Delarocha Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Greeting all, I know for some the idea of dating right now is completely out of the question. I am sure as some of you read my past posts you know the state of mind I have been in for quite some time. However, recently I really feel like I have really pulled my world into alignment. I know that on some level I will probably always have a place in my heart for my ex, but I came to the realization a while ago that I do not love her anymore. I went through a period of being very bitter looking back at all the ways I feel I have been mistreated, and that too has finally passed. I guess I realized that for me to move forward with my life I had to let go of the anger as well as the guilt. Anyway, my therapy has really helped me to begin this journey of figuring out who I really am and what I want out of life. I can't possibly begin to describe the relief/HAPPINESS I have been feeling on a daily basis. It has admittedly not been that long since i discovered true happiness again and a few out of town trips certainly helped. In short I feel alive and well and better than I've felt in years. Now comes the point of my post. I don't want this post to be misconstrued as me saying I am going to go out and jump right into a relationship. Nobody wants to avoid being duped (talking about duping myself mostly) into a rebound relationship MORE than me. I guess I have just been out with friends and have been very outgoing and friendly, especially with women I find attractive. However, I feel like I have some sort of set timeline in place for when it's "ok" for me to go out and date. Again, I'm not talking about hot and heavy love here, I'm just talking about meeting new people, hanging out with them, having fun, seeing what happens, etc. I've had conversations with the stbxw and both of us agree we want each other to be happy and not pass up opportunities with other people. I know at this moment I would not want her back in my life (in a relationship context) at all. I know I'm probably rambling, but I feel ready but am afraid to some extent of what others will think. I don't know... I guess I am just looking for opinions. Should I swear off dating for another year, two years, what? Is there a magic number, or should I just go with my own feelings of what I am ok with? I certainly plan on being honest with anyone if they want to know about my past, but obviously the first words out of my mouth are not going to be a summary of my failed marriage. (Not exactly ice breaking material).. Ok, well please don't flame me. I know what I've said here, I know how I felt in the past, and I know how I feel now. I just don't want to be unfair to anyone, including myself. Thanks for reading.
michael's_pain Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I've met some friends sine my separation -- they know the deal (what's going on with me) and we're taking things s-l-o.......w. I feel the need to be around people -- I'm a people person -- but I'm also working on me at the same time. I asked this question at the end of my thread and got a solid answer...it's here. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=119363&page=4 As long as you are aware of where you are emotionally, physically and spiritually, you'll be fine. Trust your gut.
Author Delarocha Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 Michael, Thanks, I am reading through some of these posts now. Perhaps me starting this thread was unnecessary. Sorry about that everyone.
michael's_pain Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 You do seem very tentative and apologetic for way too any things. Don't apologize for starting a new thread -- if people want to post, they will. No big deal. Know yourself before you try to know someone else, and be confident of who you are -- LOVE who you are -- or else you'll seek definition and approval from someone else, and that will be a disaster...
Author Delarocha Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 yeah, I guess I'm just used to the many other board communities where starting an unnecessary thread is grounds for public berating. I forgot that most people here are actually people and not crazed children with something to prove.
hurting_in_nw Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I was hurt by my XW, and felt that it would be a long time until I could open my heart to somebody else. But you know, somebody has come along that I just can't deny the connection with, so I'm going to go for it. I think it just depends on the people involved...my XW's father met his current wife within a month or two after my XW's mother cheated on him and left him...they've been together for 25 years or so now. I guess they both knew what they wanted and found it in each other, and it worked. I think the bottom line here is that if you're not ready, you'll know it inside. I wasn't out looking for anything, but I did meet someone and it's something very special. We are taking it slow, but had I been completely closed off to the idea, I could have passed up something good, and I don't want to take that chance. I would add though that I did go through IC and my counselor felt that I had really taken the bull by the horns with this, and even though it hasn't been that long, I have achieved that indifference toward my XW now, and I can look myself in the mirror and say that while there is some lingering hurt, I have come out the other side, and what she did to me I'm not going to let ruin the next good thing that comes along.
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I don't know... I guess I am just looking for opinions. Should I swear off dating for another year, two years, what? Is there a magic number, or should I just go with my own feelings of what I am ok with? I don’t think there’s a “magic number” when it comes to timelines. It depends on the individual and how long it takes them to readjust to their life, get to know themselves (and learn to be happy) outside the confines of a relationship again, before they are fully prepared to open themselves up intimately to another person in that capacity. I think it’s good when people take as much time as they need. I’ve witnessed rebound and safety-net/exit relationships with a lot of close relatives and friends. And I’m always surprised at how notoriously short lived those connections are when folks jump right from one serious relationship into another without so much as catching their breath in between. But getting out there and having fun, meeting people, expanding your social connections, and even casual dating can be very beneficial to getting you out of the ol’ slump so long as you have a realistic perspective and don’t have too many expectations of yourself and others. Once you are happy to be just where you are, even those situations that end in disappointment don’t get you down nearly so much. In fact, you even start to develop a sense of humor about life, and dating nightmare stories become comedic relief. And then ... when you least expect it, when the last thing you want to do is change your life cause you’re so darn happy ... THAT’S when it will happen! And that special new someone will waltz into your life out of nowhere and send all your best laid plans into a tail spin. I think Life has an twisted sense of humor too, and likes to screw with us when it gets bored. Meanwhile, I found it better myself just to be honest and upfront with the people who I met and dated a year after my legal separation. (In my state, you have to wait two years before divorce is finalized). The fact that I wasn’t legally divorced yet was never an issue with anyone I befriended or casually dated. And that was even after I honestly disclosed that “marriage” wasn’t something that I was eager to ever try again. Maybe that was part of the attraction for the like-minded people I met. No pressure meant being able to just have fun and relax. -- Or maybe a small part of them just didn’t believe me, chalked it up as the phobic ramblings of a marital escapee who was only recently paroled. (???) But I think we can all certainly understand why people would hesitate to date someone who was only separated and not divorced. And if I had met anyone like that, I would have understand and not taken any offense to that. And I hope you don’t either. As a matter of fact , I know I would probably have some reservations myself if the situation were reversed, UNLESS I knew for certain (like my ex and myself) that there was no talk or “hope” of a possible reconciliation on either end. That both legally separated parties were just doing their time as mandated by court and were already moving on with their lives totally independent of each other. Take each day one at a time as it comes. Take each person one at a time as you meet them. And just be yourself. Remain open to new friendships, and allow them to develop however they will without too much pushing or resisting. Eventually, once you become more relaxed and settled with where you are, everything has a way of falling right into place.
sunshinegirl Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Maybe just be really honest and "connected" with yourself about how you are feeling as you get back into dating? I don't know where you are in the separation/divorce process...but you never know, you might be emotionally walloped one day by something that happens during the legal process...or the day the divorce is finalized...or something. It could unexpectedly throw you into a tailspin and create, shall we say, collateral damage. Speaking as someone who dated a separated man and really started to fall for him only to have him abruptly break things off because he hadn't finished processing the end of his marriage...please do proceed carefully and be mindful of the other people who could get hurt if you haven't fully dealt with your ****. But good luck. Congratulations in feeling ready to dip your toe in the dating pool.
Gunny376 Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Oh! Hell Yea! You just knew I'd be all over this one! Date? Hell Yea! Just don't go handing your heart out to anyone! Dude! This is your time! This is your time to get your life together! This is your time to get you head together! This is your time to get your act together! This is your time to get a year's worth of income in the bank so that if you get fired, laid off, dismissed, whatever ~ you can head to Cancun Mexico and drink Maggrittas! This is the time to get a year's worth of income in the bank and tell your boss to go pound sand in his azz! This is your time to get out of debt!
quiet1one1 Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Keep your feet firmly planted on the ground, your head out of the clouds, and go for it.
Author Delarocha Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 As always some very sound (and appreciated) advice. I do plan on taking things SLOOOOW. Right now I am honestly happy with my independence and am really starting to dig doing what I want, when I want, and how I want. Life's funny sometimes... just when you can't imagine being happy things start falling into place.
ku2008 Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 I know how the original poster feels. Been seperated for 2 months--but marriage had disappeared the past year. Wife and I are still friends-but it will end in divorce--I believe she has found someone else--and I dont' want to go back to the way we were. Right now we are 1000 miles apart (I moved back in with my parents, thank God--no kids). I have met a few women--just friendly meetings and it is fun to meet new people. Don't know were any of these will go, if they go anywhere at all-but I just decided that I could either fall off the deep end--or pull myself up and be positive. Every day is a struggle--but I'm making it--now as long as I don't scare off these new "friends" when they find out my situation. One knows--the other does not. I'm not a player--just trying to meet a new circle of friends. Just having fun meeting people!
Bruce34 Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 How long should I wait to date again my wife left in mid may and says she is seeking devorse. She also keeps changing the filing date. Should I, NOT wait, should I wait till I get the papers, Should I wait till it is all signed., How long should a person set lonely and wait for the process?
Krytellan Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 I personally don't understand the concept so I think you're thinking way too much. I was dating 2 months into my separation and was never concerned about damaging myself or anyone else. It was great and fun to be appreciated again. Just do it. Don't freak about it so much. By worrying, you are making it to be much more than it really is.
kitesurfer Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 i am no expert at all. my 1st marrige lsted 7.5 years. young and i the navy didn't work for either of us is the best excuse. 2nd marriage lasted just shy of 13 years. the last marrriage lasted just short of 8 years. she left literally i the middle of the night! i was at a motorcycle rally with friends. i missed her and cut it short to come home 3 days early. most of the house was packed at midnight, may 12 , 2006. she finished moving the next day. there was no discussion or reason that i knew of. we never fought or argued. she was obese and had low self esteme, selfish, controlling, lazy, and a holy'er than thou, self ritchous, born again Bible thumper. ok, that was the background. so i mourned my loss from may 12 until aug 10th. i went no where and talked to very few. I walked, ran kite suurfed and rode my motorcycle--read STAYED PHYSICALLy ACTIVE. i tried counseling with her and tried to 'win her back'. she played me-- for attention. one day, God released me from that burden. He literally gave me a message. I adjusted my atitude, registered on Match.com and met a wonderful lady on aug31. my divorce was final on dec 7th and the girl and i have been great together since day 1. we truly enjoy each others company and have not been seperated greater than 24 hours yet. But, we have our 1st marrige counseling today. I've been married 3 times and she has never been married. she is 46 and i'm 54. we want to make it work long before tyeing the knot. two old dogs needing to learn new tricks
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