Author marlena Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 Rio, Yes, I know I have taken this way beyond yonder and out into left field as you say. It's something I can't help. I have always had problems dealing with hurtful lies and deception. The older I get the harder I find it to deal with heartbreak. It is an accumulation of wrongs and injustices that have accumulated over the years and I just can't seem to roll with the punches anymore. I ask myself - why, oh, why can I not find love? I don't want to be out there looking anymore - I think at this age I deserve a stable and fulfilling patnership with a wonderful man. I am tired and oh so broken after all didappointments and heartaches. I have lost trust and hope. I'm sorry I have disappointed you. There is no strength in me anymore. I feel depleted. I wish I were more liky you. You seem so "together" and strong . I am literally falling to pieces. It's just one too many punches.
riobikini Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 re: Marlena: " I'm sorry I have disappointed you. There is no strength in me anymore. I feel depleted. I wish I were more like you. You seem so "together" and strong . I am literally falling to pieces. It's just one too many punches." Stop! -right there! (Smile) You remind me of my sister (since passed) many years ago, when she came to me in tears, flopped down on the bed beside me and asked, in the most painfully twisted voice all broken up and choked back, "Why can't I be like you?" She was at one of the lowest points in her life -simply more than she felt she could bear- and felt so defeated and weary that all the emotions that were possible -anger, feelings of worthlessness- some of the darkest emotions a human being can have, held her as their miserable prize hostage. And the not-so-surprising secret was (and is normally true in these types of situations) -she was blind to the fact at that exact dark moment- that we all can wind up in those lowly places- and that *no one* is exempt, gets a free pass, or is too strong to be afflicted by them. You don't have to have an emotional disorder, you don't have to be a weak person, you don't even have to have a long list of so-called failures in your life to experience a sudden and profound and cage-rattling funk that lands you in a dishearteningly low place. In tears. And disoriented. And frustrated beyond belief. It just has to happen at the "right" time, when your life is ripe for change that's been ignored over and over, or too little attention has been paid to the maintenance of your best-interest needs, or you are exhausted from living in someone else's world, pretending that it's *your* world -and that everything is working. And there are certainly *other* reasons that can land you there -just break out a pen and paper and start scribbling them -they'll outlast the case of Post-it notes you have on hand. But don't waste your time -instead, focus on the reason(s) you *already know* -the ones that have been nagging you in your gut, instinctively- that have been knocking loudly upon your door, take a big breath and *open it*, and begin dealing with them, head-on. Like my sister, right now you need the balm of understanding -and referring waaaaay back to your earliest posts, there was some great advice given concerning you- that went semi-acknowledged but never was truly acted upon. Marlena, your passion for finding a love that will last is both admirable and inspirational -but it is also accomplishable, if you just begin using some of the great knowledge you have naturally, and have been infused with during your life-long education in your career and other social interaction. In a word -well, two words: common sense. And you have that -you're just ignoring or bypassing the obvious route to get to the goal quickly. So here's the balm (and it's delivered with genuine-ness...Smile..): I think you are extraordinarily intelligent, gifted, and have an abundance of graciousness and a delightful sense of humor (so perk up; what's there not to love there? -or deserving of a *real* loving relationship?). I think you have all the resources to give and get love and are equipped with all the tools (tho you probably don't recognize them fully) to keep and maintain a very meaningful, deep, and happy relationship with someone. I truly believe(judging from how you've responded these months on LS) that you are more aware of what steps you should take to disengage from your previous patterns than ever before. And I see no reason why you should not gather up all this information you've been getting, put it to work in your life -and begin living it for real! And just to keep this post honest (Smile) -I have to comment on your thinking you should be "like me". Marlena, I have been in a place similar to yours; just take a look at some of my first posts in LS when I went on for months and months with a person who was so wrong for me. I was like an ostrich in pain, buring her head deep into the sand, making excuses for him, trying relentlessly to understand him, and ignoring my own right to any possible happiness. I was miserable! (Smile) No one is *that* strong, Marlena -and certainly not me -I am human and subject to all the emotions, failures, and pitfalls the same as anyone else. But the hope and encouragement is this (and I promise you, this is the deepest truth you can get): there is absolutely, a new and different direction open and ready and waiting for you to turn -an in-your-face time for change- and even if you're getting your nose rubbed in the soil of your own mistakes, ignorance, and have been sorely misguided far off track, there is always opportunity at this forks-in-the-road that you've obviously -finally!- encountered. And a future worth having if you take it. Promise. (Smile) -Rio P.S. Marlena, if you were more like *you* -the real *you* -there would be no wishing to be like someone else (Smile.)
Author marlena Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 re: Stop! -right there! (Smile) You remind me of my sister (since passed) many years ago, when she came to me in tears, flopped down on the bed beside me and asked, in the most painfully twisted voice all broken up and choked back, "Why can't I be like you?" So you see, dear Rio, it is so explictly plain to see that you are a rareindividual. Your sister (so sorry for your loss) knew exactly what she was talking about - as do I. You combine compassion with wisdom in a way few people are able to do. She was at one of the lowest points in her life -simply more than she felt she could bear- and felt so defeated and weary that all the emotions that were possible -anger, feelings of worthlessness- some of the darkest emotions a human being can have, held her as their miserable prize hostage. And the not-so-surprising secret was (and is normally true in these types of situations) -she was blind to the fact at that exact dark moment- that we all can wind up in those lowly places- and that *no one* is exempt, gets a free pass, or is too strong to be afflicted by them. Yes, I know, dear Rio. No one is spared - we all have our share of troubles- some more , some less and surely most people are tossed into the the abyss several times in the duration of the time that is allotted to them on this Earth. You don't have to have an emotional disorder, you don't have to be a weak person, you don't even have to have a long list of so-called failures in your life to experience a sudden and profound and cage-rattling funk that lands you in a dishearteningly low place. In tears. And disoriented. And frustrated beyond belief. It just has to happen at the "right" time, when your life is ripe for change that's been ignored over and over, or too little attention has been paid to the maintenance of your best-interest needs, or you are exhausted from living in someone else's world, pretending that it's *your* world -and that everything is working. And there are certainly *other* reasons that can land you there -just break out a pen and paper and start scribbling them -they'll outlast the case of Post-it notes you have on hand. But don't waste your time -instead, focus on the reason(s) you *already know* -the ones that have been nagging you in your gut, instinctively- that have been knocking loudly upon your door, take a big breath and *open it*, and begin dealing with them, head-on. Like my sister, right now you need the balm of understanding -and referring waaaaay back to your earliest posts, there was some great advice given concerning you- that went semi-acknowledged but never was truly acted upon. Yes, and I thank everyone who ever took the time out to wade through my miserable posts - especially you, Rio (smile). Marlena, your passion for finding a love that will last is both admirable and inspirational -but it is also accomplishable, if you just begin using some of the great knowledge you have naturally, and have been infused with during your life-long education in your career and other social interaction. In a word -well, two words: common sense. And you have that -you're just ignoring or bypassing the obvious route to get to the goal quickly. Rio, you have an amazing capacity to get straight to the crux of any problem. Deep in my heart of hearts I know this is the cause of all my woes. I remember people always saying, "How can anybody so intelligent be so damn stupid? Where is that girl's commen sense"? I had not one shred of common sense. My sisters would say,"She's got her head up in the clouds." And even as they uttered these words, I would not hear them due to "the clouds getting in my way". Not surprisingly, this was one of my favourite songs when I was a teenager. Perhaps that is why I am so severe on myself. I should not be allowed not to have any common sense. I was a practically straight A student all thru High School, I was offered a job in the English Department of my Uni, did my Msster's and started to work on my doctoral thesis at the age of 45 after I had successfully raised a daughter on my own (did that right at least). So, how can I forgive myself for making such abominable choices in such quick succession? One my sisters who was a C student and only attended Community College had common sense that she used to her benefit and has not had a heart wrenching day in her life. She hears about my troubles and sady shakes her head as if saying, "When will this woman get it through her thick skull'? So here's the balm (and it's delivered with genuine-ness...Smile..): I think you are extraordinarily intelligent, gifted, and have an abundance of graciousness and a delightful sense of humor (so perk up; what's there not to love there? -or deserving of a *real* loving relationship?). Thanks, Rio. Your words of encouragement have brought tears of release into my eyes and as they trickle down my cheek - yes - believe it or not I AM SMILING. Your smile is contageous, you do know that of course. I think you have all the resources to give and get love and are equipped with all the tools (tho you probably don't recognize them fully) to keep and maintain a very meaningful, deep, and happy relationship with someone. I truly believe(judging from how you've responded these months on LS) that you are more aware of what steps you should take to disengage from your previous patterns than ever before. And I see no reason why you should not gather up all this information you've been getting, put it to work in your life -and begin living it for real! And just to keep this post honest (Smile) -I have to comment on your thinking you should be "like me". Marlena, I have been in a place similar to yours; just take a look at some of my first posts in LS when I went on for months and months with a person who was so wrong for me. I was like an ostrich in pain, buring her head deep into the sand, making excuses for him, trying relentlessly to understand him, and ignoring my own right to any possible happiness. I was miserable! (Smile) Yes, Rio, I devoured all your posts. I know all about the tribulations you've been through (mine pale in comparison) and I am so sorry BUT knowing all that you have been through and what you are today only increases my admiration of you. No one is *that* strong, Marlena -and certainly not me -I am human and subject to all the emotions, failures, and pitfalls the same as anyone else. But the hope and encouragement is this (and I promise you, this is the deepest truth you can get): there is absolutely, a new and different direction open and ready and waiting for you to turn -an in-your-face time for change- and even if you're getting your nose rubbed in the soil of your own mistakes, ignorance, and have been sorely misguided far off track, there is always opportunity at this forks-in-the-road that you've obviously -finally!- encountered. And a future worth having if you take it. Promise. (Smile) -Rio I believe you Rio. Your promises are to be seriously taken - almost prophecies P.S. Marlena, if you were more like *you* -the real *you* -there would be no wishing to be like someone else (Smile.) You can not dissuade me. I wish I were more like you. (a smile just for you)
riobikini Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 Marlena, wherever you are in life, whatever you are doing -it is *you* who is guiding it and doing it. Not someone else. -Rio
Author marlena Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 I know, Rio, but happily there are people like you who offer guidance simply by pointing a finger in the right direction! (Keep smiling)
Author marlena Posted June 8, 2007 Author Posted June 8, 2007 "We do arrive at a place, CaliGuy, where our head begins to judge our hearts rather well" A quote from a very old post of yours!! OMG Rio, I have been spending the last five hours reading all your thread starters as you suggested I do yesterday! I had read them before and like any good read I had to read every word again before I could "interpret" the text! I am too emotionally charged right now to go into a lengthy tirade of the tremendous impact rereading your posts has had on me! A veritable eye - opener! Two years ago you were where I am today. And hopefully in shorter time I will be where you are today. I do after all have the ammunition! I just had to have you remind!!! I am doing some hard thinking Rio (and smiling)! Not to worry! And soon I will get back to you with a post of all the wonderful things you have done for me! It is simply too much to take at the moment! Surprisingly enough, yesterday I thought I wanted to be like you. Today, I have realized that in many ways I am like you! Lagging behind but certainly behind you (Ugh! Hard race)! And so a part of my wish comes true today! Only you knew this right from day one, didn't you? And so you kept on smiling! As you do for so many people in here! You always knew I had the answers within myself! You never doubted that! (Big, big smiles and hugs , Rio, dear!!!) You have been a godsent!
riobikini Posted June 9, 2007 Posted June 9, 2007 Marlena, the "do-as-I-do" suggestion is best followed without any glance back when there are flames all around you and screaming people are pouring from the tall building via the nearest window and someone throws you a rope. (Smile) Otherwise, it's probably, best to take time to gather info, assess it without pressure, and make certain it all applies to *you*. No two people's circumstances are exactly the same. While it's great to have examples to look at, and different perspectives to draw from, the key to getting your best answer is to keep in mind you're seeking the best answer for *you* -and not, necessarily, the one that worked best for someone else. I think that's pretty significant to anyone coming to LS seeking to resolve a problem, get an answer, or deal with an issue. I'm glad, though, that some of my old posts have helped you in some way -they were meant for good for anyone who comes across them. And -Marlena- I still believe (as similarly stated in my earlier post) that if you focus on being more like your true, genuine self -there would be no desire to be like anyone else. (Smile) -Rio
Author marlena Posted June 10, 2007 Author Posted June 10, 2007 quote=riobikini;1217420]Marlena, the "do-as-I-do" suggestion is best followed without any glance back when there are flames all around you and screaming people are pouring from the tall building via the nearest window and someone throws you a rope. (Smile) Not to worry, Rio. I am known for my independent judgement (good or bad) and usually take the stairs down when everyone is leaping out of windows. Probably that's what gets me into trouble to begin with!! Otherwise, it's probably, best to take time to gather info, assess it without pressure, and make certain it all applies to *you*. No two people's circumstances are exactly the same. No they aren't. Still, there is a universality in the human predicament. And yes, I am assessing and though certainly a lot if it is similar there are disparities. While it's great to have examples to look at, and different perspectives to draw from, the key to getting your best answer is to keep in mind you're seeking the best answer for *you* -and not, necessarily, the one that worked best for someone else. Yes, Rio, though I do draw from other people's experiences and listen to their advice I ultimately do what I think is right for me - and sc***up in the process, ! I think that's pretty significant to anyone coming to LS seeking to resolve a problem, get an answer, or deal with an issue. I'm glad, though, that some of my old posts have helped you in some way -they were meant for good for anyone who comes across them. Your old posts were a tremendous help - made me see the man I have tearing my heart of - was/is and always will be a serial dater - a player- the worst kind - not the one who is upfront with it and allows you to make your desision but the one who uses deception to charm you to death. An then walks away. This man even had the nerve to tell me, "I stick around for as long as I can fool women. Once they get wind of who I am, I move on to the next, until she too finds out". He knew I had seen through him so it was time to hit the highway! Making sure of course he had already captured his next victim. Just writing this makes me want to vomit again. And -Marlena- I still believe (as similarly stated in my earlier post) that if you focus on being more like your true, genuine self -there would be no desire to be like anyone else. Rio, I do not desire to be like anyone else - just a stronger version of myself. I want to reach the point where my mind will censor my heart's feelings. I want to make better choices where men are concerned. I want to be stronger emotionally. I am trying to smile , Rio, when the only thing I really want to do is ring this "chiken's" neck and smile when I am doing it. I can't forgive myself for not seeing the signs - or rather to be more honest with myself - seeing the signs and ignoring them. They are mastes at seduction, aren't they? -Rio
riobikini Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 re: Marlena: " They are mastes at seduction, aren't they?" Masters, Marlena -in their *own* eyes- and pursuing the practice of a game that only hurts *them* worse, in the end -usually, along their twilight years when they're left alone with their "shoulda's" and "coulda's", and maybe, a few good stories to tell. Keep that in mind. You are the *lucky* one: you've woken up to the ridiculous, senseless circumstances you were in (he, on the other hand, has not.) But it's best not to worry about him, or how he's going to get by -it's *you* you should focus on: those types of folks *always* seem to roll on without a care in the world until that *one* special, astonishing (and lonely) day ahead of them. And if you allow them to -and are really lucky- they normally fade away like a heat pimple on your arse during the sweatiest part of summer. Hardly worth remembering. (Smile) -Rio
Author marlena Posted June 11, 2007 Author Posted June 11, 2007 "Masters, Marlena -in their *own* eyes- and pursuing the practice of a game that only hurts *them* worse, in the end -usually, along their twilight years when they're left alone with their "shoulda's" and "coulda's", and maybe, a few good stories to tell. Keep that in mind." I am keeping it in mind, Rio. But there's a little nagging voice somewhere in the back of my head that tells me these people never have this kind of epiphany - they simply aren't capable. They do not have the emotional or intellectual sub -structure to process these kind of thoughts. Like you said he'll probably drift along thinking he is the greatest lover in the world - who cares if I am eunuch? Still, I admit the the thought is soooooooooo comforting as base as that may make me sound. Thanks, Rio - and again thanks! Stay well and always smiling!
riobikini Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 re: Marlena: " But there's a little nagging voice somewhere in the back of my head that tells me these people never have this kind of epiphany.." Wait! -can't turn you lose, just yet. You see, it's *exactly* that kind of nagging thought -the negative residue oozing off the bad relationship and sticking with you that causes many folks to hang onto the last tattered shreds of a worthless relationship longer than they need to. Let go of that! Those negative thoughts, looking back and clinging (even if just a little) to what you *think* might have been, or *should* have been, is damaging. And unnecessary from that aspect. Yes, it's *good* to take time to see where you truly stood in the relationship -and how ultimately worthless all your effort was (is) -and compare it to how you really want your life, and the love you desire most to be. When I said, "Keep that in mind" -I really didn't mean to keep thinking about how he loses and you win by moving on; I meant keep in mind how stark the comparisons are, with the positive focus on *you*, the lucky one, for breaking free of living as a kind of "toy" in his pattern. But to spend time -even mere seconds- thinking about how miserable and empty someone might wind up being someday, how they may, one day, get their "just deserts" or how they may never wake up, at all- is wasteful and useless. I agree that it's human nature to want to take these so-called "Masters" (Smile) up by the shirt collar, jerk them sharply to attention, look them straight in the eye and tell them how pathetic, immature, and selfish they are, how they've wasted your time, and how much you wish you could hang around to (finally!) see them regretting their their stupid behavior patterns. But there's no guarantee they ever will -and even precious seconds of *your* life shouldn't be put on hold waiting for the small crow you might (or might not) get to deliver. Take your exit with steps *far beyond* all that -in your very own personal grace and style. And let the past truly be the past. -Rio
Author marlena Posted June 11, 2007 Author Posted June 11, 2007 Thanks RIo, I am trying to make a gracious exit as you say but it getting more and more difficult each day. I'm still hanging in there - barely! And thanks for not letting me go. Perhaps you sense that I am not ready yet to take that first little baby step alone? Thanks for still holding my hand. Hugs Rio
bede86 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 in my experience, girls have really hurt me, I'm 21 and ive been in 3 relationships where I was hurt really badly, its given me commitment issues and I now find myself having trouble going out with girls and its destroyed my confidence, thus making it hard to find someone to begin with.......I've never hurt a girl, never led one on, never done anything bad, yet I'm single and alone now, while ******* guys who cheat and deceive girls into believing there a nice guy go around hurting girls on a regular basis. IMO girls need to wake up and stop going for these douche bags and maybe give the nice guy a chance. I'm sure I'm not alone on that opinion.
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