BonneKarma Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 So here it is: I think I may have met the best guy ever. What's the problem? Well, he's quite overweight and I can't figure out how I feel about that. A little about me: I'm rather attractive, in my early 30's and curvy in all the right ways. I've been divorced about 8 years now and have an 11 year old son. I have never had a problem finding dates, but I certainly haven't met the right guy either. Until now? Honestly, he and I have so much in common and seem to have common values, etc. He's so easy to talk to and very interesting and well read and all that. He's sweet too, but doesn't seem like a doormat. In fact he seems to be very confident and secure in himself. And although I have a rule of never introducing guys I date to my son, they have met already through a club we both participate in and they seem to really like eachother. My son struggles with his weight too. I've had other overweight men express their interest in me but I've always just remained friends with them. Not specifically because they of their weight, but because I didn't feel any attraction. Generally these guys had a more negative outlook on life and I'm definitely looking for optimism in a long-term relationship. I don't see this guy as purely a friend, I'm attracted to him because he's so great and because he has friendly eyes and a warm smile. I just get that 'I could kiss you' vibe when he's around. The excess weight is a bit of an issue for me though and when I really think about that I start to notice my feelings backing off. I'm sure many of you might just want to blast me and say that I'm shallow, and maybe I am (but isn't everyone to a certain degree?). I'm sure to a certain extent also I think about what other people will think, seeing me with this great (but big) guy. Rationally I know that any of my good friends or family would be thrilled to see me happy and with such a terrific man. Is there any decent way of bringing up the weight issue with him without hurting his pride and changing the way he feels about me? I would like to find out if he has any interest in working towards a healthier goal. I have never had expectations of perfection from a man I've dated, and could easily be happy with the 'few extra pounds' type. I just feel like if we start this now he may continue to gain weight and then I would no longer be attracted to him at all, like once the 'newness' of everything wears off. Any insight or advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
Star Gazer Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Honestly, how big are we talkin' about here? And proportionally speaking, how much bigger than YOU is he?
Lizzie60 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 the first time I had a date with my last ex.. I thought OMG... he's huge... I had seen him before but didn't notice how big he was. Anyway... I thought I would go on that first date and then not bother with him anymore since he was soooo not my 'type'... but I was really attracted to him... he was a gentleman, soo nice... I had a good time... I saw him again and it was better and we fell head over heels for each other... I never thought I could fall in love with a big guy (overweight).. but I did... We lived 5 years together... He was intelligent, a very successful businessman, even at 32. He had a big company, a large crew... a great work ethic... nice personality, he was everything a woman could wish for. To be honest, his weight never bothered me that much, but he eventually tried to lose weight because of health issue. I was scared he would have a stroke or something so I would scare the ***** out of him...LOL After I left him... he got involved with a younger woman... I was 12 years older than him... they are now very happy ... he has gained a lot of weight since... I am concerned for his health though... I don't know what to tell you... I have never been attracted to overweight people after him... they're not my 'physical type'.. but if I were you I would bring the health issue, see how he responds to that. But if he's a pearl... keep him. LOL
halfarock Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I don’t think that you are being shallow, but then I would never date an overweight woman. The thing though is that people tend to gain weight over time. If you don’t say anything and continue in a relationship with him, he is just going to gain more weight. If it is an issue for you now what will happen down the road when you stop being attracted to him because of his weight? If you want to continue with him you have to say something. Rather than presenting it as an attraction issue perhaps you can bring it up as a concern for his health. But don’t expect to change him. Either he’ll want to lose weight, for you and himself, or you’ll just have to live with it.
Author BonneKarma Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 Thanks for the responses, guys. Star_Gazer - Well, I'm so bad at guessing weights but I'd have to say he's at least 250 and about 5'10" or 11". Maybe more, I dunno. I'm 5'4" and 138lbs. Lizzie - thanks, that's a good story. It's true, if we were to be involved I'd worry about his health for sure. halfarock - you make some good points. I am concerned that he'll continue to gain weight as he gets older and that I wouldn't be able to handle that. Also, that's a good idea of how to approach the discussion. An update though... we just went out for dinner and a movie (and by the way he opted for water instead of pop, which I took as a good sign). When he drops me off at my house he asks if I have a minute to talk and tells me that as of Monday he's moving for 4 months because of work. He just found out today. He'll be home every second weekend, which will coincide with the weekends my son is at his Dad's house and said he hoped we could still see eachother. I was kind of in shock, and told him so and that he didn't need to apologize. I gave him a quick kiss and let him know we'd talk soon. I'm kinda confused. On one hand I think it's kind of good because I have a habit of rushing into things, this will give the opportunity for us to get to know eachother better and probably talk a lot. On the other hand, I kinda picked up on a few personality traits tonight that I hadn't before... so I found myself kind of doubting whether he really was the guy for me. It's also possible that he was very nervous being our first 'real' date and the fact that he had some big news to spring on me.
Star Gazer Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 BK, as cliched as it sounds, I think you just gotta follow your heart here. I've made some really lame choices when it comes to guys...I've learned my lesson: the good ones are few and far between, and really should be held on to until you KNOW they're not "the one." Take it slow, and give it a REAL chance. You say you're attracted to him, and have that whole, "I could just kiss you right now!" feeling, so it's not that you're like "eh" towards him, right? Does he make you laugh? Does he "get" you? I think that's more important than anything, really. I found it odd that you seem to having a hard time figuring out how you feel about this guy's weight. Seeing as you ARE attracted to him and think he's the "best guy ever," are you sure you're not preoccupied with what OTHER people think? If so, you gotta change your way of thinking. YOU are the one who's going to be rolling over in the morning to see his smiling eyes... What were the little quirks/habits you noticed that you didn't like? Also, I don't agree with halfrock re: gaining weight over time. I don't think that's necessarily true. I know that (generally) when I get in a relationship, somehow I shrink...probably because I tend to eat more when I'm single (either bored, or out to way too many happy hours/mixers with girlfriends...but I digress). My friend Eric also recently lost a ton of weight when he felt his GF slipping away from him due to a lperceived ack of attraction (amongst other things) - and it worked. People can and do lose weight when motivated, and keep it off. Don't assume your wonderful guy can't...but don't assume he will either. Ya gotta take him as is.
Starry-eyed Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 BonneKarma, I married a man who was obese. I sure never thought I'd date someone significantly overweight, let alone marry him, but I did. It was not his looks that attracted me, it was his other qualities: very funny, kind, giving, easy to be around, and stuff like that. We are now getting divorced, though, and his weight does have a little to do with it. There were many issues, but the biggest was probably lack of sexual attraction to him, and his weight became a real turn-off over the years. There are of course many health and lifestyle issues with obesity that you may or may not want to accept: wearing out furniture, hard to buy clothes for, bigger appetite, limited physical agility, joint and bone problems, loud snoring, prejudice from other people. I don't mean to sound negative, those are just some thing I experienced that I didn't think about before. Some large people also do not fit quite right on toilet seats, or in theater seats, or airplane seats, which can get annoying. I'd probably wonder what the reason is for his weight. Is he using it as emotional protection, like a buffer? Does he overeat out of some emotional reaction? Thyroid problem? Other? Personally, I don't think I'll get involved with another person who is overweight, but that is just me. I did it once and we had a lot of good times and he's got so many great qualities. But I'm really into physical attraction and lust right now! Looks do fade. You'll probably just have to see how you feel as things go along. Of course, that'll be harder now that you won't see him so much. Sorry if that wasn't really helpful, just giving some thoughts.
Author BonneKarma Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 Star_Gazer - you're right, I do think a littlle bit about what other people might think although I know I shouldn't. Really though that didn't even cross my mind tonight when we were out. I think it's that I'm attracted to him but not his bulging waistline... when we're talking and connecting I feel very drawn to him physically as well. And as I said, his face if very appealing. How would I feel seeing him walk around the house in his boxers though, I'm not sure. I don't want to take the shallow route on this one though, really, because I'm at a point in my life where I know what I'm looking for and that's more important to me than just a hot bod. I'm not going to rush any decisions, I'm sure things will become clear with time. Hearing from others always helps me though. Personality traits - well he seemed to brag a little tonight, which I found unlike him. He could just be trying to impress me and be a little unsure of how to do it, but I don't go for pompous. Starry-eyed - thanks for your story, it does help by providing insight and background. You gave me some food for thought, no pun intended. Why is he overweight? I don't know... he loves food though and is a great cook. I'd like to find out the reasons.
Author BonneKarma Posted June 7, 2007 Author Posted June 7, 2007 Just an update - in the last few conversations we've had (yes we pretty much messaged throughout the day and then talked on the phone tonight) he's been making references to starting to ride his bike to work, etc. He also mentioned starting to go the gym with his brother while in Toronto for 4 months. Maybe just having a romantic interest made him look in the mirror and think that perhaps he's let himself go a bit. He's invited me over to his tomorrow night so that he can cook for me... it'll be our last chance to see eachother before he goes, and you know what? I'm excited!
dropdeadlegs Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I've never really dated anyone seriously overweight. A bit flabby in the belly area, but not obese. They usually got flabbier while we were together, as did I! Going for a man based on physical attraction hasn't worked out well for me. The ones I was much more comfortable standing next to and introducing based on their appearances weren't good matches for me in the long run. Still, I understand feeling uncomfortable about introducing someone as my boyfriend thinking that people are wondering what I could physically see in a man who isn't as physically attractive. Get to know him better and see how it pans out since you do see good "match" qualities in him. If the bragging continues, that would be a turnoff to me as well, but he may be trying to compensate for his weight without realizing that a braggart isn't your type. My current BF wasn't my physical type at all, but I liked his personality, the way he carried himself, and the fact that he always seemed so normal and genuinely happy. Those traits won my heart very quickly upon getting to know him better over the course of a few weeks of real dating. Now I think he is absolutely hot and can't get enough of that redheaded, freckled man! Something tells me that 4 months in Toronto will ultimately bring back a thinner man. Seeing him every other week might even make any weight loss noticeable to you each time!
Recommended Posts