lost0604 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 alright i hope this works cause i have done this a few times with no luck. Here is my situation. I am married with a toddler and he is married with two children. we have known one another for something like 6-7 years. We have been working together for a few years now. We started off as close friends and the door just sort of opened to more. We have carried a "relationship" for about 3 years now, the last year increasing in intensity and creating discussions of a future. I truly have a hard time with our situation and have tried to end it now for oh god a long time. I try but always fail. He's truly what I want in life and he claims I am too but he struggles with some issues that hold him back from making the big plunge. We have both seeked help with a close friend and therapists to try and figure this out. We spend as much time as we can but it's not nearly enough. His issues as he states are the guilt of destroying his family and effecting his kids well being and also his financial status as he struggles to support his family let alone having to support two families. I am so torn on what to do. My husband and I have had many ups and downs but he is trying to make things work and i am feeling terribly guilty carry this on and wonder if the best thing is to take advantage of my husbands latest attempts to make things work or wait and pray my MM makes the move. sincerely distraught.
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 First, I'd like you to read this thread....(atleast the first post) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t121261/ You cannot even attempt to work on your marriage, let alone open your heart again with your husband UNTIL the MM is OUT of your life in every way possible. Don't rely on the MM to make his move. Do your spouses know that the two of you have been having an affair? I commend you for trying to end this, it's unfair and only bringing pain and confusion into your life. That and you're taking a big chance of losing everything that you're comfortable with now...Your husband, keeping your family intact, your house, your inlaws/friends/neighbours...All that you're secure about, will be turned upside down...And, even worse for your husband and child.
Author lost0604 Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 well thank you for reading and replying and i agree with you wholely about not being able to work on things unless MM is out of the picture. It's getting him out that is the hard part. Especially working together and unfortunately I am unable to find a job elsewhere based on my availability of babysitters this job allows me a great schedule that works perfectly. As for the post you wanted me to read I disagree. I think it was awfully harsh and was directed to a small group of people. I don't believe most affairs happen in marriages where the other person is so devoted and giving etc. I believe most affairs happen based on some rather large issues in the marriage. Agreed you should then get out not look for what you want elsewhere...admittedly that was wrong...but i do think it is what allows the one's involved in the affair to justify it. Again not in all cases...but I know for me that was the case. I apologize if I read the post incorrectly. Anyway, I do thank you for your advice and will take it into consideration. Much appreciated.
Topper Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Your waiting for your waiting to take advantage of your husbands latest efforts or your m MM to make a move. You need to take responsibility for yourself. It is obvious you do not want to be in your marriage any longer. Separate from your Husband. Find a place on your own.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 My husband and I have had many ups and downs but he is trying to make things work and i am feeling terribly guilty carry this on and wonder if the best thing is to take advantage of my husbands latest attempts to make things work or wait and pray my MM makes the move. sincerely distraught. Take advantage of your husbands attempt to make it work??? I'm not sure I understand, your husband is trying to make your marriage work, you are in love with another man but can't be together because it would cost too much (financially and otherwise) and your wondering whether you should actually put some efforts in to your husband or wait around to see if your MM loves you enough to give up half of everything he has? I've always been a bird in the hand kind of person myself.
quankanne Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I don't believe most affairs happen in marriages where the other person is so devoted and giving etc. I believe most affairs happen based on some rather large issues in the marriage. ugh, hate to be the ugly one here, but affairs are based on pure and simple selfishness, disguised as "love" ... how many adulterous relationships have a spouse waiting at home, in the dark about the situation and completely confident of their husband's or wife's love for her/him? For that person waiting at home, there is no issue so big that their mate needs to fall into an extramarital relationship. I know you're confused, and hurting because you're torn, but the bottom line is, what is the right thing to do? Leave your husband so you can freely pursue this other man? Give up the other guy once and for all so you can focus on your husband? Because there really are no other options here ...
Jinxx Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 It doesn't sound like you are getting the answers you need from the therapist. Have you considered switching to another one? If you are sincere in wanting to work it out with your husband due to his attempts then you need to find the strength to break it off. I'm sorry but I think staying for the kids is nothing more than an excuse. The guilt issues goes along with it -- kids or no kids. If MM wanted a future with you then he'd leave. Good luck to you.
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 well thank you for reading and replying and i agree with you wholely about not being able to work on things unless MM is out of the picture. It's getting him out that is the hard part. Especially working together and unfortunately I am unable to find a job elsewhere based on my availability of babysitters this job allows me a great schedule that works perfectly. As for the post you wanted me to read I disagree. I think it was awfully harsh and was directed to a small group of people. I don't believe most affairs happen in marriages where the other person is so devoted and giving etc. I believe most affairs happen based on some rather large issues in the marriage. Agreed you should then get out not look for what you want elsewhere...admittedly that was wrong...but i do think it is what allows the one's involved in the affair to justify it. Again not in all cases...but I know for me that was the case. I apologize if I read the post incorrectly. Anyway, I do thank you for your advice and will take it into consideration. Much appreciated. You're welcome. Okay, well if that thread didn't hit home, maybe this one will...This is a thread by DazednConfused, it's about his pain, his suffering and learning how to rebuild his trust and faith in his wife after she cheated on him. Maybe reading his thread will make you understand that pain that your husband could be experiencing....I'm sure you don't want your H to find out about your MM, but chances are, he suspects something isn't right...He just trusts you and isn't looking at the red flags staring at him in the face. Anyway, I hope you read Dazed's thread, if anything, just so you can understand what you'll be putting your family through if you don't completely end your affair and cut ALL contact with the MM. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398 Good luck and keep posting, many people can support you and encourage you to stay in NC mode.
Author lost0604 Posted June 9, 2007 Author Posted June 9, 2007 ok i am slightly confused.... i was under the impression this forum was for the otherman/other woman. I was hoping for guidance not judgement. I seem to have gotten both and i suppose i should have expected that. for those of you that were able to offer some guidance as oppossed to judgement i appreciate your words of advice. I guess i was hoping for someone that has been in my position before to help me figure out the right thing. I am deeply in love with MM but i do realize it's the wrong thing but anyone who has been in love knows how hard it is to walk away regardless of the situation. i have no rights to him in actuality and i realize that, but there are times i believe he will leave or maybe i just want it so bad i let myself to believe. sigh i don't know. i suppose i am deserving of all the previous comments. I guess what i am looking for is a crystal ball and that is more unrealistic. ugh...life is soooo confusing.
norajane Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 I'm not sure what kind of guidance you are looking for. You've received replies saying: - good for you for realizing you need to end your current situation - try to understand the pain your husband might be feeling, even though he might not know about the affair, he certainly knows there are problems in your marriage and that you are not all 'there' - there is no way to work on your marriage if you stay in the affair - end the affair or leave your husband, those are your only options - get a new therapist since this one isn't helping you What else can we tell you? We don't have crystal balls, at least not functioning ones. What we can tell you is that a majority of MM never leave their wives for their affair partners. The ones that do leave, tend to do it during the first year of the affair. So continuing the affair and waiting for him to leave is most likely a losing proposition - he's not going to leave. The odds are heavily against him leaving. What we can tell you is that affairs are an extreme disservice to the Betrayed Spouse who has every reason to expect integrity and fidelity. Even if they don't know about the affair yet, the effects of the affair are rotting your marriage over time, as well as your MM's marriage. Your head and heart are not in the marriage, and that shows. Eventually, when the affair comes to light and the BS finds out this his life with you is based on a lie, the effects are generally devastating. What we can tell you is that if you want to fix your marriage, having no contact with the MM except for work reasons is the only way to get out of your affair. No trying to be 'friends'. No chats, no drinks after work, nothing. You go to work, do your job, talk or email about work matters, and then go home. What we can tell you is to start going to marital counseling with your husband. Whatever his attempts have been to fix things, yes, make an effort. What we can tell you is, if you aren't prepared to end the affair and work on your marriage, leave your husband now. Staying is selfish, and you aren't doing it for the toddler - you are doing it because you are afraid of being on your own. But you already know all this. So there isn't any guidance we can give you. There is no silver bullet, no magic wand, nothing that is going to make anything better without you actually doing something that is hard.
whirlwinds_sister Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 With all due respect, you have to let this OM go if you have agreed with your H to work on things and he is working on them. If you aren't sure yet if that is what you want, may I suggest a separation so you can think about what it is you really want out of your life? And if it is your H, then you have to let this OM go. BTW, I suggest you separate from them both while you decide, but be prepared, even if you decide it is over with your H, it may not inspire the OM to leave even with you as a sure thing. I know human emotions are too complicated to say he doesn't love you, but in my experience the OM doesn't usually love the woman ENOUGH to change his circumstances. If things are not happy he may weigh keeping his financial status intact, being able to see his children everyday, and still having sex regularly even if his wife isn't always loving as a lot more of a positive over being with a woman he's crazy about, but not seeing his children full time, taking on the responsibility of another man's children(and one who may very well be irate that he is involved during your marriage), and losing a good portion of his income to his xW. I think sometimes men(and women) weigh these lofty feelings of infatuation versus what they will lose and decide, even if it feels good, it isn't worth it. Like I've said before, the devil they know versus the one they don't. Something always very sobering in these situations is they may very well have felt that their current spouse was the best thing since sliced bread when they met--when you see how much people can change, it makes you wary to take that chance again that this new person will be any different in 10 years and under the burden of the everyday.
Author lost0604 Posted June 10, 2007 Author Posted June 10, 2007 NoraJane: Wow thank you so much. Your reply was great and yes you are right I did receive that advice from others. Which I acknowledge. I suppose I got caught up in some of the judgement thrown my way. Mostly because I am struggling with judging myself. Also only I know my husband and our relationship so I can understand how everyone feels how he is clueless and is committed. My H and I HAVE separated...a few times actually. This last time was for 6 mos. he just moved back. We did decide to try but still live apart only his new place fell through and I couldn't let him sleep in his car, but I did express my feelings of confusion. My H DOES struggle with a drinking problem and HAS lied and spoken and also hung out with other women behind my back...supposively as "friends" but a woman knows....and I knew...hence the reason I kickedhim out...so please understand that although i commend his current efforts i have much to move on from before i can give him a 100%. I suppose that is the reason I am still hanging on to MM...because I know that even if I let go...my chance at happiness may not be in the cards...being the my H has a past of lying and being deceiving. AGAIN he has changed a lot compared to past times but when so much has happened it's hard to let go, so i guess i am trying to figure out if i ever can. Whirlwind: Thank you to you also. I appreciate your words. I think I know he'll never leave but letting go of the feelings and the connection...is hard...especially since i am struggling to find that with H after all we have been through. He IS worried about his financial situation and not seeing kids everyday for sure...that is what holds him back...he claims everyday he is getting closer and closer to being with me...even saw a therapist and seeked advice from friends recently...he wants this he is just scared and i know this and i also know that may just be enough to keep him from ever doing it. I am really trying to end it at this point, but working with him makes it hard, and I am weak. admittedly. I will keep working on this and I appreciate everything you all have said.
norajane Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 Your H and this MM are not the only men in the world! Your choices for your life are not limited to either one or the other! Maybe it would do you some good to get your H out of your house AND end the emotional/physical contact you have with MM. Not only will it make both of them realize that they are responsible for their own lives and actions and need to figure out what they want, but it will give you time to see that you can stand on your own two feet and maybe you'd be better off that way. Become Missouri, the Show Me state...force them (by your withdrawal from both) to SHOW YOU who they are and what they will DO, rather than just listening to their TALK. You don't need either of them, especially when both are sources of major turmoil and neither is emotionally healthy. You can make it on your own. Gain that confidence in yourself, and you might just find another man altogether who can be a lot better for you and your child.
upto_here Posted June 10, 2007 Posted June 10, 2007 To be honest with you i am not in much different situation from you ,i also worked with my MM which is even harder its always back and forward and i know deeply how you felt and i am surprised we are similar,,,my H ALSO work out on our M too,Can i asks you that do you want your M to work or not ? or you just let it go day by day.....i find it hard too about what going on same as you my work is very convenient and a very good pay..but.i find my courage to leave the job and persue another career who know it may be disaster !! but i just want it to end in that way that i think it is the easiest way out for me because being near him al the time its make matter worst because you know you have feeling for each other....and the end of the day i know ,WE both know that theA IS NEVER GONNA WORK no matter how you work out to be together..you always want more.and everytime its hurt like hell..... you better take step by step at the time i think some of the opinion is right just try to seperated from both of them and figure it out what do you want more from H or MM but i won't count on MM as he will never be there for you ...he have first priority which is his family.....i always remind myself that ..everytime ,,i know its sad and may be you don't want to acknowledge it but its the truth ,and the truth hurt,right!!!i don't know what to give for the advice apart from i felt the pain,the weaknest,how scare if you loose both of them....i know you love him ,may be more than your H ,i know,,,,but what worth more is that the kids who become involved ..and if you try to work out on M and its not work ,,better leave ,,not because of the A but leave beacuase you can't stay in the M and as for MM try to end it they will never leave their family believe me no matter what they say ,i'm not saying he a liar but men they afraid of changing !!!! as i try to figure it out myself idon't know what to do either but i know one thing i will take step by step at the time ...we have our weaknest but don't let it overcome yourself....a big hug to you ..try to be strong...YOU KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.....!!!!
Author lost0604 Posted June 10, 2007 Author Posted June 10, 2007 NoraJane: being alone is def. a scary thought having never really been but when H and I separated I did get to a point where I knew I was going to be ok. I know I could do it it's not so much the fear of being alone it's that I truly love MM with all that I am and I truly fought the fight with all that I am. Sadly I DO realize I can't fight alone and no matter how much he loves me...3 yrs later here we are. It's not good enough and it never will be, and deep down I know if he were gonna do it he would have already. He tends to get so overwhelmed by it all and shuts down, not very prodcutive...obviously. It just hurts too much...the disappointment. I naively think after each time together or that special group of words is just gonna hit him and he's gonna see he CAN do this, but I am not sure that group of words are in my vocabulary. Sigh. upto here: It's nice to have a sympathetic view...one in my shoes. I once not too long ago had a new job offer. a good one at that. he convinced me not to take it more or less...I just wanted to believe if I gave him just a little longer he'd do it. obviously that didn't go as i had hoped...the disappointment is great...i feel ruined. He has shown so much I never knew existed, made me feel ways I never knew I could. I know what I must do though, and I will work much harder at finding yet another job and hope I am lucky enough to find another after turning down the last one like a fool. Hurting more than words could describe. I went out last night...and he surprised me and met me there...the first time ever we had a public night...it was crazy...felt soooooooooo great...yet i felt how bad it was being that I had been trying all week to keep the distance as much as i could...or let myself. i just couldn't help but be soooooooo excited he was there and enjoyed every last second...wanted this to be real for us even more. thinking how great it be if we could always have this...i sat there wanting to kiss him sooo bad...but obviously couldn't...just to have that time was great but i hated the circumstances and it took away from it for me as it has now for the last several opportunities we have had. I just know i want more and it wasn't enough. he kept telling me how great it was and how much he missed me...after he said how much he loved being with me i asked him to just do it and be with me how this could be our life...his response was something like oy...i thought today how my friends would accept you as i do...and that i have been everywhere all weekend for him...i just replied...right and goodnight...i knew he'd reply in that manner...guess i had to step out that one more time...sigh...i hope i can remain strong because as much as i adored my time with him...he still went home to her...didn't he?
upto_here Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 .i hope i can remain strong because as much as i adored my time with him...he still went home to her...didn't he? i know how you felt the more you spend time with him the more you felt attach and you always want more BUT its impossible isn't it ...you want to go home with him ,cook for him,make the bed for him....but whose job is that? you tell me...YOU are the one who really hurt by all this ...YOU MUST TRY !!!to keep distance from him ....try harder my friend.....for the sake of your heart....!!! how do you feel when you went home ? happy? i bet not ...same old same old your heart sank ...you just can't be with him ...dear....i do feel for your pain....sit back and think hard ......!!!!! i will too.......
Author lost0604 Posted June 11, 2007 Author Posted June 11, 2007 upto here: how did I feel? as soon as I knew it was time for him to leave I wanted to cry...i wanted to kick myself for allowing the night to even happen, being a fool...but again i had started to let myself think that maybe spending a night like this with me would allow him to see how we could be and maybe be that shove he needs...stupid me...the only one needing a shove here is me...today is monday and i will try to do no contact starting today...i really hope i don't fail..wish me luck
upto_here Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 upto here: how did I feel? as soon as I knew it was time for him to leave I wanted to cry...i wanted to kick myself for allowing the night to even happen, being a fool...but again i had started to let myself think that maybe spending a night like this with me would allow him to see how we could be and maybe be that shove he needs...stupid me...the only one needing a shove here is me...today is monday and i will try to do no contact starting today...i really hope i don't fail..wish me luck you can not blame yourself for what your heart want!!! spending more time with him is making yourself weaker ,you digging a hole to yourself eventually deeper and deeper.....BUT you are the only one who can help yourself with this.....when the night nearly end is he look like he always in a hurry? if it is you know why.....remind yourself time to time that he is not yours and never will be....there someone waiting at home for him and you know who .....only you know best.....NC in the work place is quite impossible ..but if you determind to do it ..you are the best...i wish you the best of luck:rolleyes: you can do it ...it will be a relived ....try harder .....AND YOU WILL NOT FAIL.....
Author lost0604 Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 upto here: He doesn't rush away from me for the most part but guess that matters little...rushing or not he still ends up the same place...thankfully i only work 2 days a week and occassionally am coming in more right now cause we are short handed...but nevertheless 2 days of work related things i will push for and the rest of the days...NC...posting and update...last night was a turning point...will post it as a new thread...
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