What Do I Do?

June 7, 2007

Ok well me and my husband got married in August 2005, he left for Iraq in October 2005 and then while he was away I cheated on him I know horrible and I hate myself for what I have done, well now we have a 6 month old baby girl, we have worked through everything, but ever since we got married all I have done is complained and my husband has done nothing but be good to me, Why do I do that? I have no Idea, and now he wants a seperation, but is that really going to help, I have always thought and seperation ends in a divorce, and I dont want that, I want to work out everything with my husband and I dont know what to do. Please help me. What should I do?

Thanks,

Jennifer

June 7, 2007

Sorry, but we're going to need more info than what you've provided. For example is he a Marine or a Solider, is he day to day in combat, or a support trooper? Not that in the current conflict ~ it makes that much of a difference ~ but it does.

The more info you give us ~ the better we can advise you. Ages for example? A little more background on the dynamics of the relationship, etc.

June 7, 2007

I can't blame him for wanting a seperation. You cheated on him and then you verbally abuse him so he is seeing no advantage to being with you. If you were him would you want to be with you? I would work on my issues and show him that you are trying to make a real change than maybe he will reconsider.

June 7, 2007

Your young marriage has had a lot of drama and change. A deployment, an infidelity, and a new baby is a lot for any couple to adapt to and overcome.

I do have many questions and I will try to be specific.

How long was the courtship before the wedding?

Was the deployment known to you when you married?

Did you tell your husband about your infidelity or did he "find out" another way?

Was the baby planned or unplanned?

Did he know about the cheating before the pregnancy?

I think answers to this would help to get a better picture of the strength and weaknesses within the relationship in order to provide more insight on how he may be seeing things at this moment.

I hope your marriage can be salvaged and would recommend marriage counseling as a starting point.

June 7, 2007

Help me out, is the baby even his?

June 7, 2007

Sorry, but we're going to need more info than what you've provided. For example is he a Marine or a Solider, is he day to day in combat, or a support trooper? Not that in the current conflict ~ it makes that much of a difference ~ but it does.

The more info you give us ~ the better we can advise you. Ages for example? A little more background on the dynamics of the relationship, etc.

Hi he is in the army, and our relationship was good before we got married, and then everything went down hill im always fighting and arguing bout stuff and i dont even know why. Im 22 and hes 21.

June 7, 2007

Your young marriage has had a lot of drama and change. A deployment, an infidelity, and a new baby is a lot for any couple to adapt to and overcome.

I do have many questions and I will try to be specific.

How long was the courtship before the wedding?
Was the deployment known to you when you married?
Did you tell your husband about your infidelity or did he "find out" another way?
Was the baby planned or unplanned?
Did he know about the cheating before the pregnancy?

I think answers to this would help to get a better picture of the strength and weaknesses within the relationship in order to provide more insight on how he may be seeing things at this moment.

I hope your marriage can be salvaged and would recommend marriage counseling as a starting point.

we barley knew one another when we got married. the deployment yes i knew he was going to be going, just didnt know really when he was. My husband found out about me cheating another way i didnt come out and tell him, the baby was planned and he knew i cheated and we was working everything out on his 2 week leave from Iraq and thats when i got pregnant.

June 7, 2007

Help me out, is the baby even his?

yes this baby is his, and he loves her to death. She is just like him.

June 7, 2007

Jennifer,

Thank you for providing so much additional information.

You seem to understand that marriage is often difficult even in the best situations. I'm concerned that the two of you didn't really know each other well enough to make the commitment to marriage, but what's done is done, and you need help in trying to salvage the partnership. I applaud your interest in doing so when many would walk away simply because it is easier to cut losses and turn tail.

Any one of the issues in your marriage would make it tough to salvage. A brief courtship, a long separation early in the marriage, your infidelity, and a baby, are ALL difficult transitions in and of themselves. Your young ages indicate a relative inexperience in real and lengthy relationships. From your posts it is hard to see where the happiness has been during this time in your life. You speak of arguing a lot. I bet your husband is interested in chalking it all up as mistakes and moving on. Marriage counseling could be very helpful, but you have to have two willing participants for it to have any positive impact. If your husband is throwing his hands in the air, there is little you can do about it.

Think about your reasons for wanting to continue a lifestyle that seems to be making you both unhappy. Your daughter is a reason, but she's likely a part of the problem due to the timing of her conception. (Don't take that the wrong way, what I mean is that a shaky marriage isn't the best time for a pregnancy. Babies do not solve marital issues, they add to them more often.)

You are both still very young and may be happier pursuing more compatible partners.

If you cannot work things out, I encourage you to work on yourself in the meantime and near future. Figure out why you would jump into a marriage with someone you barely know. Discover what is truly important to you in a partner. Question why you cheated and make sure that issue(s) is resolved so that it won't happen again in a future relationship. Above all, learn how to be the best mother you can be. Parenthood is not easy, nor is it all instinctive. the most important job we ever have is often the one with the least "training" in our backgrounds and education.

Take care.

June 7, 2007

Jennifer,

Thank you for providing so much additional information.

You seem to understand that marriage is often difficult even in the best situations. I'm concerned that the two of you didn't really know each other well enough to make the commitment to marriage, but what's done is done, and you need help in trying to salvage the partnership. I applaud your interest in doing so when many would walk away simply because it is easier to cut losses and turn tail.

Any one of the issues in your marriage would make it tough to salvage. A brief courtship, a long separation early in the marriage, your infidelity, and a baby, are ALL difficult transitions in and of themselves. Your young ages indicate a relative inexperience in real and lengthy relationships. From your posts it is hard to see where the happiness has been during this time in your life. You speak of arguing a lot. I bet your husband is interested in chalking it all up as mistakes and moving on. Marriage counseling could be very helpful, but you have to have two willing participants for it to have any positive impact. If your husband is throwing his hands in the air, there is little you can do about it.

Think about your reasons for wanting to continue a lifestyle that seems to be making you both unhappy. Your daughter is a reason, but she's likely a part of the problem due to the timing of her conception. (Don't take that the wrong way, what I mean is that a shaky marriage isn't the best time for a pregnancy. Babies do not solve marital issues, they add to them more often.)

You are both still very young and may be happier pursuing more compatible partners.

If you cannot work things out, I encourage you to work on yourself in the meantime and near future. Figure out why you would jump into a marriage with someone you barely know. Discover what is truly important to you in a partner. Question why you cheated and make sure that issue(s) is resolved so that it won't happen again in a future relationship. Above all, learn how to be the best mother you can be. Parenthood is not easy, nor is it all instinctive. the most important job we ever have is often the one with the least "training" in our backgrounds and education.

Take care.

Hi thank you so much for all the information, well when we first got married 2 weeks later he didnt know if he wanted to be with me or his ex girlfriend so he left to go to Iraq leaving me at home not knowing weather he wanted to be with me or not, so I guess thats why I cheated cause someone else was there for me and he wasnt. They may not be a good excuse but thats how I was feeling at the time. I want my marriage to work, not just for our baby but for us. I mean yes he is good to me, he has never done anything wrong, and I have been the one to argue alot, and for stupid stuff to. I have asked him for another chance so I would stop arguing and all that, but its not working its like he doesnt care anymore. He doesnt want to be around me or anything. I dont know what to do. I dont think he will want to go to marriage counseling so if he doesnt does that mean he doesnt even want to try to work things out with me? Im so confused

June 7, 2007

You are so openly admitting each part you have played in the demise of the marriage and that is mature and refreshing.

Your husband is probably getting pressure/support from friends, and maybe even family, to call it all a mistake and move on. Many people have a zero tolerance for cheating. I'm not sure you can change his mind and without some professional, unbiased help (like counseling) it would surely be hard for the two of you to solve these complications on your own.

The best you can do is to continue to adamantly contest his decision to give up, but that may be to no avail. I'm so sorry to say so, but his mind may be firmly made up. I hate to sound so negative and wish I could offer something more helpful.

In the upcoming weeks and months, this site can be very helpful in giving you somewhere to vent your fears, feelings, and pain. Please use it for it the support you may need. There are so many wonderful people here, but you may get some backlash concerning the infidelity. Take what you can use, and don't fall into the trap of repeatedly explaining and apologizing for your actions. The only person you need to atone to is your husband.

I suspect you have already learned quite a bit from this whole situation, and that is important.

June 7, 2007

You are so openly admitting each part you have played in the demise of the marriage and that is mature and refreshing.

Your husband is probably getting pressure/support from friends, and maybe even family, to call it all a mistake and move on. Many people have a zero tolerance for cheating. I'm not sure you can change his mind and without some professional, unbiased help (like counseling) it would surely be hard for the two of you to solve these complications on your own.

The best you can do is to continue to adamantly contest his decision to give up, but that may be to no avail. I'm so sorry to say so, but his mind may be firmly made up. I hate to sound so negative and wish I could offer something more helpful.

In the upcoming weeks and months, this site can be very helpful in giving you somewhere to vent your fears, feelings, and pain. Please use it for it the support you may need. There are so many wonderful people here, but you may get some backlash concerning the infidelity. Take what you can use, and don't fall into the trap of repeatedly explaining and apologizing for your actions. The only person you need to atone to is your husband.

I suspect you have already learned quite a bit from this whole situation, and that is important.

Yes i am admitting to every thing i did because i want everything to work out, he said we need a separation, but doesnt that always end in divorce or does that actually work, I mean if he wanted it to work then he would give me the chance to show him wouldnt he? Thanks for the help, none of our family memebers knows that we are having problems now they knew before but they thought we worked through it and everything was good, so its just us and i dont want our family members to know and he said he wouldnt say anything either but if all else fails they are going to find out one way or another.

June 7, 2007

I have been married twice. Both involved separations that did not initially lead to divorce, but rather to reconciliation. Yes, I ultimately ended up in divorce court, but both times it was several years later, not right after separation.

For me, both times it took a week or two before we got back together. Some people reconcile after a few months. I have read stories on LoveShack that run the gamut.

It's not over until somebody files for divorce and a divorce is granted.

Give him a little space and when you have contact, as you certainly will with your daughter involved, be as nice and non-confrontational as you can be with him. That baby will be a real incentive. I always had physical custody of my kids with visitation by their fathers, but your situation is so different with his military employment. My kid's fathers were used to being there every day and night and your husband may be more used to NOT being there all the time.

Don't give up, yet! Time might just work this out. If it's not common knowledge to the family yet, that is a good sign that he isn't as firm in his decision as I thought he might be. I had lost sight of the word "separation" and I apologize for that.

Keep your chin up!

June 7, 2007

I have been married twice. Both involved separations that did not initially lead to divorce, but rather to reconciliation. Yes, I ultimately ended up in divorce court, but both times it was several years later, not right after separation.

For me, both times it took a week or two before we got back together. Some people reconcile after a few months. I have read stories on LoveShack that run the gamut.

It's not over until somebody files for divorce and a divorce is granted.

Give him a little space and when you have contact, as you certainly will with your daughter involved, be as nice and non-confrontational as you can be with him. That baby will be a real incentive. I always had physical custody of my kids with visitation by their fathers, but your situation is so different with his military employment. My kid's fathers were used to being there every day and night and your husband may be more used to NOT being there all the time.

Don't give up, yet! Time might just work this out. If it's not common knowledge to the family yet, that is a good sign that he isn't as firm in his decision as I thought he might be. I had lost sight of the word "separation" and I apologize for that.

Keep your chin up!

Hey thanks, it really helps me to talk to someone to let out everything that i am going through, i keep asking him what we are gonna do, so i guess i should stop that, cause that might get him mad if i keep asking and begging, right now im in Georgia, i been here for a week, and im going back to Kentcuky(home where my husband is) tomorrow morning, Im scared to death to go back cause i dont want to fight and he doesnt even want to be around me. then on payday im coming back to Georgia to visit family so no one will really know whats going on. I just didnt think Separation would really work, how long do you think we need to be separated? Im so new to all this I have no idea I never thought it would be like this.

June 7, 2007

jenn, a thought... is it possible that all your arguing and difficult behavior was due to the extreme stress of having your husband deployed over there? It's so scary and stressful... maybe that's how it all came out, by you "acting out" this way.

Anyway, DDL has given you great advice. It's hard to tell what will happen, but at the very least I hope you go into individual counselling (and hopefully your husband will be willing to try out marriage counselling).

Best of luck to you. Keep posting.

June 7, 2007

jenn, a thought... is it possible that all your arguing and difficult behavior was due to the extreme stress of having your husband deployed over there? It's so scary and stressful... maybe that's how it all came out, by you "acting out" this way.

Anyway, DDL has given you great advice. It's hard to tell what will happen, but at the very least I hope you go into individual counselling (and hopefully your husband will be willing to try out marriage counselling).

Best of luck to you. Keep posting.

Thank you so much, and i dont know it could be, i mean i was in a relationship before i got married for 4 years and i was beat and drugs and all that so my husband said that i could be getting all my anger out from that relationship on him, could that be it?

June 7, 2007

Thank you so much, and i dont know it could be, i mean i was in a relationship before i got married for 4 years and i was beat and drugs and all that so my husband said that i could be getting all my anger out from that relationship on him, could that be it?

That could very well be, jenn. And there is likely some deeper-rooted part of yourself that got you into that abusive relationship before. It's tough, but I think you could really benefit from counseling to take a look at this. I speak from experience, I've benefitted greatly from therapy myself... old, ingrained stuff from my past that I could not have dealt with on my own. Anyhow, best of luck to you. It's a good, healthy thing that you are willing to even think about this stuff going on in your life and try to figure it out.

June 7, 2007

jenn,

For me, anger and arguing are most often the result of fear. As a new fairly new wife, a new mother, and having a husband involved in a dangerous profession (and dangerous war) I would imagine that you have experienced quite a bit of fear in the last two years. Fear manifests itself in many ways and anger is a very common manifestation. The fear is kind of repressed, but stupid nd minor things can set you off, resulting in anger, when your fears aren't being addressed and handled in a more positive way.

Honestly, I can associate almost every negative feeling I have with fear if I analyze it seriously.

Is your husband now stateside and how long will he be here? I would hope that with a little space that the two of you will have time to think about everything and come to some conclusions about how to best proceed. I don't necessarily mean "space" to be two different states, but if that's the way it needs to be that is fine. I would not want him to be redeployed right away because that would make all the complications even more difficult to sort through. Of course even if that were the case, it could still go either way.

How long a separation lasts depends on the people involved. I don't think there is a universal answer, but if you continue to not want a divorce and want to keep trying, you will have to give him as much time as he needs to feel comfortable that there is hope, as well as a willingness to start fresh. I'm not sure I would be comfortable with a long distance between you for a long time, but a couple weeks might not hurt.

When you are in contact with him, don't beg, but try to be positive about a future together and make sure he knows you are still very hopeful for that without being overbearing about it. A simple statement like "I am still very much interested in working through this for the sake of all of us" can't hurt. If he gets defensive just say "I'm not pushing you, but want to be sure you know how I feel" and drop it for the time being. That might be hard for you as this is an emotional (and scary) situation, but you do not want him to see your confrontational side because that will likely reinforce his negative feelings. Be as pleasant as you can possibly be at all times.

Good luck with your next face to face contact. Be pleasant! Be the girl he fell for in the first place!

June 7, 2007

Oh, I definitely agree with polywog that individual counseling would be very beneficial. As a military wife you certainly have access to that. Changing the way we deal with fear and arguing can be hard. We have to reprogram our thought processes. It would also help with the stress of all the changes you have endured in a relatively short time. You've had a lot of situational stress to deal with. That bad relationship has surely left some scars, too.

June 7, 2007

Your absolute is to be the greatest wife in HISTORY. It doesn't matter if you resent that. You shouldn't.

My wife of 3 years had a three week affair with a 17 year old kid from our church youth group, (my wife is 24). I was deployed and one week from coming home. I have been carrying the chore of fixing our marraige for a year. She insults me and curses me and complains about everything. She doesn't let me sleep. All because of her defensive foolish pride.

And ya know what? I'm leaving her today. And I'm telling her that I've stopped loving her, and that I want nothing to do with her. "Don't call me, don't write me, get out of my life forever."

You don't want this to happen to you and it will if you don't buck up and be a good wife. YOU fix your marraige. BE a good wife. Do what is right and rational. You still have a chance to fix it.

June 7, 2007

Jen, I gotta tell ya, from what I've read so far about your husband wanting a separation, Gunny please confirm, or correct me if I'm wrong, It may be that your husband is looking around for himself, for other women. The part that I may need to be corrected on is, I've heard that infidelity is a military crime(Illegal), but if he were say, separated, or divorced, then there would be nothing holding him back. I hate to say it, but, the saying "What goes around, comes around" comes to mind. Or, he may just want a divorce, I don't know why it may have taken so long, but, perhaps it's a delayed reaction, so many extreme events happening to him all at once, perhaps Gunny could tell you more, or if any of this rings true.............

June 8, 2007

jenn,
For me, anger and arguing are most often the result of fear. As a new fairly new wife, a new mother, and having a husband involved in a dangerous profession (and dangerous war) I would imagine that you have experienced quite a bit of fear in the last two years. Fear manifests itself in many ways and anger is a very common manifestation. The fear is kind of repressed, but stupid nd minor things can set you off, resulting in anger, when your fears aren't being addressed and handled in a more positive way.

Honestly, I can associate almost every negative feeling I have with fear if I analyze it seriously.

Is your husband now stateside and how long will he be here? I would hope that with a little space that the two of you will have time to think about everything and come to some conclusions about how to best proceed. I don't necessarily mean "space" to be two different states, but if that's the way it needs to be that is fine. I would not want him to be redeployed right away because that would make all the complications even more difficult to sort through. Of course even if that were the case, it could still go either way.

How long a separation lasts depends on the people involved. I don't think there is a universal answer, but if you continue to not want a divorce and want to keep trying, you will have to give him as much time as he needs to feel comfortable that there is hope, as well as a willingness to start fresh. I'm not sure I would be comfortable with a long distance between you for a long time, but a couple weeks might not hurt.

When you are in contact with him, don't beg, but try to be positive about a future together and make sure he knows you are still very hopeful for that without being overbearing about it. A simple statement like "I am still very much interested in working through this for the sake of all of us" can't hurt. If he gets defensive just say "I'm not pushing you, but want to be sure you know how I feel" and drop it for the time being. That might be hard for you as this is an emotional (and scary) situation, but you do not want him to see your confrontational side because that will likely reinforce his negative feelings. Be as pleasant as you can possibly be at all times.

Good luck with your next face to face contact. Be pleasant! Be the girl he fell for in the first place!

Hey thanks, i want to be the girl he fell in love with from the beginning and im gonna try my best if it doesnt work then so be it nothing i can do to make him change his mind, well are next face to face will be tomorrow, and im scared to death i dont know how to react, be happy? be sad? be mad? what cause i know hes not gonna say anything to me.

June 8, 2007

Your absolute is to be the greatest wife in HISTORY. It doesn't matter if you resent that. You shouldn't.

My wife of 3 years had a three week affair with a 17 year old kid from our church youth group, (my wife is 24). I was deployed and one week from coming home. I have been carrying the chore of fixing our marraige for a year. She insults me and curses me and complains about everything. She doesn't let me sleep. All because of her defensive foolish pride.

And ya know what? I'm leaving her today. And I'm telling her that I've stopped loving her, and that I want nothing to do with her. "Don't call me, don't write me, get out of my life forever."

You don't want this to happen to you and it will if you don't buck up and be a good wife. YOU fix your marraige. BE a good wife. Do what is right and rational. You still have a chance to fix it.

thank you so much and yes im trying my hardest to fix it and i will keep it up, i dont want it to end and it was a one time thing i didnt have a ongoing affair, so i dont know we will see what happens

June 8, 2007

Jen, I gotta tell ya, from what I've read so far about your husband wanting a separation, Gunny please confirm, or correct me if I'm wrong, It may be that your husband is looking around for himself, for other women. The part that I may need to be corrected on is, I've heard that infidelity is a military crime(Illegal), but if he were say, separated, or divorced, then there would be nothing holding him back. I hate to say it, but, the saying "What goes around, comes around" comes to mind. Or, he may just want a divorce, I don't know why it may have taken so long, but, perhaps it's a delayed reaction, so many extreme events happening to him all at once, perhaps Gunny could tell you more, or if any of this rings true.............

I mean he told me that there wasnt anyone else that he thinks it would be best if he were to be by himself. I know nothing would be holding him back cause im sure i deserve it, and thats what im scared of is that he is looking around but i really hope not and yes i have heard the saying what comes around goes around and damned if im getting it back.

June 8, 2007

Hey thanks, i want to be the girl he fell in love with from the beginning and im gonna try my best if it doesnt work then so be it nothing i can do to make him change his mind, well are next face to face will be tomorrow, and im scared to death i dont know how to react, be happy? be sad? be mad? what cause i know hes not gonna say anything to me.

Of course you are scared. Certainly there will be some sort of interaction between the two of you. You will know how to act and/or react once you get there. It's too hard to predict what he will or won't say.

Why don't you start off with "hi" and let it go from there?

Have a safe trip to Kentucky (what a beautiful state!) and I hope things go well between the two of you.

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