be insensitive, but there it was. He doesn't get it. We had a huge fight and I haven't spoken to him since. I've been locked up in the spare bedroom for the past week and come out only when he's not home. Am I crazy? Too sensitive? I don't know any more.
outofdarkness Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Thanks everyone for the kind words. I have stopped crying (for the moment anyway). I know this is gonna sound weird and I am so sorry for the pain you all have been through, but I actually feel better knowing that I am not crazy and that I am not the only one with these terrible feelings of mistrust, jealousy, betrayal and yes, hate. My H keeps telling me he will never, ever do that again. My problem is I never thought he would do it in the first place so how do I believe him when he says it will never happen again? I think the reason I am having such a hard time getting over this is because he keeps telling me that he's sick of being reminded over and over of what an a**hole he is. Well, I still think about it 24/7 so why should he be at peace? Does this mean that he's forgiven himself? How can a person forgive themself for something so terrible when the person they hurt the most is still in such pain? Hang it there..These things take MUCH time and patience...The forgiveness part is something that I didn't really understand in the beginning...I came to realize that forgiveness is for ME too! As far as your H forgiving himself...Well, it's going to be really hard for him to move forward w/ his life if he can't forgive himself... I know how painful and raw things are now, but know that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Some things, you will never forget but you can forgive. Sometimes, jolts like this can be the best thing that ever happened in your life...Unfortunately, you have to endure the extreme pain, loneliness, etc. that you are feeling now, to get to that point. Keep coming back to LS..It's a great place for support!
silktricks Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 he thought it was "kinda fun, like a mini vacation." I'm like "a mini vacation? That's what you call it? Oh, my God. I can't stand to be in that town or that house because all it represents is pain, lonliness, lies and opportunity lost and you think of it as a mini vacation? How can you be so insensitive?" He said he didn't mean to be insensitive, but there it was. He doesn't get it. We had a huge fight and I haven't spoken to him since. I've been locked up in the spare bedroom for the past week and come out only when he's not home. Am I crazy? Too sensitive? I don't know any more. Crazy? no. Too sensitive? I don't know, I'm not really sure if there is such a thing. BUT - what you ARE doing is angry, angy, ANGRY, ANGRY!! About a lot of things. Don't you see, he CAN'T get it. Not most of the time. If he really truly could GET it, the whole mess would not have happened. He's living in the moment, like a lot of us do, all the time. You are living in the past. You are in the pain of yesterday, because it's still yesterday to you. You are living what I call the "what if's". What if we hadn't moved here. What if I had done this. What if I hadn't done that. What if my husband hadn't done this. etc. etc. etc. Don't you see, the "what if's" don't do ANYONE any good. All they bring is pain. If your husband could go back in time, don't you think he'd not do what he did? In a heartbeat he would!!!! The problem is that time travel hasn't been discovered yet!! You cannot go back. You can only go forward. Don't be afraid of looking at the glass as half full instead of half empty, because all it is is a matter of perception. Face the fact that your husband is not perfect. Are you? I bet not.... God knows I'm not!! So, the fact that your husband never thought about how you related that house to your pain is not unusual. My husband has had the same problem with some of my "flashpoints". Some of them I've gotten by, others I still haven't. One of my favorite places in the whole world (childhood memories, the whole kaboodle), he took the b*t*h to (he said he didn't "know" it was so important to me - what bull**** he was so pissed off at me he couldn't see straight and was doing everything possible to get me - guess what, it worked!! ). Anyway, I'd regularly meltdown when we went there, until my husband said, "forget it, we're not going back", I told him that we were going to go every damn day if we had to to get me past it, 'cuz I wasn't going to give up on him or on the place, and he was just going to have to go through it with me!!. Sorry, not really on topic, but the point is that you CAN get past this stuff. It takes a ton of effort, though, and frankly not talking to the man isn't effort.... Don't yell at your husband. Talk to him. Better yet, converse WITH him. Let him know how you feel about something, but not by an explosion. He can't "get it" if it's coming at him a thousand miles an hour with knives sticking out all over it. All he'll do is duck and run. Then he'll never be able to "get it". It probably sounds like I'm saying to pamper him, and YOU are feeling like you are the abused one and need the pampering. Well, I am saying pamper him. Show him you love him. You do, you know. You are the abused one. You are the one in pain. But he's in pain, too. You can't see his pain because of your own, and that's OK, but start working past it, or you'll have won the battle, but lost the war. hugs
Author Melissa277 Posted June 8, 2007 Author Posted June 8, 2007 Is there an icon with tears? More tears. I wish my eyeballs would just dry up. You hit the nail right on the head. I am doing the whys and whatifs. Why did we have to accept that promotion? Why did I think that we were doing the right thing for our future? Why did we sell the home that our children grew up in (God, I miss that house so much)? Why did we move so far away from everyone? Why didn't I know what was going on (I had no idea. How does that happen? Everyone is either suspicious or has some idea, but I had none. How could I be so stupid?) Why did I give him so much space? Why did I listen to a "friend" who told me when we left that I just "had to let him work" because they promoted him to straighten this place out? Why? Why? Why? I just wanted to do what was right for his career and now it's all gone. Everything. I am angry. I am hurt. I am so stupid. I am such a loser, I gave up my whole life for him ... and he didn't care enough about me to be faithful. That's what really hurts. And the thing is, I always thought he was perfect. He was always the only one for me ... he was my soul mate. I told Lynna that guilt was the one thing I didn't feel, but I do feel guilty. I feel guilty that I haven't celebrated a Christmas or a Thanksgiving or any other holiday in two years. I feel guilty that my kids have no where to go for the holidays. I feel guilty that my oldest daughter's wedding was one week before what do you call it D-day? and now I can't even look at her wedding pictures with him there smiling like nothing was wrong. I will try to do what you guys suggest. I know it's my fault that we haven't moved on. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I know I'm being a pain in the ass. I guess everything has just built up for so long ...
Mr. Lucky Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I will try to do what you guys suggest. I know it's my fault that we haven't moved on. I'm wondering why, given all your hurt, anger and sadness, you haven't more actively considered leaving your Husband and filing for divorce? The possibility exists that, since he's the one that has broken your heart, he may not be the right person to fix it... Mr. Lucky
jmargel Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Melissa I think at this point you need to see a counselor along with him. You two can't solve these problems between each other and having a counselor with you will help take this burden off your shoulders. My assumption is that you are looking for reasons on WHY he cheated. And the explation he gave has not given you a reason. You might be one of the types that once you know the reason you can find a way so that it won't happen again. This is why you are living on the edge because of all the uncertainty. His cheating.. he did not do it to hurt you. He did it for his own stupid, selfish reasons. Good chance the communication between you two was severly lacking and him being gone all the time just made it worse. Communication is the foundation of every marriage and once that cracks other problems (ie. cheating) become a result of it. What you need to realize is that you cannot allow yourself to base your own self-worth on what has happened. This did not happen because you were not good enough or that something was wrong with you. He is also living his own hell with the guilty conscious that resides within him. He needs to live with the feeling of what he's done to you. Start setting short term goals for yourself, start making yourself happy. Get yourself out of this pity ditch and resolve yourself to the fact that you and your husband will have better times together and will get through this. Do this first step by finding a good counselor.
silktricks Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 My assumption is that you are looking for reasons on WHY he cheated. And the explation he gave has not given you a reason. You might be one of the types that once you know the reason you can find a way so that it won't happen again. This is why you are living on the edge because of all the uncertainty. His cheating.. he did not do it to hurt you. He did it for his own stupid, selfish reasons. Good chance the communication between you two was severly lacking and him being gone all the time just made it worse. Communication is the foundation of every marriage and once that cracks other problems (ie. cheating) become a result of it. What you need to realize is that you cannot allow yourself to base your own self-worth on what has happened. This did not happen because you were not good enough or that something was wrong with you. He is also living his own hell with the guilty conscious that resides within him. He needs to live with the feeling of what he's done to you. Start setting short term goals for yourself, start making yourself happy. Get yourself out of this pity ditch and resolve yourself to the fact that you and your husband will have better times together and will get through this. Do this first step by finding a good counselor. REALLY REALLY REALLY excellent advice.
silktricks Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Why did we have to accept that promotion? Why did I think that we were doing the right thing for our future? Why did we sell the home that our children grew up in (God, I miss that house so much)? Why did we move so far away from everyone? Why didn't I know what was going on (I had no idea. How does that happen? Everyone is either suspicious or has some idea, but I had none. How could I be so stupid?) Why did I give him so much space? Why did I listen to a "friend" who told me when we left that I just "had to let him work" because they promoted him to straighten this place out? Why? Why? Why? I just wanted to do what was right for his career and now it's all gone. You had no suspicions because you trusted. Trusting is not a BAD thing, you know. It's a very very GOOD thing. So don't think you did something wrong, don't beat yourself up over it, and don't for God's sake, give up on it. Trust is good. You want to work to REGAIN that trust that you are now beating yourself up over having. I am angry. I am hurt. I am so stupid. I am such a loser, I gave up my whole life for him ... and he didn't care enough about me to be faithful. That's what really hurts. Be careful here. First you are neither stupid, nor a loser. You cannot be more wrong, though, you DID NOT GIVE UP YOUR LIFE FOR HIM. You are alive. You at least sound healthy. You are smart, and capable, and a trusting person who has been hurt. Also, please, please, please do not think "he didn't care enough about me to be faithful". The thing is, people are people and people make really really bad mistakes sometimes. It's not out of lack of caring or lack of love. It's about being at the wrong place at the wrong time in the wrong frame of mind with the wrong person. It's really easy to say that this a something lacking in him, or in you or in something. But that is in some ways just another way of refusing to forgive. Because forgiveness is also acceptance. Accepting that the person we love has flaws, and loving them over, in, around and through the flaws. In some ways loving them because of the flaws. And the thing is, I always thought he was perfect. He was always the only one for me ... he was my soul mate. I always thought that way about my husband, too. But ya know something? He thought I didn't love him anymore. Not because I didn't tell him that every single ding-dong day, but because he didn't like HIM anymore, and I didn't like ME anymore, and as a result WE weren't WE anymore. He couldn't FEEL the love that I had for him. It wasn't my fault that my husband strayed for a time. It was his fault, and his mistake. But that doesn't mean that I didn't make a ton of my own mistakes. Your husband may not be able to talk to you about his issues --- he might just be hoping that y'all will get back to the relationship that you used to have without ever needing to 'fess up to them. But I can guarantee you that he has them. You said he was at a new job, a high stress job. It may also have been harder on him than you (or he) knew for you to no longer have your career. It's pretty scary to be the sole bread-winner, no matter how good the jobs is. Also, I can tell you from personal experience that a high stress job can leave you absolutely debilitated. Many days I come home feeling a failure. Not because I don't do my job very well (thank-you very much), but because no matter how much you do, there's always so much more that should/could be done --- and your boss is always anxious to let you know every step where you falter. Anyway, that's just one or two possibilities of what might have been happening with him. But whatever it was, there were contributing factors. I told Lynna that guilt was the one thing I didn't feel, but I do feel guilty. Of course you do, otherwise you wouldn't be human. I will try to do what you guys suggest. I know it's my fault that we haven't moved on. Oh stop talking about fault. Life is just a mess that we wade through. There are a few exciting stops along the way, though!! Keep workin' at it, you can make it. One thing that my husband and I did after D-Day was set aside 1/2 hour each day after work to talk about our days. We'd talk before we did anything else. We talk about the things that made us feel good and the things that made us feel bad. We especially talk about any and all "hits" on either of us that are made. I wasn't aware of how jealous my husband was about the fact that I am in a business that is dominated by men. He said I had my head in the sand about it, and that's true - I didn't want to accept it, because I didn't think I could deal with one single thing more than I was already dealing with. Then the roof caved in and I found out I could. (((hugs)))
Author Melissa277 Posted June 9, 2007 Author Posted June 9, 2007 Crazy? no. Too sensitive? I don't know, I'm not really sure if there is such a thing. BUT - what you ARE doing is angry, angy, ANGRY, ANGRY!! About a lot of things. Don't you see, he CAN'T get it. Not most of the time. If he really truly could GET it, the whole mess would not have happened. He's living in the moment, like a lot of us do, all the time. You are living in the past. You are in the pain of yesterday, because it's still yesterday to you. You are living what I call the "what if's". What if we hadn't moved here. What if I had done this. What if I hadn't done that. What if my husband hadn't done this. etc. etc. etc. Don't you see, the "what if's" don't do ANYONE any good. All they bring is pain. If your husband could go back in time, don't you think he'd not do what he did? In a heartbeat he would!!!! The problem is that time travel hasn't been discovered yet!! You cannot go back. You can only go forward. Don't be afraid of looking at the glass as half full instead of half empty, because all it is is a matter of perception. Face the fact that your husband is not perfect. Are you? I bet not.... God knows I'm not!! So, the fact that your husband never thought about how you related that house to your pain is not unusual. My husband has had the same problem with some of my "flashpoints". Some of them I've gotten by, others I still haven't. One of my favorite places in the whole world (childhood memories, the whole kaboodle), he took the b*t*h to (he said he didn't "know" it was so important to me - what bull**** he was so pissed off at me he couldn't see straight and was doing everything possible to get me - guess what, it worked!! ). Anyway, I'd regularly meltdown when we went there, until my husband said, "forget it, we're not going back", I told him that we were going to go every damn day if we had to to get me past it, 'cuz I wasn't going to give up on him or on the place, and he was just going to have to go through it with me!!. Sorry, not really on topic, but the point is that you CAN get past this stuff. It takes a ton of effort, though, and frankly not talking to the man isn't effort.... Don't yell at your husband. Talk to him. Better yet, converse WITH him. Let him know how you feel about something, but not by an explosion. He can't "get it" if it's coming at him a thousand miles an hour with knives sticking out all over it. All he'll do is duck and run. Then he'll never be able to "get it". It probably sounds like I'm saying to pamper him, and YOU are feeling like you are the abused one and need the pampering. Well, I am saying pamper him. Show him you love him. You do, you know. You are the abused one. You are the one in pain. But he's in pain, too. You can't see his pain because of your own, and that's OK, but start working past it, or you'll have won the battle, but lost the war. hugs Thank God, we weren't in that town long enough to have "special places." He didn't take her any place anyway. They were having sex at work in his office or so the story goes and one of the many reasons I had not a clue. Can you imagine? Nice, huh? One hellava woman. The kind every man wants to take home to his momma. Wink-wink.
mountain girl Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 New here...but your feelings are felt by many, including me. My H has only had an EA...not his first. But the feelings of distrust, anxiety, jealousy, suspiciousness, fear of the future, etc. are all the same. Yes, the man who I have been married to for more than 25 years is sooo different these last several months and now I finally know at least one reason why. Your email explains why an EA in the workplace is so scarry for someone like me...and what it can lead into - a full blown A...despite H's belief that there is nothing wrong. And the consequences are horrendous. Sorry you are going thru all this...but from what I've seem around LS...you have lots of support.
Lynna Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 Melissa, I was reminded of this quote while reading a different thread and I talked about it there, but it applies to you as well. Remembering it has helped me a great deal today. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Don't give the affair (or the OW or your husband) your consent to make you feel bad or guilty about this situation. Though it may not feel like it right now, you have control over your emotions. You can be strong. Everything you feel is part of the experience, you can't escape those emotions. But you can keep them from controlling your life. We all can. Take it one step at a time, try to start taking positive actions, set small goals, positive ones.
Author Melissa277 Posted June 10, 2007 Author Posted June 10, 2007 I'm wondering why, given all your hurt, anger and sadness, you haven't more actively considered leaving your Husband and filing for divorce? The possibility exists that, since he's the one that has broken your heart, he may not be the right person to fix it... Mr. Lucky I love him. No, I hate him. No, I love him. No, I hate him. No, I .... This is what's going on inside my head day and night and night and day.
outofdarkness Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 I love him. No, I hate him. No, I love him. No, I hate him. No, I .... This is what's going on inside my head day and night and night and day. And...THAT is perfectly normal at this stage in the game! Let yourself grieve, take care of yourself and remember that HE is the one who strayed and cheated. The ball is in your court..you are at an advantage...You are right where you should be at this stage...People have told me that when your H has an A it is WORST then a ...because you still see him day in and day out...if you have chosen to stay. The grieving process takes much longer then it would, IMO, if there had been a ...So, give yourself a break and realize that these things take much time and patience. Time will tell if he is willing to do what it it takes to earn back your trust. I am thinking of you!
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