EnigmasMuse Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Went to lunch with some co workers yesterday and over heard one of the ladies we were eating with talk about her husband. I don't even remmber how we had gotten on the subject, but anyway, the way she described things with him came across as, she loved him but was just with him to be with him. She was pretty non chalant when talking about him, saying he was a ok father, an ok husband, decent provider, helped out some, but most of the time had to be told or asked to do what was right infront of him. Anyway, I chimed in and wasn't meaning any disrespect with what I had said, but I told her it sounded like she wasn't all that happy, and that she sounded as if she had just kind of settled with him. She looked at me and didn't even flinch and responded by saying, I was right in saying that, and she did just "settle." I guess its kind of like she maybe felt she couldn't do any better, and that this was justy the way her life was supposed to be, and she would just accept things for the way the were. So my question to to others is, would you "just settle?" If you thought you couldn't do any better than what you had, with your spouse, would you just continue to take on the attitude "well I, put all the years in anyway with him/her, might not get any better, but might not get any worse, so I'll just stick with what I have. Would you settle?
quankanne Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 nope, I wouldn't settle for marriage, or in a marriage – but then again, I see marriage much differently than the average bear and would have ended the relationship long before it got to that point, because it would have been a waste of my time and the guy's if our hearts were not in it.
polywog Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 That's an interesting question! I've actually given it a lot of thought recently, since my last relationship ended. What constitutes "settling" is highly personal. I suppose in my last relationship, I did settle in some ways. I loved him, though he was problematic in many ways, but we had a great home together and he satisfied many of my needs... foremost being that I found him incredibly sexy, which is important to me; he's the only man who I didn't become sexually bored by after a few years. Many of my other social and intellectual needs were met by my many friends. He was, however, emotionally unavailable on many levels, which was hard. Yet I stayed, and would probably still be there if he didn't end it. If I'd lived somewhere else, I'm not sure I'd have been with him for this long. But I don't live somewhere else, I live here, and we had things we did together which I cherished, and miss. I'd love to be with a man who is gorgeous, brilliant, libidinous, kind, rich, generous, and perfect. Would I "settle" for less? Yes. I'm open to what the world will bring me, knowing I am filled with my own flaws. I don't know at this point what settling for less is for me, since I am in flux.
JackJack Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I don't think I would just settle, in anything. I feel I have to much respect for myself to settle or stay in a situation I knew was not good or healthy for me.
Woggle Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I don't think I would just settle, in anything. I feel I have to much respect for myself to settle or stay in a situation I knew was not good or healthy for me. In a few years your wife will feel like she settled.
Krytellan Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Would you settle? Yep, absolutely. Despite what people say, I personally think we all settle to some extent. The intensity of our past relationship failures has much to do with how much we are willing to settle as well as our age. I'm rapidly approaching my mid-thirties and am at a point where I would settle if there was enough reason to. I think of it more as a continuum of acceptance though. Based on my past experiences, I have prioritized the things that truly matter most to me in a relationship. I think if someone can satisfy three of the top 5 things on my list, that would constitute a long-term relationship potential. People may disagree, but I don't think just anyone can satisfy 3 of my top 5 needs, so there still is a large degree of selectivity going on.
JackJack Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 In a few years your wife will feel like she settled. Gee thanks Woggle. It amazes how once I got married people started coming out of the wood works with negative things to say, or questions. Hopefully, Woggle, in a few years she wont feel like that. I really hope we don't become bitter cold hearted people, with poor or little communication skills,with harbored resentment for our choices in life. And look across the table at each other thinking, "Gee she/he is ok but I could have done better". Its one thing to have problems and all people will, but quite another to continue to wallow in them for years and years, and "settle"because we think its what we deserve.
Woggle Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 In a few years your wife will feel like she settled. Gee thanks Woggle. It amazes how once I got married people started coming out of the wood works with negative things to say, or questions. Hopefully, Woggle, in a few years she wont feel like that. I really hope we don't become bitter cold hearted people, with poor or little communication skills,with harbored resentment for our choices in life. And look across the table at each other thinking, "Gee she/he is ok but I could have done better". Its one thing to have problems and all people will, but quite another to continue to wallow in them for years and years, and "settle"because we think its what we deserve. Because most of these people are right.
JackJack Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Because most of these people are right. I don't think there is a right or wrong here. The question was, "Would YOU settle?" So, in other words, if I wouldn't settle, doesn't mean others would or not. Its whatever is up to the individual and what they would or would not do. If you wouldn't settle, fine no big deal, that your choice. If you would settle, fine no big deal its your choice. I don't appreciate being put down (in so many words) for my choice either.
Topper Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 my question is how long has this woman been married? I was surfing the net last night. I ran across a very interesting site. It is on woman's Infidelity. A woman has written a book on the different phases that some woman seem to go through in their marriages. One Phase was that woman after a few years start thinking less of their husbands. They found fault with him. Over time they often became very critical. They would loss interest in having sex with him. They then started seeing other men as being more attractive. The next phase is actively looking for an affair. Now not every ambivalent wife is going to have an affair. In fact the point seemed to be to get women to understand their own behavior to avoid having an affair. this could also be why many men satt looking out side the marriage for emotional support. For men emotional support also means sex. This is just a thought on why this woman at your lunch was ambivalent toward her husband She just might be in a phase of her marriage.
Topper Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 In a few years your wife will feel like she settled. Gee thanks Woggle. It amazes how once I got married people started coming out of the wood works with negative things to say, or questions. Hopefully, Woggle, in a few years she wont feel like that. I really hope we don't become bitter cold hearted people, with poor or little communication skills,with harbored resentment for our choices in life. And look across the table at each other thinking, "Gee she/he is ok but I could have done better". Its one thing to have problems and all people will, but quite another to continue to wallow in them for years and years, and "settle"because we think its what we deserve. Read my post it makes a lot of sense. if you understand yourself and the psychology behind what your doing you can gain the knowledge and skills to prevent you and your bride from falling into the traps that have ended so many marriages. At some point many years from now you and she will feel you settled. just understand this. arm yourself with the right tools and it will just be a short phase and not lead to deeper trouble.
Woggle Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I read that book as well. They should hand it out free to men when they buy engagement rings so they can see what women are really about.
Author EnigmasMuse Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 my question is how long has this woman been married? 15 years with 2 kids. I think for me, I wouldn't settle. As a matter of fact with my ex husband I didn't. Thats why he is an ex. I could have easily settled with him being verbally abusive and cheating, y saying things like, He is a good provider, I don't lack for anything material wise, OR, he does help me out at times, and he can be sweet. But see, I didn't let those justifications of the "good" things he did do once in awhile outweigh what was really happening in the relationship. There was more bad going on than good. I wasn't happy, and neither was he, so, No for me I didn't settle by staying with him. That is the way I see it though. I do think people need to do what they feel works best for them though.
Trialbyfire Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I'm not certain dissatisfaction is necessarily an indication of settling, for either gender. If anything, it's an indication of people getting to know each other better and not communicating their priorities. Some can be a little more vocal and want to be proactive, where others tend to keep small issues inside and then one day, turn and say, they're dissatisfied with their relationship.
Author EnigmasMuse Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 I read that book as well. They should hand it out free to men when they buy engagement rings so they can see what women are really about. I see that you and topper neither one answered the question really. So you would settle? Which is ok if its what you feel. And are you saying if you went and asked your wife right now, if she feels she has settled or will feel that way in a few years, do you think she would say, "Yes Wog, I have "settled" for you. I can do better really but you'll just have to do for me." If she asked you the same question what would your answer be? You and Topper read to many books about women and negativity it seems. I noticed too, quank, said SHE wouldn't settle, but you didn't say anything to her. But the minute a man says HE wouldn't settle it all comes spilling out from you, but let me guess, its because he is married to a WOMAN, and women are just evil.
mockeryjones Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 i did not settle. i was mad for my wife in the beginning, and still am for the most part. i chased for months, waged a courting campaign from clear across the country that were i to write it out would make a hell of a romantic comedy. it had all the elements of high romance, started with a boy meets girl and then girl moves across the country scenario. it had rivals to be undermined, past loves to be eclipsed, and timing and self controll to be learned. in short (and i'm not writing this to brag, it was what it was) it was a work of courtship art. I have very old fashioned values and worked the courtship in the tradition of those values. on the other hand i am nearly positive that she did settle for me. as i said there were rivals, and past loves to overcome, and though she ended up marrying me, to this day i'm not sure i entirely overcame the memory of those rivals and past loves. i generally don't let myself worry about it too much, but sometimes late at night i must admit that i worry that she's going to wake up and realize i'm not as great as the whirlwind i created would have had her believe.
lrae Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 So my question to to others is, would you "just settle?" If you thought you couldn't do any better than what you had, with your spouse, would you just continue to take on the attitude "well I, put all the years in anyway with him/her, might not get any better, but might not get any worse, so I'll just stick with what I have. The fact that this women's story bothered you enough to start this thread says you are not a settler!! No, don't settle - FIGHT THE APATHY!! Having said that, relationships (particularly marriages) are not effortless. They require commitment and hard work sometimes. Just make sure you on the same page on this as your partner!
Woggle Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I really don't feel like I will go through this in my marriage because we always communicate our needs. If we feel it we say it and it usually gets resolved. Most marriages have people who expect the other to read their mind and then their spouse starts to feel resentful when the needs are never met.
I Love Twinkies Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 In a few years your wife will feel like she settled. You're married, too, Woggle, might as well call the divorce lawyer now and get it over with. After all, your wife is going to feel like she settled in a few years. Or are you the ONE exception, LOL.
Woggle Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 As for settling no I would not settle but I don't have this view that things have to be like a romance novel 100% of the time in order for the marriage to be happy.
JackJack Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I really don't feel like I will go through this in my marriage because we always communicate our needs. If we feel it we say it and it usually gets resolved. Most marriages have people who expect the other to read their mind and then their spouse starts to feel resentful when the needs are never met. Wonderful Woggle. And I hope that you don't go through it. Absolutly wonderful of you though to say you don't think you would go through that becasue you all have communication, BUT you are quick to jump on me to say that in a few years my wife will feel she settled? So, what, now me and my wife don't have communication? You toot your own horn about your marriage (which is nice) but quick to jump on others and tell them they better open their eyes because their wife it going to settle. I'm so glad you have MY life all figured out.
quankanne Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 ah jack, don't worry about it – just enjoy the newness of your marriage, it's pretty romantic to behold you newlyweds :love: Most marriages have people who expect the other to read their mind and then their spouse starts to feel resentful when the needs are never met. does this include the part where the husband keeps throwing monkey wrenches into the relationship because he's convinced his wife is going to take up where his evil ex-wives left off? That was the biggest demon I had to face in my marriage, because while I knew my husband cared for me, he had a certain expectation like Wog's, that I was going to do him dirty and no amount of communication helped correct that until he decided to give our marriage an honest go ...
Woggle Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I have decided to trust my wife because she signed a 20 page prenup. That means that I am protected if she decides to walk. It is much easier to feel safe when you are insured and a prenup is a form of divorce insurance. She also didn't want a big wedding and didn't want a big engagement ring. She was more into the marriage than the wedding which shows where her head is at. I know it is a bit hypocritical to be anti-marriage while I am happily married myself but I feel it is good to have somewhat of a cynicism about it.
PandorasBox Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 have decided to trust my wife because she signed a 20 page prenup. That means that I am protected if she decides to walk. It is much easier to feel safe when you are insured and a prenup is a form of divorce insurance. Great! So you are covered and protected material wise etc if she walks. But is your heart? Will your heart be protected if she walks? No prenup will save your heart from any pain that might be caused if she does walk Woggle. But goodness, its good all other areas are covered and protected.
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