Cant cope with this....

[Sad_fed_up]

Can anyone give me some advice on my sitation as i really am feelin devastated and cannot cope with the overwhelming feelings i hav rite now...

 

Sorry bit of a long story...

 

Whats happened is that about 2 months ago i jut got out of a 3 year relationship, which was an abusive one and it took me 2 years 2 get the courage 2 end it as i felt i couldnt cope on my own. Wel i actually coped pretty well and i was feelin better than i hav in years. I started chatting with people on the internet and got talkin 2 this 1 man and we just clicked. He is 22, same age as me. He had recently split from his girlfriend of 5 years, and they have 2 kids together, 2 boys, 1 aged 2 1/2 and the other 10 months, but he assured me they were completely over. Anyway, we chatted for a couple of weeks and then aranged 2 meet up. So i met him just over 2 wks after my other relationship split, which i no is very soon but i felt i wanted 2 get back out there in the dating world if u no wat i mean.

 

The night we met, things moved very quickly, he came straight 2 my house 4 a start (again i no not the best idea) and after half an hour we ended up having sex, and it went on all night, and he kept cuddling me and sayin he really liked me etc, and i thought he was amazing. The next mornin, i said he shud go and he asked if i wanted 2 c him again, and so i sed i wud like that. So that night he came round again, but we actually sat and talked 4 hours before anythin happened. Then the next day he came round and we sat up the whole nite talking and we both agreed that we had this amazing bond, like we just got on so so wel, there was far more to it than just the sex basically.

 

Anyway 4 almost the first 2 weeks we spent most nights 2gether, he didnt stay every night but we met up every night, and every second we spent 2gether was just great. We also started going out places, like 2 pubs, getting somethin 2 eat , that kind of thing. Anyway, about 2 weeks after meeting him, we were sat one night eating and he told me that he felt he was falling inlove with me, and even tho i was really shocked and speechless, i felt so happy as he made me feel so warm and amazing wen we were together.

 

But then his ex found out about us, and it all started 2 go wrong. She began foning him all the time sayin she wanted 2 kill herself as he was with me, and that she was gonna take the kids with her, so obviously he was getting really worried and kept having 2 go 2 her house and make sure she was ok, which ruined a lot of the time we spent 2gether. But he assured me that altho he wud always love her (as shes the mother of his kids) that he didnt want 2 b with her at all and he wud not get back with her, regardless of wat happened with us.

 

3 weeks after we met, it was a sunday and we went for a meal together, and literally the second it finished he sed he had 2 go pick up his kids and that he wud see me later that day. So i went home and waited. Anyway i didnt hear from him all night, and then at about 11pm , he foned me and asked if i had called his ex and told her everything, and i said no but i cud hear her in the background shouting at me and saying he wanted her and was just using me and that they had just slept 2gether. He said she was drunk and trying 2 cause trouble, and i believed him. Anyway then the next day he wudnt answer my calls and i started 2 think she was telling the truth. I sat there all day feelin so unhappy and sick inside as i thought what have i done wrong 2 make him go back 2 her and why has he done this 2 me etc etc....

 

Wel i didnt see him or spk 2 him that day, but the next day he called and asked me 2 meet him in town, so i went, and he told me he had slept with her once but it made him realise that he really did not want her and made him more sure about us. I was gutted obviously, but i agreed to let it go as he sed that now she knew everything , she knew we were in a relationship etc... but over the next few days i saw him less and less and wen we were together he wasnt as loving 2wards me as he had been b4. Then a week ago, he had arranged 2 spend the nite here but all of a sudden he said he had 2 c his mates, and i just knew he was goin 2 c his ex. But he denied it and we sort of argued and i started crying, and i sed 2 him that if he wanted her 2 just end this as it was hurtin me 2 much, but he kept sayin he just had 2 c his mates. Anyway, she starts fonin him, and he didnt no that i cud hear wat she was sayin, but she was like 'u sed u wud b here 2nite, u sed u had ended it with her, wats goin on, i need u hear etc etc, and so i confronted him about what i had heard and he sed he was thinkin about giving their relationship another go, but he had now decided that he wudnt, so he stayed here that nite and turned his fone off.

 

Wel the next day she called again and sed she was goin 2 stay at her friends and needed him 2 stay there and look after the kids 4 a few days, but i wasnt allowed near them (which i thought was fair enuf, i mean we havnt been 2gether long enuf 4 me 2 meet his kids) But i was really upset that he had 2 go and that i wudnt c him 4 a while. wel anyway this is all what he told me, i didnt hear her say it. So he left here and i didnt c him for 5 days, and we barely spoke on the fone as he sed he was 2 busy all the time. But on the last nite, we managed 2 talk 4 about an hour, as he sed he was at out with his sisters boyfriend, and his sister was babysittin, but then the worst thing happened.... suddenly his ex foned me and asked me 2 get off the fone 2 him as she was tryin 2 call him 2 c when he was comin home. I just felt sick and she started shoutin at me , saying things like im so stupid 2 believe him, hes been tellin me on the fone he is busy while hes been in bed with her etc and that they hav been 2gether the last few days and he dnt want me anymore. I straight away asked him about all this, and he denied it but then wen i started shouting, he hung up, and then wudnt answer my calls. So i called her fone back and she sed that he told me 2 f**k off.

 

I was so hurt, i sat here and cried loads. But then 2 days later (tuesday) he called me and said he wanted me, and he promised she was lying, but i really didnt believe him, but i felt like i wanted 2 c him so bad that i agreed 2 him comin round. Wel he eventually turned up at about 9pm, and wudnt really talk much, just ended up having sex with me, but he sed he missed me so much and he loved me etc and then after an hour of him bein here, his fone rang and he sed it was his sister and she needed him 2 babysit, and i just got real angry and sed look, i no its her, its always her wen u leave here, so if u go now, dnt bother comin back as i never c u anymore anyway....but then he sed i cud go with him. So we went over and he was txtin her a lot, and i really felt he was telling her 2 go along with it basically. Wen we got there, they all of a sudden changed their minds and wernt going out, and it all seemed a bit set up 2 me.. But we sat there and he had his arms around me while we watched a film and he was kissin me and sayin stuff like 'u alrite baby' and that kind of thing, and i thought maybe i had been paranoid as he seemed really in 2 me.

 

So we stayed there that nite, and everythin was great. We sat there the next day 2 (yesterday) and i met lots of his family/friends etc and he was introducin me as his new girlfriend, i felt so happy and everythin was goin great. Anyway we were going 2 leave at about 4, and then at 3:30 there was a knock at the door , and guess what, it was his ex!! she started kicking off saying she knew i was in there and she wanted me 2 come outside and sort it out (basically fight her i think) but none of his family or friends like her so they wudnt let her in anyway. But then i heard her saying 2 him, u promised me u were goin 2 end it with her last nite, u sed u loved me and we were bk 2gether so what r u doin ?? Then he walked back in, didnt even look at me and just sed 2 his sister, i wil b bk in half an hour...

 

So i was left sat in a room full of strangers basically and because of what i heard i started crying, and it was such an awful situation. Anyway 4 hours passed and he didnt come back, his fone was off and i felt so humiliated, so after that his mate gave me a lift home and everyone was saying they cudnt believe he wud leave me there like that, very out of order etc, but stil, i felt so devastated and heart broken. I got home about 8pm, and spent the rest of the nite getting drunk as i cudnt cope with the agonising feelings i felt. I kept tryin 2 call but he wud keep cuttin the fone off and then turnin it off, so i txt him basically saying look, i dont deserve this, if u dnt want me u hav 2 tel me as this is just pathetic ignoring me, get um balls and talk 2 me. Eventually at about 2am the fone was picked up and i heard her tell him 2 spk 2 me, but all he sed was 'call me 2mrw, sorry'

 

Wel 2day ive tried a lot 2 get hold of him but again he wont answer, and its just killin me inside 2 no hes with her after everythin, i mean after tellin me he loved me etc and all the great times we had 2gether...i dont think im in love with him, but it was definately gettin that way. Ive fallen 4 him big time and i feel so lost now, i hav no idea what 2 do. Nuthin takes my mind off these unbearable feelings. Even wen i was drunk i was stil cryin loads and felt so miserable. He told me i was better than her in every way, looks, sex, as a person, made him happier, more in common, and every1 else agreed with it (apart frm the sex bit obviously!) so i dont no how he can want her back. He also said that the past 2 years 4 them hav been awful and hes always wanted 2 leave the reltionship, but tried 2 stay 4 the kids, and he also said 2 me that i am so amazing and he felt i turned his life around. etc etc, i cud go on but i no ive typed way 2 much already (sorry) i think i needed 2 get all this off my chest anyway, but i also need sum advice as im hurtin so so bad i just dnt no wat 2 do, i cant concentrate on normal day 2 day things, im not eating/sleepin properly these last few days (except tuesday with him) its all just drivin me mad!!

 

I dont no how he can b so ignorant as 2 not answer my calls, it makes me feel worse and worse each second as i just think he cant of cared about me at all 2 leave me feelin like this, im completely heartbroken. I dont no if its worse cuz of finally endin my old relationship and tryin 2 trust sum 1 new, only 2 hav that thrown back in my face, i hav no idea if that has any relevance 2 my new relationship. But i no tht i want 2 b with him so much and i just dont no wat 2 do now, and even tho im 90% sure hes back with her, i dont even no that 4 definate. How can i get thru my days wen i dnt even no where i stand. I was lovin bein with sum 1 'nice' 4 a change, and now im alone again it feels 10x worse ! I feel hopeless and just terrible.

 

Thnx 2 anyone who reads this, again im sorry 2 hav gone on so much,

Please if anyone can help in any way i wud b so greatful.

 

Jeni x

[LakesideDream]

I stopped reading the post after the third paragraph. It was to difficult to read with all the numbers and text messaging gook in it.

 

From what I read, it sounds like you found a rebounding guy. 22 years old with two kids should have set off some red lights in your mind.

[Sad_fed_up]

Finally got 2 spk 2 him and he told me he isnt back with his ex, but he doesnt want to be with me anymore, the feelings he thought he had were obviously not real and that hes sorry. Im even more gutted now, i dont no why he would do this and leave me like this after being with me and being so nice to me etc...how can his feelings just dissapear over nite ????

 

I suppose i can atleast start to move on now, no matter how hard it is. I feel so stupid as i cried so bad down the fone 2 him, i wish i had acted stronger, but i cant change that now!

 

I really am so confused at how he could be this way with me and i feel hopeless.

 

Please write any advice , and sorry about my writing if its hard 2 understand, i tried

[Sad_fed_up]

Ok since we spoke, i didnt call him at all yesterday, but then last night i was on msn and he came online, we started chatting like mates really. I told him i was sorry for over reacting and i was just a bit shocked, but im fine with his decision now and i would like to stay as just mates. He said he really wants to be very good mates with me as im so special and he doesnt want to loose me from his life. Then he said sorry for hurting you, and i said in a joking way, its ok i wil get over it, its only you afterall!! and his reply was ohh, thanks, im not over you at all! So hearing that really made me feel like oh my God! I mean what does that mean ????

 

He also told me that he does want me , he just cannot handle a relationship right now, and that he is trying to do whats best despite his feelings. He then said that he would come and see me on monday and that we could spend a few hours together. And he said he missed me too!

 

The thing is, initially i felt great, we spoke for almost 2 hours and it lifted the pain i hav been feeling for the last few days. And when we finished talking, i was stil feeling very happy, i kept remembering when he put 'I'm not over you at all' and it gave me a lot of hope.

 

However today i have woken up and i have such a big urge to call him, im trying so hard not to, as i dont want to seem too clingy again. I no i have to play it cool and wait now until monday for him to contact me, or if not i suppose i can call him then as we are meant to be meeting. But its so hard now, i really feel like i want to see him, i miss him terribly, and im really scared he will start ignoring me again on monday, like turn his phone off, or cancel my calls, or maybe pick up but say hes busy and we wil have to meet another day.

 

But even if we do meet, i know that when he leaves again i will be back to feeling this way. I suppose im hoping that when he spends a few hours with me, and im playing it cool (like not crying and begging him to be with me etc) maybe he wil realise he does want me. Although maybe he wont, i dont know, but im really hoping i can change his mind and remind him of how much fun we have together.

 

I just dont want to get hurt even more ! And i dont understand why hes always going hot and cold on me...

[passionpeach]

It's sad how people tend to be so confused about how they should feel whenever we talk about love and heartaches. I myself am a victim of this dilemma. The best thing to do is THINK OF YOURSELF. If you think that the guy is really into you then by all means go. read: DO NOT MAKE YOURSELF BELIEVE THAT HE WANTS YOU BACK JUST BECAUSE THAT IS HOW YOU WANT THINGS TO TURN OUT. Take things as they come -- whether they be good or bad. It may hurt but you would rather get hurt by the truth than live in lies. Right now, he wants to be friends with you so be friends with him and stay at that. Do not cross the line. Let him do the move and before you make your step, think a thousand times about the consequences of your action.

[Sad_fed_up]

Ok im so confused now, i didnt contact him for 4 days, like he asked me for the space, so i gave it to him, then yesterday he called me and asked if i wanted to meet up, which i really was not expecting!!! So i was really excited and i went to meet him, and we got a train in to a different town and spent a few hours there together. At first he was acting like we were just friends, then he started telling me he really wanted to kiss me and he had missed me a lot etc, wel we ended up kissing and after a while he said to me that he realised he wanted to be with me, which ofcourse made me so happy!!

 

Anyway, after a few hours his ex started to call him again, saying sheneeded him to look after one of their kids as the other one was poorly, so we had to leave , and he took me to his sisters again, and collected the baby and came back round, and we stayed there together for the night. Everything was great and i felt really a lot happier than i have for ages. But then this mornin, while he was sleeping, i read messages on his mobile from her. Wel i know i shouldnt have done that , but he makes me feel so paranoid that i just had to !! And there was messages from her from the weekend, saying stuff like she was glad they were ok now, and that she hopes he hasnt been speaking to me again, but shes ok with it if hes just a friend to me. Also, he has to go to a hospital appointment tomorrow, and there was a message saying that she would go with him and they could spend the day in town just her and him like it used to be. Also he told me he went to the cinema with his mate on saturday night , and there was a message from her saying that she couldnt wait to go out that night, so i think he lied about who he went with !!

 

Wel i didnt know what to think when i read these messages, i felt really betrayed again and i so badly wanted to confront him about them, but i knew i couldnt as i shouldnt hav read them in the first place !! Well when he woke up i asked him if he was serious about being with me and he said he was, he said he didnt want his ex at all any more and he was just sorry it took so long to realise that. So i asked him about tomorrow, i said did he want me to come with him and he said no it would be ok, and i said ohh so is she going with you and he said no i swear she isnt, so i mean what do i believe now ??

 

I think on the one hand, maybe these texts were sent before we met up, so maybe anythin that he had planned or done before that wouldnt matter now, but on the other hand i think hes just playing me again, and telling me he wants me not her, but telling her he wants her not me, does that make sense ?

 

Anyway, its his neices birthday today and he said hs ex will be there with the kids, so i feel like hes with her now and its makin me really paranoid ! and i asked if i could see him later and he said he would probably be too busy, but i dont know how as he never really does anything! He said he might but probably not till tomorrow, which i know means a definate no for tonight. So he said he will stay at mine tomorrow, but i am so so scared that he will cancel, or just completely change his mind about us again after spending time with his ex. I just dont know what to do !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[curiousnycgirl]

I stopped reading the post after the third paragraph. It was to difficult to read with all the numbers and text messaging gook in it.

 

From what I read, it sounds like you found a rebounding guy. 22 years old with two kids should have set off some red lights in your mind.

 

Thank goodness I thought it was just me! But I did persevere and read the whole thing.

 

Bottom line - nothing meaningful can be so sudden. To have a meaningful relationship you need to build the foundation of trust and love. Seeing eachother everyday from the very beginning is a recipe for disaster. How can you possibly love this guys - you barely even know him.

 

This is true even when the guy is not playing you as this one clearly is. You need to stop letting him have his cake and eat it too. Mates do not kiss and sleep together, unless they are FWB. Clearly you cannot just be mates with him.

 

He is using you - get away. You deserve and clearly want more in a relationship.

 

I know that is easier said than done - and I know it will hurt like hell - but really it is best for you to just lick your wounds and move on so that you are available for someone of true quality.

 

Good luck!