lrae Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I need some insight/advice from fellow BS's. Everyone talks about partner going thru some depression/withdrawal after NC has been initiated with OW/OM. What do you make of a husband that doesn't appear to have suffered thru any of this? Was he just suffering in silence and doing his best to hide it? Perhaps he didn't care enough about her to feel that way? (That's his response when asked; I am told "Honey, our friendship wasn't that way.") Much as my pride may want to, I don't believe it! The OW was a hard fought secret (on his part) with LOTS of phoning and texting and escapism (for >1 year). Or perhaps the contact hasn't really ended? But I believe it has, particularly on his part. Every now and then she will see his vehicle and go into places where he is. But he tells me about this now without any prompting, and tells me that he finishes up and immediately leaves. I know that I am fixating a bit on this. But it's difficult when you are so used to picking up on mixed signals. Any thoughts? Or would I be best served to let this go?
Lizzie60 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I need some insight/advice from fellow BS's. Everyone talks about partner going thru some depression/withdrawal after NC has been initiated with OW/OM. What do you make of a husband that doesn't appear to have suffered thru any of this? Was he just suffering in silence and doing his best to hide it? Perhaps he didn't care enough about her to feel that way? (That's his response when asked; I am told "Honey, our friendship wasn't that way.") Much as my pride may want to, I don't believe it! The OW was a hard fought secret (on his part) with LOTS of phoning and texting and escapism (for >1 year). Or perhaps the contact hasn't really ended? But I believe it has, particularly on his part. Every now and then she will see his vehicle and go into places where he is. But he tells me about this now without any prompting, and tells me that he finishes up and immediately leaves. I know that I am fixating a bit on this. But it's difficult when you are so used to picking up on mixed signals. Any thoughts? Or would I be best served to let this go? If I were you, I would let it go... yes, maybe: he's suffering in silence; it's not over yet and he wants you to stop being on his case; he found someone else; or it could also be that he's not interested anymore.. most MM don't fall in love with their mistress... they love her but are not 'in love' with her. When a man gets into an A, it's not for life... so it's normal that after a year or two...it's over... until the next A.
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 You can't control what he thinks and feels, so maybe for your sake, it's best that you don't know what is thinking or not thinking about the OW. I mean, if you knew that he was missing her, how would that make you feel? If he is present in the marriage now and his actions are backing up his words and committment to you, then focus on the good stuff and don't let the bad stuff ruin things. I know this is hard on you, and you may have days when you question him, but he can make it easier on you by being loving, caring, understanding and definately be open to you IF the OW contacts him, like he has been doing so far. He has to earn your trust and faith in him again... When a man gets into an A, it's not for life... so it's normal that after a year or two...it's over... until the next A. Not ALL MM have secondary affairs.
silentcharon Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Yeah, and besides, how would it have benefitted you both if he told you that he was missing the OW in silence- while actually being in NC with the OW, would have thrown you both off track. It seems here that he might have told you a bit of a white lie, for the sake of the marriage that's being repaired right now. Have some faith, focus on the good things, hun.
shellys-trying Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Some H's just want to try something new, and that's all it is. free oral, free sex, whatever. If the WS returns to the M and don't act like they miss the xOW, then it may just be the case. My H didn't miss the skank he slept with after the A ended and he returned to the M. After so many months after dday, he had to tell her to leave him alone(they worked at the same place). She just became annoying. He'd had the free piece and it got old fast so he was done. I do think she gave him enough aggravation because he dumped her to work on his M that he learned a hard lesson. Yeah, he deserved the crap she gave him. It made him think about what he did and what he gave up for his W and kids, if only for a few months A. If your H acts like he doesn't miss the xOW, it might mean just that.
outofdarkness Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Some H's just want to try something new, and that's all it is. free oral, free sex, whatever. If the WS returns to the M and don't act like they miss the xOW, then it may just be the case. My H didn't miss the skank he slept with after the A ended and he returned to the M. After so many months after dday, he had to tell her to leave him alone(they worked at the same place). She just became annoying. He'd had the free piece and it got old fast so he was done. I do think she gave him enough aggravation because he dumped her to work on his M that he learned a hard lesson. Yeah, he deserved the crap she gave him. It made him think about what he did and what he gave up for his W and kids, if only for a few months A. If your H acts like he doesn't miss the xOW, it might mean just that. Just wanted to tell you that I really liked your post...ood
outofdarkness Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I need some insight/advice from fellow BS's. Everyone talks about partner going thru some depression/withdrawal after NC has been initiated with OW/OM. What do you make of a husband that doesn't appear to have suffered thru any of this? Was he just suffering in silence and doing his best to hide it? Perhaps he didn't care enough about her to feel that way? (That's his response when asked; I am told "Honey, our friendship wasn't that way.") Much as my pride may want to, I don't believe it! The OW was a hard fought secret (on his part) with LOTS of phoning and texting and escapism (for >1 year). Or perhaps the contact hasn't really ended? But I believe it has, particularly on his part. Every now and then she will see his vehicle and go into places where he is. But he tells me about this now without any prompting, and tells me that he finishes up and immediately leaves. I know that I am fixating a bit on this. But it's difficult when you are so used to picking up on mixed signals. Any thoughts? Or would I be best served to let this go? My H NEVER acted like he missed any of his OW's not even the main 10 year one. He never said anything about love, feelings...Nothing but friendship...sorry ow's if that makes anyone mad...
shellys-trying Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I always had the impression that if your spouse cheated on you it would have to be for love. Wrong. I learned that one quick. My H found someone who stroked his ego and his nether region. Mostly his nether region. Yeah, he could be saying that now to smooth ruffled feathers but he wasn't a loving H before he cheated, so why would I think he had miraculously turned into one after meeting the skank he cheated with. He didn't spend enough time with her on a one on one, get to know each other basis to care about her in any way but for free sex. My H changed his heart when he saw what the A did to me and our kids. Hard thing to see. He had to face alot of things after dday. He doesn't like the person he was before and during the A. I kinda like the guy he is now.
zeldazelda Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 do you think that if he's trying to work things out with you, he's going to tell you he loved her and how he still misses her? you can't read his mind, and it's probably better that you can't anyway, if your goal is to fix your marriage.
shellys-trying Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 do you think that if he's trying to work things out with you, he's going to tell you he loved her and how he still misses her? you can't read his mind, and it's probably better that you can't anyway, if your goal is to fix your marriage. Well, knowing the man that my H is now, I know he didn't love her and just wanted a free piece. Period.
zeldazelda Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Well, knowing the man that my H is now, I know he didn't love her and just wanted a free piece. Period. i didn't quote you, so my comment was actually meant for the original poster.
outofdarkness Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 do you think that if he's trying to work things out with you, he's going to tell you he loved her and how he still misses her? you can't read his mind, and it's probably better that you can't anyway, if your goal is to fix your marriage. I think that if you've been w/ someone long enough, you actually CAN tell thru body language, lingo, etc..what they're thinking...JMHO...It's sort of like the old saying that if you've been together long enough, you actually start to LOOK alike...
silktricks Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I need some insight/advice from fellow BS's. Everyone talks about partner going thru some depression/withdrawal after NC has been initiated with OW/OM. What do you make of a husband that doesn't appear to have suffered thru any of this? Well - - - - if you notice, most of the people who talk about the depression are the OW, and OF COURSE they want to believe that the MM is devastated now that they are gone. I sincerely doubt your husband is suffering, in silence or otherwise. My H was happy after he broke it off with the woman. He wasn't depressed at all, whereas, the entire time that he was writing and seeing her he was moody, depressed and sleeping constantly (another sign of depression). Although some people who have affairs are probably honestly in love with the affair partner, a LOT of them are not. Affairs often do not happen out of love, but rather out of anger, abused feelings, depression and availability. And being a hard fought secret, doesn't make it something that they honestly treasure. It just makes it a secret - sometimes (usually??) the things you most loathe are the things you most want no one to know about!! Also, think of all the stress an affair brings into someone's life. The lying, the deception, the sneaking. It's stressful!! For a lot of people the end of that stress is not something they are sad about, but rather they are simply relieved that it's over (especially when their spouse doesn't leave them because of it.)
smartgirl Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 My H made a distinction - he didn't miss her, but he did miss the good feelings he got from being with her. After about a month even that had faded. Once he was out of the A bubble and broke the habit, he didn't feel so emotionally connected to her anymore and was more focused on fixing things with me. My H has still dealt with emotional fallout, but not missing her per se. Your H may not miss her, but he probably does have lingering emotions that he should deal with. Those most men prefer the bottle-it-up approach. Important to note that his feelings have continued to evolve over the year of recovery. He said just the other day that he believed he was happy in the R with the OW when it was going on. He sees now that he was in a state of emotional turmoil (and lust) and that high he felt wasn't happiness. It takes time for the wall they put up against their emotions to come down and for them to see things as they really were. Give him time and make sure you are both talking and opening up. With regard to a next A. Not all cheaters do. Many fall into a category I saw in a book: basically monogamous finds self in situation of extreme temptation and yields A is mostly about a need to affirm attractiveness to the opposite sex usually a co-worker and usually initiated over drinks where judgement is weakened tends to feel guilt and remorse, during and after I believe that the key difference to avoiding repeat and fixing the marriage is MC. If we had done that with his almost EA 20 years ago I'm not sure the realy thing would have happened when it did. Recovery has been about looking at what we BOTH did that contributed to a vulnerable marriage.
Melissa277 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I wish I was at the place you all are at. Whenever my H gets quiet or we're listening to the car radio and some love song comes on, I wonder if he's thinking of her and when I ask him, he says that b*tch never enters my mind until you bring her up. Do you think that is true?
outofdarkness Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I wish I was at the place you all are at. Whenever my H gets quiet or we're listening to the car radio and some love song comes on, I wonder if he's thinking of her and when I ask him, he says that b*tch never enters my mind until you bring her up. Do you think that is true? My H says the same thing! He tells me that he NEVER thinks about the OW's unless "I" bring it up. Idk...Sometimes I believe him and sometimes I don't..I guess the fact that he's with myself and our kids still married should say something...I believe that the OW's were used just as myself and our kids were...
outofdarkness Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Well - - - - if you notice, most of the people who talk about the depression are the OW, and OF COURSE they want to believe that the MM is devastated now that they are gone. I sincerely doubt your husband is suffering, in silence or otherwise. My H was happy after he broke it off with the woman. He wasn't depressed at all, whereas, the entire time that he was writing and seeing her he was moody, depressed and sleeping constantly (another sign of depression). Although some people who have affairs are probably honestly in love with the affair partner, a LOT of them are not. Affairs often do not happen out of love, but rather out of anger, abused feelings, depression and availability. And being a hard fought secret, doesn't make it something that they honestly treasure. It just makes it a secret - sometimes (usually??) the things you most loathe are the things you most want no one to know about!! Also, think of all the stress an affair brings into someone's life. The lying, the deception, the sneaking. It's stressful!! For a lot of people the end of that stress is not something they are sad about, but rather they are simply relieved that it's over (especially when their spouse doesn't leave them because of it.) This was such a great post...Thanks
silktricks Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I wish I was at the place you all are at. Whenever my H gets quiet or we're listening to the car radio and some love song comes on, I wonder if he's thinking of her and when I ask him, he says that b*tch never enters my mind until you bring her up. Do you think that is true? ABSOLUTELY. I went through the same thing!! My husband said the exact (word for word) same thing. It took me a couple years, but I actually do believe it now - the looks of nausea and disgust helped!! .
shellys-trying Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 ABSOLUTELY. I went through the same thing!! My husband said the exact (word for word) same thing. It took me a couple years, but I actually do believe it now - the looks of nausea and disgust helped!! . I did too. Men are so lamely the same, aren't they? Yeah, when you see that look of self disgust cross their face upon mentioning the homewrecker's name, then you know how stupid they feel. I think men hate being reminded of how badly they are at judging character, ya know? They don't like being proven to look like a moron. It's my personal opinion that if a woman willingly has an A with a MM, she has no morals, no self respect, and definitely no conscience.
Tomcat33 Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 The fact is you will NEVER know what goes in inside his mind, no matter what we say here. Our partners could be fantasizing about a different person each time they make love to us, or the same person, or no one at all, while they talk to us, while they touch us or simply while they are watching at us talk. The question is, are their actions making us feel loved and cared about? It sounds like your H is doing everything to make it right, he even tells you when the xOW drives by so that means he is doing everything in his power to make you feel safe and like he is no longer hiding things. At some point you have to stop thinking about what's going on inside his head, because it will drive you crazy, he could be thinking about another woman entirely for all you know..and you will NEVER know that EVER so why even try? No matter how many times you ask him and he gives you the "right" answer you won't know the truth. but his actions will speak to you. Find the answer within, and calm your own insecurities with positive thoughts.
shellys-trying Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 The fact is you will NEVER know what goes in inside his mind, no matter what we say here. Our partners could be fantasizing about a different person each time they make love to us, or the same person, or no one at all, while they talk to us, while they touch us or simply while they are watching at us talk. The question is, are their actions making us feel loved and cared about? It sounds like your H is doing everything to make it right, he even tells you when the xOW drives by so that means he is doing everything in his power to make you feel safe and like he is no longer hiding things. At some point you have to stop thinking about what's going on inside his head, because it will drive you crazy, he could be thinking about another woman entirely for all you know..and you will NEVER know that EVER so why even try? No matter how many times you ask him and he gives you the "right" answer you won't know the truth. but his actions will speak to you. Find the answer within, and calm your own insecurities with positive thoughts. Well, if the H is fantasizing about another woman despite what he tells his BW then I guess he isn't being faithful is he? He's still a cheater. I think if the H is honest in every way he is telling the truth when his W asks him what he's thinking. LIke if he's thinking of the skank when he hears some cheesy song on the radio. Thank God the skank my H slept with liked that old crappy Conway Twitty garbage type music. Gag! I've never liked that crap and H doesn't like country anyway, so I guess that's one thing off my list.
smartgirl Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 Well - - - - if you notice, most of the people who talk about the depression are the OW, and OF COURSE they want to believe that the MM is devastated now that they are gone. I sincerely doubt your husband is suffering, in silence or otherwise. My H was happy after he broke it off with the woman. He wasn't depressed at all, whereas, the entire time that he was writing and seeing her he was moody, depressed and sleeping constantly (another sign of depression). Although some people who have affairs are probably honestly in love with the affair partner, a LOT of them are not. Affairs often do not happen out of love, but rather out of anger, abused feelings, depression and availability. And being a hard fought secret, doesn't make it something that they honestly treasure. It just makes it a secret - sometimes (usually??) the things you most loathe are the things you most want no one to know about!! Also, think of all the stress an affair brings into someone's life. The lying, the deception, the sneaking. It's stressful!! For a lot of people the end of that stress is not something they are sad about, but rather they are simply relieved that it's over (especially when their spouse doesn't leave them because of it.) I missed this post during my first read - very much like the situation with my H. His hair turned very gray, he slept all the time, snapped at the kids. He was in turmoil all the time -- guilty, but unable to break the habit with the OW. Your H may still have feelings he is dealing with. Sadness, loss, regret -- about her and about you. It is very hard to take, I know, that he has any remaining positive feelings about her at all. You want him to hate her. Try as hard as you can to let that go. Remind yourself that if he is the nice guy you think he is, he isn't going to feel good about hurting anyone -- her included. My H also said that he could shut off the thoughts, but me bringing it up all the time was keeping it alive. I know there is something to that, but I had a lot to work through and I needed to talk about it. But as time has gone on over the 14 months since d-day, I have needed to talk less and I have seen him relax more and feel even better. You can get there, but it doesn't happen in a clean forward progression. He feels a little better, then you feel a little better and so forth - baby steps but hopefully mostly in tandem. Good luck.
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