Author Meaplus3 Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 I firmly believe that most affairs occur when a marriage is just fine, but I'll humor you, let's say the marriage is going through a rough patch, or the couple has young children and the husband is feeling neglected (poor baby), or there are financial issues, or too much stress and for whatever reason AT THE MOMENT, things aren't "hunky dory"....SO WHAT? Is that a green light for someone to become an interloper in a marriage? Does that make it OK to cheat? The way some people try to justify affairs is laughable. I don't care if the marriage is hanging by a thread, you don't go there. "Is that a green light for someone to become an interloper in a marriage? Does that make it OK to cheat? Green light NO! That's what eat's me up iside about mm! even though his word's can say he knew it was an ea, it still bug's the S*** out of me that he feel's he has not cheated. Gosh if that's not a thought of a self centered person than I don't know what is! I knew what I did was wrong and I know it till this day and admit to it. MM is also in a profession where he counsel's people. Now that makes me laugh! Perhap's that's why their are a few messed up family's in our town, Imagine the advice he gives to them? LOL! AP:)
Author Meaplus3 Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 Where did u come up w/ the hunky dorey thing? No M or R is perfect. Most MM just TELL their OW that things are horrible at home so that they can justify having the A...Also, most OW's, IMO, are good people...who would cannot see themselves getting involved w/ a MM who has a good M...That may sounds sort of simplified, but I think that's the jest of it IMO. The answer to your question re: EA's IMO is that some MM get off on the "thrill of the chase" and the ability to "unload" on someone other then their W...It's sort of like...Why do they need a therapist if they can have it for free? JMHO... I have know idea why I thought of that term. I would agree that the "Thrill of the chase" is a key factor in my ea. Once he figured he won, he ran the other direction and probably into another "R" with an attractive vunerable woman who is willing to validate him as a man somthing his W is clearly not providing enough of for him IMO. AP:)
GreenEyedLady Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I firmly believe that most affairs occur when a marriage is just fine, but I'll humor you, let's say the marriage is going through a rough patch, or the couple has young children and the husband is feeling neglected (poor baby), or there are financial issues, or too much stress and for whatever reason AT THE MOMENT, things aren't "hunky dory"....SO WHAT? Does that make it OK to cheat? Hmm, it seems to me that some people don't realize their M is in trouble or not "hunky dory" until they discover their spouse is in an A...Kinda like which came first, the chicken or the egg? And I don't see anywhere that anyone said that it's ok to cheat...but that also seems like something you'd have to take up with your spouse, as it's their ultimate choice whether to cheat or not...
Tomcat33 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I firmly believe that most affairs occur when a marriage is just fine, but I'll humor you, Is that a green light for someone to become an interloper in a marriage? Does that make it OK to cheat? The way some people try to justify affairs is laughable. I don't care if the marriage is hanging by a thread, you don't go there. If affairs happen when everything is just fine, then affairs should have happened in those rels which 1 A took place, ALL the time. It should not have been the first A because let's face it, opportunities of someone else that is better in whatever way is ALWAYS there so according to that theory As should happen all the time someone exciting enough comes along. If that is the only prerequisite. It's not about justifying an A, it is wrong, but you know something if a M or a rel. is hanging by a thread there is very big possibility that a person might fall in love with someone else. Let's face it so many rels. end so that a partner can go off to their next conquest (marriage or no marriage) it happens all the time, a rel wasn't working out and one of the people in the rel had an eye on someone else and they get out of the rel to pursue the new love interest. Very rarely are things "just fine"when an A occurs. At best the BP was clueless that there were severe problems but the problems were def. there. Unless of course there are those who refuse to see. Only in the case of serial cheaters icould it be that there was really nothing wrong in the rel.
bullhunter Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 [even though his word's can say he knew it was an ea, it still bug's the S*** out of me that he feel's he has not cheated. I gotta tell you, I didn't think of what I did as cheating either, not until I saw the amount of pain my wife was in over it. That was when I began to realize. Also, in response to your earlier question, does he love his wife? I can only say that I do love mine, and regret daily what I did.
Author Meaplus3 Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 If affairs happen when everything is just fine, then affairs should have happened in those rels which 1 A took place, ALL the time. It should not have been the first A because let's face it, opportunities of someone else that is better in whatever way is ALWAYS there so according to that theory As should happen all the time someone exciting enough comes along. If that is the only prerequisite. It's not about justifying an A, it is wrong, but you know something if a M or a rel. is hanging by a thread there is very big possibility that a person might fall in love with someone else. Let's face it so many rels. end so that a partner can go off to their next conquest (marriage or no marriage) it happens all the time, a rel wasn't working out and one of the people in the rel had an eye on someone else and they get out of the rel to pursue the new love interest. Very rarely are things "just fine"when an A occurs. At best the BP was clueless that there were severe problems but the problems were def. there. Unless of course there are those who refuse to see. Only in the case of serial cheaters icould it be that there was really nothing wrong in the rel. Tomcat, What's the defination of a "Serial Cheater"? AP
Tomcat33 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I gotta tell you, I didn't think of what I did as cheating either, not until I saw the amount of pain my wife was in over it. That was when I began to realize. Also, in response to your earlier question, does he love his wife? I can only say that I do love mine, and regret daily what I did. I gotta ask you because I've hear this being said before, why when you saw your W's pain did it make you realise what you had done? Could you not imagine what it would to her otherwise? do you not have the capacity for empathy until you are hit over the head? And lastly did you not think of what it would feel like to you if she had done that to you? Surely you can relate to that at least while the A was going on!!!!? I've never killed anyone but I can sure empathise with the terror in someone's eyes/body as I am about to shoot them or stab them to death and that is enough to seal the deal for me, I would never kill someone other than self defense.
Tomcat33 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Tomcat, What's the defination of a "Serial Cheater"? AP repeat offenders who do it for sport, caught or not they do it as long as they can get away with it or even after they are caught.
outofdarkness Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I gotta ask you because I've hear this being said before, why when you saw your W's pain did it make you realise what you had done? Could you not imagine what it would to her otherwise? do you not have the capacity for empathy until you are hit over the head? And lastly did you not think of what it would feel like to you if she had done that to you? Surely you can relate to that at least while the A was going on!!!!? I've never killed anyone but I can sure empathise with the terror in someone's eyes/body as I am about to shoot them or stab them to death and that is enough to seal the deal for me, I would never kill someone other than self defense. sorry to horn in but I feel like some people gotta always get their dig in...
Tomcat33 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 sorry to horn in but I feel like some people gotta always get their dig in... Considering you allow your H, whom you have professed to be a serial cheater, to remain by your side and you find a way to justify why you allow it to happen again and again, I can see why my valid question to a cheater was considered a dig.
Author Meaplus3 Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 repeat offenders who do it for sport, caught or not they do it as long as they can get away with it or even after they are caught. Tom, For a Sport? What Sport are they playing? Dear Hunting perhap's? Darn if I caught a dear I would be darn proud to bring it home.
Tomcat33 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Tom, For a Sport? What Sport are they playing? Dear Hunting perhap's? Darn if I caught a dear I would be darn proud to bring it home. Actually AnswerPlease that is a perfect analogy and yes it's like that kind of sport the thrill of the hunt, it's an enormous thrill to prey upon people who will fall under their traps. It's a great ego boost. but like a true hunter one deer won't be enough, pretty soon the trophy isn't good enough it's the challenges they overcome to get their prey that becomes the sport and excitement. As sad as it sounds that's the sport.
Author Meaplus3 Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 Actually AnswerPlease that is a perfect analogy and yes it's like that kind of sport the thrill of the hunt, it's an enormous thrill to prey upon people who will fall under their traps. It's a great ego boost. but like a true hunter one deer won't be enough, pretty soon the trophy isn't good enough it's the challenges they overcome to get their prey that becomes the sport and excitement. As sad as it sounds that's the sport. Glad I was on target, LOL! Poor Bambi, LOL!
Tomcat33 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Glad I was on target, LOL! Poor Bambi, LOL! LOL bambi....ooooh hunting is horrible
Author Meaplus3 Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 LOL bambi....ooooh hunting is horrible Ha! Oh I guess I will never understand! MM has the "dear at Home" and is so happy, why mess with that? Leave the Bambi's of the world alone MM, LOL:lmao: AP
outofdarkness Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Considering you allow your H, whom you have professed to be a serial cheater, to remain by your side and you find a way to justify why you allow it to happen again and again, I can see why my valid question to a cheater was considered a dig. not going to get into it w/ you..you seem to thrive on that...so, I will just observe.
sadbuttrue Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 you know it is a little like hunting for some i think. no matter how many deer they kill, they always seem to want to get one more and even though they have all the deer meat at home they could possibly need, they want to get more. crazy
Tomcat33 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Ha! Oh I guess I will never understand! MM has the "dear at Home" and is so happy, why mess with that? Leave the Bambi's of the world alone MM, LOL:lmao: AP Well as they see it the "deer at home is dead" or conquered (well not too dead because it minds the house and washes up the kids allowing him more time to go out and hunt) The sport is in conquering fresh unassuming deer, as soon as that deer is dead, the next hunting expedition takes on its way and so on so forth. hence the sport is created... It's all about the hunt itself, the deer are irrelevant, they are needed to make the game possible but the deer itself is not the best part of the sport. The act of catching it is.
Tomcat33 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 not going to get into it w/ you..you seem to thrive on that...so, I will just observe. Really? because when you attacked me out of the blue because I asked Bullhunter a few valid questions regarding his cheating, I would have thought differently. It's funny how OW/OM get attacked and put down and insulted all the time on this forum but the minute a cheater is asked a pressing question certain people jump up to defend the cheaters. Sometimes I really wonder who's side people are really on???? And why!?!?
RecordProducer Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 If everything is so "Hunky dorey" at Home with the "W", then why would a MM get so very emotionally close to another woman MW os SW? What would he have to gain if he planned to not have sex? Just working through feeling's here. AP:) Because things are NEVER perfect. We always have something more than we want or less than we need. And the third person comes to plug the gaps. Some people are just depressed, some fantasize, some have emotional affairs, some turn to their careers and hobbies, and some have affairs. Same feelings- different outcomes. And sometimes people are just bored and need excitement. Or they feel like they can't talk freely with their spouses. Or they start a friendship that turns into attraction. How things go with his wife is totally irrelevant. He chose to stay with her, which means he has his own reasons. His marriage can be rocky and he can still love his wife and want to devote his life to her.
OpenBook Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Heck, I want to know what you guys's definition of an "Emotional Affair" is. And where do you see the line between that and just being friends with the guy?? If he's looking at it as "just friends" - but you've got more intense feelings going on toward him - isn't it a simply a matter of perception?
bullhunter Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I gotta ask you because I've hear this being said before, why when you saw your W's pain did it make you realise what you had done? Could you not imagine what it would to her otherwise? do you not have the capacity for empathy until you are hit over the head? And lastly did you not think of what it would feel like to you if she had done that to you? Surely you can relate to that at least while the A was going on!!!!? I've never killed anyone but I can sure empathise with the terror in someone's eyes/body as I am about to shoot them or stab them to death and that is enough to seal the deal for me, I would never kill someone other than self defense. I never f**ked the woman. It was e-mail. I honestly didn't see how I was hurting my wife having this imaginary "thing" going. I told her about it, and though I expected her to not like what I did, I did not expect the level of pain she experienced. And TC, since you seem to be so completely full of empathy, why can't or won't YOU empathise with people? Anytime I post on this board I feel you are absolutely out to get me. This will be the last time I respond to you. And in case you wonder why I ever bother to post here, I've read posts full of anguish about "why". And sometimes I think that if my experience can help someone even a little bit, then maybe some good can be eked out of what happened.
outofdarkness Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 sorry to horn in but I feel like some people gotta always get their dig in... I would not consider this an "attack"...Getting a dig in is common on this forum...I NEVER attack...PERIOD...Please don't accuse me of this again...And...WHY are so angry and defensive on some of your posts?
Tomcat33 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I never f**ked the woman. It was e-mail. I honestly didn't see how I was hurting my wife having this imaginary "thing" going. I told her about it, and though I expected her to not like what I did, I did not expect the level of pain she experienced. And TC, since you seem to be so completely full of empathy, why can't or won't YOU empathise with people? Anytime I post on this board I feel you are absolutely out to get me. This will be the last time I respond to you. And in case you wonder why I ever bother to post here, I've read posts full of anguish about "why". And sometimes I think that if my experience can help someone even a little bit, then maybe some good can be eked out of what happened. I have plenty of empathy but little empathy for people who purposely mislead others for their own personal gain. I feel a lot of the anger is misdirected on this forum and if anyone should be on the receiving end of it if should be the cheater. That's just how I see it, because the cheater is the only person who fully knew what was going on in both situations. Don't worry I won't be asking you any more questions.
Tomcat33 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Heck, I want to know what you guys's definition of an "Emotional Affair" is. And where do you see the line between that and just being friends with the guy?? If he's looking at it as "just friends" - but you've got more intense feelings going on toward him - isn't it a simply a matter of perception? Open Book it doesn't appear like anyone has answered your question. An EA is when a person invests their emotional energy outside their partnership and they receive emotional support and companionship from the new person. Sometimes the people feel closer to the new person and feel an increase in sexual tension. If the tie is downplayed infront of the spouse it is 100% an emotional A. If the cheater finds himself or herself having to keep a secret the friendship that is developing outside his/her partnership then it is considered cheating/EA. The part about looking at it as just friends....? I have serious doubts about that whole scenario. I personally don't believe a frienship with a single person of the opposite sex is a good idea for one of the people in an involved rel. Nothing good can come of that. If you can't share you friends with your partner why introduce new friends into your rel?? That's highly doubious to be. As soon as time is being omitted from the partner to spend time or to talk to the other person it is going down the path of no return...
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