missmebaby Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 basically my boyfriend is not a very nice person. we have been together for 6 months, i am 21 and he is 25. for the first 3 months he was such an amazing guy. when we first started dating he was actually pretty obsessive, he called me many times a day, wanted to see me everyday, was ALWAYS giving me compliments and telling me how much he liked me. he couldnt keep his hands off me. after only like 3-4 weeks he was saying i love you and that he wanted to marry me someday, spend the rest of his life with me, etc. it was a little creepy but i figured things would cool down once he started to get used to me. he seemed like such a nice romantic guy i had never met anyone like him and i started to fall hard. welll now i can hardly remember that guy at all. hes totally different. he is always making comments about how hot other girls are, he gets very angry when im not in the mood to have sex, on one occasion he was kissing me and rubbing his hands all over me but when i said i just wanted to go to sleep he actually shoved me to the other side of the bed and called me a b*tch. on other occasions when i have said no he ignores me and kind of forces me to do it. then 2 weeks ago he tried to have unprotected sex with me but i made him put a condom on. 5 mins later hes pulling out and ejaculating all over my stomach with no condom on. he had pulled it off right after he put it on but did it so i couldnt see. i got so mad that i did not talk to him the rest of the night even when he tried to talk to me. he never apologized and the next day acted like nothing happened. when i mentioned it again he just changed the subject. we have plenty of sex, its not like im depriving him of it. we probly have sex at least 7 times a week. also in the past month he has had the shortest temper of anyone ive ever met. we were laying in bed one night and i had an itch so i was scratching in for like 30 seconds. all of a sudden he goes "will you just f*cking lay still???" like practically yelled it at me. im almost afraid to talk around him because some things i say just totally set him off. one day we were driving and were teasing each other about something and he was laughing and everything was fine then suddenly he yelled at me to shut up because i was getting on his nerves. just out of nowhere goes from laughing to instantly irritated and mad at me. he knows im very claustophobic and hate to be held down or have anything over my face. on a few occasions he has held me down and put a pillow over my face as i thrashed around and begged him to take it off and was freaking out. he wouldnt stop until i was actually sobbing. then he never apologized and acts like nothing happened. also we will wrestle around on his bed sometimes and he will always put me in these moves where he will twist my arm or hand while i beg him to stop and im saying how bad it hurts and he just doesnt stop until i am practically crying. everytime we get in an argument it is honestly almost always because he goes off on me for nothing. for example, one day i was driving and we were going to a restaraunt where we had reservations. everything was fine, he wanted to put his can of pop in my cup holder but i had an old cup of coffee in it. he rolls down the window and goes to throw the cup of coffee out the window but the top comes off and splatters all over him, me, and all over the inside of my car. i say "aw that sucks, its ok though ill turn around and you can change your clothes." then i put my hand on his leg and just smile at him and say "its no big deal babe." then he explodes on me saying "we're gonna be late, you're in a horrible mood today, you're damn coffee is all over me!! just take me home and go home!" so i take him back to his house and go home. after i drove a half hour to get there and then volunteered to drive to the restaraunt. he never apologized and acted like it was all my fault. every argument we have ever had he has never once apologized and everytime he has made turned it around to be my fault. last week we were laying in bed and i get up to put my pajamas on and i pick up my hair brush and playfully slap him on the arm with it. well he slaps me back his hand. so i reach to slap him again and accidentally hit his knuckles. well he grabs the brush from me and throws it at me as hard as he can. luckily it missed but it hit the wall and richocheted off into his closest. i could not believe that he did that so i packed up my things and stormed out. later he called me and was so mad at me because i hurt his hand and he was mad because i barged out. i told him there was no way i was going to let some man throw things at me like that. well he went on and on about how he didnt throw it at me, he threw it at the wall. he said it was my fault because i started it. along with all those other things he also says things to kill my self esteem. he is always making comments about my skin complexion or saying that im going to get fat. he is always making fun of my friends and he says he doesnt like them. in front of his friends he makes fun of me saying im a hillbilly and one time when we were fighting he was talking to his friends like i wasnt even standing there beside him. he said something about how he was going to have a new girlfriend next week, and he said something about how one of them was going to have to give him a ride home later because he was going to ditch me. there are so many other ways he has hurt me that i cant even think of right now. even when he makes me cry he usually just tells me to stop and shows no emotion. his past shows that he has problems also. he was in jail for 6 months because he broke probation a few times, the final time was when his truck was getting towed and he was furious about it so he climbed in his truck when it was hooked up to the tow truck and slammed it in reverse and ripped off the back of the tow truck. while in jail he was in solitary confinement for 3 months because he kept starting fights. he is always getting into street fights or fights in the bars. he has admitted to being in around 150 fights in his life. whenever i take him around my guy friends he is always saying that they are staring at him and giving him dirty looks and he wants to kick their as*. whenever i ride with him he drives crazily and gets mad at people very easily and rides their bumper, or flicks them off, or honks at them. he is always making fun of complete strangers, to the point where they can actually hear him, saying that they are fat or ugly or stupid or annoying. he thinks he is better than everyone. he was actually admitted to a psychiatric ward for 3 days because the doctors thought he was depressed and that is why he was getting into so much trouble. after being released from there he continued to see a psychiatrist but after 2 visits he never went back because he went off on the doctor saying the doctor was the crazy one, not him. i just cant believe this is the same guy i met 6 months ago. to look at him you would think hes a really good kid. hes very clean cut, dresses nicely, drives a very nice truck, is polite. my parents love him because they dont know what hes like when him and i are alone. he owns his own construction and landscaping company and has a lot of money. he had a 5 year relationship and a 2 year relationship. i guess the breakup of the 2 year relationship was very very hard on him and he went into a depression and started drinking alot. last week he was talking to his friend about the girl he was in a 2 year relationship with and he laughed and said "yea i really messed that girl's head up." i was appalled that he would laugh about that so i asked him what he meant. he said "yea i really messed her up. her head is all messed up now. she used to be a really good trustworthy girl but now shes totally different and is promiscuous and unfaithful to her boyfriend and parties all the time." i know i need to leave this guy, he is such bad news. i think he has psychological problems, and hes emotionally abuse and a little physically abusive. when we first started dating i thought i had never dated anyone so amazing, but now im thinking that i have never dated anyone so horrible. i need to get out of his relationship but i feel trapped. i hate change, i hate being single, and i just went through a bad relationship right before i met this guy. im so scared to do it again. i guess i just needed to get all this off my chest and get some opinions on this guy. i am definitely going to break up with him, i would just like to hear what some of you have to say about this guy, why hes like this, and maybe some advice on how i can break up with him and make him realize how much of an as* he is.
Lizzie60 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 basically my boyfriend is not a very nice person. we have been together for 6 months, i am 21 and he is 25. for the first 3 months he was such an amazing guy. when we first started dating he was actually pretty obsessive, he called me many times a day, wanted to see me everyday, was ALWAYS giving me compliments and telling me how much he liked me. he couldnt keep his hands off me. after only like 3-4 weeks he was saying i love you and that he wanted to marry me someday, spend the rest of his life with me, etc. it was a little creepy but i figured things would cool down once he started to get used to me. he seemed like such a nice romantic guy i had never met anyone like him and i started to fall hard. welll now i can hardly remember that guy at all. hes totally different. he is always making comments about how hot other girls are, he gets very angry when im not in the mood to have sex, on one occasion he was kissing me and rubbing his hands all over me but when i said i just wanted to go to sleep he actually shoved me to the other side of the bed and called me a b*tch. on other occasions when i have said no he ignores me and kind of forces me to do it. then 2 weeks ago he tried to have unprotected sex with me but i made him put a condom on. 5 mins later hes pulling out and ejaculating all over my stomach with no condom on. he had pulled it off right after he put it on but did it so i couldnt see. i got so mad that i did not talk to him the rest of the night even when he tried to talk to me. he never apologized and the next day acted like nothing happened. when i mentioned it again he just changed the subject. we have plenty of sex, its not like im depriving him of it. we probly have sex at least 7 times a week. also in the past month he has had the shortest temper of anyone ive ever met. we were laying in bed one night and i had an itch so i was scratching in for like 30 seconds. all of a sudden he goes "will you just f*cking lay still???" like practically yelled it at me. im almost afraid to talk around him because some things i say just totally set him off. one day we were driving and were teasing each other about something and he was laughing and everything was fine then suddenly he yelled at me to shut up because i was getting on his nerves. just out of nowhere goes from laughing to instantly irritated and mad at me. he knows im very claustophobic and hate to be held down or have anything over my face. on a few occasions he has held me down and put a pillow over my face as i thrashed around and begged him to take it off and was freaking out. he wouldnt stop until i was actually sobbing. then he never apologized and acts like nothing happened. also we will wrestle around on his bed sometimes and he will always put me in these moves where he will twist my arm or hand while i beg him to stop and im saying how bad it hurts and he just doesnt stop until i am practically crying. everytime we get in an argument it is honestly almost always because he goes off on me for nothing. for example, one day i was driving and we were going to a restaraunt where we had reservations. everything was fine, he wanted to put his can of pop in my cup holder but i had an old cup of coffee in it. he rolls down the window and goes to throw the cup of coffee out the window but the top comes off and splatters all over him, me, and all over the inside of my car. i say "aw that sucks, its ok though ill turn around and you can change your clothes." then i put my hand on his leg and just smile at him and say "its no big deal babe." then he explodes on me saying "we're gonna be late, you're in a horrible mood today, you're damn coffee is all over me!! just take me home and go home!" so i take him back to his house and go home. after i drove a half hour to get there and then volunteered to drive to the restaraunt. he never apologized and acted like it was all my fault. every argument we have ever had he has never once apologized and everytime he has made turned it around to be my fault. last week we were laying in bed and i get up to put my pajamas on and i pick up my hair brush and playfully slap him on the arm with it. well he slaps me back his hand. so i reach to slap him again and accidentally hit his knuckles. well he grabs the brush from me and throws it at me as hard as he can. luckily it missed but it hit the wall and richocheted off into his closest. i could not believe that he did that so i packed up my things and stormed out. later he called me and was so mad at me because i hurt his hand and he was mad because i barged out. i told him there was no way i was going to let some man throw things at me like that. well he went on and on about how he didnt throw it at me, he threw it at the wall. he said it was my fault because i started it. along with all those other things he also says things to kill my self esteem. he is always making comments about my skin complexion or saying that im going to get fat. he is always making fun of my friends and he says he doesnt like them. in front of his friends he makes fun of me saying im a hillbilly and one time when we were fighting he was talking to his friends like i wasnt even standing there beside him. he said something about how he was going to have a new girlfriend next week, and he said something about how one of them was going to have to give him a ride home later because he was going to ditch me. there are so many other ways he has hurt me that i cant even think of right now. even when he makes me cry he usually just tells me to stop and shows no emotion. his past shows that he has problems also. he was in jail for 6 months because he broke probation a few times, the final time was when his truck was getting towed and he was furious about it so he climbed in his truck when it was hooked up to the tow truck and slammed it in reverse and ripped off the back of the tow truck. while in jail he was in solitary confinement for 3 months because he kept starting fights. he is always getting into street fights or fights in the bars. he has admitted to being in around 150 fights in his life. whenever i take him around my guy friends he is always saying that they are staring at him and giving him dirty looks and he wants to kick their as*. whenever i ride with him he drives crazily and gets mad at people very easily and rides their bumper, or flicks them off, or honks at them. he is always making fun of complete strangers, to the point where they can actually hear him, saying that they are fat or ugly or stupid or annoying. he thinks he is better than everyone. he was actually admitted to a psychiatric ward for 3 days because the doctors thought he was depressed and that is why he was getting into so much trouble. after being released from there he continued to see a psychiatrist but after 2 visits he never went back because he went off on the doctor saying the doctor was the crazy one, not him. i just cant believe this is the same guy i met 6 months ago. to look at him you would think hes a really good kid. hes very clean cut, dresses nicely, drives a very nice truck, is polite. my parents love him because they dont know what hes like when him and i are alone. he owns his own construction and landscaping company and has a lot of money. he had a 5 year relationship and a 2 year relationship. i guess the breakup of the 2 year relationship was very very hard on him and he went into a depression and started drinking alot. last week he was talking to his friend about the girl he was in a 2 year relationship with and he laughed and said "yea i really messed that girl's head up." i was appalled that he would laugh about that so i asked him what he meant. he said "yea i really messed her up. her head is all messed up now. she used to be a really good trustworthy girl but now shes totally different and is promiscuous and unfaithful to her boyfriend and parties all the time." i know i need to leave this guy, he is such bad news. i think he has psychological problems, and hes emotionally abuse and a little physically abusive. when we first started dating i thought i had never dated anyone so amazing, but now im thinking that i have never dated anyone so horrible. i need to get out of his relationship but i feel trapped. i hate change, i hate being single, and i just went through a bad relationship right before i met this guy. im so scared to do it again. i guess i just needed to get all this off my chest and get some opinions on this guy. i am definitely going to break up with him, i would just like to hear what some of you have to say about this guy, why hes like this, and maybe some advice on how i can break up with him and make him realize how much of an as* he is. Just break up... no need to rub anything in his face... you never know what he can do if you're trying to 'make him realize how much of an ass* he is'... Move on... don't look back. If he stalks you, call the police... don't take any crap from this immature loser.
halfarock Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Just leave him, don’t say anything just take your stuff and go. If you refuse any and all contact with him, it will mess with his head far more than any thing you can say to him.
Kamille Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 i hate change, i hate being single, and i just went through a bad relationship right before i met this guy. You're 21. You are way too young to hate being single. Or rather, you don't seem to realize how fulfilling being on your own can be. And how much it helps prepare you for better, truly meaningful relationships. Leave this guy and spend some time on your own. Have fun with other single friends. Enjoy being single. And there is no need to let hom know what an a** he is. The guy knows he is one, in fact, he gets off on disrespecting people. There is also no need in you trying to figure out why he is an a**. You are going to get this guy out of your life and move on and meet someone balanced. Your priority is protecting yourself.
quankanne Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 there are so many red flags that pop up in your description of your relationship with this psychopath that I'm worried that he's going to leave you for dead some day. Believe me, being single should be the least of your worries if you're in a relationship with someone like this. do you have a safe place to go to? Is there a women's crisis center in your city? Leave him as quickly as possible without letting him know your intentions, because he sounds like the kind of person who won't have any second thoughts about beating the crap out of you for wanting to leave – this is a very sick relationship to have to suffer through, for either of you. until he's interested in taking responsibility for his behavior, nothing you say is going to make him see the light. People like that don't feel they have a problem, it's everyone else around him. there is no "good" way to end a relationship like this, so just run. For your life, to the nearest safe haven, and don't hesitate contact the cops if he starts stalking or threatening you. not to scare you, but last week I interviewed a local woman who works with non-citizens in abusive situations under the VAWA act. She told me that on average, an abused woman will make seven attempts to leave before she finally gets out of the relationship. And sometimes it's courtesy of a body bag.
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 You owe him NOTHING. Just break up with him and make sure you have friends and family supporting you, incase he tries anything..... i just cant believe this is the same guy i met 6 months ago. The thing is, he never was what you thought he was....That was the hook to get you interested in him. He is exactly what he is now. An abuser, a user, an a-hole...You need to just end it and GET away from him as soon as possible. And please, just know that you are a strong woman, even if he has made you feel bad about yourself, you can work through this and become confident again. You did NOTHING wrong, it's all him and his f*ked up ways of life.
jcster Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Your boyfriend shows all of the classic signs of an abuser. I've attached the list, and you'll quickly see that there are easy to spot signs to look for. Trust me on this: You need to get away from him NOW! Do NOT give him an explanation or any warning that you are breaking it off from him. If you give him warning he will very likely hurt you. Do not contact him after you break up. If you can, go somewhere that he can't find you. My dad abused my mom for years, it's nothing to mess with and it escalates quickly. Trust your instincts - you are not blowing this out of proportion, it's real. Sets Unrealistic Expectations: Depends on you for all their needs, expecting you to take care of everything, emotionally and physically. "If you love me, I'm all you need and you are all that I need". Isolates: Controlling you by driving away your friends or family, accusing them of "causing trouble" and "getting in our business". Moving into the country without a phone, keeping you from going to work or school. Blames Others for Their Problems: Not taking responsibility for their choices and behaviors-blaming you instead. "If you had cleaned the house like I said, you wouldn't have gotten hit". Blames Others for Their Feelings: Again, trying to avoid responsibility for their feelings or actions. "You make me jealous when you talk to other men-I just can't help it". Is Hypersensitive: Taking the slightest setbacks or challenges in life as personal attacks or overreacting to small things Uses "Playful" Force During Sex: Shows little concern about what your sexual needs/boundaries are and may use sulking or anger to manipulate you into doing things you don't really want to. May demand sex when you are ill or tired. Defines Rigid Sex Roles: May believe that women are inferior to men, expect you to serve, stay at home and always obey him. Shows Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde Behavior: Has sudden mood changes, sudden explosions of anger when nothing was wrong Be safe!
sb129 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 My ex ticked nearly all the traits listed by jcster. It doesn't get better. Missmebaby- 21 is the BEST time to be single. please get out now while your self esteem is still intact. Trust me, you do NOT want a LTR with this guy. He is bad news, and bad for you. There will be others, get out and have fun!
Author missmebaby Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 i guess i should have noticed the red flags in the beginning of our relationship too. in the beginning he was a little strange, like so obsessive or something. he called me constantly throughout every day, anywhere from 6-8 times a day. he text messaged me all the time in between calling me. anytime i was on the phone with him or laying in bed with him he was always giving me compliments, telling me how much he liked me, how he hoped i wasnt going to hurt him, and even as early as being together for one month he was saying that he wanted to marry me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. he was always saying "i love your kisses" and he would kiss me so much it got really annoying. we would be on the phone for an hour and when i tried to get off he wouldnt let me. he would make me feel bad saying i must not want to talk to him. i always thought it was a little creepy how obsessed he seemed to be with me. i remember thinking "this guy is crazy." i cant even tell you how many times i ignored his phone calls because i didnt want to talk to him for the hundredth time that day. i had never had anyone act like that around me. sure, i have had boyfriends that have fallen in love with me but none of them have acted so totally wrapped up in me. he wanted to see me everyday and if i couldnt for some reason he would get kind of mad. a few times he would be at my house and i wanted to go to bed so i asked him to leave and he would sit on the edge of the bed and just stare down at me with this sad expression on his face for like 20 minutes before he would get up and leave. then the weirdest time of all was when i went on vacation for a week with my best friend and he called me obsessively, my friend even commented on it. she couldnt believe that he kept calling. by the end of the trip she was sick of him calling and everytime he called she told me to ignore him. the night i got home from vacation, it was like 1:00 in the morning and i was exhausted. i just wanted to go to bed. but he begged and begged me to let him come over for just 5 minutes. he lives 30 minutes away from me and he said he wanted to come over for just like 5-10 minutes just to "touch me" as he put it. it was really creepy and i thought he sounded really weird like even his voice was different. he had this really sad begging voice and it sounded like he was about to cry or something. he was saying "please...please...let me just come over for 5 minutes. i just want to kiss you and touch you. please....i just want to hold you. baby please, i need to see you, i need to hold you...please." this went on for about 15-20 mins. but i wouldnt give in and i said no im going to bed, ill see you tomorrow and i hung up. 5 minutes later he calls me asking why i didnt want to see him, asking me if somethings wrong, etc etc. this was all like 2-3 months ago. now hes become emotionally and physically abusive. does anyone have any idea why hes like this? does he have some kind of mental problem or are some guys just like this? i am definitely breaking up with him...i just need to figure out how and when to do it. i still owe him some money that he lent me and i have some things at his house that i need back.
sb129 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Oh just reading your posts gives me the creeps. Now that I am far far away from my ex, the thought of him playing his manipulative, whining, needy little games makes my skin crawl. And the thought of him touching me makes me want to puke. Trust me- you never know what is around the corner. You seem to have a bit of self respect, normal men find that very attractive, you will be fine on your own. The silver lining is- if you get out, you have recognised this kind of behaviour early, and will hopefully avoid being with another person who treats you like this in the future. Personally, having been in this kind of R but getting out, gave me my mojo back, and I am now with the most wonderful guy. Who DOESN'T call me 100 times a day, and I am fine with that.
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 this was all like 2-3 months ago. now hes become emotionally and physically abusive. does anyone have any idea why hes like this? does he have some kind of mental problem or are some guys just like this? He has control issues, stuff from his past is affecting him now and he could be unbalanced in the head. Don't try to figure him out... i am definitely breaking up with him...i just need to figure out how and when to do it. i still owe him some money that he lent me and i have some things at his house that i need back. Get your support team together BEFORE you end it with him. And the day you DO end it, have a friend with you, or for them to be waiting in the car. Slowly in the next few days move your stuff OUT of his place. Act like it's all OK....Then, once you're out, give him the $$ and never look back...And again, make sure you're NOT alone when you do this, just incase....Also, gotta say this, don't be afraid to call 911 if you feel threatened by him.
cuteblondegurl Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Having been in a similar situation many years ago. You need to get out of that situation now. No one deserves to be treated that way.
jcster Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 i am definitely breaking up with him...i just need to figure out how and when to do it. i still owe him some money that he lent me and i have some things at his house that i need back. No stuff is worth your life. If your things aren't irreplaceable family heirlooms - leave them there and then come back at another time with a friend to get them. Mail the money to him. If you wait to long to leave, it will be worse. Abusive people give us plenty of signs along the way. He's been building up, seeing how much you will take over time. He's going to flip out when you leave - so DO NOT TELL HIM!
nicki Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Yes, he IS going to flip out when you leave. I've left an abusive man. The most dangerous time for you is when you go. Consider doing the following in order to stay safe: 1. Act like everything is normal. Don't engage in any fights. If you see things escalating, say whatever you have to in order to calm him down BEFORE he gets enraged. (Apologize, take the blame, whatever.) 2. While he is gone, get everything out of his place. Do you live with him? If so, do this while he is at work. If you don't live with him, pick up what you can the next time you are there....or don't even go back if you can help it. 3. Break up with him OVER the phone. Be careful how you do it. I would suggest that you do it like this, even though this isn't the truth: Tell him that you need some time to yourself. Your goal is to say that you are confused, depressed, blah blah blah....It's YOU. See? YOur goal is to keep him from panicking over the thought of you severing the relationship. Tell him that you love him, but need some time. Say "Of course, he must see that this is true, right?" Tell him that you wouldn't be any good to him right now. That you have many things to figure out. Find something to blame here, if you can. (ie, Your parents died a few years ago and you haven't dealt with it. Or you can't decide what to do with your life....) Tell him that you are in therapy dealing with many issues from your past and are probably going to go on antidepressants. This will feed nicely into his screwed up belief that everything is your fault and that you are the one who needs fixing. (Not true, of course, you are fine.) Don't engage in any argument about him and what he does. It doesn't matter. He doesn't care. He will only manipulate you. If he asks if you are leaving for good, only tell him that you don't know about the future, just that for now, you need to be alone. This is to buy you time in the hopes that he will fixate on a new woman during your time alone. Once he is used to being without you, you can cut another string and say that you can't see getting back together. By then he may be on to his next victim. 4. After your phone call, don't ever see him again. This is very important for your safety. Don't run over to his place to get your things. Don't answer the door if he comes to where you are. Notify people at work so they can turn him away or say you are in a meeting. 5. Be a broken record. If he contacts you, you can answer the phone (so he won't flip out and come over.) Basically say the same sentence over and over again and act very dull and depressed. Just say "I need to devote myself fully to therapy and getting better. I need to be on my own right now." Blame your therapist for saying you can't see him right now. Never ever mention another man. Never. ** Good luck. Take whatever from what I've written, and ask your local women's shelter for advice. This is just what I did, and it worked. It took six months, but he finally gave up and I stayed safe in the meantime. I'm very happy now. I know how you feel right now. Just know that things will be much happier for you, too.
jcster Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I agree with everything Nikki says. Also, even if he leaves a ton of lame messages on your phone - do NOT change the number. If he knows he can reach you by phone, he is less likely to come to your home or workplace. And, like Nikki says...DON'T EVER SEE HIM AGAIN - it will be very dangerous for you to do that.
Author missmebaby Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 well i dont really expect some horrible reaction out of him when i dump him. for the past 3 weeks he has actually been talking about us breaking up. he says we dont get along and lately now hes been saying that he doesnt want to have to answer to anyone and likes the freedom of not having to tell anyone where hes going or what hes doing. he only says these things when hes mad at me or whenever hes in a bad mood. then as soon as he gets in a better mood his story changes and he says how much he loves being with me and how much he loves holding me and then things are great for a couple days until hes in a bad mood again.
jcster Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Please listen to what we are saying. He is displaying all the signs of a classic abuser. There's a very good chance that he will become violent when he discovers you are serious about leaving him. Please don't take any chances.
Lizzie60 Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 well i dont really expect some horrible reaction out of him when i dump him. for the past 3 weeks he has actually been talking about us breaking up. he says we dont get along and lately now hes been saying that he doesnt want to have to answer to anyone and likes the freedom of not having to tell anyone where hes going or what hes doing. he only says these things when hes mad at me or whenever hes in a bad mood. then as soon as he gets in a better mood his story changes and he says how much he loves being with me and how much he loves holding me and then things are great for a couple days until hes in a bad mood again. Don't count on that... his mood can change pretty fast... Just tell him it's over...don't over 'explain' or over 'analyse' your relationship... But please don't be a doormat, don't change your mind... and give him one more chance...he won't change by himself...
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 well i dont really expect some horrible reaction out of him when i dump him Even if he feels like he wants to break up with you, that doesn't mean he still won't flip out. Remember, he has a temper, he has control issues and can snap at any time. Lizzie is right, don't explain it, analyze it or anything. Make it short, sweet and to the point. And, most of all (I mentioned this before) have a friend with you, whether you do this over the phone or in person. You need to stay safe!
crazy_grl Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 He's not "a little" physically abusive. He's a lot. I have no doubt that he did screw up his previous girlfriends. Abusive *ssholes will do that to a person. It's really sick that he laughs about it. I think nicki's plan for breaking it off is the safest for you. What stuff do you have at his house? Is it important? If he ever makes any kind of threat, seek a restraining order immediately. If he comes to your place, to your work, or to your parent's place, call the police. And tell your parents about the things he's been doing. They need to know so they can support you and watch your back if he causes any trouble. As for why he does this stuff, there's plenty of info on the internet about why people are abusive. Just google it. But don't spend too much effort trying to figure out why he is like he is. Spend the effort getting away from him and keeping yourself safe. Do not take this lightly.
crazy_grl Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 well i dont really expect some horrible reaction out of him when i dump him. for the past 3 weeks he has actually been talking about us breaking up. he says we dont get along and lately now hes been saying that he doesnt want to have to answer to anyone and likes the freedom of not having to tell anyone where hes going or what hes doing. he only says these things when hes mad at me or whenever hes in a bad mood. I'll bet anything he's saying those things just to manipulate you. He wants you to be afraid of loosing him. You need to do some research about abusive relationships, because you don't see how serious this is.
dropdeadlegs Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 missmebaby, Have you ever seen any Lifetime Television movies? About a third of them have the theme you have described. Man meets woman and is oh so charming, but is also very needy for constant communication. At first it might even appear "romantic" or "sweet" to be be so "loved." When he turns into the controlling, abusive jerk, it is often quick. I am concerned for your safety when you actually break up, too. Do not do it in person or while alone. Even though he has been speaking of breaking up, he's really doing that to break down your self esteem and make you feel unworthy and "lucky" to be with him. He may not even get angry immediately, so please be very careful for the next few weeks because his anger may build as his own self esteem plunders. Everything is your fault in his eyes, and if he is left feeling sad, lonely, or unworthy, that will probably "be all your fault", too. I'm so glad you know you must break up with him and must do it now. If your possessions are trivial or replaceable in any way, I would leave them there. Removing them may make him suspicious of your intent to break up. As for the money you owe him, could your parents maybe help you out with that temporarily and you could pay them back? Honestly, if you were my daughter, friend, or sister, I would borrow money myself to disengage you in every way from this guy. Listen to those who have been there. Threats of any kind MUST be reported to the authorities. Restraining Orders aren't a miracle solution, but repeated arrests, nights in jail, and fines might wake him up to smell the coffee that you are serious and not to be pushed. He knows where you live and work, so please be extra careful when exiting your vehicle and entering your home. I hope he will not freak out, but I fear that he will. Good luck and be safe.
BonneKarma Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 All the other advice here as been spot on, so I won't bother repeating it. I will recommend, however, that you go back and read this thread again... VERY SLOWLY... from start to finish. I want to point out to you something else that you said, about how your parents even love him because he acts nice around them. This is part of his psychotic behaviour, honestly. He would never want anyone else to think he's a bad guy, to him it must appear to be you that bring all his nasty behaviours on. My ex-husband had everyone fooled, they just thought he was quiet and polite. When we had company (which was very rare because he liked us to be alone most of the time or else with HIS friends) he would act all helpful and offer to change diapers and get us drinks, etc. It's like he was a different person. It's part of the game. And people like him think they're so smart. He thinks he has you fooled, so let him believe that. You won't gain anything by trying to figure him out or trying to make him see he's been wrong. It won't work, you'll just be playing his game. Please just follow all the other advice and don't underestimate him. You have nothing to lose by taking extra precaution, and everything to gain - your life!
nicki Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Better safe than sorry. That's my motto. You can't trust him with your safety. I have no doubt I would not be here to write this if I had handled my breakup any other way. He would have panicked at the loss of control and would have hurt me or killed me. No doubt in my mind about that. Control is the name of the game here. Let him think he is in control, even though he's not. One more thing to consider. If you "run" into him while walking to your call, turn and walk the other way. Make up some lame excuse that you left something inside and that you will meet up with him at a restaurant, wherever, as soon as you are done. Lie to get away alone. Then call him later with an excuse as to why you can't meet him. It's important that you never let him engage you in a conversation, anywhere. So be aware of your surroundings at all times. If you see him from afar, it's much easier to change direction and play innocent later and say you never saw him. If he gets you at your car, jump in, lock the door and drive off, all the while saying you are on your way to an emergency. Again, lie your ass off. And if you need to, get a restraining order or notify the police if he starts showing up everywhere. But, blame that one on the police, too, or your therapist. Stay innocent, but screwed up, in his mind. It will make things easier for you. And, never believe ANYTHING good that he says. BonneKarma is so right about an abuser knowing exactly how to act and speak around others. There will be a lot of people who will think you are NOT in danger because he "seems" okay, even nice....bullcrap. He's a manipulator. He does this so you won't trust your own instincts. Just stay safe. Please, don't let your guard down. And don't start feeling sorry for him. Believe me, he will try that one, too.
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