Kathleen2260 Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 This isn't about infidelity but rather the after-effects of it. A little over 2 years ago my SO sort of had an EA with a married ex of his. He spent some time with her, talked on the phone to her quite often and wrote a letter to her which he gave her telling her how much he wanted to be with her adn how he thought about her all the time. She did not return his affections and instead began dating one of his close friends instead (and yes she was still married) We have worked things out and are closer (or so I thought) than we've ever been. He seems totally committed to me and puts a lot of effort into our relationship. He has had NO contact with her since I discovered his interest in her. I've witnessed him blow her off when she tried to talk to him. Yet there is still a tiny part of me that is very insecure and I fear that if he ran into her somewhere and she pursued him at the most they would become friends again adn that would devastate me. He says he will never talk to her again but because he's decieved me in the past I wonder if he would talk to her if she stopped by where he hangs out. He is a volunteer fireman and she has been having an affair with the fire chief (my SO's friend) for the last two years or so I thought. I always worry a little bit when my SO attends functions at the fire dept because there is the possiblity of my SO running into the married ex there since she is having an affair with the chief. One of my SO's "friends" offered to keep an eye on him (I didn't ask he just offers info on whether or not the ex is there) I made the mistake of telling my SO this and he was furious that one of his buddies would keep an eye on him and tried to get me to tell him who it was. Anyhow my SO knows that every week when he goes to teh fire station I worry he will run into his married ex (though he hasn't in over a year) and I get a little stressed out and I always end up asking him "was she there?" and it annoys him at times because it has been two years and he feels he's proven himself. We have been getting along really well lately and he's been very sweet and supportive and done a lot of nice things for me. This weekend I had to have my wisdom teeth removed (ouch!) and was in a lot of pain and moody and my SO and I were arguing over something stupid (we went to the bank and I didnt' bring his money in the house afterward because I put it in his glove compartment and forgot about it. He got snippy with me saying "how nice you couldnt even bring something in for me" and I got mad because I didn't feel good and snapped at him "leave me the f*ck alone!" and he got upset. Anyway during the argument I somehow brought up the past (his married ex) which i havent done in about six months and he said oh well she's not dating Ben (the fire chief) anymore and that she was getting a divorce and had left her husband to move in with some guy she met who was married with an 8mth old baby. He said that his friend (the fire chief his ex was havign the affair with) told him all this about two months ago. and that she was living out of state now with this married guy who was getting a divorce an she too was getting a divorce. So basically this means that there would be no chance of my SO running into her at the fire station since she is living out of state and no longer dating his friend. yet he NEVER told me this. Had, he given me this info then I wouldnt' have worried at all when he went to hang otu with his buddies. I asked why he withheld this info from me since he knew that it still bugged me and made me worry a little bit and his response was "so what" he said he didn't tell me because he wanted to see if his 'friend" who used to tell me what he was up to would tell me this info so he could figure out who it was. Since I was unaware of this new development he concluded that the "friend" was no longer telling me information. Is this a cruel thing for him to do? I mean why wouldn't he share the information that the ex OW (sort of) had left the area? Instead of playing this childish game of trying to figure out who had once ratted him out? I thought we were making so much progress and I felt secure in our relationship. Yet after this I just feel like he is being secretive with me and I don't appreciate it. Am I over reacting?
FireandIce Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Well until you said he told you that he didn't say anything because he wanted to catch whatever friend was giving you info I would have thought he just didn't bring it up because he didn't want to discuss the past again. He knows it gets you upset when you think about it so maybe that's why he didn't say anything. If everything else is going well then I wouldn't make a big deal about this.
Frances Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Had, he given me this info then I wouldnt' have worried at all when he went to hang otu with his buddies. I asked why he withheld this info from me since he knew that it still bugged me and made me worry a little bit and his response was "so what" he said he didn't tell me because he wanted to see if his 'friend" who used to tell me what he was up to would tell me this info so he could figure out who it was. Since I was unaware of this new development he concluded that the "friend" was no longer telling me information. Is this a cruel thing for him to do? I mean why wouldn't he share the information that the ex OW (sort of) had left the area? Instead of playing this childish game of trying to figure out who had once ratted him out? I expect he did not like the fact that you had someone spying on him. Would you like someone spying on you? I am not saying I would not have done the same thing but why did he have to know that you had someone keeping an eye on him? I thought we were making so much progress and I felt secure in our relationship. Yet after this I just feel like he is being secretive with me and I don't appreciate it. Am I over reacting? He does not want to bring it up as he knows it hurts you. Men think if you do not talk about it that you are not worrying about it which of course is not true. Kind of like "Out of sight out of Mind"
LakesideDream Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 You "somehow brought up past (his married ex). Somehow, meaning by accident? Your whole post dwells on the "past" from the title, to the last paragraph. Your involving his friends and co-workers in surveilance on him is pretty "over the top" don't you think? Are you sure you aren't having an "EA" with one of them? All in all I think you would be happier if you moved on, finding yourself a guy without a past. You've written to many chapters in your SO's "book of wrongs".
Author Kathleen2260 Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 I didn't go to his friend and ask him to spy on my SO. HE came to me because at the time he didn't agree with what my SO was doing to me. (Lying chasing his ex around) So he told me he'd keep an eye on him and let me know if he was talking to his ex anymore. I dont call him for updates, I don't see him, every once in awhile he calls to see what I"m up to. I'm talking maybe once every six months. I actually havent' talked to him in about a year now. As for why don't I leave my SO and find someone else. Well we have a lot of history and have tried very hard to work things out. If I met someone new they would probably end up being some type of unfaithful eventually because it seems that fidelity isn't taken seriously by many people. Every single one of my friends, family members etc have had some type of infidelity in their lives in the last few years. So its unfortunately a very common thing and thats no excuse but I"m just saying if I leave him and find someone else the odds are good that it will happen again so why not work with what I have. Plus I really care about him. I'm just upset that he didn't share this information with me for his own selfish reasons.
jmargel Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 You "somehow brought up past (his married ex). Somehow, meaning by accident? Your whole post dwells on the "past" from the title, to the last paragraph. Your involving his friends and co-workers in surveilance on him is pretty "over the top" don't you think? Are you sure you aren't having an "EA" with one of them? All in all I think you would be happier if you moved on, finding yourself a guy without a past. You've written to many chapters in your SO's "book of wrongs". I call total bull**** on your reply. It was HIS doing on cheating on her with this ex. This is one of the consequences he needs to face for what he's done. He put Kathleen into feeling this way. As long as he hides stuff it will just bring back bad memories on what happened. I still go through that with my wife, the littlest of lies or 'hiding of truths' are momumental now since the trust is still not there 100% and it's been two years for me as well. Kathleen don't take any BS from this guy. He might have put you into this position once before but you need to stand up to him to make sure that the next time he faces the ultimate consequence which is you leaving. He still is dangling this other chick over your head by her being involved in your lives even if it's through a friend. Best advice I would give is to just tell him "I'm done with this, you will no longer drag me through the mud or hold this chick over my head, you can have her". Then just go no contact for a few days, if best just leave for the weekend. Make him really think that he's lost you. Words are meaningless unless action is put behind them. That's why you are insecure right now, it's because you don't trust him 100% and honestly I don't think a person can ever do that after infelidity.
Author Kathleen2260 Posted June 8, 2007 Author Posted June 8, 2007 So now I realize I dont trust him like I thought I did. Its not the fact that its about HER (the almost-OW I call her) its been 2 years of no contact. And the fact that he has stuck to no contact says a lot because he used to be good friends with this ex for many years. He was friends with her before he even started dating me and we even went to her wedding. She always invited us to her parties and they would talk occassionally. Since she was an ex (been there done that), married (taken) and not very attractive I had thought I had nothing to worry about as far as their friendship. But that is the past and I'm trying to work on the present. Things were going well in the trust department until recently when he withheld the information that the ex (that I always worried about him running into because she was having an affair with his close friend) had left her husband, wrecked someone else's marriage (her new boyfriend is married with an 8 month old daughter) and moved out of state. This information would have comforted me because if she moved out of the area there is no change of my SO running into her. He proved that he can and will ignore her once already because he ran into her at the store (our friend was with him and I trust this friend completely) and our friend didnt' know who the ex was and my SO ignored her even though she came up to him and tried to talk to him three times. He just acted like she wasn't there and started talking to our friend. Our friend thought it was weird that he wouldnt' acknowldege the woman's presence so he asked my SO about it after she got the hint and walked away. They both told me the story when they came home. So I am confident that he has no interest in her and doesn't even care that he can no longer talk to her. but the fact that he hid the information that she moved out of state still bothers me. Also whenever he hangs out with the guys at his fire station they always bring up the ex (because his close friend had been having an affair with her) and somehow it is mentioned what she is up to. i just dont' see why he felt the need to keep this information from me (other than for his own selfish reasons. We had been doing so well and I know this is just a little thing but it just made the wound that was almost healed start to ache and bleed again. Yesterday I was so anxious that I couldnt' sit still and I was having what felt like panic attacks (getting dizzy, short of breath, shaking). I know its been two years and its time to let this go (adn I thought I had!) but just the fact that he hid something from me just shattered the trust all over again.
silktricks Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 just the fact that he hid something from me just shattered the trust all over again. That is indeed the problem. And that is the problem that you need to talk over with him. He needs to understand how scared you are of being deceived, and how important being totally straight all the time is. By the way, his "buddy" who would call to report on him - he wasn't really a friend to either of you. No one wants to be spied on, so he was a friend of your guy. And it sounds to me, like maybe he was more interested in you than he was willing to let on. It's good that you didn't call him, as it sounds like his interest has died away. . .
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