outofdarkness Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I did a LS search for "serial cheaters" and looked pretty carefully at the threads that have dealt with this subject. I did not look at every thread in detail, but off hand, I didn't see anything that dealt specifically with support for W's/SO's of cheaters who are still with the cheater..We ARE a very unique group IMO..We are very misunderstood, sometimes really discriminated against and IMO, it's extremely hard to find support. I have found some wonderful people on LS, one in particular who has become a wonderful friend, but I have also noticed that there are many who judge too quickly, or just plain don't understand even after they are given explanations. I never ask for anyone to agree with my decision to stay w/ my H, just answers to my questions, support and advice. I don't necessarily have to LIKE the advice given, but I do try to pull something out of every post that I might not have been previously aware of. I would love to hear from some of you out there who are still with your CH/CSO AFTER D day...I mean those of you who made the decision to stay after the cheating came to light. Everyone is welcome to post, as long as it's kept on topic, respectful and the advice given in good faith...
Author outofdarkness Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 Is anyone out there interested in sharing about this topic? It would be great if we could share our experiences/stories and offer support to each other.
raincloud Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 but I have also noticed that there are many who judge too quickly, or just plain don't understand even after they are given explanations. I never ask for anyone to agree with my decision to stay w/ my H, just answers to my questions, support and advice. I don't necessarily have to LIKE the advice given, but I do try to pull something out of every post that I might not have been previously aware of. I completely understand where you are coming from. I found out several months ago about my husband's affair, and I am still here trying to work things out. It isn't easy. And yes, most people do not understand. But, I just feel in my heart that I can't let this go, that I need to fight for my family.
Author outofdarkness Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 I completely understand where you are coming from. I found out several months ago about my husband's affair, and I am still here trying to work things out. It isn't easy. And yes, most people do not understand. But, I just feel in my heart that I can't let this go, that I need to fight for my family. Thank you so very much for posting. Lets try to get some support going for our special group of people! We really need an outlet, and I know for me, it's so hard to open up about this to my friends, family, etc., simply BECAUSE they don't understand...The first thing that comes out of anyone's mouth is; "Well, I would have left and taken him to the cleaners, or I would have dropped him like a hot potato...etc". Seems that there's such a stigma attached to it, and I understand why, I just wish that people could be alittle more open minded and understanding. Our reasons for staying are varied and we come from all walks of life, but to us, they are IMPORTANT reasons and valid ones as well. I really tried hard to understand the whole thing and have gotten much support from the folks at LS, but serial cheating is in a league of it's own, and there's just not much on here about it.. PLEASE keep posting, and mabey others will join us...Men who stayed with a CW are welcome to post too! Anyone out there? Thanks again for taking the time to post..Hope to hear from you again.
Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Combatting serial cheating is a difficult road to take. From my experience with one, his issues were a combination of narcissm (self-entitlement) and self-esteem issues, which go hand-in-hand. If your husband is of similar ilk, how will you meet these needs? I can see two avenues myself: The first option would be to agree to an open marriage, where both of you can indulge as you see fit, although once again in my experience, neither my ex (talk about the self-entitled...) nor I, was interested in this. The second option is to attempt to meet his needs by insanely stroking a bloated ego, that inflates and deflates faster than an accordion playing the polka. In its deflated phase, this is the point where they cheat because they need to vampire self-esteem off others.
Author outofdarkness Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 What are your reasons, OOD? I think I've covered that pretty thoroughly in my posts, but here goes again..I love him, I have a sick child, My Mom depends on me, and I the idea of squabbling for the rest of my life over petty little things...and big things regarding a D agreement...AND, I don't want to tear my family apart...Hope this is a good enough explanation..Thanks for posting!
Author outofdarkness Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 Combatting serial cheating is a difficult road to take. From my experience with one, his issues were a combination of narcissm (self-entitlement) and self-esteem issues, which go hand-in-hand. If your husband is of similar ilk, how will you meet these needs? I can see two avenues myself: The first option would be to agree to an open marriage, where both of you can indulge as you see fit, although once again in my experience, neither my ex (talk about the self-entitled...) nor I, was interested in this. The second option is to attempt to meet his needs by insanely stroking a bloated ego, that inflates and deflates faster than an accordion playing the polka. In its deflated phase, this is the point where they cheat because they need to vampire self-esteem off others. Ok..Thanks for your OP..I appreciate your post..
marlena Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Well, I really do not know - each and every case is highly individual- and as I am not prone to sweeping generalizations - I can't - no I won't pass judgement on any person's personal choices. I hear your pain and despair - Wish I could help. Personally speaking, I will say this: I was married to a serial cheater for fifteen yrs. At the time I was young and foolishly in love with him. I never had proof, so I stuck my head in the sand for years and years, concocting all types of excuses to diminish my pain. Until one day, I got the proof I needed. Fifteen yrs later! His girlfriend called me and dropped the bomb. The next day I was at the lawyer's office filing for divorce. I had had enough of my my self -esteem and self- worth being torn to pieces. I will not accept cheating - not for the cheating per se - it happens and there are multitudes of reasons - it is the deception, the absolute lack of respect that I will not accept - That was years ago - but I have left a few boyfriends when I found out the truth - and I will dog for that truth - no matter if it kills me. I have an older sister with an autistic child who is today 32 -my first and most beloved nephew. Her husband has been a total egotistical monster dumping everything on her lap. I don't understand why she has put up with for 35 years. She is chronically depressed and on meds. She has used her autistic son as an excuse over and over again. I don't understand. My daughter was 4 when I first left my husband. After all, he does absolutely nothing to help her with their son. In fact, he is totally apathetic and goes about his own way as if this precious child did not exist.. She is finacially independent...very well off in fact - so it is not a money issue. Why does she stay? Fear? Habit? Insecurity? Love? I do not know. They do not sleep in the same bed. I know I'm not being very helpful. Why do YOU think you are staying? I deeply sympathize with your predicament! I know what it it is like. P.S. She is my favourite sister. And I have three.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I'll chime in here on the lack of support. If I look in my Sunday paper they have a support group for just about everything under the sun! Alanon is a wonderful group for the victims or s/o's of users. There are other groups which help families to deal with physical or psycological handicaps in their loved ones. I have scoured for a group like you have mentioned and other than a few online resources as the relate to NPD I find nothing in my area or even close by.
Author outofdarkness Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 Well, I really do not know - each and every case is highly individual- and as I am not prone to sweeping generalizations - I can't - no I won't pass judgement on any person's personal choices. I hear your pain and despair - Wish I could help. Personally speaking, I will say this: I was married to a serial cheater for fifteen yrs. At the time I was young and foolishly in love with him. I never had proof, so I stuck my head in the sand for years and years, concocting all types of excuses to diminish my pain. Until one day, I got the proof I needed. Fifteen yrs later! His friend called me and dropped the . The next day I was at the lawyer's office filing for divorce. I had had enough of my my self -esteem and self- worth being torn to pieces. I will not accept cheating - not for the cheating per se - it happens and there are multitudes of reasons - it is the deception, the absolute lack of respect that I will not accept - That was years ago - but I have left a few boyfriends when I found out the truth - and I will dog for that truth - no matter if it kills me. I have an older sister with an autistic child who is today 32 -my first and most beloved nephew. Her husband has been a total egotistical monster dumping everything on her lap. I don't understand why she has put up with for 35 years. She is chronically depressed and on meds. She has used her autistic son as an excuse over and over again. I don't understand. My daughter was 4 when I first left my husband. After all, he does absolutely nothing to help her with their son. In fact, he is totally apathetic and goes about his own way as if this precious child did not exist.. She is finacially independent...very well off in fact - so it is not a money issue. Why does she stay? Fear? Habit? Insecurity? Love? I do not know. They do not sleep in the same bed. I know I'm not being very helpful. Why do YOU think you are staying? I deeply sympathize with your predicament! I know what it it is like. P.S. She is my favourite sister. And I have three. Thanks so much for taking the time to post. As far as why I have stayed, I outline that in a previous post on this thread and over and over on other threads since joining last Sept. I too, have Sisters. One has stayed in a M that has been troubled many times, and the other left her H and child to be w/her OM in another state. So, have seen the repercussions from both ends of the spectrum. Oh, and I can't forget about my OWN situation! We ALL have our reasons, and really, even if it's a close family member...NOT one single person except the W and H and mabey kids, know first hand what goes on behind closed doors. People know the facts and mabey what they've been told when the relative/friend is angry and hurt, but what is the REAL story. There are two sides to every story, and IMO, both sides deserve to be heard. Thanks again for taking the time to post...Please come back!
Author outofdarkness Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 I'll chime in here on the lack of support. If I look in my Sunday paper they have a support group for just about everything under the sun! Alanon is a wonderful group for the victims or s/o's of users. There are other groups which help families to deal with physical or psycological handicaps in their loved ones. I have scoured for a group like you have mentioned and other than a few online resources as the relate to NPD I find nothing in my area or even close by. Thanks IWWH! I had been thinking about starting a thread like this since joining LS. I hope for a good response to mabey get a good group going...We DO need support!
Frances Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Hi ODD It would be good to have a support group just for BS. We all stay for different reasons. The reasons I stay are many, I still love the cheating Bas""" , family reasons, why should the whole family suffer because he cheated. I am suffering anyway and would still suffer if we break up. Its a matter of which is worse and in my case I think leaving would be worse because I would be bringing the family down with me and I would suffer more from that, also its about washing your dirty linen in public. The saying, "Better the devil you know than the devil you do'nt. look after yourself
Author outofdarkness Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 Hi ODD It would be good to have a support group just for BS. We all stay for different reasons. The reasons I stay are many, I still love the cheating Bas""" , family reasons, why should the whole family suffer because he cheated. I am suffering anyway and would still suffer if we break up. Its a matter of which is worse and in my case I think leaving would be worse because I would be bringing the family down with me and I would suffer more from that, also its about washing your dirty linen in public. The saying, "Better the devil you know than the devil you do'nt. look after yourself oh, yes, the old washing your dirty laundry in public...VERY familiar w/ it and VERY familiar w/ not wanting to bring the whole family down w/ my H. His is a very politically connected family w/ much wealth and respect in our community and beyond. A public D would be devastating for all involved. Don't want to sound like a martyr...just someone who doesn't like to see other's suffer....Thanks for posting! Keep coming back!
Ripples Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I think I've covered that pretty thoroughly in my posts, but here goes again..I love him, I have a sick child, My Mom depends on me, and I the idea of squabbling for the rest of my life over petty little things...and big things regarding a D agreement...AND, I don't want to tear my family apart...Hope this is a good enough explanation..Thanks for posting! Yes, I know you've talked about your reasons in past threads, I guess I wanted to ask you straight, when your mind is focussed on the reasons, incase you saw anything different. I don't see one reason there that makes it good for you to stay, and I could give you a counter reason for every one you've listed. All I see is a lot of pain about the present and past with him and even more fear about a future without him. Although my exbf was a serial cheater, we weren't married and I didn't have the responsibilities, the complications and the worries that you have. I can only imagine the strength it must take to live your life and thus I can only think that you have more than enough strength to build a better one.
Author outofdarkness Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 Yes, I know you've talked about your reasons in past threads, I guess I wanted to ask you straight, when your mind is focussed on the reasons, incase you saw anything different. I don't see one reason there that makes it good for you to stay, and I could give you a counter reason for every one you've listed. All I see is a lot of pain about the present and past with him and even more fear about a future without him. Although my exbf was a serial cheater, we weren't married and I didn't have the responsibilities, the complications and the worries that you have. I can only imagine the strength it must take to live your life and thus I can only think that you have more than enough strength to build a better one. I appreciate your honesty and taking the time to post...Thanks!
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