marlena Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 but I am still on the verge of an emotional and yes physical breakdown. All that has been happening in the seven months I've been seeing this person has taken it's toll. It had always been a rocky relationship a veritable roller coaster ride..Lies, impotence, lack of intimacy, anxiety problem (his not mine) suspicions and the list goes on and on. Still I fell for his smooth ways. A month and go after a month's break up we started seeing eachother again. Things were going better or so it seemed. He said he knew me better, felt more comfortable with me etc....Still a refusal to be intimacy. He attributed our woes to moving too fast right from the start. So, I said let's take it slower. All this time, I have been very supportive of his problems (two parents with a stroke, his own health problems and psychological issues). I would listen for hours and do mybest to make him feel better. Then about 15 days ago I noticed his behavior towards me had started to change. He turned cold. And then an sms came. Suspisious. He said it was someone he was seeing when we were apart. That she would stop bothering him if he ignored all her overtures. I was hurt and didn't believe him but I swallowed it just like so many other things. Then, yesterday, I called him up on his cell. He wouldn't answer. I knew his other private number and called him on that. I had never done that. I said, "what's going on?" He said "not now". He got angry and switched off the phone. To me it was obvious he was with someone. The next morning I confronted him with it and he admitted he was "in the beginning of a new relationship" but that "he didn't know where it was going" and that "nothing happened that cannot be reversed". I died a million deaths at that moment. "In a new relationship" I thought WTF???? The very same person three days earlier denied there existing another person and said yes of course we were still together! His actions spoke otherwise. Worse, he said, it's thw women who come all over me. What am I supposed to do?" As I type these very words, I feel the need to vomit again! I lost control and sent him a few sms giving him a piece of my mind. In fact, I want to give him another piece of mymind today!!! I want to tongue lash him to no end. And to plead with him to know why I was treated so badly. Not a good idea I know. Guys, help me!
trent25 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Almost the same thing happened to me but with a girl. Read my posts to see how lack of intimacy, her psychological problems, and now what I think was a guy she met all along, ruined our relationship. You are not alone. She came back to me in January and I thought things would be different. Told me lack of intimacy was because of me. But things were the same. I barely got a kiss. I stayed in it thinking she was depressed and would snap out of it. Please read to see if it relates to your situation. You are not alone, hang in there. Cut all contact.
Author marlena Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 Almost the same thing happened to me but with a girl. Read my posts to see how lack of intimacy, her psychological problems, and now what I think was a guy she met all along, ruined our relationship. You are not alone. She came back to me in January and I thought things would be different. Told me lack of intimacy was because of me. But things were the same. I barely got a kiss. I stayed in it thinking she was depressed and would snap out of it. Please read to see if it relates to your situation. You are not alone, hang in there. Cut all contact. Yes, I know I am not alone and neither are you of course as this forum so abundantly proves. But in those moments of panic and confusion and loneliness, we are ultimately alone. Yes, why is it that it is usually the decent and unselfish people get hurt? The anwser I suppose is that they are vulnerable - and predators pick up on this! I can't tell you how many people have told me I am an open book and easy prey to hunters! I thought over the years that I had hardened - obviously not!!! I wonder how many times a person has to hit rock bottom before he learns to protect himself! Our mistake was obviously staying in our relationships when all the cards were agianst us! Obviously, this doesn't help. About NC, honestly, I'm sick and tired of hearing about its benefits. I have always been a very spontaneous and passionate person with my emotions and so it is difficult for me to adhere to this tactic...or any for that matter. Trent, Have you cut all contact? Does that make you feel any better? As for myself, I would much rather rant and rave in his face than in LS. As I type, I want to call him up and call him every name in the book.
polywog Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 That's awful, marlena. What an arsehole he is. My thought is that you could say everything you want to to his face, except to ask why he did this to you. He did it because he's a selfish jerk, not because of anything you did, so you won't get any kind of anwer from him, and you don't need to humiliate yourself by asking. Then, after you do this, please just cut off all contact from this toxic guy. Don't beat yourself up for any of this, you just need to take care of yourself so you can heal and move on. It sucks, supremely sucks, that this is happening to you...big hugs, marlena, and keep posting here for strength.
Author marlena Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 Thanks Polywog, So happy about your new place. I can imagine how comfy and homey you will make it!!! I know you have been throu the gates of hell and are coming out -slowly but surely you are coming closer to the light at the end of the tunnel - I believe in you . You will make it. Hopefully so wil I? But honstly how many punches in the gut can a person take in a lifetime?
polywog Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 [quote=marlena;1214032 But honstly how many punches in the gut can a person take in a lifetime? I know.... I think about that sometimes and it scares me, because I've had my share of heartache with different relationships ending. With this last one, I truly thought I wouldn't have to go through it again, and it's hit me the worst of any of them. I'm not young anymore, I just don't know if I can stand to go through it again. Gawd, I don't mean to be gloomy, but that sentence of yours hit a chord!
Author marlena Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 I know.... I think about that sometimes and it scares me, because I've had my share of heartache with different relationships ending. With this last one, I truly thought I wouldn't have to go through it again, and it's hit me the worst of any of them. I'm not young anymore, I just don't know if I can stand to go through it again. Gawd, I don't mean to be gloomy, but that sentence of yours hit a chord! I hear you loud and clear! I too am not young anymore either. I so understand about your fearing to re - live the same nightmare all over again. How much can a poor soul take after all? With the passing years our bodies succumb and resilience to such drama dwindles. So my dear Polywog, What are we to do? Throw in the towel and turn our backs on love like so many other women have? Do we continue to hope and pray that the next time will be the real and lasting thing? Do we risk? Do we dare? Now I am sounding gloomy when I so wish I could cheer you up and bring a smile to your face!
polywog Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I hear you loud and clear! I too am not young anymore either. I so understand about your fearing to re - live the same nightmare all over again. How much can a poor soul take after all? With the passing years our bodies succumb and resilience to such drama dwindles. So my dear Polywog, What are we to do? Throw in the towel and turn our backs on love like so many other women have? Do we continue to hope and pray that the next time will be the real and lasting thing? Do we risk? Do we dare? Now I am sounding gloomy when I so wish I could cheer you up and bring a smile to your face! Well, thank god I had my therapy appointment today so I am somewhat braced, but even despite that- No Way could I ever Give Up! Or you, either... really, could you? I don't think so. At the very worst we can be like those rats in the famous experiment that kept on swimming in a barrel that they had no way to climb out of... til the poor things succumbed and died! How's that for a cheerful image? Anyway, I like being alone, but I am Made For Love. And I think you are, too. Otherwise we'd be nuns. Just, please god(ess), give me (and you, and anyone else out there) the insight not to get involved with those guys who can't really love. Meaning, maybe, just maybe, we have the radar now that we've been through our various romantic hells to find a kindred spirit who's ready for the real deal. Let me rephrase.... not maybe... surely we've got what it takes now, given all the lessons we've learned. Bring on the men....
LakesideDream Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 But honstly how many punches in the gut can a person take in a lifetime? From experiance I can tell you that you keep taking the punches at least until a major internal organ bursts. Us human beings have an almost infinite ability to absorb punishment. Buck up though. You are very young still and there is plenty of time for improvment.
Author marlena Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 But honstly how many punches in the gut can a person take in a lifetime? From experiance I can tell you that you keep taking the punches at least until a major internal organ bursts. Us human beings have an almost infinite ability to absorb punishment. Buck up though. You are very young still and there is plenty of time for improvment. Lakeside Dream, Thanks for the encouragement but alas I am not at all young! This is what makes it even more difficult to bear. I take personal affront to being treated this way especially by a man my own age. And I am so afraid that a major organ will burst - and I know it will be my heart. Sorry I sound so glum but this is just how I feel.
Quest Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 Hi. I would go along with the idea of no contact. It sounds as if this guy had a lot of 'issues' and the longer you hang around the longer his issues will start to become yours and your self esteem will drop. The impotence (if not due to a medical condition) is probably a cause and a symptom of other problems - commitment issues, selfishness and goodness knows what else. Do you really want to have to deal with all that? Why hang around and why even waste your breath telling him what you think of him? Write him a letter, rip it up, write another letter, rip that one up too. Keep doing that until you really don't care. Then go all out to meet someone who is worth your efforts. You've a better chance of doing that if your self esteem is good. And in the meantime, there are lots of other ways to give, aren't there? And lots of other people who need love.
passionpeach Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I went through that same drama 3 months ago. What I did was turn my back on my man no matter how hard it was and no matter how painful it felt. Apparently, he was so confused on who to choose between the other girl and I. There are some things that the girl can give her that I cannot and there are some attributes that I have that the other girl does not have. So I pushed him to choose. I even talked to the other girl about it. I found out that what my man was telling me were the exact same things that he was telling to that other girl too. Maybe that is to make us feel better and not hate him. I told him that the hurting had to stop so I left him. Eventually, after 2 months, the other girl called me saying that my man dumped her and that she knew that he really didn't love her. I felt sorry for the girl of course but I kept my emotions to myself. After 3 weeks, my guy showed up on my front door so sorry for what he did to me. He said that he was able to think clearly after I decided to walk away from him and that it was the time when he realized my worth. I am not saying that it will be the exact same thing that will happen to you. My point is that if you let him go, you will realize your worth. He may go back to you or stay with the other girl... we do not know. But one thing is for sure... you will know where you really stand in his life. Be brave. Love yourself. All these will pass.
Author marlena Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 Thanks Passion Peach, I'm sorry you had to go through this! It's degrading when they put you on a scale with someone else, isn't it? It's been eight days of NC and my god it's been like trying to climb Mt Everest with an elephant on your back! I get itchy fingers all the time but I say to myself - better cut yr fingers off than pick up that damn phone. Almost wish we didn't live in the age of easy communications! What did you do when he came back to you with his tail tucked between his legs?
Tirai Posted June 25, 2007 Posted June 25, 2007 Ladies, have been coming back to your thoughts whilst my own struggle. The fight you give has made you being the light carriers for me for some time now. I sincerely hope your fights get generously rewarded, and soon! I believe that we are not given more than we dare to ask for. You guys dare. Thank you being there and bringing it out!
Tirai Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 Wanted to get back to it. I feel both very sorry that u had to face and go through these things, but also encouraged. Because u climb the mount Everest. U do. It's hard, but u do. And what ever comes after it, u are this experience richer. Specially i live with you Marlena, cause my teacher of ”mysteries of life” is Greek. Dont blame yourselves, you are the ones with beautiful mind and pure heart. That is a treasure.
Author marlena Posted July 2, 2007 Author Posted July 2, 2007 .Specially i live with you Marlena, cause my teacher of ”mysteries of life” is Greek. Dont blame yourselves, you are the ones with beautiful mind and pure heart. That is a treasure. Tirai, Welcome to LS! You have found a place to seek solace and for the most part sound and well - meaning advice. I am not the only one climbing Mount Everest - just take a quick tour of LS - and you will discover the universalty of the human predicament - regardless of colour or creed! Yes, we all have mountains to climb - some higher some lower - some stronger , some weaker - but we all keep trekking along- no matter what. If we look hard - even when we are huffing and puffing away - we will see more fellow climbers around us doing the exact same thing - they are there to help us as we are there to help them. The reward is every step we take - every new experience that enrichens us and makes us know are ALIVE!!! I'm not exacly sure what you mean when you say that your teacher of "the mysteries of life" is Greek. But can anyone really understand the "mysteries of life" whether Greek or Pakistani or Australian? I gather you know a Greek person who has meant a lot to you! Your threads are very short and inconclusive - and so I can only have an inkling of what it is that is preoccupying your mind and spirit! Care to elaborate?
riobikini Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 Marlena, why in heaven's name are you still fooling with this sorry excuse for a man? He's said/done just about every lowdown thing to you that a human being can say/do -and *you let* him!! Where's your respect for yourself?? You keep going back and contacting him for some silly reason or another -mostly, (you say) to learn from him *why* he's treated you so rottenly. I think you keep going back to him simply because of your own obsessive/compulsive behavior and your tendency to not face/fix unresolved issues and problems that have always caused you heartache, headache, and kept your romantic life in emotional shambles. It's as if you are drawn to the melodrama of all this confused, emotional, sometimes bittersweet romantic nonsense that sweeps through your life just long enough to occupy space -and temporarily satisfy- your need for excitement (you tend to compare your affairs and relationships to your idea of a storybook romance -and they wind up, in the end, failing miserably for some of that very reason.) This guy you keep pining over is probably, in reality, neither so dashing, nor so special that he cannot be traded in for an upgrade to improve on the model. Think of him like this: The guy you're clinging to is a old rusted out Torino with a tempermental starter, a muffler that's falling off and this moldy smell penetrating the interior. Meanwhile, there's all kinds of other, much nicer rides available -so why do you keep wasting your time with this guy?? -Rio
Author marlena Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 Rio sweetie, Can't tell you how delighted I am to see your winning smile on my computer screen again . You are an amazingly intuitive (perhaps even psychic?) person. How did you know I was still contacting this sorry excuse for a human being? We talked a couple of times and each and every time he had me crying for hours afterwards! I don't know why I cling onto vestiges of hope for something that I know is so detrimental to me. I have to give myself some credit though! He wants to see me again and I declined. When he asked if he can call me again I asked him not to!! I am fighting this with "teeth and nails" as we say in my country! You're right! I am obsessing! I was doing quite well until communication (if indeed it can be called that) started again on a limited scale! And yes perhaps I am so used to the drama that I can't live without it. All my life has been like you so accurately pointed out storybook romance with an unhappy ending each and every time. You seem to "know" me! Yesterday when you posted had hit an all time low! I had just talked to this sorry excuse of a human being wanting to offer him some comfort after his father passed away last Friday! He texted me on the morning his father died and for three days i was feeling so sorry for me. Well, when we talked he showed absolutely no emotions at all! It was rather alarming! When my parents passed away I was devastated for two years! His lack of feeling is not surprising I can almost hear you say and *smile* right afterwards. Am I dealing with a sociopath? A narcissist? Yes, I probably am. He is most definitely emotionally *unstable* of that I am sure! They conversation soon turned into a battleground of hurled accusations on both parts! I was shaking all over when we hung up! You're right! The issues are mine and perhaps when the fog lifts I'll start trying to resolve them! Issue one: Why am I attracted to weirdos? Think of him like this: The guy you're clinging to is a old rusted out Torino with a tempermental starter, a muffler that's falling off and this moldy smell penetrating the interior. Great analogy! Yes, I do see him like this. It's amazing how much he has shown his true colours! He is nothing like what he pretended to be in the beginning! I can see that now! P.S. What muffler? He hasn't got one, remember? Big hugs Rio! P.S.S. Ever planning a trip to Greece?
riobikini Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 No plans for Greece, Marlena -and no psychic powers, either -but it's not the first time I've heard someone say that in connection with something I've stated. (Smile) It's just that things are so apparent, sometimes -it's written all over you (the fact you are still in contact with him, that is) -or should I say, written in your posts. It doesn't take Dr. Phil -or a wizard- to figure that you're still not letting go of this person. Little side bar: When I was a young girl, my grandfather used to teach me about all kinds of animals where I lived. He would point them out and tell me how each one got their food, how they lived, and what it took for them to survive and produce the next generation of like animals. There's this interesting insect in the tiny insect kingdom which goes out and finds refuse (pure excrement of other animals and humans, no less) and takes it's tiny insect claws and rolls it around into a perfectly shaped little ball and rolls it all the way back to it's home for winter storage for food. As disgusting as it sounds, this insect (a bug) lives off these little excrement balls and dedicates its life to gathering them up -great hoards of them- to survive the long winter. Sometimes, I liken the tendency of adult human beings to this little sh_itbug; they (all of us, at one time or another) live our lives obsessed with gathering up excrement -specifically seeking it out- rolling it around into little balls, and hauling it back home to the very place we live! We have a bigger brain, we were made for more important things to do with our lives -but Hail Mary!- we just act like these sh_tbugs! (Smile) I hope anyone reading this (of course, you, Marlena, are included) has one of *those* moments where something upstairs just clicks! and they realize how really petty, crude, and below their standard they are living with this analogy. All meant for good and in the best of spirit. (Smile) -Rio
riobikini Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 No plans for Greece, Marlena -and no psychic powers, either -but it's not the first time I've heard someone say that in connection with something I've stated. (Smile) It's just that things are so apparent, sometimes -it's written all over you (the fact you are still in contact with him, that is) -or should I say, written in your posts. It doesn't take Dr. Phil -or a wizard- to figure that you're still not letting go of this person. Little side bar: When I was a young girl, my grandfather used to teach me about all kinds of animals where I lived. He would point them out and tell me how each one got their food, how they lived, and what it took for them to survive and produce the next generation of like animals. There's this interesting insect in the tiny insect kingdom which goes out and finds refuse (pure excrement of other animals and humans, no less) and takes it's tiny insect claws and rolls it around into a perfectly shaped little ball and rolls it all the way back to it's home for winter storage for food. As disgusting as it sounds, this insect (a bug) lives off these little excrement balls and dedicates its life to gathering them up -great hoards of them- to survive the long winter. Sometimes, I liken the tendency of adult human beings to this little sh_itbug; they (all of us, at one time or another) live our lives obsessed with gathering up excrement -specifically seeking it out- rolling it around into little balls, and hauling it back home to the very place we live! We have a bigger brain, we were made for more important things to do with our lives -but Hail Mary!- sometimes, we just act like these sh_tbugs in regards to the worthless people we drag into our lives! (Smile) I hope anyone reading this (of course, you, Marlena, are included) has one of *those* moments where something upstairs just clicks! and they realize how really petty, crude, and below their standard they are living with this analogy. All meant for good and in the best of spirit. (Smile) -Rio
riobikini Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Sorry for the double post -pc is slow this morning and I clicked twice. On the other hand -maybe, it just needed to be posted twice! (Smile) -Rio
Tirai Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Hi, just felt distantly connected with the Greek story Anyways, am very confused at the moment, don't know what was and what wasn't real in this relationship. That i would so much need to know, and never will. So for not knowing left from right at the moment, dont think I'm able to put much sense into mys posts either. Hopefully will at some point. Shortly, fell in love. Got betrayed. He never admitted an yet I stood by him. I decided to. Reasoning, I don't care, will just have good time with him, we have this and that so great together. blablabla. So i dont consider myself anykind of victim, i made a decision, but I don't know how to dig out of me why the *** would i make such a decision to start living against what i really seek for. Being true and sharing deep connection with the person next to me. In many ways he was just something else, treated me ways i didn't know can happen in real world, but also I felt ...emptiness. Like there was no real emotions in this man, as if his laughter, lovetalk, anger everything was .. like learnt practises and serving his purposes. Not only with me, generally. Saw awesome places, got into moments that should have shaken the ground, was held and treated like something very precious (most of times). So he invested into this relationship a lot, he even said that, it was like he was practising a relationship? And i just felt empty and numb inside. The other side of the extreme behaviour was not so overwhelming (most of the times), but was there. He was trying to control me. Nice ways and not so nice ways. Blew up over nothing after my opinion and then came to say "baby, u shouldn't get so upset over something like that" When i had just been quiet waiting for him to cool off. Also he had great difficulties tolerating me expressing sorrow. These are just bits and pieces but at the end i feel that i have been playing a role in a play. Not living a real relationship. And very very confused at the moment. There, didn't mean to write much, but it just came Take care!
riobikini Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 re: Tirai: :... I don't care, will just have good time with him, we have this and that so great together. " T -sounds like there was no "good time" to be had with this fellow and you certainly, were never that great together, after all. Stick around in LS -read other posts (they can be healing) and chip in where you like. It's all gonna be O.K. for you. Just give it time. (Smile) -Rio
Author marlena Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 i didn't know can happen in real world, but also I felt ...emptiness. Like there was no real emotions in this man, as if his laughter, lovetalk, anger everything was .. like learnt practises and serving his purposes. How very odd! This is precisely how I felt with the man I was involved with! I constantly had the impresion that he was wearing a mask - especially when he smiled - even worse - his emotions or lack thereof seemed to be like you so well described it "rehearsed" or played out a million times over- and the acting was so bad you almost wanted to leave in the middle of the performance - wish I had sone so early on in the sick game he was trying to engage me in. Blew up over nothing after my opinion and then came to say "baby, u shouldn't get so upset over something like that" When i had just been quiet waiting for him to cool off. Also he had great difficulties tolerating me expressing sorrow. Sounds like we have been seeing the same man!! He too would blow his top over nothing - and then sulk and get on edge! Everytime I tried to express any feelings or talk about our R he'd get infuriated and withdraw his "affection" for me! A punishment of sorts! Sick, huh? In hindsight, I am inclined to think that this person or "persona" really had severe personality disorders -- from Bipolar to Narcissism and god only knows what else! On the flip side, though, they can be real charmers, can't they? Alarming to say the least! Have you ever thought this might be the case with your boyfriend as well? Of course I'm not sure if this is indeed the case or whether I am simply trying to build up enough "disgust" (hatred is too strong a word! Or is it?)in me so as to ensure I will stay away from him no matter what wiles he uses to suck me in! You only give bits and pieces of your story and as a result I am finding it difficult to develop a coherent picture of what it is that is causing you so much anguish! Care to clarify a tiny bit? You sound very confused. By the way, listen to Rio. She is astoundingly intuitive plus she has a smile that would put a smile on anybody's face - even the saddest of us all!!!
Recommended Posts