BonneKarma Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I'm posting this here because I want general opinions from a diverse crowd. Okay, I really want a lover who's assertive, passionate and playful. But because I tend to date 'nice guys' I find that often it's like they're either afraid to really let go and show me that passion, or maybe that they just don't have it in them. It hasn't worked for me in the past to wait a while, until we're more comfortable and then bring it up. At that point it seems like a blow to the ego or something. I also think that by then we've already settled into some patterns and that could make it more difficult for the guy to think about changing. I'd like to try a different approach. Do you think it would make any difference if from the very beginning, before the first time, I told the guy that I'd really like him to be free with me and not hold back? I don't want to be thought of a slut, but I'm also not afraid to ask for what I need if that means I'll get what I need. I just don't want to be in another relationship where we only have sex after we've both brushed our teeth... and even then he's going to wait until I've made the first move.
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Okay, I really want a lover who's assertive, passionate and playful. Duh, don't we all? But because I tend to date 'nice guys' I find that often it's like they're either afraid to really let go and show me that passion, or maybe that they just don't have it in them. Really? Weird. I've found the 'bad boys' to be assertive (they get what they want, that's for sure, while leaving you...um...without), and the 'nice guys' to be passionate and playful (the best combo, IMO). Truly. In my experience, the nice guys aren't all about getting their jollies off and then rolling over to fall asleep (the way bad boys are). Good guys are just as interested in the connection, the mutual pleasure, the fun of it all, as they are about the orgasm. It hasn't worked for me in the past to wait a while, until we're more comfortable and then bring it up. At that point it seems like a blow to the ego or something. I also think that by then we've already settled into some patterns and that could make it more difficult for the guy to think about changing. TELLING a guy that he's not doing it for you in the boudoir is certain to be a huge blow to his ego. Wouldn't it be to yours? Instead, how about showing him what you'd like - why don't YOU be more assertive and passionate towards him? Men aren't dumb - but they are visual and tactile creatures. Show them and touch them, and they're figure it out. Do you think it would make any difference if from the very beginning, before the first time, I told the guy that I'd really like him to be free with me and not hold back? I don't want to be thought of a slut, but I'm also not afraid to ask for what I need if that means I'll get what I need. I'd refrain from bringing it up from the very beginning before you're even naked together - you'd come across as difficult to please. Do you think you might be? I just don't want to be in another relationship where we only have sex after we've both brushed our teeth... and even then he's going to wait until I've made the first move. :lmao::lmao: That one hit home!
Author BonneKarma Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 Haha, Star_Gazer I love your response. Okay, so maybe I didn't exactly say that right. Let me try again. no, I don't think I'm difficult to please. I don't even mind if I don't have an orgasm as long as we've both had a great time. I've had several relationships with nice guys who are very attentive and more than willing to kiss me softly and touch and pleasure me, etc. That's great. And just as much, I enjoy spoiling my lover with all sorts of attention and love learning what drives him crazy. What I'm looking for though is a guy with a bit of a wild side, who is still the caring and attentive man I love. I don't want a lifetime of vanilla sex, I want someone who's not afraid to tell me about different fantasies or suggest different positions. Nothing crazy, just not so routine. After the first six months, instead of getting more comfortable with eachother and exploring more, all of my 'nice guy' lovers have turned into men whose kisses you can hardly feel. Someone has to know what I mean. What I'm wondering is if you can bring that out in a person, or not. I was thinking about it tonight and just thought that maybe if I hinted from the beginning that I liked that kind of thing that we'd start off on the right foot rather than having to try and find some passion later and deal with a bruised ego. Maybe you're right though that it's a bad idea. I was just brainstorming. For the record, I've never told a guy he was 'doing it wrong' but I have found that although we constantly talk about how we should be able to show a guy what we like, etc. the men I've been with aren't very receptive to that. Even a 'oh yeah, just like that' (which I would have thought would reinforce that they're already doing the right thing) is often preceded by them stopping exactly what they were doing. With only a few exceptions, my experience has been that most men don't like any advice or direction once they're already in bed or have bedded , or have I dated weird men.
sweetie7 Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 That's a tough one...I totally know what you mean. I would have a hard time being in a relationship with boring sex and I've been really lucky so far as far as finding nice guys that are pretty adventurous. I guess the only advice I can think of is that you need to suggest stuff. Somehow, let him know from the start that you like to be a little crazy...wait until you're already having sex, though. If you start off by suggesting little things, he might see how open you are and open up more himself. Who knows...he could be thinking "we've been together 6 months and she seems to like it like this, so I won't try to push her for more," when maybe, he really would like more. I think that's what I do. It's hard because I hate feeling "slutty" and having the guy think I'm crazy in bed when he's not really at all. But maybe he just needs a little opening up. And I find that most guys, even nice ones, like sexual girls. Lady on the streets and a freak in the sheets..what guy wouldn't like that??
dropdeadlegs Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I think I would at least hint to what I like before even getting intimate, and I'd let that lie on his brain for several days. I don't think there is anything wrong with broaching the subject prior to the act and letting him know you like to be adventurous, like verbal responses, like to be "ravished", or whatever it is that you do like. I'm pretty adaptable. When he's turned on I think it benefits me, and vice versa. My man likes a lot of talking, moaning, even "screaming" when the kids aren't around. I'm happy to oblige! We talk about sex a lot and it's very comfortable. Much more comfortable than in many past relationships. I enjoy sex more than ever before and I think it's because I know I can ask for what I want and he'll move heaven and Earth to give it to me. If either of us wants to try something, we try it!
Krytellan Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 For the record, I've never told a guy he was 'doing it wrong' but I have found that although we constantly talk about how we should be able to show a guy what we like, etc. the men I've been with aren't very receptive to that. Even a 'oh yeah, just like that' (which I would have thought would reinforce that they're already doing the right thing) is often preceded by them stopping exactly what they were doing. With only a few exceptions, my experience has been that most men don't like any advice or direction once they're already in bed or have bedded , or have I dated weird men. Wow, I have to admit I'm stumped. I can't imagine these men really exist, but they obviously do. I just am of the mind that any man that wouldn't be willing to take any useful direction from a woman in bed must have other personality traits that reflect this tendency too, hmm? Is it possible to weed them out based on their unwillingess to be swayed by your opinions in other things? Maybe a good way to test a guy before sleeping with him is to ask him for a back rub and then tell him very specifically how you want him to do it (just the first time, to see). If he's not willing to take direction on a back rub that's probably a good indication of what to expect in bed. Just a thought.
GregsBad Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Having that kind of passion is what it's all about to me. I have to say, that none of my buddies seem to "get it". But I think there are "bad boys" who seriously enjoy taking care of the girl. Anyway it's not hard to give those signals to a girl early on. While not every girl appreciates it or responds back, way more than enough do. I don't have time for any others. I love it ... I wish I discovered this long long ago. It CAN'T be all that hard to find a Mr. Goodbar Is it?
GregsBad Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Maybe a good way to test a guy before sleeping with him is to ask him for a back rub and then tell him very specifically how you want him to do it (just the first time, to see). If he's not willing to take direction on a back rub that's probably a good indication of what to expect in bed. Just a thought. I think that's a good idea.
VirtualInsanity Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Maybe a good way to test a guy before sleeping with him is to ask him for a back rub and then tell him very specifically how you want him to do it (just the first time, to see). If he's not willing to take direction on a back rub that's probably a good indication of what to expect in bed. Just a thought. Great suggestion! Have to remember that.
StartingOver07 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Someone has to know what I mean. I do. I have only been with one man who I was completely compatible with sexually and one who came pretty close. In both cases, these were guys with whom I'd talked about sex before we actually had it. I don't mean that I interviewed them (lol!) but that our conversations had touched on this topic and we pretty much knew ahead of time that we were on the same page as far as our adventurousness. I think talking is a better predictor than the back rub thing. I have known guys who could give damn ed good backrubs (and take direction while doing so) but were pretty ordinary in bed.
dropdeadlegs Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I think talking is a better predictor than the back rub thing. I have known guys who could give damn ed good backrubs (and take direction while doing so) but were pretty ordinary in bed. I have a man who is amazing in bed and gives a sucky back rub, but I'm keeping him anyway.
Star Gazer Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 It's not about backrubs or talking. It's about the kiss. It's ALL about the kiss - not just what his lips and mouth are doing, but where his hands are and what they're doing and how he's holding you...just thinking about it...oh my, it's getting hot in here. I think you can kinda "train" a guy to hit the right spots in bed, but it's nearly impossible to change the natural way he kisses a woman. Bonne - okay, I think it's totally fair game to drop the hint that you want to be ravished (at times). That's a great word, and very descriptive of what you're talking about (yes, I understand what you mean). You want the "throw down," the animal instinct. I get that, totally. I generally don't like sweet, touchy-feely, delicate sex either. It's gotta be hot, even when it's all deeply emotional. Also, FWIW, I've found the guys who've been in long term relationships to be much better in bed than those who've had tons of women.
Green Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 id be sure to bang ur head into my head board, and then Id pull out my stunt moves with my wicked names
dave2000 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 [COLOR=black]I find it interesting how many women always think they know so much about sex. It would be best if both women and man try to learn how to please each other. If you asked him what he liked and worked on learning new methods, it would be much easier to explain what you like.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]I know that the belief is that men are happy if they get sex but each person if different. It takes time and good communications to teach each other. [/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Times New Roman]I really don't buy that "bad boy" thing. I would guess it's just that you feel more open when you label them as a "bad boy". Sex is all in the head!![/FONT][/COLOR]
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