Topper Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I am asking just to find out what motivates a wife to cheat? Why do some wives find it necessary to step outside of their marriage? How long were you married before you started looking around. Was it for sexual gratification or something else? I hope this does not become a thread bashing woman who have cheated or or thinking about cheating. I would like to get some honest replies.
quankanne Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 am theorizing here, but as a woman committed to my marriage, I'm pretty sure that the one thing that would induce me to cheat would be if I felt the other man was offering me something that my husband wasn't – like undivided attention/affection or frank sexual appreciation. Because cheating is a selfish desire to have a specific "need" fulfilled, and in a marriage, a spouse can start feeling underappreciated ... it's when he or she thinks another person is going to fill that need that cheating becomes a viable option.
scaredinlove Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 In my case I was in a very unhappy marriage, and I felt that my exH didn't care about me and my kids only for himself. I felt unaprecited and used , he was abusive too. i tried to leave the mriiage but he would become violent everytime I talked about separation. I meet the OP at work he was very attentive and I felt loved and appreciated. We were friends for over a yr before we become lovers. The ffair gave the strengh I needed to end a hopless situation. In my case was more a emotional need, and for what I read about unfaitifull wives, the woman usually will stray because of her emotional needs not being met.
Meaplus3 Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I am asking just to find out what motivates a wife to cheat? Why do some wives find it necessary to step outside of their marriage? How long were you married before you started looking around. Was it for sexual gratification or something else? I hope this does not become a thread bashing woman who have cheated or or thinking about cheating. I would like to get some honest replies. A Friendship with Chemistry and a strong Emotional attachment is what lead to my ea. I 'm sure I fell into it because of the unhappy state of my marriage at the time. AP:)
Author Topper Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 What was the Unhappy state of your marriage?
whirlwinds_sister Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Only speaking for myself, the loneliness and rejection from my H wore me down after years of it and trying, trying, trying to make things better with him not ever working with me. I'd fallen into a deep depression and I felt so unattractive. From the #'s I've seen too it is hard for many women to understand because they are used to rejecting H's and them initiating sx...that wasn't my case. I constantly initiated and he was always disinterested. When I finally broke down and the A happened, he had disconnected emotionally from me too. It felt so good to be desired and realize I was an attractive woman. I can't tell you the hurt as a woman to be rejected by your H...it is devastating, particularly if your background was as a father rejecting you(obviously different dynamic, but your life starts to become about seeking male affirmation and love). I had even contemplated ending my life and finally decided to seperate and then the A happened...I call it that because we were still M. It was not some 'selfish' need unless other women would find it acceptable to tolerate a man who never touched you even affectionately and all but ignored you. At our worst, we has sx maybe 10 times in the worst year...to me that is a totally unacceptable marriage relationship and when it was coupled with the emotional distance...well, you can imagine. We are repairing things, but I can tell you, it is an effort for him which does scare me that long term it may not work. But I am trying because my dream was married forever to one person. It was his too and he says he still loves me something awful. I know some people see no positives in an A, but for me when the pain subsided it gave me the power to change things in my life and to demand better in everything I do, but also to value the things I do have. It also gave me the reassurance that if things don't work out that *gasp* I am attractive and will probably not be lonely forever.
whirlwinds_sister Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 In my case I was in a very unhappy marriage, and I felt that my exH didn't care about me and my kids only for himself. I felt unaprecited and used , he was abusive too. i tried to leave the mriiage but he would become violent everytime I talked about separation. I meet the OP at work he was very attentive and I felt loved and appreciated. We were friends for over a yr before we become lovers. The ffair gave the strengh I needed to end a hopless situation. In my case was more a emotional need, and for what I read about unfaitifull wives, the woman usually will stray because of her emotional needs not being met. I very much agree and I find it interesting that your A gave you strength too. That is how it was for me as well. I changed a LOT about my life after it happened, especially when it did not work out between the OM and I. I realized in so many ways I'd become far too dependent on men for validation, but also realized at the same time that I was attractive and if things were trashed, then I would be able to move on. I also got a peek into someone else's life and that sometimes has a sobering effect on how you see your own situation. Although the H does not know details, it was a wake up call for him that his neglect was killing me. I didn't want to leave him, but he insisted on pushing me out the door. He is working to correct that and I am working on my issues as well.
Jinxx Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 There are too many reasons to list however, one huge issue was that I found myself not attracted to my husband after he gained a signifcant amount of weight and wouldn't do anything about it.
EnigmasMuse Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I haven't cheated before, and there might would be several reasons depending on the situation, as to why I might would even consider it. However, I guess the main one would be, not having my emotional needs met. And actually, I didn't have my emotional needs met when I was married, and I tried to talk with my then husband about it. So I guess its more of a choice than anything, I didn't have mine met and I still didn't cheat. Its just not something I feel I could have done, even though it crossed my mind.
directx Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 There are too many reasons to list however, one huge issue was that I found myself not attracted to my husband after he gained a signifcant amount of weight and wouldn't do anything about it. I can relate to that. It sucks. I thought I was being shallow but physical attraction is part of attraction. It so easy to get interested in other people these days because of sites like these, where you can build an attraction via internet communication/mail
Meaplus3 Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 What was the Unhappy state of your marriage? Day to day Verbal abuse.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 A few reasons: 1. Because they are bored in their marriage, and want to feel sexy and wanted again. 2. They miss the thrill of that initial attraction and lust, the exploration process that comes with a new lover. 3. They miss what it feels like for a man to put on his "A" game in order to attract and seduce her. 4. They want to see if they are objectively attractive. 5. They want to put aside the roles of 'wife' and 'mother' to see if they are still attractive as just a 'woman'. ... and so on.
directx Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Day to day Verbal abuse. and don't let anyone think that is not a good reason. verbal abuse is brutal
Author Topper Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 So far the moralist have not jumped in here. I am seeing abuse used a lot . Was your affriar a type of revenge for the abuse?
Jinxx Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I can relate to that. It sucks. I thought I was being shallow but physical attraction is part of attraction. Absolutely you're not being shallow with respect to physical attraction. I take a lot of pride in the way I look. I am active and work out several times a week. I am also five years older than my husband and he looks ten years older than me. And you're right - it sucks big time. The sad thing is (well in my situation) is that they don't think they are fat. My husband thinks he looks "athletic" -- far from it.... very far from it.
whirlwinds_sister Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 So far the moralist have not jumped in here. I am seeing abuse used a lot . Was your affriar a type of revenge for the abuse? I don't know if I'd put neglect up there with abuse, but in my case it was not revenge, because I would never want to see my H devastated by this so I'll live with the guilt forever--no matter what he did to me, I think I was so low because I did then and still do love him desperately and because of that, I don't want him hurt and am ashamed of my behavior. It was more that I think looking back I had run out of options. I had no support, I was spiriling in a depression and nobody seemed to care. I reached out in desperation probably looking for some knight to save me when the knight I had at home didn't seem to care if I drowned in misery. I know it's corny...I was low at the time and it seems ridiculous to me now. Ultimately the A made me hit rock bottom and I knew I had to do something to change the desplorable person I felt I had become and that was looking at the mirror back at me.
scaredinlove Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Only speaking for myself, the loneliness and rejection from my H wore me down after years of it and trying, trying, trying to make things better with him not ever working with me. I'd fallen into a deep depression and I felt so unattractive. From the #'s I've seen too it is hard for many women to understand because they are used to rejecting H's and them initiating sx...that wasn't my case. I constantly initiated and he was always disinterested. When I finally broke down and the A happened, he had disconnected emotionally from me too. It felt so good to be desired and realize I was an attractive woman. I can't tell you the hurt as a woman to be rejected by your H...it is devastating, particularly if your background was as a father rejecting you(obviously different dynamic, but your life starts to become about seeking male affirmation and love). I had even contemplated ending my life and finally decided to seperate and then the A happened...I call it that because we were still M. It was not some 'selfish' need unless other women would find it acceptable to tolerate a man who never touched you even affectionately and all but ignored you. At our worst, we has sx maybe 10 times in the worst year...to me that is a totally unacceptable marriage relationship and when it was coupled with the emotional distance...well, you can imagine. We are repairing things, but I can tell you, it is an effort for him which does scare me that long term it may not work. But I am trying because my dream was married forever to one person. It was his too and he says he still loves me something awful. I know some people see no positives in an A, but for me when the pain subsided it gave me the power to change things in my life and to demand better in everything I do, but also to value the things I do have. It also gave me the reassurance that if things don't work out that *gasp* I am attractive and will probably not be lonely forever. I know how you feel.At one point I would constantly comtemplate ending my life too. One should not go tru life like that. I am happy that you found strengh and hope things work for you and your H. If it dosen't just move on. I did I am happy now withoit my exH around. But good luck for you.
Lizzie60 Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 The reason I think a woman would cheat: her marriage (or common-law relat.) has become routine, boring; she doesn't feel appreciated anymore; she doesn't love him anymore; her SO has changed dramatically physically, not attracted to him anymore; he is abusing; he is drinking; or have any other addiction; he lives as if he was single, therefore using her as his maid; not helping with the kids and the house, she gets tired to doing everything; they're not on the same page as far as finances go; she suspects he's cheating; she falls in love with another guy (even if her marriage is perfect). I never cheated but I feel 'out of love' with my first SO... I was bored to death with him. There could be sooo many reasons.
scaredinlove Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 So far the moralist have not jumped in here. I am seeing abuse used a lot . Was your affriar a type of revenge for the abuse? I don't know, I never tought of that these way. I did felt that since he did whatever he wanted and treat me they way he did justified nmy affair. You know wht you made think now........Maybe it was:confused: Mostly it was a way to cope .At certain point I had a kind of nerve break down, not to bad but I had to go counseling for a while. The therapist told me I used the OM as a confort. I remember when things would get to crazy at home I would leave and go to the OM...One day I just went to his office and sat there for the whole afternoon watching him work ( he was by himself) . Being aroud him made me feel happy, safe and at peace. ifelt he really cared for me. Sexually my exH desired me,but it wasn't good because i didn't want himm anymore, and he would only be nice to me when he wanted sex after he got it he was nasty again.
Can'tGiveUp Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Same reasons that a husband strays. Generally speaking, men and women have affairs for different reasons. Often women will have 'exit affairs' - don't quite have the guts to end the marriage so they have an affair to get caught and end it that way. I never had one, but certainly came close. But I had already left my M, emotionally, years before.
Meaplus3 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I am so confused! H told me today for the first time that he brought up my ea with his anger therapist. It was one of his "trigger Point's" for his verbal abuse. Would it be best for H and I to tell MM's W what has happened? I just don't know what to do , but feel like I am livinng on eggshells! AP
GreenEyedLady Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I am asking just to find out what motivates a wife to cheat? Why do some wives find it necessary to step outside of their marriage? How long were you married before you started looking around. Was it for sexual gratification or something else? I hope this does not become a thread bashing woman who have cheated or or thinking about cheating. I would like to get some honest replies. I never cheated...but by the time I left, if I hadn't left, I know I would have... Why? Because my XH was awful to me...we NEVER had sex unless it was duty sex (and had been months and I was asking WTF is going on?)...he was never at home...he told me every single day that I was nothing and no other man would ever want me (because I had kids)...we didn't sleep in the same bed for over 2 years...he was always with his best friend (the OM)...he never kissed me... But cheating would have been something that KILLED me...so instead I left because I knew that I deserved to be loved...But these are the things that make a person want someone else...and he was gay anyways...
GregsBad Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I appreciate this thread. Please keep these coming. I hope you don't mind a man butting in here. I'm still in love, as an OM, with my GF who I have finally managed to stop seeing. I believe she loves me. I have always tried to understand why she would let "us" even happen. I know why I let it happen, much like your replies, only I'm a man. These posts convince me even more that these things CAN happen, where a women is really a good person, but overwhelming needs just lead to her allowng things that she never would allow otherwise. I know I'm right about my GF, (exGF) she's a good person ... but dealt with the same things some of you women mentioned here. Then I came along. To AP: I'm learning more and more about what's causing you're grief. I don't know what to say ... except I'm so sorry ... I think you deserve better.
Trialbyfire Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 So far the moralist have not jumped in here. I am seeing abuse used a lot . Was your affriar a type of revenge for the abuse? You called? There's no excuse to cheat. Feel better now?
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