D-Lish Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Why are we attracted to people that are all wrong for us? Ones that will surely rip our hearts out- ones that we know will cheat, ones that don't like us as much as we love them. Because it's all a choice right? We choose to date these people. I mean- we know for sure when we choose someone that they have the greatest potential to hurt us, lie to us... I don't believe it's as much about chemistry as it is about how we feel about ourselves when we choose these people. I have had a long run of dating losers-cheaters-ambivilant, even mean guys. Then there is a line up of super nice- sweet, wonderful guys waiting in the wings that I couldn't in a million years see myself dating. My question? Why? Is it because we don't feel good about ourselves so we choose a poor mate on purpose???? I actually know that this has been my pattern since my divorce- I date people I know will hurt me and bring me down. Isn't that nuts? Anyone else do this and struggle to break that pattern?
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 If you're purposefully choosing the wrong guys, it's because (1) you're not ready for a real, loving, committed relationship, and/or (2) you don't feel you deserve a real, loving, committed relationship.
Pyro Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Why are we attracted to people that are all wrong for us? Ones that will surely rip our hearts out- ones that we know will cheat, ones that don't like us as much as we love them. Because it's all a choice right? We choose to date these people. I mean- we know for sure when we choose someone that they have the greatest potential to hurt us, lie to us... I don't believe it's as much about chemistry as it is about how we feel about ourselves when we choose these people. I have had a long run of dating losers-cheaters-ambivilant, even mean guys. Then there is a line up of super nice- sweet, wonderful guys waiting in the wings that I couldn't in a million years see myself dating. My question? Why? Is it because we don't feel good about ourselves so we choose a poor mate on purpose???? I actually know that this has been my pattern since my divorce- I date people I know will hurt me and bring me down. Isn't that nuts? Anyone else do this and struggle to break that pattern? I wouldn't say that it was purposely. I sure as heck wouldn't purposely date the wrong person. Sometimes we don't give ourselves enough time to get to know the person before we fall for them and by the time we do catch their bad side, we are involved too much and its not easy to just walk away.
alphamale Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 well D-L your main criteria is probably something superficial like looks or money.
Author D-Lish Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 never money alphamale... honestly- I have a whack of my own through hard work and a sadly attained inheritance. I would never have to work a day in my life again if I didn't choose to. But I choose to...and the money came from a sad method. Looks? perhaps. but Riddler- you're wrong to assume I don't purposely choose the wrong partners... because I do.... I actually get to know them a bit- see the red flags... and proceed. That's whacked right? Like I think I don't deserve a healthy relationship?
Pyro Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 but Riddler- you're wrong to assume I don't purposely choose the wrong partners... because I do.... I actually get to know them a bit- see the red flags... and proceed. That's whacked right? Like I think I don't deserve a healthy relationship? I wasn't speaking about you personally D-Lish. I was speaking in general terms. What I said could happen to anyone. Wait, now I am confused. Are you saying that you do purposely choose the wrong partners?
jcster Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I know from personal experience that I pick guys that feel "comfortable" to me - guys that I can understand and relate to. Unfortunately, I was raised by psychotic, drunken, as*holes - so that's usually what I get (I'm exaggerating a little bit...but sadly, just a little bit). We gravitate towards what we are used to. If you examine your life growing up, and the type of people and relationships that were modeled for you, you'll pick up on the trend. Now - breaking that habit is hard. I'm holding off on any new relationships until I'm pretty sure I'm going to stop picking the bad ones - it might be a while.
Tony T Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 never money alphamale... honestly- I have a whack of my own through hard work and a sadly attained inheritance. I would never have to work a day in my life again if I didn't choose to. But I choose to...and the money came from a sad method. Looks? perhaps. but Riddler- you're wrong to assume I don't purposely choose the wrong partners... because I do.... I actually get to know them a bit- see the red flags... and proceed. That's whacked right? Like I think I don't deserve a healthy relationship? It sounds like you're scared of a healthy relationship with a stable person. Were you hurt a great deal in your previous marriage or in a previous relationship? People who date the wrong people tend to do so because they find comfort with somebody they know will not follow through until the end. People fear close relationships, which cannot be formed with these types of people, for various other reasons. Some people value their freedom a great deal and are horrified of being swallowed up in a very loving and emotionally close relationship. There are many people who date those they know beyond a shadow of a doubt are wrong for them. However, they find comfort in this...they also feel secure because they know the outcome in advance. Dating someone who might evolve into a genuine person of romance takes maturity and the ability to take risk. There are also a LOT of romance junkies out there. They date people they're sexually attracted to and have a whirlwind sexual encounter and even some romance....only to quickly tire of that person and go about finding another. It's so much easier to sever a relationship with someone we know is really bad for us.
BonneKarma Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 hmmm, I think I saw mentioned somewhere else the 'I could be the one to change him' complex. Maybe you're searching for that super-explosive, much fabled relationship in which a former bad boy is converted to loving devoted guy through only your kiss. Either that or you going through a masochistic phase. No honestly, I've been there before and couldn't quite figure it out either. It's like the guy believed he was so cool and therefore I believed he really was that cool... some people just give off that crazy energy that makes other people willing to live in their shadow. Insane! Call that one the 'My So Called Life' syndrome.
sweetie7 Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 hmmm i know in my case right now i'm hanging out with the "wrong person" mostly probably because i don't reallly want a relationship right now. and i knoww he's not right for me, but he's fun, adventurous, and hot, and completely different from others guys i've dated. i know he'll probably screw me over big time but i'm having fun and am incredibly attracted to him. the only thing is, i would never date a guy who was actually mean to me. that's not a turn-on to me. the guy i'm hanging out with now is incredibly nice to me, i just know he has a very bad reputation. but i just got out of a really long, tiring relationship and feel like i need to be with someone who's not my typical type...we'll see...
sweetie7 Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 hmmm, I think I saw mentioned somewhere else the 'I could be the one to change him' complex. Maybe you're searching for that super-explosive, much fabled relationship in which a former bad boy is converted to loving devoted guy through only your kiss. oooh yeah there's also a bit of that there for me too. i am highly aware that i will never be able to change a man, but the attraction is still there. i know i'm different than the girls he usually dates and i know he has talked to his friends about wanting to change...so i think there's always that temptation. hmmm i used to be such a simple person; wonder what happened!
dropdeadlegs Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Here are some of the reasons I have dated the wrong man. 1) To piss my parents off. (Did a lot of that in teens and first marriage.) 2) Low self esteem. (I don't deserve better.) 3) "I can change/save him." (All he needs is a good woman!) 4) Afraid to be alone and took the first available offer. 5) Not ready for anything "real." 6) Sexual attraction. I think they have all been mentioned in previous posts, but I have done them all at one time or another. There have been a few really nice men that I just didn't "click" with, but I'm pretty sure I blew them off because of the reasons above (or lack of some reasons.) Every wrong man was "wrong" in a different way. I was honing my "find the right one" skills the entire way. I also think that when you get into these habits/patterns you don't even know what it's like to be treated well until you "luck up" and find a really nice man you can count on and trust who loves you back just as much as you love him. "Healthy" slaps you in the face and it's a big wake up call. I don't think I will have this problem again if I lose my guy. It's like being respected has taught me how to respect myself. I'm not afraid to be alone anymore even though I definitely want love in my life. Nobody out there can complete me, except me! Keep trucking along D-Lish. I didn't find a worthy one until I was a few months shy of 40, and you're getting there!
Woggle Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Because women want the prize which is to turn the wrong man into the right one. They want their little project that they can fix up. I think that many women start out looking to only have fun but as evidenced by this board many of these women go through emotional turmoil when they fall for these men. Some women just have issues and that affects their dating choices. Many men always go for the wrong ones as well. I went for one wrong one and I never have and never will make that mistake again.
Sand&Water Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 RE: Self Fulfilling Prophecy. That is basically it. You go after the men that are clearly NOT your type merely to prove a point to yourself and that point is: "I'm not worthy of dating a good wholesome man right now, so I am going to date the losers until I can realize my own potential." Ultimately, every woman knows what she wants. You know it too, D-Lish. You are just not willing to encourage yourself and place effort, boundaries, and emotions into finding a suitable partner. Sand&Water
sweetie7 Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 "I'm not worthy of dating a good wholesome man right now, so I am going to date the losers until I can realize my own potential."[/i] See though, I don't really agree. I KNOW i'm worthy of dating a nice, wholesome man. I know I deserve it; I think I'm a really good person and will make a nice guy realllly happy. And I'm not going to have trouble finding a nice guy, either. But I need a break from relationships right now. I'm enjoying being on my own and think it's important after being in relationships for 6 years. And I think I just feel like if I'm going to be with a nice guy the rest of my life, why not have a little fun with someone who's sooo different than the guy I typically choose? And he's not going to expect commitment and will show me a good time. I guess that's just me...but that's why I'm doing it.
bazcam Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Then there is a line up of super nice- sweet, wonderful guys waiting in the wings that I couldn't in a million years see myself dating. This is the part I don't understand. If you know these guys are nice and will treat you like a princess, why won't you go out with them. If you're instincts are telling you that you are not attracted to them, why can't you make a conscious decision to override your instincts and go out on a date with a man who will do his utmost to make you happy?
Kamille Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I'm trying to break the 'not right for me' habit by walking away the minute I realize the guy isn't going to bring me anything but trouble. And I think you are too. One thing, how would we know, unless we went on a few dates with them, that they aren't rigth for us? But I know for me it has a lot to do with self-esteem. I do want to meet someone who will make me a priority in their life, and when the guys I date let me walk away I end up wondering what's wrong with me that they wouldn't make more of an effort to keep me close. Last night I decided that I was going to really focus on being happy on my own. I'm gonna stop looking for awhile and focus on finding my center.
DanielMadr Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 If you're purposefully choosing the wrong guys, it's because (1) you're not ready for a real, loving, committed relationship, and/or (2) you don't feel you deserve a real, loving, committed relationship. Yes. Those are the reasons. Any other purposes are just add on BS.
marlena Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 It's the same story with me! Time and time again i am a sitting duck for these types that attract me! Funny thing is I know it right from the start that they are "bad apples'' and yet I fall for them. The very same question plagues me as well. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? What does this say about me?
Missy27 Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I think sometimes it boils down to plain old pot luck aswell. I mean some people only show you what they want you to see dont they? You might fall for someone who you think is wonderful to begin with but 2 years down the line you find out that they have been cheating on you left right and centre. Some women are in marriages for years before said husband lays a finger on them and then they're stuck in a vicious circle of violence and abuse for the next 10 years. I dont think ANY woman would knowingly enter into a relationship with a violent man. Same for a man. He can be the doting, hardworking, responsible husband for god knows how long and then WHACK he suddenly finds out that baby number 3 may not be his. I tend to like a man that's a bit naughty and a bit nice. Someone that's a bit rough round the edges but generally has a good heart. I can't be doing with pretty boys ~ !!
marlena Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Yes, I agree. It's all about not setting boudaries. We do not call it quits right from the start when the red flags are so many that we can hardly see beyond our noses. Now why do we not set boundaries? D - lish listed quite a few. To her list I will add this. It is the thrill - the rush of adrenaline these types provide for us . Done enough times, it becomes a destructive pattern that we can not break away from. We become addicted to that temporary "high" that sends us. We have been conditioned to this. This is what is familiar to us. Anyone that will not give us our "fix" simply bores us to tears.
marlena Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I wouldn't say that it was purposely. I sure as heck wouldn't purposely date the wrong person. Sometimes we don't give ourselves enough time to get to know the person before we fall for them and by the time we do catch their bad side, we are involved too much and its not easy to just walk away. Yes, I would say this could be it! On a conscious level. But what about on a subconcious level? Riddler, and how do you explain the phenomenon of knowing deep in yr gut from day one that this person spells destruction but yet you still proceed?
nicki Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 For me, dating the wrong people is the wrong way to put it. It's more like why do I have trouble leaving people who aren't right for me or who consistently treat me badly? The answer is misplaced hope! I always hoped that they would turn into the guy I thought they were at the beginning. I also mistakenly thought that they had so many other great qualities that I could help them fix the bad quality. Then the guy would be "perfect!" Now, I hope for change for a much shorter period. Hanging around too long in the face of unchanging bad behavior, and I realize I'M the one who's being dysfunctional. Sometimes we are so used to drama that we think dysfunction is love...and, of course, it's not. But to somebody who doesn't think they deserve it, good old fashioned love with a dependable and caring man can seem boring. The poster who said to override your instincts and date more "boring" (read normal) men is absolutely right. Only then can we get a new experience. Once you feel loved and happy with a good, normal guy, even if it starts out feeling "boring", it becomes bliss. Just another way to say what Stargazer and Daniel have already said.
Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I've only ever had one nightmare relationship. Previous to that one, never done it. After that one, never again. I am not a masochist.
Pyro Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Yes, I would say this could be it! On a conscious level. But what about on a subconcious level? Riddler, and how do you explain the phenomenon of knowing deep in yr gut from day one that this person spells destruction but yet you still proceed? Thats a good question. I never experienced that, so I can't say anything. Learn to trust your gut more often I guess.
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