learning2luv Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Well it was bound to happen, as it did in every other relationship Ive had. The difference...I wanted to be with this girl forever. I have been dating this girl for about two years. The last year has been a LDR (I know I know this isn't the topic area for LTR, but this isn't about being in a LTR) I have had two of the most wonderful years of my life with this women, and I feel it is all slipping out from me. I have this tendency in relationships to push someone away until it is too late. Then I want them back. Except this time, if I would have realized I was doing it, I would never had continued. We have had the healthiest relationship I have known. Loving, caring, communicating, nurturing, a few quibbles here and there, but overall, A++. She is smart, beautiful, inspiring, caring. She makes me a better person, I wouldn't be where I am today if not for her. Since she has moved 2000 miles away, she has asked me to move to her several times. Me being the idiot bloke I am, decided against it, feeling as if I were giving up more then her. Told her that she would have to move to be with me. Idiot. Now as things are reaching disaster levels, I have determined I do want to be in the Southwest, with her. I am attending graduate school and had originally looked at schooling in her state. But I was unable to get in. Recently (when our problems started) I found another school which offered the same program, with less rigorous standards. I was shocked. And saddened that I hadn't found it earlier. Should I just drop everything and leave? What if she doesn't want me? We spent time together just the other day, I surprised her by flying across the country to see it her. She was pleasantly surprised. We had a wonderful day discussing our future. It ended by her asking me to give her time (but we are still together) so she can sort all these things out. She is still my lady, and I am still her man, I am just trying to give her a bit more room to get her emotions in order. Am I crazy to think there is any chance for this to work? I am planning on being in the state she lives, because I really do like it there (oh and she is there). I feel like we have lost touch cause I am a moron and because of the distance. We were talking about our wedding a month or two ago and now this. I would do anything for this, the only woman of my dreams. Anything. Thanks for listening and any feedback or suggestions are appreciated. Sorry bout the long thread, my life is in disarray.
Author learning2luv Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 Well what I think you should do is...and then you want to...and if you finish with this, everything will be just dandy. Good luck
corazoncito Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Recently (when our problems started) I found another school which offered the same program, with less rigorous standards. I was shocked. And saddened that I hadn't found it earlier. Should I just drop everything and leave? What if she doesn't want me? If you really want to study at that school, and you really want to live in that state whether you are in a relationship with her or not, I would apply and see whether you are accepted. What have you got to lose (other than the $50 application fee )? But before moving out there, I'd talk to her about it. It's not clear to me from your post whether you are still together. Tell her what you've told us and see how she feels about the relationship and you relocating. Good luck!
Author learning2luv Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 Yeah, we are still together, we are committed to one another, but...i'm trying to remove any pressure from her by giving her time to think about how she feels about the relocation. Its gone from me being adamant about not moving, to excited about it, while she has slid the other way. Shes a kid from a divorce, who feels like if I am there, it will probably mean that we are for real (not a bad thing), and it kinda of scares her. She doesn't want to make her parents mistake. So I am trying to be understanding and patient while she soaks it all in. Im also tempted to go regardless because I love the state and I want to finally check out something new. I feel our relationship would revive itself if we were just able to be around each other. I want to do it. She has fears about whether I would actually follow through (doesn't want to get hopes up), after all this time saying no to the move, she wonders why I say yes now (because I am big dummie)
Woggle Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 She is eventually going to dump you for good so just move on.
Author learning2luv Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 I wouldn't waste my time if I didn't feel like there was an opportunity for us. Well, maybe I would, but, that isn't the case here.
I Love Twinkies Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Yeah, we are still together, we are committed to one another, but...i'm trying to remove any pressure from her by giving her time to think about how she feels about the relocation. Its gone from me being adamant about not moving, to excited about it, while she has slid the other way. Shes a kid from a divorce, who feels like if I am there, it will probably mean that we are for real (not a bad thing), and it kinda of scares her. She doesn't want to make her parents mistake. So I am trying to be understanding and patient while she soaks it all in. Im also tempted to go regardless because I love the state and I want to finally check out something new. I feel our relationship would revive itself if we were just able to be around each other. I want to do it. She has fears about whether I would actually follow through (doesn't want to get hopes up), after all this time saying no to the move, she wonders why I say yes now (because I am big dummie) The whole problem isn't that she was a child from divorce, it's that you rejected the idea of moving with her originally, and pretty much rejected her. She has a solid reason for feeling this way since you haven't been solid in your love toward her. It's very possible she has detached emotionally because she has moved on from the pain of learning you weren't really in love with her by rejecting her. Now you have decided you are, well, she is scared to death you'll move to where she is, and you'll dump her again. I would keep calling and reassuring her how much you love her. Send her flowers once a week. Buy an actual engagement ring. Time to take some risks if you really love her. Move there now.
corazoncito Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I think if you go into this accepting it's possible she won't want to continue the relationship, and you honestly would enjoy moving to that state and studying in that particular grad program whether you're with her or not, you're not doing anything dumb. Life takes us in unexpected directions sometimes. If you go into it with a positive attitude and open mind, there's a good chance something great will happen.
jcster Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I agree with I Love Twinkies - You're going to have to woo her back, and a demonstration of your commitment would be a good thing.
Author learning2luv Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 I am definitely willing to do whatever it takes, i.e. flowers, ring, etc, I just don't want to push her away, by overwhelming her. But if I thought it would be helpful. I just want to make it right with her. I never wanted the lives I had pictured for us to be destroyed by my foolishness.
corazoncito Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I agree you have to woo her, but I think that asking her to marry you at this point, or immediately upon arriving is not a good idea. This is my opinion and others may disagree, but I think of marriage as a very lovely and logical step for many couples who are in a committed, happy, healthy relationship and are sure they want to spend the rest of their live together. Marriage is an affirmation of lifelong commitment, love, and trust that already exist. It's not a tool to generate those feeling or to fix a troubled relationship, except in sappy Hollywood romantic comedies. I would be very uneasy about a getting a proposal from a long-distance BF who I'd been having problems with and who suddenly decided he wanted to marry me only after I moved away. I would want him to move to where I was, show initiative in putting down some roots there, AND prove his commitment day after day over a sustained period of time before I'd consider marrying him.
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