upto_here Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 in my case A is never been an issue before ...i never realised that in my M is never gonna work until now not becuase i'm involved with OM ..the big issue of the M is that my H never helped me with anything at all ..he is selfish in many way 1.no respect for me whatsoever even in front of my family member 2.never help with the kids 3.gambling 4.we worked together and he is take advantage of other people around him 5.sometime verbal abusive to the kids 6.he think he know everthing...etc i was annoyed all the time when i was with him but i have no alternative choices i wanted to leave so many time but haven't got any courage ,i have 3 young kids,and all the financial side...but.the end of the day i knew deepdown he is a good person... but then one day i met my OM he nothing like my H whatsoever we work together and get on very well he respect me as i nver been respect before....we started of pure and innocent R...its kind of give you some self back and i realised that i am worth more than that.... then my H suspicious of changes and i told him what had been in my mind in our M ,he vowed to me he will change ,and he did ,<some> i knew its very hard to change but whatever it is my feeling is never change whatsoever ...the damage is done ....for a long time what im trying to say is that most of the MW never intented to cheat on their H at all but when its time when they relised that its nver gonna work in the M she will look for the secured side she lost in the M .
silktricks Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I don't know if this counts, but here goes. My first husband cheated on me for years, would come home so drunk that he'd pass out on the floor as soon as he walked through it. He was dishonest, even stole from our church. He lied about EVERYTHING. I was miserable, took our kids and left him. While still married to him, but no longer living with him, I met another man and began seeing him. I never went back to my husband and intiated divorce.
Herzen Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 A few reasons: 1. Because they are bored in their marriage, and want to feel sexy and wanted again. 2. They miss the thrill of that initial attraction and lust, the exploration process that comes with a new lover. 3. They miss what it feels like for a man to put on his "A" game in order to attract and seduce her. 4. They want to see if they are objectively attractive. 5. They want to put aside the roles of 'wife' and 'mother' to see if they are still attractive as just a 'woman'. ... and so on. Having gone down that road with a MW, LB's "cheat" list best approximates my MW's motivations. Her husband was a fine individual, certainly not abusive, quite handsome and an attentive and loving husband and father. My MW wanted thrills, which I provided to her great enjoyment and my everlasting regret. Still, she not only cheated with me, but she was the aggressor. The affair is long over, she remained married and the husband is none the wiser. I wonder what she thinks about her infidelity, now. I'll never know.
Tomcat33 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Very interesting post read the entire thread! I would love to see what the men's reasons would be but clearly the women on LS outnumber the men...having said that.. My observation: It appears that when women cheat the H had a lot to do with the deterioration of the marriage hence the affair happens (as any person in their right mind would suspect, afterall it is TWO people engaging in a rel). But when OW post about their experiences in their As I tend to see a lot of accusations implying that OW destroy marriages that are not in all that bad of shape or that they are out to get happily married guys!?! Basically the idea that women cheat for emotional reasons and men just for sex is the idea that seems to be perpetuated from preconcieved notions. Somehow the wife is always in ther right!?!? As I said, it's only my observation. Though I do not have experience cheating on a partner, I can totally see why some people become vulnerable to As.
silktricks Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Very interesting post read the entire thread! I would love to see what the men's reasons would be but clearly the women on LS outnumber the men...having said that.. really? That's not what you said on the other thread. . . My observation: It appears that when women cheat the H had a lot to do with the deterioration of the marriage hence the affair happens (as any person in their right mind would suspect, afterall it is TWO people engaging in a rel). But when OW post about their experiences in their As I tend to see a lot of accusations implying that OW destroy marriages that are not in all that bad of shape or that they are out to get happily married guys!?! I would think most cheating (other than serial cheating) is because there are problems in the relationship. However, that doesn't mean that an OW or OM has any right to enter into a relationship with the married person. The marriage is already experiencing problems (obviously) and doesn't need anymore trauma. It's kinda like giving a beating to someone who has the flu, they're already sick. . . Basically the idea that women cheat for emotional reasons and men just for sex is the idea that seems to be perpetuated from preconcieved notions. I agree. I think there are many reasons for cheating of both sexes. I definitely know women who have cheated simply for sex, and men who have cheated for emotional reasons. There are seldom any simplistic reasons for anything Somehow the wife is always in ther right!?!? As I said, it's only my observation. No, I don't think so. But I do think both cheating partners are always in the wrong. Though I do not have experience cheating on a partner, I can totally see why some people become vulnerable to As. I wonder how different your attitude will be if you ever have a partner who cheats on you. . .? But like you, I can absolutely see why some people become vulnerable. And that is the key word - vulnerable.
Tomcat33 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 really? That's not what you said on the other thread. . . I wonder how different your attitude will be if you ever have a partner who cheats on you. . .? But like you, I can absolutely see why some people become vulnerable. And that is the key word - vulnerable. Sorry, what's not what I said in another thread!?!? I have been cheated on. I know exactly what was wrong in that relationship and I learned a lot from the experience.
Tomcat33 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I would think most cheating (other than serial cheating) is because there are problems in the relationship. However, that doesn't mean that an OW or OM has any right to enter into a relationship with the married person. The marriage is already experiencing problems (obviously) and doesn't need anymore trauma. It's kinda like giving a beating to someone who has the flu, they're already sick. . . In some respects yes the A only compounds the problems of an already sick marriage. However some relationships do form from ties that were catalysts to a break up. For instance, if I look at all the reasons why women cheat as posted on this thread the overall commonality I see is that one way or another both partners have abandoned the rel emotionally a long time before the A even occurs. If you abandon someone emotionally and even physically but are still legally bound to them by a certificate, are you not still committing the act of abadonment? So in theory a person is alone. To me abandoning your spouse emotionally or being abandoned is already breaking your matrimonial agreement. People really seem to forget that small but very significant detail when they blame the "outsiders" for the demise of their matrimony.
silktricks Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Sorry, what's not what I said in another thread!?!? This was what you said in a different thread about former male cheaters (mm) posting. Can you blame the OW for having ill feelings towards the cheaters that come on here to the OW/OM support forum? The cheater is the true culprit in misleading both women, the partner and the OW. It's just that it seems that you do want to hear from men who cheat, but only if they say the same kind of things that the women who have cheated say on this thread. Unfortunately, it appears that most of the men who actually will post on this board are the ones who don't say what you want to hear. If most of the women who posted here about why they cheated said it was because they were stupid and selfish and they really regretted what they did would you still find the thread interesting? I think that women have a much stronger need for rationalizing their actions than most men do. It may be because we go over and over and over and over what we do in our heads more than men.??. Never having been a man, I obviously don't know what goes on in their heads. But I do know what my husband SAYS about what goes on in his. And it's nothing (at all) like mine. I worry at a piece of information until it's dust. He takes it and either discards it immediately or puts it in long term storage. When he makes a decision he doesn't worry about whether or not it was the "right" thing to do. It's said, it's done, let's move on to the next item. I have been cheated on. I know exactly what was wrong in that relationship and I learned a lot from the experience. Sorry, I misread what you posted, I thought you said you'd never been cheated on, what you actually said was that you've never cheated on a partner. It's good that you learned from that relationship. How many relationships did you have between that one (where you were cheated on) and the one with the MM?
silktricks Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 In some respects yes the A only compounds the problems of an already sick marriage. However some relationships do form from ties that were catalysts to a break up. Of course this is true, as I know of one such myself. But I know far more relationships where the relationship did not break up, but rather the marriage continued. Had the affair not occurred, the marriage would almost have undoubtedly healed, as the people truly loved one another. For instance, if I look at all the reasons why women cheat as posted on this thread the overall commonality I see is that one way or another both partners have abandoned the rel emotionally a long time before the A even occurs. If you abandon someone emotionally and even physically but are still legally bound to them by a certificate, are you not still committing the act of abadonment? So in theory a person is alone. Theory is theory and reality is reality. They aren't alone. If the married person is separated and living alone, that's one thing. But usually that is NOT the case. Usually the married person is sneaking around getting some excitement into their life, or some anger assuaged, or their ego stroked. The OP knows their affair partner is married and is willing to begin a relationship anyway. (Agreed, sometimes the OP doesn't know, and gets blindsided after the fact, but if they stay in the relationship AFTER they know, at that point, IMHO they are as fully culpable as the MP) To me abandoning your spouse emotionally or being abandoned is already breaking your matrimonial agreement. People really seem to forget that small but very significant detail when they blame the "outsiders" for the demise of their matrimony. There is abandonment, and there is daily living. True abandonment is one thing, but it is very rare. What most of the people on this thread have been talking about is not abandonment, but carelessness. Letting daily life get in the way of what is truly important. Our employers always want us to view our jobs as more important than our families, too often we get caught up in the belief that the career MUST come first. That we are doing it FOR our families, they will understand. . . But usually the marriage does not die. It goes on--after a lot more pain then was necessary. The husband and wife continue on together, and the OP alone. What the outsiders are blamed for is the additional amount of pain that they must now go through when usually they were ALREADY in a fair amount of pain. They blame the outsiders because the outsiders are not part of their unit. Any affair has three guilty parties. The BS is usually guilty of not paying enough attention to the spouse. Their guilt usually is guilt of neglect, though sometimes, it's actually guilt of abuse and neglect. The WS is guilty of cheating their spouse of the love, time and attention they should be paying them instead of another person, not letting the spouse know how badly they are feeling. They are also usually guilty of lying to another party. The OP is guilty of theft. Theft of time and emotions that belong to someone else. Most OP I've known say NO, it was time and emotions freely given. But if the OP knows the OP is married, it is different in my opinion. It's a stretch, but if you think of it like you're walking down the street and this cute dog comes up to you and jumps up on you wagging his tail and licking your face. You really like the dog, and it's obvious that he really likes you too. So even though he's got a collar on, with his license and name and address, you take him home with you. You've stolen the dog. He freely came. He "loved" you. But he wasn't your dog. OK...... WAAAYYYYY Off the thread. Sorry.
Tomcat33 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 This was what you said in a different thread about former male cheaters (mm) posting. It's just that it seems that you do want to hear from men who cheat, but only if they say the same kind of things that the women who have cheated say on this thread. Unfortunately, it appears that most of the men who actually will post on this board are the ones who don't say what you want to hear. If most of the women who posted here about why they cheated said it was because they were stupid and selfish and they really regretted what they did would you still find the thread interesting? I think that women have a much stronger need for rationalizing their actions than most men do. It may be because we go over and over and over and over what we do in our heads more than men.??. Never having been a man, I obviously don't know what goes on in their heads. But I do know what my husband SAYS about what goes on in his. And it's nothing (at all) like mine. I worry at a piece of information until it's dust. He takes it and either discards it immediately or puts it in long term storage. When he makes a decision he doesn't worry about whether or not it was the "right" thing to do. It's said, it's done, let's move on to the next item. Sorry, I misread what you posted, I thought you said you'd never been cheated on, what you actually said was that you've never cheated on a partner. It's good that you learned from that relationship. How many relationships did you have between that one (where you were cheated on) and the one with the MM? What I said in another conversation is out of context in this thread it was about the types of men who speak ill words of the OW after they are done with them. I would welcome reasons why men cheat good or bad, even if I disagree with ALL reasons, but what I was discussing in the other thread was a totally different thing and really has nothing to do with this discussion. And to answer the second question about if women said they cheated because they were stupid and selfish would I find the thread interesting? I think it's implied that people who have cheated, act stupidly, selfishly, all the "ly" adjectives you can thing of....but the reasons that lead you to act that way is what this thread is about. At least that is how I interpret it. And yes it would be boring to read a bunch of posts saying over and over "I made a mistake, I was selfish" I would still want to know "but why, why did you act like that in that particular time, why did you act out of character?" In a lot of cases engaging in an A IS acting out of character, so to see what lead people down that path, IS important. Hence this thread.
whirlwinds_sister Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 In some respects yes the A only compounds the problems of an already sick marriage. However some relationships do form from ties that were catalysts to a break up. For instance, if I look at all the reasons why women cheat as posted on this thread the overall commonality I see is that one way or another both partners have abandoned the rel emotionally a long time before the A even occurs. If you abandon someone emotionally and even physically but are still legally bound to them by a certificate, are you not still committing the act of abadonment? So in theory a person is alone. To me abandoning your spouse emotionally or being abandoned is already breaking your matrimonial agreement. People really seem to forget that small but very significant detail when they blame the "outsiders" for the demise of their matrimony. Perfectly stated TC. This was the reality in mine and I found out later in the OM's too. The fact that people cling to relationships like that either speaks to their eternal optmism and hope or utter despair. I'm not sure which and maybe a little of both.
Tomcat33 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Of course this is true, as I know of one such myself. But I know far more relationships where the relationship did not break up, but rather the marriage continued. Had the affair not occurred, the marriage would almost have undoubtedly healed, as the people truly loved one another. Theory is theory and reality is reality. They aren't alone. If the married person is separated and living alone, that's one thing. But usually that is NOT the case. Usually the married person is sneaking around getting some excitement into their life, or some anger assuaged, or their ego stroked. The OP knows their affair partner is married and is willing to begin a relationship anyway. (Agreed, sometimes the OP doesn't know, and gets blindsided after the fact, but if they stay in the relationship AFTER they know, at that point, IMHO they are as fully culpable as the MP) There is abandonment, and there is daily living. True abandonment is one thing, but it is very rare. What most of the people on this thread have been talking about is not abandonment, but carelessness. Letting daily life get in the way of what is truly important. Our employers always want us to view our jobs as more important than our families, too often we get caught up in the belief that the career MUST come first. That we are doing it FOR our families, they will understand. . . But usually the marriage does not die. It goes on--after a lot more pain then was necessary. The husband and wife continue on together, and the OP alone. What the outsiders are blamed for is the additional amount of pain that they must now go through when usually they were ALREADY in a fair amount of pain. They blame the outsiders because the outsiders are not part of their unit. Any affair has three guilty parties. The BS is usually guilty of not paying enough attention to the spouse. Their guilt usually is guilt of neglect, though sometimes, it's actually guilt of abuse and neglect. The WS is guilty of cheating their spouse of the love, time and attention they should be paying them instead of another person, not letting the spouse know how badly they are feeling. They are also usually guilty of lying to another party. The OP is guilty of theft. Theft of time and emotions that belong to someone else. Most OP I've known say NO, it was time and emotions freely given. But if the OP knows the OP is married, it is different in my opinion. It's a stretch, but if you think of it like you're walking down the street and this cute dog comes up to you and jumps up on you wagging his tail and licking your face. You really like the dog, and it's obvious that he really likes you too. So even though he's got a collar on, with his license and name and address, you take him home with you. You've stolen the dog. He freely came. He "loved" you. But he wasn't your dog. OK...... WAAAYYYYY Off the thread. Sorry. I am only going to answer this whole post with one sentence and this is what I truly believe: If you are involved with someone and you fall in love with someone else, if your heart is open to loving someone else you are emotionally available.
Tomcat33 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Perfectly stated TC. This was the reality in mine and I found out later in the OM's too. The fact that people cling to relationships like that either speaks to their eternal optmism and hope or utter despair. I'm not sure which and maybe a little of both. It's a reality that is true to a LOT of As. And I especially liked your choice in words re. how people "cling" to relationships that is also very true. All those A that the people who claim they cannot get out of the marriage because of the children because they just can't abandon the family etc..and are unhappy, they are all clingers. I've had enough experience in relationships to understand that rels can become distant, you can drift in opposite directions at times...the question is how far you allow it to drift. And how long you choose to cling on to that state doing nothing about it.
silktricks Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I am only going to answer this whole post with one sentence and this is what I truly believe: If you are involved with someone and you fall in love with someone else, if your heart is open to loving someone else you are emotionally available. But D-Day happens, the OP gets thrown out, and the MP goes on with their spouse. How emotionally available were you really?
Tomcat33 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 But D-Day happens, the OP gets thrown out, and the MP goes on with their spouse. How emotionally available were you really? Emotionally and physically available enough to engage in an extended relationship (sometimes years) with another person, offering them love, affection, emotional and spirituatl support, sexuality and most importantly time that was supposed to be allocated to the spouse. If you are just after sexual fling with a new person you don't devote all of this on someone else. You just don't.
silktricks Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 What I said in another conversation is out of context in this thread it was about the types of men who speak ill words of the OW after they are done with them. I would welcome reasons why men cheat good or bad, even if I disagree with ALL reasons, but what I was discussing in the other thread was a totally different thing and really has nothing to do with this discussion. . Actually your response Can you blame the OW for having ill feelings towards the cheaters that come on here to the OW/OM support forum? The cheater is the true culprit in misleading both women, the partner and the OW. was in reply to this statement from WWIU I've seen afew MM post here on LS, and they've become moving targets...Like all the OW ganged up and poured their anger out on him - though your response included discussion of men who speak ill of the OW after they break up, that was not what WWIU's original statement was about. It was simply about the fact that the few MM who do post on LS get slammed. Probably because, as I stated earlier, they are not saying what you want to hear. . . enjoy.
Tomcat33 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 In a healthy marriage a spouse doesn't spend extended periods of times away from the home unit, actually let me rephrase, the problems set in the spouses do start spending extended periods of times on their own and this leads into the A situation. The wedge is already there before the A even happens. A healthy relationship is one that can foresee the wedge and prevent it from setting in leaving no room for external interruptions. A healthy rel is not one without problems, it is one that is determined to work on them rather than hope time will change them. Both parties have to be conscious of this and they must be determined to bring the situation around. But what often happens is one person is determined and the other isn't responding or neither is even trying, then instead of taking action and saying "ok either we fix it or we end it" they throw in the towel and accept that situation over having to terminate the m/rel. Next thing you know the wedge is so big that it takes an outside party to get a desperate reaction from both sides, which should have been taken before the external party was even in the picture. So who is the problem here the third party or the two participants who let the situation slide out of their hands until it hit point critical?
silktricks Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 So who is the problem here the third party or the two participants who let the situation slide out of their hands until it hit point critical? As I said before, it's all 3.
Tomcat33 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I disagree all three are the problem. I think the two people who are in the rel. are the problem and that is what leads people to As. OW/OM is not what leads people to As. The very reasons that are stated in this thread is what leads people to cheat. I just find it interesting to see that when it's women cheating it's the H who had something to do with it, in all cases of course it did. When a man cheats, it's he's a cakeeater and he is immature and looking for excitement because his W could do no wrong, and the OW was the evil wrong-doer. Granted in some extreme cases there are those temptress types that are out to seduce taken guys, or thrill seeking peopoe who seek out an A but for the most part I would dare to say that it happens unpredictably to people in rels. that are vulnerable. I won't go into the whole why people throw their OW/Om under the bus once D-DAy happens..but I'll just say that there are a lot if "interests" at stake. Marriage is a business of sorts. As per the quote from the other thread I already stated my point on that so i will no longer be responding to that, it's irrelevant to this discussion so you might as well stop talking about that other thread because i will not respond here. You are welcome to take out a new thread and I will gladly respond any of the questions there. I don't want to be dinged for breaking forum rules. k?
whirlwinds_sister Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 It's a reality that is true to a LOT of As. And I especially liked your choice in words re. how people "cling" to relationships that is also very true. All those A that the people who claim they cannot get out of the marriage because of the children because they just can't abandon the family etc..and are unhappy, they are all clingers. I've had enough experience in relationships to understand that rels can become distant, you can drift in opposite directions at times...the question is how far you allow it to drift. And how long you choose to cling on to that state doing nothing about it. Yes, as have I. My H was not my first relationship and apparently not my last either given what happened. As a clinger who incidentally got involved with another clinger, I can tell you 'we' tend to operate on this 'the devil that you know' operandi. Paralyzed of what change will bring. Incidentally, I think that we are both 'clingers' is why he and I stayed friends for so long after too.
whirlwinds_sister Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I know how you feel.At one point I would constantly comtemplate ending my life too. One should not go tru life like that. I am happy that you found strengh and hope things work for you and your H. If it dosen't just move on. I did I am happy now withoit my exH around. But good luck for you. Thank you and fwiw, I will not let it back me into an emotional corner this time. I plan to divorce if our attempt to reconcile is not successful. I don't keep it at the forefront of my mind, but I will not be relegated to despair and potentially linking back up with the OM again for solace.
GregsBad Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Very interesting post read the entire thread! I would love to see what the men's reasons would be but clearly the women on LS outnumber the men...having said that.. My observation: It appears that when women cheat the H had a lot to do with the deterioration of the marriage hence the affair happens (as any person in their right mind would suspect, afterall it is TWO people engaging in a rel). But when OW post about their experiences in their As I tend to see a lot of accusations implying that OW destroy marriages that are not in all that bad of shape or that they are out to get happily married guys!?! Basically the idea that women cheat for emotional reasons and men just for sex is the idea that seems to be perpetuated from preconcieved notions. Somehow the wife is always in ther right!?!? As I said, it's only my observation. Though I do not have experience cheating on a partner, I can totally see why some people become vulnerable to As. Yes! Very interesting! I want to say something that might appear patronizing to the femals. But I mean what I say here and it's based on signifigant experience with knowing many couples. I think most women who cheat have more understandable reasons for it than men. OK - please spare me the canned objection, "There is no justification for cheating". I already know that! But there ARE reasons that are at least understandable, and there are cheaters who, in my estimation, are still very fine people. I know some male cheaters and I know some female cheaters. IMO - Most of the male cheaters are know are not as well intentioned as the female cheaters I know.
GregsBad Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 And yes it would be boring to read a bunch of posts saying over and over "I made a mistake, I was selfish" I would still want to know "but why, why did you act like that in that particular time, why did you act out of character?" In a lot of cases engaging in an A IS acting out of character, so to see what lead people down that path, IS important. Hence this thread. Thanks again Tomcat ... I agree. Yes we all know cheating is wrong. But, like you, I really want to understand the reasons too. It's VERY important. And if I ever get married again, I'd like to know as much as possible, anything I can learn, so my wife will be happy and fullfilled ... with me! Ooops! Did I just imply that if my future wife cheats it might somehow be partially my fault? I think I'm not supposed to say that here.
GregsBad Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 In some respects yes the A only compounds the problems of an already sick marriage. However some relationships do form from ties that were catalysts to a break up. For instance, if I look at all the reasons why women cheat as posted on this thread the overall commonality I see is that one way or another both partners have abandoned the rel emotionally a long time before the A even occurs. If you abandon someone emotionally and even physically but are still legally bound to them by a certificate, are you not still committing the act of abadonment? So in theory a person is alone. To me abandoning your spouse emotionally or being abandoned is already breaking your matrimonial agreement. People really seem to forget that small but very significant detail when they blame the "outsiders" for the demise of their matrimony. Tomcat, Once again, thanks for this. I agree that "abandoning your spouse emotionally or being abandoned is already breaking your matrimonial agreement." In the U.S. anyway, the vows usually cover this. Both parties vow to love, honor, cherish and so forth. Anyway -if a wife or husband neglects the spouse enough ... something else will go wrong. If you don't love her, your best friend will.
Tomcat33 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Tomcat, Once again, thanks for this. I agree that "abandoning your spouse emotionally or being abandoned is already breaking your matrimonial agreement." In the U.S. anyway, the vows usually cover this. Both parties vow to love, honor, cherish and so forth. Anyway -if a wife or husband neglects the spouse enough ... something else will go wrong. If you don't love her, your best friend will. You're welcome, you're welcome and you're welcome GB (that was for all three posts) We tend to devote all of our focus on the act of cheating as breaking a vow, and we feel the most moved through that act because it attacks the most fragile part of our beings, our EGOS, our sense of possesion. When a person abandons another, be it emotionally or physically (withholding sex and affection) after agreeing to be there for them through good and bad we are commiting just as big an act than that of cheating. We don't categroize the two in the same caliber because the latter doesn't play with our sense of "possesion" the psychology behind it is sort of like "I know things are bad, and I know we have drifted apart, but as long as we are till together (side by side) we are managing. THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. If you give up on your best friend chances are another person can offer the friendship you once had, and what's to keep them from trading you in for a more devoted friend? I think most women who cheat have more understandable reasons for it than men. It is a little bit of a generaliztion but it does appear that way doesn't it? I think maybe women are better at voicing the reasons and recognizing them then men are. But I can tell you this much both men and women feel the same, if one side of the partnership is feeling neglected or like the connection is broken, chances are the other side is feeling it too. The fact that one knows how to express it and the other has a hard time doing so is more gender driven, but that they both feel they both do.
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