To you wonderful men on LS

[marlena]

Why do men like to string women along ? What is your mindset when you employ such tactics? What do you hope to achieve? Is it an ego boost? And if so, what does that say about your own mental state? Is it not putting all your eggs in one basket? How manipulative can you get? Do you derive any pleasure just knowing you are making someone miserable?

 

What in heaven's sake are your motives?

[tanbark813]

You're not going to get many useful responses by posting a series of accusatory questions, but FWIW, a lot of times women allow themselves to be strung along because they don't have enough self-respect.

[Topper]

I don't think stringing someone along is limited to men.

What you see as being strong along could just be indecision on his or her part. They might see some good things about getting into a relationship with you. at the same time they have reservations. People often can't express these reservations. It is that nagging little feeling in the back of your mind that says something just doesn't feel right. In many ways he might be thinking your perfect. yet something is missing. why? He or she just can't break it off or make a full on commitment.

 

On the other hand it could just be an ego stroke. Some men and woman just like that feeling that they can get all these people to fall in love with them.

[marlena]

I'm sorry if I came off as being accusatory. By no means at all was that my intention! It must be my sorry emotional state at the moment.

 

 

Dear TB,

I have always admired many of your posts and thanks for replying. As always, you hit the nail on the head. We do allow them (as I'm sure the equivalent occurs with men too). But still it doesn't fully answer my question.

 

What kind of satisfaction do people get in this type of behaviour? What is it about the human psyche that relishes inflicting pain?

 

For in my book - there can be nothing more torturous than allowing people to live in a sate of limbo - like Dante's Purgatory, let's say. Heaven or Hell are much better.

 

Agree?

[marlena]

Thanks Topper,

I too have tried to see it in the way you describe - and many other ways as well . That is why I posed the question in the first place. I was curious to now what motivates this kind of behaviour!

 

And yes, stringing along is not just a male prerogative, I'm sure. But being a woman, I just needed a male's point of view on the matter.

 

Thanks for yr input>

[marlena]

Sheesh! My sp is abominable! I should edit but I am not up to the task at this moment.

[tanbark813]

What kind of satisfaction do people get in this type of behaviour? What is it about the human psyche that relishes inflicting pain?

 

I don't think you're asking the right questions. Or, more specifically, you're asking questions that are geared towards receiving a pre-conceived answer. I don't think people directly derive satisfaction from that type of behavior nor do I think people--for the most part, there will be exceptions--enjoy inflicting pain.

 

Take a FWB I had last year. I told her right off the bat that I didn't want anything serious with her. She understood (or at least I thought) but tried pushing for more. She initiated most of the time we spent together and I think she thought she could change my mind. It went on for months and she did get hurt as a result of the situation but, at the same time, she's an adult and can make her own decisions. I do feel a little guilty for her getting hurt but it's lessened by the fact that I never misled her as to what I wanted. So while I don't think I strung her along, I'm sure some of her friends think that. But she could have put her foot down at any time. So it's not about wanting to manipulate a person or wanting to hurt them, but if I'm not seeing anyone else why would I turn down sex?

 

Of course, this is only one case and there probably are some instances where people genuinely are out to hurt another person but I would imagine those are the in the minority. I think most of the time someone is "strung along" because they're just hoping for the best and lack the self-respect or courage to take a stand for what they really want.

[Topper]

Ok I understand that this is about you. You have feeling for someone and you think you are just being stron along right?

Does he know the depths of your feelings? guys are not mind readers. you need to tell him and do it in simple plan language . We men can be a tad dense when it comes to emotional subjects. If he isn't playing you . If he has any kind of feelings for you he will hear you. You may not win him to you. in fact he just might do what he has had in the back of him mind all along. If you don't want to be in limbo are you ready to be let go?

 

Having power over someone is just a part of human nature. We don't necessarily see it as intentionally inflicting pain. If this guy is a player then why are you hanging on? deep down inside you know if your being played or not. You are the one that allows yourself to be played. he can't do a thing to you that you don't allow him to do.

[polywog]

Good post, TB:).

 

I used to string guys along when I was much younger and very immature...selfish, in other words. I have huge regrets about it now, after having been broken a few times myself and learning empathy the hard way. I never did it to hurt anyone, though it was hurtful.

 

I think people (guys/gals) do it because they can, because they want it all, and haven't realized how stupid and selfish it is. Also, it's true that the partner in this is likewise somewhat immature (or unseasoned) in that they think they can change the mind of the stringer-a-longer.

 

Ya live and ya learn! And it's so often "ouch", but that's how it is....

[riobikini]

re:

 

TanBark: "...women allow themselves to be strung along because they don't have enough self-respect."

 

Ditto!

 

And let me add this: I think alot of it comes from "needing" something -more likely an emotional "something"- they haven't already created for themselves.

 

Maybe they're hoping (without realizing it) to "overcome" their sense of lack or powerlessness by having some sort of effect on the guy that "miraculously" changes him into whatever Barbie-fantasy idea of what a guy should be, or act like -which, of course, if he buys into it- is only going sap the very strength she was attracted to in the first place and turn him into some disappointing, suck-up weakling that *nobody* could be attracted to (not even himself!).

 

So then -they're *both* miserable.

 

Juuuuuust a thought.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[Krytellan]

You're not going to get many useful responses by posting a series of accusatory questions, but FWIW, a lot of times women allow themselves to be strung along because they don't have enough self-respect.

 

*nod* well said.

 

Also, however, I would have to guess that some of the stringing along is due to wanting to keep what you have while you are actively seeking something better. I mean, if you were saving up to buy a BMW wouldn't you at least like a nice Honda until you get enough money?

[marlena]

Tan Bark,

Thanks. I know what you mean about my seeking pre-conceived answers. Be that as it may, I foolishly perhaps still want to know what motivates this kind of behavior for I have never indulged in such a thing.

 

About your relationship with this firl, I agree. You were up front so in my book you were not stinging her along.

 

I've had men be upfront with me and this I respected profoundly. I knew right form the start and was a consenting adult and so no one was hurt in the end.

 

I suppose by saying stringing along I mean a degree of dishonesty.

 

Rio,

Hi ! Lovely to hear from you again. How strange that merely a few minutes ago I was posting on your Father's Day thread. It was a long, deeply felt post but it got lost because I delayed too much.

 

 

Rio, just one short question. Is it so wrong to be needing "something" emotional? Is it not a basic human need?

 

 

I mean, why can't people just openly say what they want or feel? Especially when it concerns adults.

 

I just can't fathom somebody in their fifties playing these mind games.

 

Or some one falling for them , huh?

 

(still smiling)!

[directx]

Define 'string' along.

I may carry on flirting and inneuendos, but only because I am feeling her feelings about me out.

 

But I can't 'string' along for a long time.

I get borderline obsessive and then eventually want the woman like a fat man on a diet dancing around a hot fudge sundae: eventually you got to get it.

[reef man]

Why do men like to string women along ? What is your mindset when you employ such tactics? What do you hope to achieve? Is it an ego boost? And if so, what does that say about your own mental state? Is it not putting all your eggs in one basket? How manipulative can you get? Do you derive any pleasure just knowing you are making someone miserable?

 

What in heaven's sake are your motives?

 

Real men don't string women along or do anything else you suggested.

 

And I have had women that do everything you just mentioned.

The solution was simple, I dumped any woman that wanted to play head games.

[marlena]

Reef man,

 

My feelings precisely!

 

Mature men and women just don't do this kind of thing - if they have any self - respect... for if you can not respect yourself, then how on earth can you respect others? How can you act in accordance to a quality you simply do not possess?

 

To me it would seem that a person in his fifties behaving in this way harbors huge complexes and unresolved issues. It is simply unacceptable at this age , or any for that matter.

 

I had men in various phases of my life who wanted casual relationships and because I too was in that frame of mind I accepted. Nobody was hurt. "Honesty" is the key word here. People who string oters along are simply dishonest and self- serving.

 

 

Yes, turning my back on this is the mature thing to do.

 

It's just that at times my own insecurities and fears take over and I find it hard to do thou every intelligent bone in my body is screeching, "WALK AWAY'!

[allina]

Why do men like to string women along ? What is your mindset when you employ such tactics? What do you hope to achieve? Is it an ego boost? And if so, what does that say about your own mental state? Is it not putting all your eggs in one basket? How manipulative can you get? Do you derive any pleasure just knowing you are making someone miserable?

 

What in heaven's sake are your motives?

 

A man can only string you along and make you miserable as long as you let him. Instead of being the 'victim' take responsibility for yourself and don't let men do that. It's up to you.

[Trimmer]

Why do men like to string women along ? What is your mindset when you employ such tactics? What do you hope to achieve? Is it an ego boost? And if so, what does that say about your own mental state? Is it not putting all your eggs in one basket? How manipulative can you get? Do you derive any pleasure just knowing you are making someone miserable?

 

What in heaven's sake are your motives?

 

It sounds like you believe the motives are conscious and intentional. While that may be one possibility, I would propose another one: I have a saying, "Don't assume evil intent until you have ruled out the possibility of simple ineptitude."

 

Having to speak in generalities, as your question is posed, I think it equally likely that any given man who is "stringing along" a woman might just be inept at relationship dynamics, as opposed to having an evil, conscious intention. A guy who lacks confidence, who is shy of commitment, etc. will fumble his way through a relationship, avoiding confrontation and honest dialog, in a way that may end up resulting in the woman feeling "strung along."

 

So my first question back to you - are you sure his intent it conscious, or could he just be inept?

 

I mean, why can't people just openly say what they want or feel? Especially when it concerns adults.

 

I just can't fathom somebody in their fifties playing these mind games.

 

Or some one falling for them , huh?

That does describe both sides of the equation, doesn't it? And while I'm not putting the responsibility back on you for his inability to deal honestly with the relationship, you need be "strung along" only as far as you allow it.

 

So if he is doing it out of conscious, wicked, "game-playing" intent, shouldn't that be a signal to get out of town while you still can, and not allow yourself to be strung along? Understanding why might be an interesting intellectual discussion, but do you really want to stick around anyway?

 

On the other hand, if it is happening out of his emotional immaturity and ineptitude - and you've given it your best shot to break through to no avail - well.... isn't that also a signal to get out of town?

[marlena]

Trimmer,

I simply loved your post... this is exactly what I was targeting at .. a holistic approach to the issue and not just cliche answers.

 

I also adored your quote and have added it my list of favourite quotes.

 

Yes, definitely, it can be a case of ineptitude. Not all people have cultivated the art of being in mature realtionships. Or perhaps as you so to the mark stated, they simply lack the aptitude.

 

For some it comes naturally. For others it never comes.

 

Your citing of an equation here is sound rational thinking.

 

Yes, I did give it my best shot. Ergo, one way or another - whether malicious intent or simple ineptitude - I must get on my horse and ride out of town.

 

Your post has helped me in the sense that it echoes my stubborn desire to always look at things spherically.

 

To the point of overanalysing at times!

 

Not good I know.

 

I liked your train of thought and will look up all your posts.

[marlena]

"A guy who lacks confidence, who is shy of commitment, etc. will fumble his way through a relationship, avoiding confrontation and honest dialog, in a way that may end up resulting in the woman feeling "strung along."

 

 

This is an on the button description of what I had to deal with. A man with ED, on meds, anxiety problems, two failed marriages, god knows how many failed relationships. Add to the mix low self -esteem and a sense of failure which he artfully tries to mask behind his good looks.

 

JUst a few days ago he said to me.

 

"Now you know everything about me! My ED, my hypetension, uric acid and cholesterol problems. You know my parents can't trust me or anyone for that matter. Time to move on to the next person until she too figures it out"! Can you believe this? Instead of thinking, she stuck by me through all this! Not that I was perfect! In moments of frustration I said hurtful things perhaps!

 

Two days later, when I openly confronted him, he said. I am at the beginning of a new realtionship but I don't know where it will go. None of this is irreversible.

 

Did he expect me to plead? Sickening!

 

This is his way of avoiding mature dialogue. Moving onto to his next unknowing victim!

 

Thanks for lending me yr ear.

 

 

 

 

By thw way, can you explain to me how this muti - quote thing works?

[tanbark813]

By thw way, can you explain to me how this muti - quote thing works?

 

There might be other ways to do it but the way I use it is:

 

1. Click on the litte " button next to the Quote button for all the posts you want to quote. Then..

2. Click on the Quote button for the final post you want to quote.

[marlena]

Sorry TB, I must be dense! What little button (no pun intended)! Still I laughed! Hope you did too!

Do you mean the button with the + that says muti -quote? Or the one in the end that says options - quote message in reply?

 

Love your smile in yr avatar!

[tanbark813]

Sorry TB, I must be dense! What little button (no pun intended)! Still I laughed! Hope you did too!

Do you mean the button with the + that says muti -quote? Or the one in the end that says options - quote message in reply?

 

Yeah, I meant the one with the + that says multi-quote. It's right next to the one that actually says Quote on the button.

 

Love your smile in yr avatar!

 

Thanks

[riobikini]

re:

 

Marlena: " Rio, just one short question. Is it so wrong to be needing "something" emotional? Is it not a basic human need?

 

 

I mean, why can't people just openly say what they want or feel? Especially when it concerns adults.

 

I just can't fathom somebody in their fifties playing these mind games.

 

Or some one falling for them , huh?"

 

Now, Marlena -you know that a short question *always* deserves a long answer when you're asking someone from the south -er, "South" ('scuse me to my fellow Southerners.)

 

(And -yep! -there's a grin on...)

 

To answer that question, tho' -the one about *why* -or *if* it's wrong to have emotional needs -why, there's nothing wrong with that, at all!

 

It's just that some poor wayward folks take their emotional needs too far over the edge -too far off the deep end- and wa-a-a-y the heck over yonder in what we call "left field".

 

(Smile)

 

And when *that* happens -well, it's time for a doctor, a wake-up call, a good douse of cold water (oh, no! -don't do it with the liquor -it's a *waste*!) - or even (just like in the movies) maybe, a good slap across the face to recenter their emotions and settle them back into their rightful place.

 

As for men (or anyone) who love to play hurtful games -well- it doesn't take even a teaspoon of genius to know *that's* wrong. And stupid on *their* behalf.

 

Trying to intervene and change a player, though, is simply too much trouble -and normally not worth it.

 

So why waste your time?

 

Go paint your nails, get your legs waxed, or treat yourself to something nice and pampered, instead -at least the effort, money and time you spend will be worth it for someone you have feelings for: you!

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[halfarock]

Back when I was in high school there was this girl who really, really liked me. The problem was that I liked her quite a bit, as a friend. Consequently we often hung out together, sometimes just us two, but more likely with our shared group of friends. Knowing how she felt about me, I tended to be extra nice to her, thinking that I was avoiding hurting her feelings. I always figured that eventually she would just lose interest, find someone else. But she didn’t. Every act of kindness, every bit of attention I gave her, she interpreted as a sign or something. Eventually it came to a head and I had to just flat out tell her that I wasn’t interested. She kept crying, “Then why did you string me along?”

[marlena]

Halfarock,

This man was not a fiend. He said he loved me.