Can't make myself give up.

[gfheart]

I guess I am looking for good advice. Been having realtionship problems for two years. Got divorced in January. Every time I try to move on, I can't get past the fact that I am still in love with my ex and I truly believe she is still in love too, but afraid to admit it. I would have given up a long time ago, if everytime I try to move on, she didn't say something to make me feel like we still had a chance. Anytime we go out to have a few drinks, she will loosen up and start crying and telling me how all of this is my fault and that she still loves me too. She accused me of having an affair, which never happened. I started talking to other people, when I started feeling like I didn't feel like she showed me that I was as important to her as I always tried to show her she was. She is the type of person that has to try to help anyone in her family with anything they expect of her, regaurdless of the financial or emotional consequences to the marriage. She says that if you love someone, you will find a way to give them what they want. One of our counselors told me that she was taught that way by her mom. I learned to provide her with as much of that as I could, because I thought that should make her love me even more. It got to the point that I couldn't afford everything she expected, without putting a hardship on our finances, and I think we could have survived that, but when her mother became divorced, she felt so devoted to her mother's financial and emotional survival, that our quality time as a couple really suffered. That's when I started trying to find someone to tell me what to do to change it, and began making friends in the process, but none of them were ever more than just emotional supports for me to try and feel like I had been a good and supportive husband to her. To make a long story shorter, I realized that her having a good heart and wanting to make other people feel like they could count on her didn't make her a bad person and she did give me some of that same kind of caring sometimes. After the divorce, I thought that if I had the financial stress off of me and actually find someone who could appreciate me for the things I felt and did for them, it would be easy to move on. Sorry I was wrong, because I came to realize that no matter how hard it was to keep her satisfied with support of her needs, I loved her in spite of it and maybe because of her willingness to please also spilled over on me some without me realizing it. Anyway, like I said, I constantly tell her that I love her and since we divorced, she is about to lose everything we built together in 17 years of marriage. I think what she expects is for me to continue to help her anytime she needs it, to show her I love her, but when I do and she doesn't react the way I expect, I start feeling like I'm being used and them I stop. She says that confuses her because I don't continue to help her and if I really cared I would never stop. I only stop because I start feeling that if I'm not making her see that she is important to me, I'm wasting my time and I need some kind of positive reaction from her to make me want to continue. I feel like I have smothered her with text messages and e-mails telling her how I feel and she runs to me everytime she is depressed or needs help. Like I said, it's just little things that keep me from giving up. A good example is the other night, we went out to eat and had a few drinks. When we got home, she invited me to stay. I was going to sleep with my son and she came and got me and took me into our bedroom and we talked and layed there and hugged all night. She told me it felt good and she loved me too. The next day she went back to acting like she feels nothing. I asked her what she's afraid of and all she can say is that she has already hurt everybody with her rebellious behavior and it could never work. I have really run out of things to tell her and ways to show her that all it takes is to forget the past and move on and she says she can't forget the past. I have gotten on some websites and gotten advice from other people and nothing seems to work. I don't know if I should back off or just keep letting her know what I feel. I think it's other peoples advice that got us to this point to start with and now I am doing what I feel. I know I love her and nobody can replace her in my heart and I know I can start again and make it better that it ever was, and I know she loves me too, but I just don't know how to get her to let her wall down, forget, forgive and move on. She won't talk about it, and whatever I tell her just seems to bounce off. She has nothing financially without me and she is about to lose our house, her car and can't pay her bills and that still doesn't make her see that all of that she had before was what I was dong for her to show her I loved her and she felt that if I loved her enough I would have showed her more, and that I didn't do everything she asked because I didn't want to and I tell her I didn't do a lot of things so that we would not be in the position she is now.

[nittygritty]

I'm sorry your struggling with what to do.

 

Am I correct to assume that you have clearly stated verbally to your ex wife that you want to get back together? If you have said "I want to get back together" and your ex is saying "I'm not sure about that but I need your help financially" than I would be very cautious about reuniting before the previous relationship problems are resolved.

 

If your ex can't financially afford to keep the house without your help than maybe the house needs to be sold? Would you be willing to help her do that if she agreed to repay you at closing?

 

How old is your son and is your ex able to work?

 

17 years of marriage is a long time and I think that your right to do everything you can to save your relationship. I would recommend that you schedule a meeting with your ex and talk about all of the issues that you are concerned with. The two of you are going to have to figure out how to proceed. Saving the marriage and resolving the financial problems that are a result of the divorce are two separate issues. You don't want her to come back because she can't afford not too.

 

Take Care

[gfheart]

My son is 12 years old. I left out a lot of stuff to try and keep it short and it still got long. I have 6 children all together ranges from 30 to 12 years old. We were sort of like the Brady Bunch, I have two girls from my first marriage, she had two boys when I met her and we had a boy,12 and a girl 17 together. I basically raised her two boys that were 18 months and 7 when we married. The only way she will talk and be honest is when we go out and have a few drinks. Then she cries a lot and tells me she loves me, but she says she doesn't believe I love her like I should and that I just don't like to lose. She says she's scared that it could never work because we have had too many bad feelings between us during this trying time and I agree that both of us have said things we didn't really mean, that hurt, but I am one to put that in the past and move on, and she just can't seem to understand that you can force yourself to hang on to bad feelings and they will continue to make you unhappy, or you can take the good feelings that you have also built and use them to create new happiness. If I remembered everything I was unhappy about and didn't weigh out the things that made me love her in the first place, and also made me happy, I could make myself feel the same way she is feeling. Maybe that's just the way I am and I am wrong to expect everyone else to be able to do that. Just seems like she only remembers the negative things and won't let herself think about the happy times. It's like she's forcing herself to keep from letting anything I do for her make her feel good. She sometimes tells me that when you do something for someone to show them that you care, it is wrong for you to expect something back, you should do it because you want to, with no expectations. I admit I do remind her sometimes of what I do for her, but that's only because she makes me feel that I don't do things for her that should make her feel good. You would have to live it to know the whole story of why I feel like I know what she feels. She calls me crying a lot, and tells me I'm the only one she can talk to or turn to, and the only one that will help her and yet when it comes to talking about us, she puts up a stone wall. Thanks for your reply. It's just good to get things of your chest, and know somebody is listening.