Interesting read about adultery

[whichwayisup]

"Adultery is the most selfish, destructive and hateful thing a person can do.

It’s funny what you don’t know going in. Or what you choose to ignore.

And it’s tragic that you don’t realize until it’s too late, until what’s done is done, how utterly wasted a life can be. How hopeless hopeless can become. How the promise and joy of life can slip like water through guilty hands. Hell is merely realizing what you’ve done. Mostly to others, but ultimately to yourself."

 

The above was excerpted from a longer copyrighted essay by Bob Lonsberry.

[Batman7]

This is a very accurate description, period! I'm glad someone was able to express exactly how I feel.

[bullhunter]

Excellent, accurate and sad. It reflects my soul's pain.

[Trialbyfire]

This deserves to be pinned. It's very appropriate.

[FireandIce]

Adultery isn’t something you do with another person, it is something you do to your family.

 

That is one part that really stuck out to me. How true that is.

[Melovator]

That's just set me off- stupid blind idiot- how can he be so stupid? Now I'm crying- I'm sick of crying.

[IWALH]

This made me feel sick to my stomach....

 

I cannot believe him....

 

I feel so badly for his family....

 

Not the guy who wrote this... my him.

[lovelorcet]

Yup... Emotional murder... Know how that feels

[Frances]

An interesting read. It about sums things up.

[Ruby Tuesday]

This is a perspective from a BS and I agree with the truth of that statement.

 

Generally speaking, even if you showed this statement to a WS/FWS, I don't believe a WS/FWS or even an OW/MOW will ever truely have that level of depth and understanding. They have a much different perspective than ours.

 

Cheating is a personal choice and usually one that is made with no thought or concsience towards the BS. Infidelity is malicious and it is intentional, as are the lies and deceitfulness that accompany the act.

 

Imagine the exorberant amount of time and thought involved in making up excuses for their whereabouts, ommitting facts with the intent to deceive, or the lies to protect their "friend. The WS/FWS always blame the BS. Society accepts that blame, as we BS too often accept that blame.

 

Adultery will adulterate everything in your life, your family, your person, your sex life, friendships and your work. Like king midas, everything he touched turned to gold, but he could not hug his own daughter without destroying her.

[Herzen]

The best of intentions does not excuse sloppy thinking and overheated prose. And Lonsberry's essay abounds in both.

 

First, the writer selects the worst case scenario, adultery ending in divorce, as the model for all adulterous relationships. He ignores the many cases where the family remains intact, and mom and dad both at home, despite the infidelity. As the Europeans demonstrate not every Affair turns the family into Ground Zero. It's intellectually dishonest to pretend otherwise.

 

Next, he confuses adultery with divorce especially as to the children. Substitute "divorce" for "adultery" and the essay sounds a bit more convincing. The writer really slams divorce when he writes:

 

Then there are the children. Innocents whose lives

are forever and unfairly changed. Who have a mommy and a daddy one day, but not the next. At least not in a real way. Not in the way they are supposed to. No Christmases and family reunions and weddings and graduations, no family nights around the dinner table or the TV, it’s all just shattered and broken.

 

That's separation and loss, not necessarily infidelity. People get divorced for a host of reasons not all of which involve an Affair. Lonsberry rails against adultery but complains about the effects of divorce. Sloppy.

 

 

Last, the use of charged words and expressions like "emotional murder" and "evil" shed more heat than light on the subject. It's just too easy to rely on over-emotional, super-charged language rather than fact-based writing and clear thinking.

 

Infidelity, separation and divorce are complicated, painful issues that deserve more serious treatment than this writer provides in his "FIRE AND BRIMSTONE" sermon. But he's preaching to the choir.

 

Grade: D.

[Ruby Tuesday]

Herzen have you ever been cheated on by a spouse? If not, then your perspectives are different and you wouldn't understand that unless it happened to you. Until then, you can only presume to know the divorce like impact it has on a BS.

 

My husband, the FWS, can only empathize with me. He doesnt truely understand the permanant damage he has done. He doesnt understand there are certian aspects of the affair that sometimes creep up on me and hurt me the same as it did as though it were only yesterday.

 

As a reconciller after my husband's LTA, I can assure you that divorce - death - infidelity would equally have the same impact on us. A loss is a loss, no matter what the circumstances, or outcome of the affair.

[Lizzie60]

with Herzen...

 

While I was reading this over-the-top nonsense... I thought 'then what's the alternative to adultery'...it's divorce...so I think the effects are just about the same for the family...

[whichwayisup]

While I was reading this over-the-top nonsense

 

I posted this for a reason. Maybe to make a MM or a MW to stop and THINK about what 'could' happen if they choose to have an affair. Yes, this article is worst case senario, ending in divorce. Not all affairs end in divorce, but the road to fixing a marriage AFTER D-Day is a living hell and very painful.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

IMHO, divorce is not the worst case scenario, living with a liar, cheater, and manipulator is far worse ummm... unless ofcourse you are a liar, cheater, and manipulator.

[Herzen]

Herzen have you ever been cheated on by a spouse? If not, then your perspectives are different and you wouldn't understand that unless it happened to you. Until then, you can only presume to know the divorce like impact it has on a BS.

 

My husband, the FWS, can only empathize with me. He doesnt truely understand the permanant damage he has done. He doesnt understand there are certian aspects of the affair that sometimes creep up on me and hurt me the same as it did as though it were only yesterday.

 

As a reconciller after my husband's LTA, I can assure you that divorce - death - infidelity would equally have the same impact on us. A loss is a loss, no matter what the circumstances, or outcome of the affair.

 

I understand that affairs devastate. Believe me, I do. I've seen both sides.

 

I also understand why the article was posted by WWIU:as a cautionary warning to all those here on the verge of embarking on a destructive affair. I have no qualms with that, either.

 

I simply reviewed the article's writing and logic, and found both wanting.

 

One of these days, when I get the courage, I might post, over time, the Anatomy of an Affair--from work colleagues to beginning friendship to closest friends to early lovers to hot affair sex to sexual and emotional alienation from spouse and family to the stress of leading the Big Lie to the cooling of the physical affair to the end of the physical affair to to the continuation of the emotional affair to the end of the emotional affair to the end of a marriage that could not survive the end of the affair and to the great efforts by mom and dad to keep the family together while mom and dad live apart.

 

Each affair tells a different story. I just didn't much care for Lonsberry's story.

[Owl]

Interesting to note that the BS's respond very clearly with how accurate and dead on this was, and others don't agree.

[Ruby Tuesday]

I understand that affairs devastate. Believe me, I do. I've seen both sides.

 

I also understand why the article was posted by WWIU:as a cautionary warning to all those here on the verge of embarking on a destructive affair. I have no qualms with that, either.

 

I simply reviewed the article's writing and logic, and found both wanting.

 

One of these days, when I get the courage, I might post, over time, the Anatomy of an Affair--from work colleagues to beginning friendship to closest friends to early lovers to hot affair sex to sexual and emotional alienation from spouse and family to the stress of leading the Big Lie to the cooling of the physical affair to the end of the physical affair to to the continuation of the emotional affair to the end of the emotional affair to the end of a marriage that could not survive the end of the affair and to the great efforts by mom and dad to keep the family together while mom and dad live apart.

 

Each affair tells a different story. I just didn't much care for Lonsberry's story.

 

I know what you mean. I think I lost my patience a million times waiting for the real end of the affair. I feel like a little kid in the car, Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

 

I think that adds to my grief, my dying death was my husbands weakness in properly ending his attechment to the OW and not quite seeing me slowly dying. I needed him to rescue me. I needed him to put an end to the lying. I had to save myself and then I had to save him.

 

I also agree to be cautious to whom you tell your story. There were some secrets I told that I now hugely regret putting on the forum. If you do, I suggest that you do it as an annonymous guest.

[LakesideDream]

I had to save myself and then I had to save him.

 

Ruby, that sentence was one of the most profound I have read on LS. Kudo's for the clairity of thought.

[Herzen]

I know what you mean. I think I lost my patience a million times waiting for the real end of the affair. I feel like a little kid in the car, Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

 

I think that adds to my grief, my dying death was my husbands weakness in properly ending his attechment to the OW and not quite seeing me slowly dying. I needed him to rescue me. I needed him to put an end to the lying. I had to save myself and then I had to save him.

 

I also agree to be cautious to whom you tell your story. There were some secrets I told that I now hugely regret putting on the forum. If you do, I suggest that you do it as an annonymous guest.

 

Thank for the advice, RT. I most like likely won't do anything because of privacy concerns.

 

That chapter, however, is long closed.

 

I empathize with you. An affair creates a huge blind spot when it comes to the WS seeing his BS. It's as if the BS' very existence is of no or little moment as the WS gets caught up in the drama, intrigue, and passion of the affair. The BS becomes an "other" while the OP assumes a centrality and importance far beyond her intrinsic worth.

 

Even after the affair ends, the blind spot remains. The BS must assist her WS in helping him truly "see" her again. And even when his vision is restored, it's never fully restored.

 

There lies the pathos...

[Trialbyfire]

Thank for the advice, RT. I most like likely won't do anything because of privacy concerns.

 

That chapter, however, is long closed.

 

I empathize with you. An affair creates a huge blind spot when it comes to the WS seeing his BS. It's as if the BS' very existence is of no or little moment as the WS gets caught up in the drama, intrigue, and passion of the affair. The BS becomes an "other" while the OP assumes a centrality and importance far beyond her intrinsic worth.

 

Even after the affair ends, the blind spot remains. The BS must assist her WS in helping him truly "see" her again. And even when his vision is restored, it's never fully restored.

 

There lies the pathos...

Truly...complete and utter pathos. The victim is responsible for saving the abuser.

 

Do you see something wrong here? I know I do...

[Ruby Tuesday]

Thanks LD.

 

His heroism was indeed misplaced. It had a lot to do with the OW playing the victim, a role that has suited her very well. Hey, whatever works, right, but her magic could never last forever.

 

Anyway, since the frog prince was under the spell of her bullsh*t, it was time to turn things around or he'd have killed us all as our kingdom fell to ruin. Sometimes it really sucks to be the strong one, but I couldn't leave the rescuing for someone who couldn't even save himself let alone me.

 

I leave the fairytales for the storybooks.

 

And they all lived happily ever after The end!

[reef man]

This is a perspective from a BS and I agree with the truth of that statement.

 

Generally speaking, even if you showed this statement to a WS/FWS, I don't believe a WS/FWS or even an OW/MOW will ever truely have that level of depth and understanding. They have a much different perspective than ours.

 

thats because they are selfish and want to blame the BS for their cheating. either that or they don't want to think they are that cruel.

[mrmaximum]

Nailed it on the head, been there and done that twice. Not a lovely bed of roses, to be sure.

[LakesideDream]

Thanks LD.

 

His heroism was indeed misplaced. It had a lot to do with the OW playing the victim, a role that has suited her very well. Hey, whatever works, right, but her magic could never last forever.

 

Anyway, since the frog prince was under the spell of her bullsh*t, it was time to turn things around or he'd have killed us all as our kingdom fell to ruin. Sometimes it really sucks to be the strong one, but I couldn't leave the rescuing for someone who couldn't even save himself let alone me.

 

I leave the fairytales for the storybooks.

 

And they all lived happily ever after The end!

 

 

Ruby, you are truely a "strong one". By the time that the evidence was incontrivertable they my ex-W was years into a long term affair.. I didn't have the strength or desire to fight. The kids were freshly adult, we were on our own in a new city... hoping to "start the second phase" of our relationship, or so I thought.

 

It just shattered me. 72 hours later we were divorced, she moved to an apt, and they are living happily ever after.