Aurien Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 This will be long. This is my first post. I just signed up today after google searching for help with my particular problem. Here it goes. I just moved to my present location and job 3 months ago. My wife and I have been married three years and I've come to the conclusion that I may have made a big mistake by marrying her because I didn't spend enough time getting to know her. While going through these tough times we arrived in this new place with me in this new job and I met a woman at work whom I immediately felt an attraction to. She's married as well. Since day one we've been inseperable at work and this eventually bled over into our social life because we started playing the same online game and chatting there. I went for broke one night and told her that I'd had a crush on her since the first day I met her. To my surprise, she said that she had too. We started talking more about our relationships with our spouses. She became a mormon to marry her husband and they've been married three years as well. It turns out that there were things about being a mormon that she wasn't told about until it was too late. She feels trapped and upset about the fact that she feels she was tricked into believing something that she doesn't. Things between them are bad. He's not what she expected and she knows she'll never be, as she puts it, "Molly Mormon" for him. Okay, here's where no one will believe me. Because of the issues my wife and I are having (yes, this other woman helped me to see that it was time to get out, but this wasn't done because of her) I sent her back to the States. Originally, I told her it was over and she had to leave. This didn't go over to well with her so she immediately decided that she was going to do stuff to get me fired from work, like spreading rumors. In order to stop her from doing this and costing me my career, I agreed that we would separate and see how we feel in three months. She's been gone for two days now. I have tremendous feelings for this other woman...I don't like calling her that so I'll just call her Jen. I have tremendously overwhelming feelings for Jen. I've told her over and over again how I feel and she's told me that she feels the same way. I've also told her that I don't expect anything out of her, ie - sex, leaving her husband, etc. Well, today we ended up spending the day together, coming back to my house and we kissed for the first time. Then a little later, she ended up straddling me on the couch which surprised the hell out of me. We made out for a while. Then we stopped and smoked a cigarette and I figured that was going to be it because we'd both said that we were going to take it slow and I told her that I wanted to be single for a while to find out who I am and what I really want out of life (which, by the way, is what I'm dealing with in counseling right now). I've been married three times back to back since I was nineteen and I finally decided that I needed to take my time and not be married for a while. Anyway, next thing I know we're having sex. Afterward we were both shaking and knew we'd done something wrong, even though it didn't feel wrong. Okay, that's the short version. I'm sure I left some stuff out but if anyone has anything to suggest, I'd love to hear it. My main issue is that I've never been with someone like her who actually has most of the same interests as I do and I feel like I can be myself around her. In all of my past relationships, they've started with lies. I always made myself into something the other person wanted me to be instead of just being me. With Jen, I can be me. She feels bad for not being able to be what her husband wants and knows she needs to get out for her sake and his sake and at the same time, she's scared to leave him because she doesn't want him to take off with their son and raise him on that religion without her there to make sure he's not teaching him anything "stupid." Alright, I guess there was more. That's it for now. Questions, comments, suggestions, and criticism are all welcome. Do your worst.
pelagicsands Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 My wife and I have been married three years and I've come to the conclusion that I may have made a big mistake by marrying her because I didn't spend enough time getting to know her. OK. I've been married three times back to back Next time spin her around. Maybe you might mean it if you say it to her face. Just a suggestion.
PoshPrincess Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 OK. Next time spin her around. Maybe you might mean it if you say it to her face. Just a suggestion. Amusing perhaps, but not v constructive! Aurien, it sounds like you realise that you need some time out from relationships. You have been married three times (you don't say how old you are) since the age of 19 and although I am no therapist you do sound like you may be what they call a 'serial monogamist'. I say this because I sometimes think that I am also one (although have never been married) and am having counselling to try and overcome this issue. It does sound like there is a connection with Jen but maybe you subconsciously feel that way because you were unhappy in your marriage and were looking for a way out. I was in that position myself two years ago and later realised that the man I thought I wanted to be with was just there as a distraction from my problems. Although I didn't realise it I was using him as a get-out. Did you leave each of your wives to be with the next one? There could be a pattern here that you need to address. Your life sounds pretty confusing and I think you need to take a step back so that you are able to put things in perspective. Not only that, but as Jen is married you are only complicating your life even further. She is not currently available to be with you so I suggest you end things (for the time being). As they say, if it's meant to be, it will be. You are both bringing problems into your lives that you can do without. She needs to decide what SHE wants too and you can't do that while there is all this tension between the two of you. I think you need to sort your head out (and I mean that in the nicest possible way so please don't take offence) before you involve anyone else in your life. I wish you the best of luck and hope that everything works out for you.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 It doesn't sound to me like the MW has much of a real intention to leave her husband. Are you prepared for this dead end 'on the side guy' relationship?
Author Aurien Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 You have been married three times (you don't say how old you are) since the age of 19 and although I am no therapist you do sound like you may be what they call a 'serial monogamist'. I guess I should have mentioned I'm turning 30 next month. What is this "serial monogomist" deal?
Author Aurien Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 It does sound like there is a connection with Jen but maybe you subconsciously feel that way because you were unhappy in your marriage and were looking for a way out. I was in that position myself two years ago and later realised that the man I thought I wanted to be with was just there as a distraction from my problems. Although I didn't realise it I was using him as a get-out. Did you leave each of your wives to be with the next one? There could be a pattern here that you need to address. The breakdown. My first wife left me because we were in an open relationship and I wanted it to stop. She wasn't ready for that so she left. I left my second wife after she moved back to the states twice. I met my third wife while we were separated and I later found out that she was cheating on me anyway. Now, the current wife. There have been several times when I've wanted her to leave but every time I got mad and told her to get out of my life, I later calmed down and told her that I was just angry. She's a very vindictive person and I was in hell. It took Jen being my friend and telling me how messed up my wife was for doing some of the things that she did to me to make me realize that I really needed to get out and stop putting up with it. So, in a way, yes I'm leaving her because of Jen, but not really. Sure, I hope things work out between Jen and I in the future, but right now I'm just glad she gave me the strength to do something I wanted to do anyway which was leave my wife. As far as her leaving her husband, I know she does. She's just scared. I'm trying to be as fair as I can and I've told her I don't expect anything from her except her friendship. I've told her that if she thinks she can work things out and be happy with him then by all means, she needs to do that; but, on the other hand, if she's not happy and there are no steps being taken to fix things and he's not changing the way he needs to then it's better for her to get out before things get worse.
corazoncito Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 In all of my past relationships, they've started with lies. I always made myself into something the other person wanted me to be instead of just being me. With Jen, I can be me. She feels bad for not being able to be what her husband wants and knows she needs to get out for her sake and his sake and at the same time, she's scared to leave him because she doesn't want him to take off with their son and raise him on that religion without her there to make sure he's not teaching him anything "stupid." The question I would ask is if you are on your third marriage back-to-back in 11 years, all sustained through lies, are you sure you know who you are? I think you need time to continue with your individual counseling and decide why you feel the need to constantly be in a relationship whether it makes you happy or not. That is part of what being a "serial monogamist" is. Someone who jumps immediately from one relationship to the next, without really taking time to understand why last the one was unsuccessful and why the next one would be any different. At a basic level, you are in the infatuation stage with Jen. You don't know her (or yourself) well enough to really know if you could have a healthy relationship with her. And as LB pointed out, you aren't even sure if she would be willing to leave her marriage for you. Also, I think you and Jen are each going through a lot of individual turmoil and stress, so perhaps you are caught up in the dramatic fantasy of "rescuing" each other, and are very fixated on all of the outside forces that are supposedly causing each of your problems. Once the drama is gone and you have to see the other person for who they really are (an adult responsible for making choices that got them into their current situation) it may not seem so storybook. What does your counselor say about all of this?
Author Aurien Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 I mentioned in my first post (I know it was a lot so it might have been easy to miss) that I need to figure out who I am. So, no, I know that I don't know who I am. I understand what you mean about the rescuing each other thing. I do feel like that's what we're doing. The counselor has told me to back off a little (keep being friends but don't let anything go any farther) and see how I feel in three months. She says if the feelings are still there then it's safe to assume it wasn't just an infatuation thing.
IpAncA Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 What makes you think Jen is anything different? I honestly think you should stop it with her and focus on your current situation.
norajane Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 she's scared to leave him because she doesn't want him to take off with their sonIf that is a real fear and not just an excuse she's giving you, keep in mind that if her husband catches wind of what's going on between you two, you can bet that's going to make things 100 times more likely her husband is going to take off with their son. As for you, you've married all these women because you didn't take enough time to really get to know them. 3 months is certainly not enough time for you to truly know Jen, either. It's not. It really isn't, especially since you have no view into what is really going on at home. She might tell you things, but that's not necessarily the reality of it. You don't know who she is any more than you know who you are.
PoshPrincess Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 Aurien, you've had the 'serial monogomist' question answered for you, although in your case it's not always you who ends the relationships. It does sound like you've been particularly unlucky. I agree with Corazoncito though, in that you need to find out who you are and what you want from life, relationships, etc. Time out from Jen is definitely the answer. She also has a lot to sort out and, although I don't know anything about the Mormon religion, I can imagine that being involved with you isn't going to help matters re her and her child. Keep up the counselling as it will be very beneficial to you. By all means be a friend to Jen, but just be aware (I'm sure you are anyway!) that it could get more complicated.
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