How much Pull does the partner have?

[Melovator]

I've woken up feeling pissed off this morning. Found out partner was having an affair two months ago, I asked for NC between him and her and he agreed but then she kept SMS'ing and emailing and calling, until he started talkign to her again- she ended up in hospital and that seems to have been the tipping point. So he's moved out of the house part time- spends half the week here with me and our son and has a hotel room but has been seeing her too. She doesn't know we're still sleeping together (and having the best sex ever- with him opening up with all kind of sexual fantasies which he ahs said there is no way he could share with her) which I've decided not to feel guilty about. He's screwed in the head- I'm pretty sure its a mid-life crisis at 31 and is not talking to anyone about anything. He has not moved out his clothes- I'm still doing his washing (even his mother thinks I'm idiot for that), he still calls me to tell me about his work, see how me and our son are going, he hasn't ciut off credit cards or been an a-hole about money- in fact if try to talk about anything formal like money, the house, child residence- he gets upset and has cried one time and another time got really angry at me and accused me of trying to keep his son away from him- which I would never do- I have a whole screwed up parental divorce in my background which makes that impossible for me. He's working a lot, so I don't think he's spending more than one maybe two nights a week with her. Yes dump the bastard you all cry.

Well I love the bastard and he's going through a really hard time and what is pissing me off right now is that this woman is manipulating him all over the place (one night he cancelled his usual watch our son so I could go out night- and this woman knows that this night is my one night out a week and she keeps wanting him to go out with her on that night). I haven't been playing those games, but I'm getting annoyed that such a smart man can't see the manipulation. If I tell him though-he's going to think I'm playing games which I have an aversion to (parental divorce-nasty).

So my question is this- how much pull does the mother of his child really have? Because I like tot hink that at the end of this he and I will at least be friends, and I can't bank on more. But he's not talking to me about what's happening in his head and I can't get the conversation going. I like to think that if I just keep being the person I am and living my life that eventually he'll wake up and realise that one woman is hurt but honest, while another can't respect him if she resorts to manipulation. Some food for thought please.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Wow, I'm not sure at all the answer to this. First of all, make a deal that if he is for some reason unable to keep his son on the agreed upon night that you will take in return THREE additional nights that week. That should make the decision easy on the two of them. That is not game playing it is drawing a boundary. Keep son on Tuesdays or keep him Wed thru Friday. That should make the decision easy. You definately need a day you can count on in order to make plans. I'm assuming at this point you have an open marriage?

[silktricks]

It's obvious that you love the guy, but you need to love yourself and your child as well. He's screwed up right now. He may never get ok again, but for sure you need to take care of you being right!

 

You are enabling his confusion, which is enabling the ow.

 

It's good that you don't want to be hateful, but that doesn't mean you need to take everything either.

 

You really do need to set a few groundrules, but don,t set anything you can't stick to. In the meantime, get yourself some therapy, as you are not in a good environment for either yourself or your child.

[FireandIce]

Does he still tell you that he loves you and wants to be with you? I'm just trying to figure out why you are letting him have his cake and eat it too. I know, you love him and that's a very hard feeling to let go of but don't let it keep going on like this. It sounds to me like you still want to be married to him but it's never going to happen if you keep letting him have it both ways. Make him decide because it doesn't matter if you have his child or not, if you continue to let him jump back and forth then nothing will change.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this though. I know it's hard to love someone that hurts you over and over.

[Melovator]

It's obvious that you love the guy, but you need to love yourself and your child as well. He's screwed up right now. He may never get ok again, but for sure you need to take care of you being right!

 

You are enabling his confusion, which is enabling the ow.

 

It's good that you don't want to be hateful, but that doesn't mean you need to take everything either.

 

You really do need to set a few groundrules, but don,t set anything you can't stick to. In the meantime, get yourself some therapy, as you are not in a good environment for either yourself or your child.

 

Have an appointment with a psychologist for two weeks time- he's paying for the therapy. And most of the time I'm okay, just today I'm all pissy about it- I'll use the female reason of PMS because that's how I feel. My son is the most important thing and I need to take care of myself for my son which is what I've been doing.

All I get out of him -is 'I don't know, I don't know, I dont know', and he hasn't got the mental space to 'know' at the moment- and won't have it for several more weeks at least due to unrelenting work pressure, which is also another factor in this sorry saga- but one he has made some minor inroads into dealing with.

When I joked that Iw as becoming the mistress because she doesn't know he and I are still sleeping together, he said "that would be elevating my relationship with her to another level." I just don't understand how such an intelligent guy can be so absolutley blind to such blatant manipulation- espeiclly seeing as it involves time he spends with his son, not time he spends with me.

I was talking with his mother today (who I'm very, very close to) and she knows what's going on because I had a minor breakdown on her, not that she's said anything to him or anyone else, her and I have our own relationship. And I haven't told her to be manipulative- that's not my style. But anyway, I was saying that come this current lot of work pressure I'm just going to say- "you got two weeks clear to think about things, at the end of that two weeks you either move all your stuff back in and see a psychologist and have no contact ever again with OW or you move your stuff out and I want no contact with you for a period of months and your mother will facilitate contact with your son." And if he doesn't have his stuff out and is still stuffing around then I pack his stuff into the shed and get his mother to give him the key.

But see I say this now and then two days from now when the PMS has worn off and I'm a weepy mess it will all be different.

[Frances]

you got two weeks clear to think about things, at the end of that two weeks you either move all your stuff back in and see a psychologist and have no contact ever again with OW or you move your stuff out and I want no contact with you for a period of months and your mother will facilitate contact with your son." And if he doesn't have his stuff out and is still stuffing around then I pack his stuff into the shed and get his mother to give him the key.

But see I say this now and then two days from now when the PMS has worn off and I'm a weepy mess it will all be different.[/quote

 

Stick to that

If a friend of yours was doing what you are doing and taking this from a man what would you say to her?

 

You want to move back and look at your situation. You are leaving yourself open to all sorts of infections, allowing him to use you for sex because that is what he is doing, You may be enjoying the sex at the time but how do you feel the next day.

 

How old are you?

 

Look ahead and think what is your life going to be with a cake eater like that. What is your son going to think of you putting up with it. Is he a good role model for your son.

 

You need someone to look out for you and it sounds as if his mother may give you that.

 

I wish you well.

[Melovator]

**If a friend of yours was doing what you are doing and taking this from a man what would you say to her?**

 

I'd tell her she was a damn fool, and they all have, except the ones who are too polite and the one's who know I'll go to hell in my own way anyway. Not that I intend on going to hell, I'm actually doing quite well as a person. Have realised that I'm actually a bloody great person, and he's a damn fool, But I want to know I did my best, so that one day when my son asks about all of this I can honestly say I really tried. There will come an end to my tolerance for foolishness though.

 

 

**You want to move back and look at your situation. You are leaving yourself open to all sorts of infections, allowing him to use you for sex because that is what he is doing, You may be enjoying the sex at the time but how do you feel the next day.**

 

Actually feel quite good, the last time was wonderful most of all because he started to talk in a way he hasn't for months now about his emotions and what he's feeling and it stemmed out of a context that I know there's no way he'd share with her. Am taking care of myself health wise. Of course am pissed off about having to do that because I've only ever slept with him before and who knows how many people have been invited into my bed by association with all of this? Of course- that's another of the things that sends him into wild spasms of panic- the thought of me having sex with someone else. He freely acknowledges that this is hypocritical. But I'm not ready to shop myself around just yet- I'd rather concentrate on being me, I dunno I'm not going to have casual sex with someone to try and feel better or for revenge. How did I get onto this??? Weird brain.

 

 

**How old are you?**

 

Old enough to have danced around a lounge room to New Kids on the Block because I wasn't old enough to know any better. Old enough to have danced around a lounge room listening to Nirvana because by then I did know better.

 

 

**Look ahead and think what is your life going to be with a cake eater like that. What is your son going to think of you putting up with it. Is he a good role model for your son.**

 

I don't plan on putting up with it forever, but he's not an a-hole, he honestly is screwed up, throwing pieces of his personality around that he didn't know existed and sometimes horrified at where they land. He could be a good role model for his son if he got his head out of his bum. If he can't do that then I'd be doing future daughter-in-laws and myself and my son no favours by putting up with it.

 

 

**You need someone to look out for you and it sounds as if his mother may give you that.**

 

His mother is beautiful. When I get stressed out with my son or something happens I don't think what would my mother do? I think what would she do? She really wants to go him, but is only holding back at my request, it would make things worse. She and I have our own relationship, and she's a woman who makes up her own mind and takes no crap once she has.

 

**I wish you well.**

 

Thanks, I'll probably need it. I'm beginning to realise that I wouldn't even be thinking about dates if I was prepared to put up with this forever. In the meantime I have to admit a little thrill of satisfaction when I found out he hasn't seen her in the last week and declined a date with her to be with me. I hope she's not a bunny boiler, but it would be nice if she was highly strung and nervous- I tried so hard to only think good thoughts but all I can think is this must be confusing her more then me- because wasn't he supposed to move out and be with her? Instead he's still at home half the week, and she's lucky to see him one evening, if that. She must be stupider than I am!

[jmargel]

He's not going through a mid-life crisis, he's doing this because of his immaturity. The only way that can be fixed is if he WANTS it to be fixed. You have NO pull in that matter.

 

The only way he can fix this is through counseling and yet it seems like you are trying to pull him away from this other woman. Even if you do that successfully it will only be a matter of time before he gets back with her or finds another.

 

He faces no consequences for his behavior and you are tolerating only getting a portion of what he should be giving you. Words are meaningless and he knows this. That's why it's easy for him to still say affectionate things to you and it's easy for him to hear you complain because at the end of the day you are still around.

 

Stop rolling over and piddling on yourself in regards to this situation. Demand respect from him and yourself. The only way this can work is to stop contact with him and let him discover on his own what he needs to do to make things right. If he decides to take the easy road and go with this other chick then you saved yourself months/years of agony, since he would have made the same decision in the end.

[torranceshipman]

I agree completely with JMargel...demand respect fro yourself in this situation.

 

The first thing I thought when I read this post is that this guy has totally manipulated you - not only into accepting this awful behaviour, but in then thinking that the OW is the one who is doing the manipulating. He is the one totally manipulating you, if you believe that, and continue letting him get away with this horrible behaviour.

 

I also totally agree with Frances.

 

This guy doesnt deserve to be in your life, or your sons life, unless he treats you both with respect and right now that is NOT happening!

[silktricks]

You said he is the only man you've been with. Up till now, are you the only woman he has been with? Some men get to feeling that they have "missed something" by not screwing around. (Personally I blame TV for that, but that's another story. . . )

 

I figure that you know him better than us, and if you say he's screwed up, then he is. And I'm glad to hear that you don't intend to keep on taking this situation indefinitely, because it's definitely NOT a healthful one for you (or your child, or your partner!)

 

His mom sounds like a great person, and I'm glad you have someone to actually TALK to, instead of just all of our fingers . If he's got such a great mom, hopefully he'll wake up soon. However, there's one thing you do need to be aware of. You sound like a really down-to-earth, honest lady, his mom (from your description) sounds like another such. If those are pretty much his only exposures to women, he probably thinks all women are that way (that was the problem my H had) and it may take awhile for him to "get it" that there are a number of cold-hearted, manipulative wenches in the world.

 

I think often people to tend to see their own sex more clearly, and many men who are excellent judges of men are rotten judges of women (and vice versa).

[Ripples]

Melovator, I've only skimmed this thread so sorry if I'm repeating anything that's already been said.

 

A piece of advice that I read on here that really helped me when dealing with finding out about my SO's cheating was taking some space and time away from him.

 

It was damn hard thinking that in that time apart, he'd be shacking up with another woman, but it was well worth giving him the chance to miss me and giving me the chance to look at the bigger picture. He came crawling.

[Lynna]

Don't let him keep sleeping with both of you! You are just making it easier for him to NOT make a choice, unless you are willing to put up with this for the rest of your lives together. Keep talking to him by all means, it sounds like you are finally having some real communication!!! That is great. But he needs to stop sleeping with her if he really loves you. In fact, maybe he needs to stop sleeping with ANYONE right now. He needs to figure out himself and what he really wants, so he needs to step back and get some perspective.

[Melovator]

I am getting tired of the sheer volume of emotional energy this whole situation is taking up but now is not the time to get into it. He's working seven days a week for at least 14 hours a day. When he's in a work phase like this every little hitch, problem, snag just winds him up and he can't think straight- if I was to say right int he middle of this 'get in or get out' he'd probably completely over react to everything (When he's like this it's kind of like dealing with a woman who has really bad PMS, but at least she'll have a cry after a couple of days and eat some chocolate to calm down). He'll need a week just to sleep after all this- no point trying having a rational conversation with him while he's sleep deprived- I don't remember having much rationality myself when my son was six months old and I hadn't slept for any longer than four hours at a time since he'd been born.

But as much I'd like to think I could probably wait the OW out- I'm turning into a bit of a bitch about her- and I've always tried hard not to be bitchy about anyone but then I think surely the universe won't mind if I really, really dislike just one other human on the planet? Just one? Anyway, I can't do this forever, its not the right thing for me or my son. I need closure either way but I also need him not to go out of his tree when I tell him- as I've mentioned before he seems to fall apart when I do and I need him to stay rational and reasonable but have to acknowledge that he might not- in which case his mother won't hold back just because I asked her to before- and then that would be another whole thing...

Its so stupid I went out dinner with friends last night there were seven people, three who've been single for a while after painful breakups, two (including me) whose partners cheated, one 'normal but still painful' marriage breakdown and finally there was only one at the table with a happy marriage- though I think she might have gone home to hubby and sat him down at the kitchen table to tell him what she'd do to him if ever did cheat on her. All these people doing stupid things!

And I know I'm stupid putting up with this situation. All I can plead is love, and a desire to know that I really tried even if he didn't. And as Silktricks alluded to until her I was the only woman he'd slept with and given I have a family history where no man seems to be able to keep it in his pants I acn't say I never expected something like this wouldn't happen- and if he'd asked we might have been able to work something out (YES I CAN HEAR YOU ALL YELLING AT ME NOW) because sexual fidelity is not as important to me as a comittment to a shared vision of the future, of life together- I know that for many people this is not the case but while I enjoy sex I don't see that it should be the definer of a relationship. Because let's be honest we all get old and you reach a point where sex doesn't happen even with viagra so there has to be something else there- please god don't let the no sex thing happen until my 70's! I dunno- I'm an idiot, he's an idiot.