Leaving your wife.

[ARDriver01]

I’m thinking about leaving my wife today. I’m the victim of her irrational punishment for what she did to me a year ago, a week before my homecoming from the war.

 

She knew that I had watched porn during the last sexless three months and last night, she was drunk and laughing at me for it and asking how that’s going for me, and started asking me embarrassing details about what it’s like. She woke me up to show me a ridiculing message on the bathroom wall written in her blood. (She’s 24 yrs old)

 

She wants so bad to believe that I’m a scumbag. Knowing that would validate her behavior. She’s always trying to catch me at being a liar or a flirt. She’ll create a fight over talking to one of her girlfriends, imagining that we’re involved in some kind of wild flirting.

 

In four years, I’ve proven myself to be a stand-up guy and a more than faithful husband. I make one slip-up and she punishes me continually for it. She won’t let me sleep at night, she curses and whispers insults to me while I try to sleep. She finally found a flaw in me and she loves it. It absolutely stimulates her.

 

So, when is enough, enough??? How do I leave? What do I say? For some reason I still have feelings and I care about her. I don’t know if I even love her. I can’t bring myself to say “I don’t love you anymore, I want to leave now.” How does this work?

[curiousnycgirl]

I don't think there is any set script or step by step guide on how to end your marriage - would that be nice?

 

I think you need to just tell her this isn't working for you anymore and that you will be consulting an attorney to begin divorce proceedings. Or speak with an attorney and then tell her. If you are thinking of doing it without an attorney - do the research on what needs doing.

 

You will need to consider certain realities though. Does she work? If not you may have to support her for a while - both during and after the divorce until she gets a job.

 

I hope others who have been through this chime in - not sure I was much help. Good luck to you

[quankanne]

She woke me up to show me a ridiculing message on the bathroom wall written in her blood.

 

ugh ... this is pretty sickening. And mentally abusive.

 

there's no easy way to end a marriage, but you'll want to get your ducks in a row before presenting her with this information – I imagine the emotional abuse will escalate once she finds out you plan to leave her and she will do her best to thwart your plans.

 

do some research on spousal abuse and see what is recommended when you plan to leave the abuser – most of the material is written with women in mind, but it's becoming more common to see men on the receiving end of abuse.

[jmargel]

What she is doing is nothing but abuse. Sounds like she has mental problems and she is going to take this divorce hard. You can still love someone and still get divorced, it's just that you two are not compatible. Your best bet is to write her a letter, telling her how you are feeling, give it to her and walk away. Don't even stay around for her to read it. She'll just make fun of you more. Before giving it to her, make a copy of it for your own records. Then move your stuff out or have her move out.

 

She is very, very immature and sounds like her control and abusive behavior might be a results of insecurity. However we are not here to diagnose her, we are here to help you move on. I would also contact a counselor for yourself so you have someone else there for you.

 

Verbal and mental abuse is just as bad if not worse than physical abuse.

[RecordProducer]

The whole post sounds unfinished, vague, and obscure.

 

I’m the victim of her irrational punishment for what she did to me a year ago, a week before my homecoming from the war.

I was expecting to hear WHAT she did to you a year ago. The word "punishment" is pretty big so you must have done something big to evoke her to punish you.

 

She knew that I had watched porn during the last sexless three months and last night, she was drunk and laughing at me for it and asking how that’s going for me, and started asking me embarrassing details about what it’s like.

What's wrong with a woman asking her husband questions about his experience with porn? You said "embarassing" which sounds like you have some blockage related to sexual pleasure. I can't imagine feeling embarassed about anything related to sex when my husband is asking the questions. I might feel uncmfortable about certain answers, but that's it; it wouldn't be a big deal. It sounds like you are ashamed of your own actions.

 

Was the period sexless because you were apart?

She wants so bad to believe that I’m a scumbag. Knowing that would validate her behavior.

So she thinks that you're a scumbag, but you're certain that you're not. How does she behave and what would be the reason she behaves like that?

 

I make one slip-up and she punishes me continually for it.

What kind of slip-up?

 

She finally found a flaw in me and she loves it. It absolutely stimulates her.

 

What flaw? I think it's sickening that you state that she "loves" it and it "stimulates her." Perhaps being in war conditions for a while gave you the impression that people love to hurt and abuse others so you're projecting your new discoveries on your wife.

 

So, when is enough, enough??? How do I leave? What do I say? For some reason I still have feelings and I care about her. I don’t know if I even love her. I can’t bring myself to say “I don’t love you anymore, I want to leave now.” How does this work?

You don't sound determined to get divorced. Why not try marriage counseling? Your unarticulate explanation of why you want to leave and what's going on brings a thought that there are many things that you're not aware of or don't want to admit.

[ARDriver01]

1. A year ago, I was deployed, my wife had an affair with a 17 yr old from our church group. I did nothing to provoke her other doing my job. She punishes me verbally and psychologically due to her own defenses of guilt and insecurity. "I'll get mad first before you do" kinda thing..... Get It?

 

2. She wasn't asking me about the porn, she was ridiculing me and laughing at me for it. Yes I'm ashamed for watching porn. My wife wont have sex with me. Ever. Tried and Denied every f**ing time. "Blockage related to sexual pleasure" Are you a doctor?

 

3. I am not a scumbag. I'm a good, faithful, caring and providing husband. I am so good to her. Everybody, her friends and mine tell me how good of a person/husband I am. If you knew me personally you would agree fully. Like I said; she is hyper defensive over what she did. The weird thing is: I never talk about it or bring it up and I haven't in like eight months. What would be the point of that?

 

4. Slip-up + Flaw = watching porn. slip-up. That's my slip-up, my flaw. Did you read the thread before taking quotes and comenting on them?

 

5. "You f**ing dick, how was it? We're they blonde? Ooo yeah, I want to watch it! Lets watch it together! Ha Ha Ha Ha!" While I'm sitting trying not to loose it and shameful rage defines me physically, " Ooo yeah, get mad, I love it, say something back, come on! Say something! I need it!" Thhhhhhatz what she said to me. Is it hard to believe that someone could actually be diabolic and cruel?

 

6. We are going to counseling. It goes well but turns to sh*t randomly. I have quite the open perspective of whats happening in my marraige. I'm not naive in anyway. I know a little too much actually.

 

Thank you for taking the time to post anything at all. I do appreciate it. Please give advise, don't assume ,and be nice over all. I came to this place for insight and help. Not to be invalidated.

[ARDriver01]

1. A year ago, I was deployed, my wife had an affair with a 17 yr old from our church group. I did nothing to provoke her other doing my job. She punishes me verbally and psychologically due to her own defenses of guilt, insecurity. "I'll get mad first before you do" kinda thing..... Get It?

 

2. She wasn't asking me about the porn, she was ridiculing me and laughing at me for it. Yes I'm ashamed for watching porn. My wife wont have sex with me. Ever. Tried and Denied every f**ing time. "Blockage related to sexual pleasure" Are you a doctor?

 

3. I am not a scumbag. I'm a good, faithful, caring and providing husband. I am so good to her. Everybody, her friends and mine tell me how good of a person/husband. If you knew me personally you would agree fully. Like I said; she is hyper defensive over what she did. The weird thing is: I never talk about it or bring it up and I haven't in like eight months. What would be the point of that?

 

4. Slip-up + Flaw = watching porn.slip-up. That's my slip-ip, my flaw. Did you read the thread before taking quotes and comenting on them?

 

5. "You f**ing dick, how was it? We're they blonde? Ooo yeah, I want to watch it! Lets watch it together! Ha Ha Ha Ha!" While I'm sitting trying not to loose it and shameful rage defines me physically, " Ooo yeah, get mad, I love it, say something back, come on! Say something! I need it!" Thhhhhhatz what she said to me. Is it hard to believe that someone could actually be diabolic and cruel?

 

6. We are going to counseling. It goes well but turns to sh*t randomly. I have quite the open perspective of whats happening in my marraige. I'm not naive in anyway. I know a little too much actually.

 

Thank you for taking the time to post anything at all. I do appreciate it. Please give advise, don't assume ,and be nice over all. I came to this place for insight and help. Not invalidated.

[Darth Vader]

First off, lose this weird chic! Second, she's accuseing you of cheating with her friends? I'll say she may be still cheating, because cheaters accuse the BS all the time while they're cheating. Do you suspect her of cheating? I don't know why you took her back after the first time, time to divorce her. I don't care how hard she takes it, she did it, now she can live with it!

[Trialbyfire]

The writing on the wall is the appropriate phrase for your marriage. Get out, she's completely whacked for sleeping with a minor and mentally abusing you for a year.

 

One cautionary. Has she been checked for behavioural issues? These might be symptoms of a serious mental disorder, one that might be treatable.

[RecordProducer]

Thank you for taking the time to post anything at all. I do appreciate it. Please give advise, don't assume ,and be nice over all. I came to this place for insight and help. Not to be invalidated.

OK, now you explained things! Thanks and sorry. If you're going to post on LS, get used to interrogation, false assumptions, harshness, you name it...

 

Let's see: an affair with a 17-year old, no sex, you argue a lot, you feel like you're good to her and she is mean to you... sounds like you're not a match. Without even going into whose fault everything is (sounds like it IS her fault), you seem extremely unhappy in this marriage. I assume you're young, you don't have children with her, so divorce should be easy. Go see an attorney and have him draw the divorce papers. If she contests the divorce, you can still legally separate and after a certain period of time, depending on the state you're in, you will be legally divorced.

 

Marriage counseling might help, but you would both have to put a lot of effort and the counselor has to be excellent in order to be able to help.

 

P.S. There is nothing wrong with watching porn in a sexless marriage. No need to feel ashamed.

[jmargel]

RP you were pretty hard on him for really no reason. Don't assume all men are jerks from the start.

 

ARDriver, the main root of the problem here is your wife's immaturity. This shows in the cheating and the abusive behavior she has shown to you. Good chance she was raised like this and unfortunetly it gets passed onto the person they are closest with.

 

We don't know what is going through her head but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. At some point you have to ask yourself 'What are you getting out of this marriage?'. You don't get bonus points in heaven by staying with someone who disrespects you or does not show you love. What you described your marriage, is not a normal one. This is not what marriage is about. You cannot be her counselor and husband at the same time. Trust me, it doesn't work. At some point in time you have to stop analyzing everything and realize that your marriage, your life is not a psychology experiment.

 

She needs more than marriage counseling. She needs to see a psychologist and I would hope you can talk to your MC by yourself and asking them to talk to her about this possibility. When we were in MC our counselor was wise enough to tell my wife that she was not equipped to deal with the things she has gone through and that her best option was to see a psychologist. It didn't happen and I am still dealing with these problems today. It's down to the point that if they don't want to help themselves then it's best to just walk away, no matter how much you love them. They might see it as a betrayal or giving up on them, however you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

 

Marriage is a 100/100 partnership and right now she is acting like the teenager while you are acting like the father. Marriages don't work when the roles are defined like that. She needs to step up and become an adult so that you can step down from the parent role.

 

Though you might talk tough with her, she has not faced any consequences. So what do you think a spoiled rotten teenager will do? Just keep doing things because they know nothing will happen to them. Now is the time for action, tough love is what is needed here.

 

You also need to start thinking about yourself and what will make you happy. You told us you were going to end things with her last night. Did you?

[ARDriver01]

No, I didn't leave last night. I don't know why. She called and apoplogized, she begged me not to leave and promised to change and go to her therapy. I scheduled an appt two weeks ago with a Dialectic Behavioral Therapist for her BPD. Thats advise that came from this site. So that's cool. (Boarderline Personality Disorder) I know... new news for everybody on this thread. I apologize.

 

I woke up because my arm was soaking wet with her tears and she was full on sobbing (quietly, as not to wake me) next to me. I guess she genuinely feels pretty sh*ty about the whole thing. I don't know man, I'm still really confused about everything.

[Darth Vader]

No, I didn't leave last night. I don't know why. She called and apoplogized, she begged me not to leave and promised to change and go to her therapy. I scheduled an appt two weeks ago with a Dialectic Behavioral Therapist for her BPD. Thats advise that came from this site. So that's cool. (Boarderline Personality Disorder) I know... new news for everybody on this thread. I apologize.

 

I woke up because my arm was soaking wet with her tears and she was full on sobbing (quietly, as not to wake me) next to me. I guess she genuinely feels pretty sh*ty about the whole thing. I don't know man, I'm still really confused about everything.

 

 

I wouldn't fall for it, sounds like she's pulling Bullcrap on ya. I still suggest that you lose her, for your own sake, and peace of mind. I would wonder why the sudden change in her demeanor? Convenience?

[socialight]

for "in sickness and in health". at least most people do. ANyway, mental illness is part of sickness. You owe it to yourself, her, and families involved to be able to say you have done EVERYTHING to make it work. You are not even close to that. Counseling and medical treatment are your first and second steps.

[RecordProducer]

RP you were pretty hard on him for really no reason. Don't assume all men are jerks from the start.

So if I thought that his post was too vague and weird, I assume that all men are jerks?!

 

If you say that Jennie is stupid and she happens to be blond, does that mean that all blonds are stupid?

[RecordProducer]

for "in sickness and in health". at least most people do. ANyway, mental illness is part of sickness. You owe it to yourself, her, and families involved to be able to say you have done EVERYTHING to make it work. You are not even close to that. Counseling and medical treatment are your first and second steps.

When you know for sure that something won't work, you don't owe anyone to waste your precious time. With that philosophy, people stay together too long, children come, they get older... and before you know you've screwed up your life. It's easier for everyone to cut it after a few years and move on.

[Curmudgeon]

When you know for sure that something won't work, you don't owe anyone to waste your precious time. With that philosophy, people stay together too long, children come, they get older... and before you know you've screwed up your life. It's easier for everyone to cut it after a few years and move on.

 

...with that philosophy people should just bail at the first sign of a mental disorder, debilitating illness or terminal condition.

 

You don't know anything for sure until you've left no stone unturned trying to fix it or at least make it better.

 

There is no "fix" for a personality or character disorder such as borderline or narcissistic, anymore than there's a "fix" for a brain chemistry disorder such as bipolar or schizophrenia. However, there is treatment for all of them be it therapy, psychotropic medications or a combination of the two.

 

But, hey. Why bother. Just cut your losses and never look back, right?

 

Certainly glad I haven't followed that advice!

[Trialbyfire]

...with that philosophy people should just bail at the first sign of a mental disorder, debilitating illness or terminal condition.

 

You don't know anything for sure until you've left no stone unturned trying to fix it or at least make it better.

 

There is no "fix" for a personality or character disorder such as borderline or narcissistic, anymore than there's a "fix" for a brain chemistry disorder such as bipolar or schizophrenia. However, there is treatment for all of them be it therapy, psychotropic medications or a combination of the two.

 

But, hey. Why bother. Just cut your losses and never look back, right?

 

Certainly glad I haven't followed that advice!

While I agree with a lot of what you normally advise, don't even go there with NPD. The institution of marriage is not worth contracting HIVs over. The individual has got to admit and want help, before anyone can help them...

[Curmudgeon]

While I agree with a lot of what you normally advise, don't even go there with NPD. The institution of marriage is not worth contracting HIVs over. The individual has got to admit and want help, before anyone can help them...

 

No real or sustainable argument here. The ex is NPD which I finally realized during the course of the divorce. I guess I was just too close to it to recognize it for what it was for 25 years. She'll never seek help because she doesn't need it. It's the rest of the world that's out of whack, myself most definitely included. In fact, in the "needing help" department, I'm the leader of the pack.

 

So tell me again why I'm happy and successful and she has to live with one of our children and has nothing.

 

All that being said, however, had I recognized it earlier I would have pushed for therapy for her. Of course, she wouldn't ever have admitted she needed it. But I would have tried.

 

No regrets regardless!

[Trialbyfire]

No argument here. The ex is NPD which I finally realized during the course of the divorce. I guess I was just too close to it to recognize it for what it was for 25 years. She'll never seek help because she doesn't need it. It's the rest of the world that's out of whack, myself most definitely included. In fact, in the "needing help" department, I'm the leader of the pack.

 

So tell me again why I'm happy and successful and she has to live with one of our children and has nothing.

Once again, we agree.

 

I'm now mostly happy, still working on that aspect though, doing well otherwise and he's lost his job, lost all his close friends and is living in his own hell. But of course, he needs no professional help and it's everyone else's fault.

[Reckless]

She woke me up to show me a ridiculing message on the bathroom wall written in her blood.

 

Your wife suffering from a mental illness. The strain can be terrible but first of is to get her mental health assesed as you have planned. Whether you can continue to bear up until she becomes more stable is up to you but as someone said, marriage is for the "sick" periods too... hopefully with help and the right meds things will improve for you both...

[RecordProducer]

...But, hey. Why bother. Just cut your losses and never look back, right?

 

Certainly glad I haven't followed that advice!

But are you glad that you lived with your ex miserably for many years when you could have divorced her earlier?

 

Let's not forget that this woman was diagnosed mental illness by Loveshack "experts."

 

I don't see any reason why people should try to work things out in short marriages with no children. If you dated someone for 5 years and things were bad, you wouldn't marry them, right? So how does the paper change things? By forcing you to stay in a bad marriage?

 

Telling someone to stay and try to work things out carries as much responsibility as telling them to get divorced. Moreover, if people divorce and they WERE meant for each other, they will connect again. But if people stay together for nothing or divorce after many years of misery, they have wasted many years, if not a whole life. Two lives.

[jmargel]

Well telling us she has BPD is a big thing. If I was in your situation my advice would be to sit down with her and talk to her. We can't tell you what to do since it's your life but I would be the type to tell her that you are willing to stay in this marriage provided that she continues to get counseling and work on herself and the marriage. That she needs to put forth an continuing effort to stop this abuse and to help herself.

 

Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they realize where they are exactly in life. Give her the benefit of the doubt and as long as she wants to help better herself and the marriage then there is really nothing more you can ask from her. She won't get better overnight, it will take months, years. However that is what love is about. You will have to be very strong while she tries to get herself better, it's a commitment.

[Reckless]

Let's not forget that this woman was diagnosed mental illness by Loveshack "experts."

 

I scheduled an appt two weeks ago with a Dialectic Behavioral Therapist for her BPD.

 

It's always a good idea to read posts carefully before making comments.

 

Regards,

Reckless

 

"Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity.")

 

NIMH(National Institute of Mental Health

[RecordProducer]

Oh, I didn't read that post where he mentions BPD. Reckless, I have other things in my life and I certainly won't take your advice to read "all the posts" before replying. If I make a mistake, you, who read all the posts, let me know. Thanks.

 

Curmudgeon, it's nice to help a person with a mental disease, but it's also OK to leave. I know people who have sacrificed (for some reason they were all women) and they lost a lot in their lives. My husband's first wife is bipolar and they got divorced after 14 months, although at the time he didn't know she was ill, BUT the marriage counselor suggested that she might be. With time, he figured she really was, but it's only his diagnosis. She never went to a psychiatrist, as much as he knows (which might not be true).

 

I've heard her on the phone, she is a complete psycho and I can't imagine my husband wasting his life with a woman like her. She is also a drug addict. They are still friends and he feels sorry for her, but I think he did the right thing for himself.

 

Would you want your son or daughter or sibling to deal with it forever? If one has to sacrifice, why does it have to be the healthy one?