Interesting read about adultery

[Ruby Tuesday]

People who break their vows have little or no respect for marriage, life, family or otherwise. Meaning, if the exwife had such little respect for you to tell you the truth, even after decades of marriage, then what could she possibly have to offer the OM that she didn't learn by being with you?

 

To me, their so called 'happiness' is shallow and contrived. It only sets the bar for future infidelity, KWIM? I don't think that their 'happiness' defines itself as an ever after. That story is ...to be continued... because the WS never learned their lessons in life. If anything, she just learned she could get away with her deceptions and now she has the OM she can practice them on. Anybody with half a brain can see where that road will lead her.

 

In the end, it wont be you who gets hurt again. Not by her anyway. She will only hurt herself and she'll just bring down any man foolish enough to be with her when she does.

 

The story of your life has a new chapter and whatever you put in that book is up to you, and I bet you will write your own happy ending! Muah!

[Trimmer]

Well, I was thinking about saving my 1000th post to resurrect the "poop" thread, but this just seems more like honest living.

 

Just so you can apply the proper labels, I'm a former BS, separated pending certain divorce, and have never cheated on nor been an OM to anyone. But I, too, have mixed emotions about the posted article.

 

I understand the emotions portrayed in the article, and felt a lot of them myself - emotional death, rage at my spouse for all that she betrayed and discarded, including irrevocably changing the future of our children and their family. I remember spending one sleepless night feeling like her OM was going to come walking down the hallway to the guest room where I slept, and that I would hear the slide on a 9mm pistol clicking back a few seconds before he put a slug through my head. Now, intellectually, I knew - KNEW - this wasn't going to happen; I don't even know if the guy has a gun, he's not that type, and there was no reason whatsoever to believe that he even had any negative feelings toward me, let alone violence... Objectively it was foolish; I knew it was a hallucination. But it was a night of hell, and in my feverish, dramatic vision, they were all out to get me, and it was a 9mm, and he wouldn't have wanted to chamber the round until he was nearby, so I would hear the slide hit home before.....

 

So don't get me wrong; I know the depths.

 

Oddly, having said that, I share some of Herzen's feelings that the posted article is a little overblown. As a cautionary tale, yes, certainly - and that being the context in which WWIU posted it, I respect. And as a description of the swirl and immediate aftermath of loss and divorce, yes. Using my own experience above as an example, I think you can't overstate the twisted, distorted, irrational emotions and feelings of that time.

 

But I do feel like it is a bit hyperbolic, and not that I deny anyone else their own resonance with the author's feelings, it's just that I have to say, he doesn't speak for me...

 

"...emotional murder. The snuffing out of a life..." I was injured, and badly, and even wondered if literal death would have been preferable, but in the long run, it was an injury from which I worked to heal. And in some ways, it became an "emotional birth" - not that I would have chosen that path myself, or that I give thanks for my wife's infidelity, but in the big picture of my life, I was not murdered.

 

"condemn an innocent person to a lifetime of loneliness and disappointment..." I refuse to be condemned, and isn't it a little paternalistic to assume that a betrayed wife (as the article was originally written) is condemned to an entire lifetime of loneliness and disappointment with the loss of a husband to infidelity? Doesn't say much for the strength, individuality, or power to heal of the BS, does it? There, there little girl, now that your man is gone, your life is ruined...

 

"No Christmases and family reunions and weddings and graduations, no family nights around the dinner table or the TV, it’s all just shattered and broken." Really, Christmas is cancelled from here out? No weddings? No graduations? Virtually nothing to look forward to.

 

And so on.

 

Look, again, I'm not claiming that the sentiments are wrong, or that the author's motivation is misplaced. Sermons are intentionally filled with hellfire and brimstone to grab and hold the parishoners' attention, and to shock them into opening up to the message. I get that.

 

But for me, in spite of the label I copped to above, I don't define my life in terms of being a "BS" any more. I wasn't emotionally murdered - injured, yes, but eventually reborn. My kids' family is different - "broken", yes, if you must, and i recognize that they have suffered a loss that will persist in their lives - but they still have a family and have no question that their parents both love and support them. We're still going to have Christmas, birthdays, school functions, graduations and weddings, quite often with both of their loving parents there for them.

 

Look it's a fine line - I wouldn't deny anyone else their grief or feelings. But I can't stand up and say this author speaks for me. For a while it was comforting to wrap myself up in it, but I guess I just refuse to be the victim any more. (I'll admit, I've benefitted greatly from opening myself up to well over a year of counseling to get to this point...)

 

And I don't say any of this as a way of excusing, justifying, or mitigating my or anyone else's repulsion at the betrayal of infidelity. I continue to remain a vigorously staunch opponent of the practice! ...and a strong supporter of those injured by it, in all its forms, and in all their grief.

 

I don't expect my feelings about this article to be particularly popular, but like I said, it was either the poop thread or this, and I went with my heart...

[Trimmer]

The story of your life has a new chapter and whatever you put in that book is up to you, and I bet you will write your own happy ending!

And as often happens, someone sums up in one sentence what it takes me a hundred to clumsily get around to...

[whichwayisup]

I don't expect my feelings about this article to be particularly popular, but like I said, it was either the poop thread or this, and I went with my heart...

 

Go ressurect that poop thread anyway! hehehe...

[Trimmer]

Go ressurect that poop thread anyway! hehehe...

I'm always ready to discuss that subject...

[Ruby Tuesday]

Dang I thought this was the poop thread. N/M

[Herzen]

Well, I was thinking about saving my 1000th post to resurrect the "poop" thread, but this just seems more like honest living.

 

Just so you can apply the proper labels, I'm a former BS, separated pending certain divorce, and have never cheated on nor been an OM to anyone. But I, too, have mixed emotions about the posted article.

 

I understand the emotions portrayed in the article, and felt a lot of them myself - emotional death, rage at my spouse for all that she betrayed and discarded, including irrevocably changing the future of our children and their family. I remember spending one sleepless night feeling like her OM was going to come walking down the hallway to the guest room where I slept, and that I would hear the slide on a 9mm pistol clicking back a few seconds before he put a slug through my head. Now, intellectually, I knew - KNEW - this wasn't going to happen; I don't even know if the guy has a gun, he's not that type, and there was no reason whatsoever to believe that he even had any negative feelings toward me, let alone violence... Objectively it was foolish; I knew it was a hallucination. But it was a night of hell, and in my feverish, dramatic vision, they were all out to get me, and it was a 9mm, and he wouldn't have wanted to chamber the round until he was nearby, so I would hear the slide hit home before.....

 

So don't get me wrong; I know the depths.

 

Oddly, having said that, I share some of Herzen's feelings that the posted article is a little overblown. As a cautionary tale, yes, certainly - and that being the context in which WWIU posted it, I respect. And as a description of the swirl and immediate aftermath of loss and divorce, yes. Using my own experience above as an example, I think you can't overstate the twisted, distorted, irrational emotions and feelings of that time.

 

But I do feel like it is a bit hyperbolic, and not that I deny anyone else their own resonance with the author's feelings, it's just that I have to say, he doesn't speak for me...

 

"...emotional murder. The snuffing out of a life..." I was injured, and badly, and even wondered if literal death would have been preferable, but in the long run, it was an injury from which I worked to heal. And in some ways, it became an "emotional birth" - not that I would have chosen that path myself, or that I give thanks for my wife's infidelity, but in the big picture of my life, I was not murdered.

 

"condemn an innocent person to a lifetime of loneliness and disappointment..." I refuse to be condemned, and isn't it a little paternalistic to assume that a betrayed wife (as the article was originally written) is condemned to an entire lifetime of loneliness and disappointment with the loss of a husband to infidelity? Doesn't say much for the strength, individuality, or power to heal of the BS, does it? There, there little girl, now that your man is gone, your life is ruined...

 

"No Christmases and family reunions and weddings and graduations, no family nights around the dinner table or the TV, it’s all just shattered and broken." Really, Christmas is cancelled from here out? No weddings? No graduations? Virtually nothing to look forward to.

 

And so on.

 

Look, again, I'm not claiming that the sentiments are wrong, or that the author's motivation is misplaced. Sermons are intentionally filled with hellfire and brimstone to grab and hold the parishoners' attention, and to shock them into opening up to the message. I get that.

 

But for me, in spite of the label I copped to above, I don't define my life in terms of being a "BS" any more. I wasn't emotionally murdered - injured, yes, but eventually reborn. My kids' family is different - "broken", yes, if you must, and i recognize that they have suffered a loss that will persist in their lives - but they still have a family and have no question that their parents both love and support them. We're still going to have Christmas, birthdays, school functions, graduations and weddings, quite often with both of their loving parents there for them.

 

Look it's a fine line - I wouldn't deny anyone else their grief or feelings. But I can't stand up and say this author speaks for me. For a while it was comforting to wrap myself up in it, but I guess I just refuse to be the victim any more. (I'll admit, I've benefitted greatly from opening myself up to well over a year of counseling to get to this point...)

 

And I don't say any of this as a way of excusing, justifying, or mitigating my or anyone else's repulsion at the betrayal of infidelity. I continue to remain a vigorously staunch opponent of the practice! ...and a strong supporter of those injured by it, in all its forms, and in all their grief.

 

I don't expect my feelings about this article to be particularly popular, but like I said, it was either the poop thread or this, and I went with my heart...

 

You said it a million times better than I did, Trimmer. Beautifully written, my man. Poetry.

Kudos to you.

[Darth Vader]

That's so true, and very moving! Especially about how much it affects the whole family, even the children!

[smartgirl]

Herzen - I know that Anatomy article you are referring to. I posted it on the Cheating thread for Networkingman. It was dead on to my H's situation with his OW. And I guess the part about us as well.

 

The flippant tone tends to put people off, but as a cautionary tale it should send chills up the spine of any man thinking of cheating. Sadly, most people don't think all those bad things will happen to them. Those of us on this forum know all too well how badly it all will turn out. And how crippling the hurt can be.

 

I used to be a happy and upbeat person. Now I feel like I carry this thing around with me like a chain.

[Darth Vader]

Remember, this is for both men and women alike, as well as the effects on the children.

[travellingman]

This is a perspective from a BS

 

Generally speaking, even if you showed this statement to a WS/FWS, I don't believe a WS/FWS or even an OW/MOW The WS/FWS always blame the BS.

 

Forgot how many acronyms people use on this site.

[serial muse]

Look it's a fine line - I wouldn't deny anyone else their grief or feelings. But I can't stand up and say this author speaks for me. For a while it was comforting to wrap myself up in it, but I guess I just refuse to be the victim any more. (I'll admit, I've benefitted greatly from opening myself up to well over a year of counseling to get to this point...)

 

And I don't say any of this as a way of excusing, justifying, or mitigating my or anyone else's repulsion at the betrayal of infidelity. I continue to remain a vigorously staunch opponent of the practice! ...and a strong supporter of those injured by it, in all its forms, and in all their grief.

 

 

Trimmer, I loved this post, especially the part quoted above, because it also defines where I am in the grieving/renewal process.

 

I did empathize with the author of the story, particularly with the obvious rawness of it - the pain in the writing feels very, very fresh, and I think a lot of overwrought writing can be excused (okay, up to a point) for that reason. (You should see my journals from a few years ago, for example. )

 

Anyway, I remember that pain only too well, and this piece did evoke that memory for me - so in that sense, I found it effective. If MM/MW and OW/OM do read this, then they should know that this piece does define a snapshot of pain - the pain that most BS feel, I'd imagine, is as acute as it is expressed here, and for many it lingers for a long, long time. So I wouldn't want anyone to dismiss this piece even though it is a bit overblown in language and style; in its way, it is an accurate representation of what the immediate emotion and hurt linked to the discovery of deep betrayal feel like - there is certainly truth in there.

 

But I'm happy to say that, several years later, I can read something like this and recognize that remembering the old pain no longer brings fresh, new waves of hurt along with it. Instead, it has become just that - largely memory. I have not forgotten, and perhaps I never will. But I did not die, and I have mostly moved on. There are lingering tendrils of problems, some of which may never go away. Trust, anxiety, even depression - I still struggle with those. Some of the loss is still there.

 

But as Trimmer said, I don't want to be a victim anymore. It has taken me a long time to get here, too, and letting go of those memories of pain is the final step away from victimhood.

 

Of course, it's a huge step. Which is why I'm still staring at the ground, gauging the terrain, testing the wind and gearing up to take it.

[RecordProducer]

This is a very accurate description, period! I'm glad someone was able to express exactly how I feel.

 

Excellent, accurate and sad. It reflects my soul's pain.

Are you two the cheaters or the victims?

 

I think different people cheat for different reasons. Nothing will convince me that all cheaters are just selfish liars looking for adventure, while the betrayed spouses are complete victims. In many cases people have become strangers and stay together merely out of convenience. They crave romance, love, passion, sweet companionship, and often sex.

 

The human mind and body is shaped to strive to get the best out of life. People compromise for years, try to be good boys and girls, but one mornign they wake up and realize that their marriages are not good. Both spouses know it, but one of them may think that not good is good enough, while the other one is more romantically ambitious.

 

And then the less moral people will start cheating with no scrupules, while those with better hearts will stay unhappily married, sacrificing their happiness for the sake of the children. Some will divorce and get out of the marriage clean, but still hurting their spouse and the children.

 

Sometimes I think that cheating is the worst sacrifice for some people. They are condemned to live with someone they don't truly love, to hide their lovers, and live double lives.

[Herzen]

Are you two the cheaters or the victims?

 

I think different people cheat for different reasons. Nothing will convince me that all cheaters are just selfish liars looking for adventure, while the betrayed spouses are complete victims. In many cases people have become strangers and stay together merely out of convenience. They crave romance, love, passion, sweet companionship, and often sex.

 

The human mind and body is shaped to strive to get the best out of life. People compromise for years, try to be good boys and girls, but one mornign they wake up and realize that their marriages are not good. Both spouses know it, but one of them may think that not good is good enough, while the other one is more romantically ambitious.

 

And then the less moral people will start cheating with no scrupules, while those with better hearts will stay unhappily married, sacrificing their happiness for the sake of the children. Some will divorce and get out of the marriage clean, but still hurting their spouse and the children.

 

Sometimes I think that cheating is the worst sacrifice for some people. They are condemned to live with someone they don't truly love, to hide their lovers, and live double lives.

 

RP, thank-you.

[mrmaximum]

I would personally like to see that article that you speak of, seeing things from both sides is always a benefit, yeah?

 

WWIU, just wanted to let you know, shared this article on another forum and it helped a regular poster in the very difficult time that she and her family is presently going through. I can't take credit for that so I pass it along to you, good stuff and thank you.

[bullhunter]

Are you two the cheaters or the victims?

 

I think different people cheat for different reasons. Nothing will convince me that all cheaters are just selfish liars looking for adventure, while the betrayed spouses are complete victims. In many cases people have become strangers and stay together merely out of convenience. They crave romance, love, passion, sweet companionship, and often sex.

 

The human mind and body is shaped to strive to get the best out of life. People compromise for years, try to be good boys and girls, but one mornign they wake up and realize that their marriages are not good. Both spouses know it, but one of them may think that not good is good enough, while the other one is more romantically ambitious.

 

And then the less moral people will start cheating with no scrupules, while those with better hearts will stay unhappily married, sacrificing their happiness for the sake of the children. Some will divorce and get out of the marriage clean, but still hurting their spouse and the children.

 

Sometimes I think that cheating is the worst sacrifice for some people. They are condemned to live with someone they don't truly love, to hide their lovers, and live double lives.

 

I was a cheater. And your post does not fit me AT ALL. I truly did and do love my wife. We were having problems. I was unbelievably angry with her, but it wasn't until after the A when we actually started talking about what was going on, that I realized and accepted that I was the cause of my own problems.

 

I never set out to cheat, and many men I know would not call what I did cheating. Dishonest, yes. Cheating, no, as we never had sex. But from my wife's point of view, and now my own point of view, I did cheat. I cheated my wife of my honesty, my attention, my time. I wrote another woman of love and gave her the words that my wife both needed and deserved.

 

The writing that WWIU posted hit home to me, because of what I have lost of myself. I dearly hope the post would not resonate with my wife.

 

(and yes, the writing was over the top, but sometimes over the top writing is what does drive home a point.)

[Trialbyfire]

Are you two the cheaters or the victims?

 

I think different people cheat for different reasons. Nothing will convince me that all cheaters are just selfish liars looking for adventure, while the betrayed spouses are complete victims. In many cases people have become strangers and stay together merely out of convenience. They crave romance, love, passion, sweet companionship, and often sex.

 

The human mind and body is shaped to strive to get the best out of life. People compromise for years, try to be good boys and girls, but one mornign they wake up and realize that their marriages are not good. Both spouses know it, but one of them may think that not good is good enough, while the other one is more romantically ambitious.

 

And then the less moral people will start cheating with no scrupules, while those with better hearts will stay unhappily married, sacrificing their happiness for the sake of the children. Some will divorce and get out of the marriage clean, but still hurting their spouse and the children.

 

Sometimes I think that cheating is the worst sacrifice for some people. They are condemned to live with someone they don't truly love, to hide their lovers, and live double lives.

RP, I normally agree with a lot of what you post but I completely disagree with much of what you say here.

 

Do you know why a cheater cheats? It's because they believe they will never get caught. Please don't romanticize a cheater's position. They've got enough self-justifications of their own.

[Trimmer]

Sometimes I think that cheating is the worst sacrifice for some people. They are condemned....

Being "condemned" is something that happens to you from the outside - a yoke placed upon you by the external world without your direct control.

 

...to live with someone they don't truly love, to hide their lovers, and live double lives.

Each of these behaviors is a choice, not a sentence imposed from the outside.

[quiet1one1]

I found out recently my mid-40's (and stuggling with mid-life big time) W of 20+ years cheated on me with a MM 10-12 years her junior. My W started to get too close so he broke off the physical part but remained her "friend". She was left devastated and confused.

 

It has inflicted tremendous pain on me but I am leaning towards wanting to work through this - if she will try. We both did and said many things to each other over the last few years but for the most part had a wonderful 20 years together. We both know we're at the bottom now and must rebuild even if we're to part cordially. I see that as a good thing; that we needed to get here and be completely exposed. I love this woman and I feel there's hope. Can I forgive? Will I ever trust her (or any other W) again?? I just don't know now. I must exhaust every possibilty before D. I'm not saying I accept her behavior but I do give some thought to the idea she was used by a friend who took advantage of a woman clearly looking for an identity after feeling labeled as a Mom (kids are leaving the nest), a wife, a housekeeper, a professional woman in a man's world, whatever slot she felt stuck in for so long. Should she have turned to me? Sure. She didn't and I have to face that this surely says something about me too.

 

All of you speak like there's no possible hope. Am I kidding myself?

[whichwayisup]

All of you speak like there's no possible hope. Am I kidding myself?

There's hope...If you love her and want to give it your best, then fight for your marriage and that history you have together! Make sure she gives 100% too, this can't be a one-sided effort.

 

I have to appologize to afew people, and to you quiet1one1 - My intent of posting this thread really was to open the eyes of someone who was considering cheating, not to make betrayed spouses doubt that the marriage can't be saved after D-Day.

 

Read Thumbingmyway's threads, Owl's and DazednConfused's threads. Those 3 inspiring men are ALL in their marriages after D-Day.

[RecordProducer]

OK, let me reformulate my thoughts. The one thing I noticed is that betrayed spouses came here and commented how truthful this article is - not the cheaters, except for bullhunter, who doesn't even qualify as a real cheater. From my point of view, I would divorce a cheater immediately; not out of principals, but because I could never deal with the pain, kiss him or touch him again, trust him or feel special. In that context, the marriage would be over and it would be no different from my husband leaving me because he got bored of me or realized he was gay or couldn't take my nagging or whatever reason. I think the marriage is over the moment one spouse decides to cheat; it's even more over when the cheating gets materialized; and it's officially over when it's uncovered. But some people choose to resurrect the crushed relationship start from the beginning, which is not much different in my book from divorcing and re-marrying the same (or another) person. So now you're starting from a scratch with someone you know very well, who has broken your heart and your dreams. But you have kids and joint properties, mutual friends and good and bad memories, and you feel like you'll never be happy again if you get a divorce, so you give them another chance.

 

There is certainly a lot of pain and anger involved, but the same thing happens when one spouse decides to dump the other one. When my ex left me, I thought I was "entitled" to his love and he had to try to work things out because of our small children. But I wasn't entitled to it. And I am actually glad that he cut the marriage sooner rather than later. There was no third party involved. I would've probably been much angrier (I was 100% angry anyway) and vindictive if he left me for another woman.

 

My point is: cheaters have their reasons to cheat and they don't regret it most of the time. The betrayed spouses find out, get hurt like hell, and then whine about the pain they live in due to their spouse's infidelity. It's your job to kick them out of your life, if you ask me! What if your spouse comes to you one day and says "Darling, I don't feel like living with you anymore, I will file for a divorce"? The children would be hurt, the assets would be divided, the memories will be buried... but this is considered fair. Fair to whom? I would rather that my both parents cheated than got divorced. Their divorce destroyed my childhood and a great deal of my adulthood.

 

Speaking of choices... one person made a choice to hurt you... and you made a choice to continue to hurt. I don't sympathize with cheaters. I sympathize with the betrayed spouses, because I know exactly how I would feel in their shoes - precisely the way they feel, even worse.

 

But what is faithfulness anyway? To desire other people, but not share your penis or vagina with them because you want to be physically faithful? You can't tell people NOT to cheat. Nothing will convince me that cheaters take marriage or their spouses seriously. That's where all the problems stem from, not from the moment when they meet someone and go to bed with them.

 

And similarly, one can engage in an affair because their spouse is not taking the marriage seriously or with due respect. I know people are different, but I am absolutely certain that if I would ever cheat on a partner, it would mean that in my mind the relationship is over - I may still be in love, but not love my partner in a warm, close, intimate, and sweet way. We shouldn't ask "How can you hurt someone you love?" but "How can you believe that they truly love you when they hurt you so much?" or "How can they believe that YOU love them when they hurt you so much?"

 

If someone cheats because they seek excitement or they're angry at their partner at the moment or for other superficial motives, then we're dealing with a person who has low emotional capacity and moral values. So why do we need them in our lives? The cheating is just a consequence of your own flaws or your partner's flaw or both. It's never a cause of the marital disaster.

 

Regarding right and wrong choices, if you have so much self-discipline and control over your emotions and desires that you want to cheat, but you choose not to - then you are unhappy. If you make the wrong choice and cheat, you make another person unhappy. So it's really about me or you, my happiness or yours. And at that point there is no us anymore. I don't see one (romantic) reason why people who are not faithful to each other or in love should be married.

 

Kids, security, habit, comfort, convenience, and fear of loneliness are good enough reasons to preserve the community, but love, trust, and intimacy are being faked. People interact like two room mates, share parental responsibilities, visit friends and places together, etc. But they are not real lovers. So why are they staying together? And with this I opened a new topic that's actually directly related to infidelity: what's marriage all about anyway? Who is such a fool to expect infatuation in year 15 of the marriage? Or in year 9 or 7 or 4 or 2... We marry out of love, because we had fun together, we enjoyed the same things, we could talk, laugh, and f*ck like rabbits... Then we get married and slowly but surely we stop talking, laughing, f*cking, and having fun (if we do it, it's not really the way we want it to be)... We get babies, bills, problems, we get stuck in a rut...

 

I don't think I need to finish my thought, I am sure many, if not all of you know this scenario first-hand.

[RecordProducer]

Should she have turned to me? Sure. She didn't and I have to face that this surely says something about me too.

Because of this realization and confession, I think you have a chance to improve your marriage and start from a scratch. Not all people have the courage to leave. Would be happier if she came to you and said that she wants a divorce, because she isn't satisfied with the marriage? Apparently not. My husband is the kind of person who would rather leave than cheat. I would repeat my demands over and over again, seek new ways to work on the marriage until I get blue in my face, but not all people have the strength to do this. Actually, for me it would take a lot of strength that I don't have to live a double life.

 

If your wife shows remorse and wants to work on the marriage, it can work fine. Many marriages have even improved after affairs, because the wounds are exposed, as you said. However, many marriages fall apart after the affair, because the couple can't find a mutual language to deal with the problems. If you avoid the mutual blaming and focus on making things right in the future, you do have a chance.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Many great posts. It is important for those of you who have been betrayed to develop a broad mind, as this is crucial to healing. The author in the article is blinded by his anger at his wife, and in my opinion, did not write a well-rounded article.

 

It is easy to point fingers and blame the WS for the dissolution of a marriage. However, a marriage that is kept at malnourished state because one or both members refuse to "feed the love" is just as blameworthy as the a spouse who develops an extramarital affair.

 

A person who seeks emotional and physical fullfillment outside of his or her marriage is desperate. Speaking for myself, I know that when I started to think about having an affair, I had already left my marriage, mentally and physically.

 

I asked for a divorce long before reaching that state of desperation, but to no avail. My spouse would not agree to divorce because he claims that he loves me. Does my asking for a divorce prior to my willingness to indulge in an affair exonerate me? No. But the fact is, the dissolution of a marriage is going to be painful - especially to the spouse who still loves the other person - but it not entirely the WS's fault!

 

Those of you who have been betrayed by your spouse - you can hate her/him as much as you want. But the truth is, you should have never put your spouse on a pedestal. You should treat your marriage as if it were your garden - it needs daily maintenance! Don't feel cheated when you discover that your garden is full of weed when you ignore it most of the time.

[whichwayisup]

But the truth is, you should have never put your spouse on a pedestal. You should treat your marriage as if it were your garden - it needs daily maintenance! Don't feel cheated when you discover that your garden is full of weed when you ignore it most of the time.

 

That's quite an assumption! Especially the part I bolded.

 

And I don't think many people put their spouses on pedistools to begin with. That seems abit teenagerish (is that a word) and not adult like.

[serial muse]

My point is: cheaters have their reasons to cheat and they don't regret it most of the time. The betrayed spouses find out, get hurt like hell, and then whine about the pain they live in due to their spouse's infidelity. It's your job to kick them out of your life, if you ask me! What if your spouse comes to you one day and says "Darling, I don't feel like living with you anymore, I will file for a divorce"? The children would be hurt, the assets would be divided, the memories will be buried... but this is considered fair. Fair to whom? I would rather that my both parents cheated than got divorced. Their divorce destroyed my childhood and a great deal of my adulthood.

 

Um, RP, I think you're overlooking a really important point here. To my own certain knowledge, sometimes the BS does leave after the cheating - but that has exactly zip to do with whether or not they're going to experience this pain and subsequently "whine" about it. The pain is still there, regardless of whether they stay or leave the marriage, and yeah, it hurts like hell whether you decide to stick it out or not. Other aspects of pain may differ between the two cases, but the essential shattering of belief, the sense of betrayal, sadness, loss of trust, plummeting self-esteem, etc. etc. is going to happen regardless.

 

As for divorce, I really disagree with the idea that it is somehow less fair. I would much rather my exH had come to me honestly and ended our marriage that way, possibly preserving friendly feelings between us and certainly preserving my sense of trust in him and in relationships in general. That loss of trust in people in general, the loss of a (perhaps overly innocent) general belief that the person closest to me and who I trusted most would make the effort to talk to me when it's that important, rather than sneak around behind my back and lie to me about something so hurtful, has been the hardest part to deal with by far.

 

If someone cheats because they seek excitement or they're angry at their partner at the moment or for other superficial motives, then we're dealing with a person who has low emotional capacity and moral values. So why do we need them in our lives? The cheating is just a consequence of your own flaws or your partner's flaw or both. It's never a cause of the marital disaster.

 

True...but as you yourself said earlier, cheating is a deal-breaker for many, the true nail in the coffin. I think many cheaters do not, at least initially, see their behavior as determining the fate of the marriage in that way - they are vaguely aware of the potential consequences, but choose to ignore them in favor of the more immediate gratification. That's where compartmentalization comes in - they do not see it as "hurting" their marriage, at least not at first. Often, it's only when the BS finds out that the WS awakens to the reality of what s/he's done.

 

So what I'm saying is, sure, there may be marital problems, and they may or may not be solvable. But cheating is such a significant, covertly hostile act - and it is more difficult to get past than almost any other action one married person could make toward another. So whether or not cheating is the "cause" of the marital strife, as such, it can certainly be the cause of a divorce that might have been avoided otherwise.

 

Those of you who have been betrayed by your spouse - you can hate her/him as much as you want. But the truth is, you should have never put your spouse on a pedestal. You should treat your marriage as if it were your garden - it needs daily maintenance! Don't feel cheated when you discover that your garden is full of weed when you ignore it most of the time.

 

Edited to add: Yes, this is quite an assumption indeed. I'm familiar with your story, KHLF, but I wouldn't go about assuming that all BS are ignoring the problems to the degree that you say your exH ignored yours. The WS is as responsible as the BS for discussing those problems, and is solely responsible for the decision to cheat rather than file for divorce.