20SomethingTeacher Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I am in a pretty serious relationship with a wonderful guy who I have had a great time with in the past 8 months we have been together. Unfortunately, I am noticing that the longer we are together, the bitchier I am becoming. I am clearly fully willing to admit this... it has been a problem in every relationship that I have been in and I don't know what to do about it! Background info-- I don't have any serious issues, I'm not an emotional nutcase, I'm not bipolar nor do I have anxiety disorder. But I find myself going from zero to sixty in a split second in situations when I am just not happy with my boyfriend. Let me elaborate on my definition of my bitchiness: I need to be in control a lot of the time, and find myself talking down to him. Sometimes I just don't think before I speak, and then after I say it, I feel horrible and guilty. I find the need to make little snide comments here and there and have been told that it is belittling. I don't know WHY I do this and I hate that I do this. He and I were cooking last night and I was snipping at him about helping me out, when he was doing the best he could... It's like I can never be satisfied, I always find something to critique. We love eachother very much, but this seems to be happening more often, about the littlest things. I have a hard time of letting go of things that happen. Can anybody relate to this? Ladies? Guys?
Curmudgeon Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I am noticing that the longer we are together, the bitchier I am becoming. I'm not bipolar nor do I have anxiety disorder. It's like I can never be satisfied, I always find something to critique. Can anybody relate to this? Ladies? Guys? Starting from the bottom up, I can relate to this. Sounds like the ex and is a good part of why she's the ex even though we were married 25 years. I'd finally had enough. Your lack of ability to be satisfied sounds like a definite control problem intermingled with a problem with verbal abuse. I'd suggest counseling to get to the bottom of it. What does bipolar have to do with any of this? My wife is bipolar and infinitely more enjoyable to be with than anyone else before her. As for the longer you're together the more difficult you become, back to the counseling recommendation. The longer any of us are with partners the more we learn, perceive and have to deal with where they're concerned. It's the human condition. I have to wonder if you're commitment-phobic and "have to" sabotage your own relationships before they really take root. I'd decidedly seek some help with this.
BonneKarma Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I've had this happen to me. Yikes, I hate it too. That's not the person we want to be, so does it happen anyways. Curmudgeon made a decent point that it could be a fear of committment, although I personally have been in long-term relationships where this didn't happen to me and so that doesn't quite explain it. As near as I can figure it happens when for some reason or other I lose respect for the person, and generally that's because they are too much of a doormat. The relationships in which it hasn't happened have been very evenly balanced, and with someone who has a strong sense of their own identity. Counseling is never a bad idea, but I personally don't think you're crazy or have control issues per se. I think it results from not listening to your own intuition earlier on. Does this make any sense to you?
jcster Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 As near as I can figure it happens when for some reason or other I lose respect for the person, and generally that's because they are too much of a doormat. I got this way with my ex husband a few years before we broke up. By that time, I didn't respect him very much and I was fed up with his passive aggression. In my opinion, you're responding to a frustration that you feel but can't pinpoint. A lot of people will say it's a control issue, but I've found that it's not, it's misplaced aggression, and until you find the source, it will continue to be a problem.
BonneKarma Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 passive aggressive - yes, thanks jcster, that's the correct term I was looking for. You said it much better than I, but that's totally what I'm talking about. You know you're not treating him fairly but you have some misplaced aggression you can't pinpoint and it grates on your nerves till you snap!
DanielMadr Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I am in a pretty serious relationship with a wonderful guy who I have had a great time with in the past 8 months we have been together. Unfortunately, I am noticing that the longer we are together, the bitchier I am becoming. I am clearly fully willing to admit this... it has been a problem in every relationship that I have been in and I don't know what to do about it! Background info-- I don't have any serious issues, I'm not an emotional nutcase, I'm not bipolar nor do I have anxiety disorder. But I find myself going from zero to sixty in a split second in situations when I am just not happy with my boyfriend. Let me elaborate on my definition of my bitchiness: I need to be in control a lot of the time, and find myself talking down to him. Sometimes I just don't think before I speak, and then after I say it, I feel horrible and guilty. I find the need to make little snide comments here and there and have been told that it is belittling. I don't know WHY I do this and I hate that I do this. He and I were cooking last night and I was snipping at him about helping me out, when he was doing the best he could... It's like I can never be satisfied, I always find something to critique. We love eachother very much, but this seems to be happening more often, about the littlest things. I have a hard time of letting go of things that happen. Can anybody relate to this? Ladies? Guys? Im sure it doesnt happen that much when you are in state of happiness. So it could be him, it could be work or it could be you. However even if it was because of him or work or whatever, you should be able to contain bad mood, solve problems and dont let yourself poisonning the air. I think you can manage that, because you were very honest here to yourself, not blamig others. Are your parents vicious, sarcastic and 'everything can be done a little better, especially our way'? I suggest the best treatment is focusing on your emotional state in any given moment and consciously force yourself to be calm, collected and more easy going, broadminded and forgiving. As a last resort bite your tongue every time you feel poison is forming in your mouth:)
Javelin Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I'm sorta the same way... Hey I notice your from Massachusetts too, perhaps you want to switch partners? You and I should get together and your boyfriend can have my girlfriend. Jokes aside, the advice given was more than enough... I hope it helps!
Ripples Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 OP, I've been exactly the same way. Exactly. It's one of the things that contributed to my previous relationship going off the rails. You've identified the control issue you have and I think that's where my bitchiness stems from, too. It's like I've wanted my partner to be my parent. To mindread my needs, my feelings and my thoughts. To always give me what I want without me having to request it. Ok, I'm overstating it, but I'm sure you get my point. The thing is, it really helps if you can recognise only you can make you happy and that no one else is responsible for your happiness. This sounds very selfish, but I've found that making my own decisions, doing what I want to do without constantly consulting my bf has not only made me less reliant on my bf to fulfil me and thus removed pressure from him and our relationship, it's made me more confident, less demanding generally and more able to give others what they need. CBT has helped with this, maybe it would help you? Otherwise, counselling, as has been suggested, could be a good route to go down. Just make sure you get a counsellor that is well versed in this.
DanielMadr Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 OP, I've been exactly the same way. Exactly. It's one of the things that contributed to my previous relationship going off the rails. You've identified the control issue you have and I think that's where my bitchiness stems from, too. It's like I've wanted my partner to be my parent. To mindread my needs, my feelings and my thoughts. To always give me what I want without me having to request it. Ok, I'm overstating it, but I'm sure you get my point. The thing is, it really helps if you can recognise only you can make you happy and that no one else is responsible for your happiness. This sounds very selfish, but I've found that making my own decisions, doing what I want to do without constantly consulting my bf has not only made me less reliant on my bf to fulfil me and thus removed pressure from him and our relationship, it's made me more confident, less demanding generally and more able to give others what they need. CBT has helped with this, maybe it would help you? Otherwise, counselling, as has been suggested, could be a good route to go down. Just make sure you get a counsellor that is well versed in this. Interesing confession. I tried to find out what CBT states for and I came up with C0ck and Ball Torture fetish of some twisted kind.. I hope it is not that serious
Ripples Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 You were either using a search engine that is probably illegal, or you're trying to be amusing as the first hit on Google gives the the correct term. I suspect the latter.
Author 20SomethingTeacher Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 I was merely being proactive when mentioning these disorders. I work with children who have them and I love them very much. I did not mean to put bipolar disorder in a negative light. Just saving myself some explanation.
DanielMadr Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 You were either using a search engine that is probably illegal, or you're trying to be amusing as the first hit on Google gives the the correct term. I suspect the latter. The latter as always. However, try to type in the Google "dating CBT"....you get "Erotic Dominatrix Online Dating". You forget to write how you cope or already solved the problem. Has the knowledge of the reasons driven the bitchiness away?
Ripples Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 As I said, CBT has helped. It's enabled me to correct my twisted thinking. I think the knowledge of my reactions and consequent vigilance of the same help me to curb them. But the biggest thing that has made the difference is being proactive - going out there and forging my own path, making my own decisions. Yes, it means my BF isn't consulted as often as I would have done in the past, but it really doesn't seem to effect him or our relationship negatively.
DanielMadr Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I was merely being proactive when mentioning these disorders. I work with children who have them and I love them very much. I did not mean to put bipolar disorder in a negative light. Just saving myself some explanation. Some single parents of hyperactive children create the issues themselves simply by giving the child anything they want, somehow filling a need to be liked in their own life, and at the child’s expense I hate the idea but I have to agree that consistent discipline is the key. Kids are not prepared for too much freedom. Freedom comes with responsibility and it is heavy burden. I come from school system with tough discipline and it is not OK. But being too benevolent with children - letting them have it their way is also bad. Disorders you name exist but when "untreated" it just sky rocket. Hyperactive child, going from depression to hyper state terrorizing all around can be "cured" in days. I didnt believe it but Ive seen it happen. And nothing drastic. Lines are drawn, bad behaviour is not revarded with drama of any kind and achievements are rewarded. In some point you just shout. Of course it is already late when you have to be that harsh, but it wont get better, calling it by some medical term and hope to fizzle it out. It wont. Reasons for this behaviour are in most cases somewhere else than in the childs brain. Cure for ADD
DanielMadr Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 As I said, CBT has helped. It's enabled me to correct my twisted thinking. I think the knowledge of my reactions and consequent vigilance of the same help me to curb them. But the biggest thing that has made the difference is being proactive - going out there and forging my own path, making my own decisions. Yes, it means my BF isn't consulted as often as I would have done in the past, but it really doesn't seem to effect him or our relationship negatively. So simply said...you are more happy with yourself hence happy in general. You are in good mood then and hence have no need to terrorize your SO. Nice:)
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