IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 I honestly cannot believe that so many women are chiming in on this, the men I understand. Here is the logic as I see it. If I came to you and said I don't know how to turn my H or get him up, that I have tried everything, he comes home to a clean house and dinner on the table and kids that are taken care of and he knows I'll happily put out but he's still not getting hard..... you would explain to me that while he may or may not appreciate those things they won't turn him on any more than I get all hot when he puts his check in hte bank. You would explain to me that men require visual stimulation and tactile stimulation to become aroused. So in order to get him aroused then I need to look like a barbie and perform feats of a circus geek. Cool I can live with that even though, not being a man I don't actually understand it. Now take what I do know and have since grade school accepted that if A+B=C then C-A=B or C-B=A. Then if it takes that to get him up and he goes soft then somewhere in my head I'm thinking that I'm failing in one of these areas. When Mr. Happy gets droopy on me it hurts my feelings. I am an RN, I UNDERSTAND the physiology behind it, but because of other things I also know to be true, yea, it gets under my skin. Does it make me mad, only when my H proceeds to try and USE Mr. limpy because THAT hurts, physically. Does it cause doubt? I don't know. The poster tells us that this happened during the sex act but he doesn't tell us how he handled it. Did he say, lets try again tomorrow? Did he say, try it like this to make it better, did he blame HER for not being able to get Mr. Droopy in. If I'm an hour or two into sex and things go south then I'ld rather pick up where we left off in the morning, not spend an additional 20 minutes trying to raise the dead and start from the begining because I loose it then. Had he been drinking? If she is mad or hurt (do we not respond to these very much the same, I know that men do) over this and he doesn't see past his OWN ego to take care of it then there will be alot less sex going on. See while men are visual and physical, women are cerebral. Foreplay for a woman starts well before you ever touch her. To get a woman hot or "up" you need to make her feel desired and you need to do it without using your words or touching her ass. All men instinctively "know" this because let the fittest and the finest of our gender approach you and you light up like a light bulb, you show her you are attracted by how you act toward her and look at her. That is what gets a woman started, without it it's like trying to start a car without the key. Learn to do that and your woman will be scouring the net for circus geek acts to impress you. Unfortunately though MR. Droopy does not project desire for her. I think it was stargazer that said how many MM claim to no longer be attracted to their wives, but you can bet that if there is noone else in the picture that they are still sleeping with them. I willingness to have sex does not project desire for HER. Mr. droopy does not project desire for HER. Why are her feelings not taken into consideration here. She's trying to please her husband and her feelings are hurt because of something you are saying is out of her control (but yet you suggest how she could have FIXED it), and she is a heartless insensitive bitch??????? Come on! Just out of curiousity OP how many times a week do you and your wife enjoy sex. The fact that you are using Cialis which works for about 72 hours tells me you must be one of those men whose wife puts out most every day, otherwise Viagra would be cheaper and make more sense.
Ladyjane14 Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Her anger assumes that the "problem" is something that he wanted to happen or had control over. I don't think either is the case... I don't think he gave us enough information to make that assumption. We've seen quite a few women posting here who have legitimate complaints about their partner's impotence. In those cases, their partner did have some control over it. We've had women in here who've complained their husbands weren't treating or managing their ED effectively, and women who feel that their man has become unresponsive through overuse of porn and self-stimulation. As IWWH pointed out, there are some women dealing with men who use alcohol to excess and so can't perform. A man on anti-depressant medication who wasn't following up with his doctor regularly and managing sexual side effects when possible might get an earful on this subject, and rightfully so. There could be lots of emotional factors as well. For example, a man's previous infidelity would cause a wife to lose her sense of humor TOTALLY if he was unable to perform with her. And as IWWH has said, we don't know how the OP is dealing with these episodes when they occur so we don't know if the wife is emotionally reactive to whatever's going on after the fact. All in all, it's possible that the OP's wife might just be a great big b*tch... but truly, I don't think he's given us enough info to make a call on that.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 IWWH, why do you assume he comes home to a clean house and dinner on the table? And why do you assume it's a problem with his not being aroused? There may be a physiological or even a psychological problem that he just can't put his finger on, and she's just rippin' on the poor guy with not one iota of understanding or concern for how HE feels. That is NOT going to help. She is making it all one sided - like it's all his fault. She is getting angry. I call BS on this gal's behavior. BIG time. I never assumed anything about his house??? And I said that it is NORMAL for her to assume that he is not being aroused. No, I don't believe that she is making it his fault, she feels like its her fault and is hurt by it and for THAT you call bs. The point I was making is that we don't exactly understand HOW the opposite gender feels about these things. We base our actions and feelings on what we BELIEVE they feel... that was the point of this... If I came to you and said I don't know how to turn my H or get him up, that I have tried everything, he comes home to a clean house and dinner on the table and kids that are taken care of and he knows I'll happily put out but he's still not getting hard..... you would explain to me that while he may or may not appreciate those things they won't turn him on any more than I get all hot when he puts his check in hte bank. If a woman has spent anytime trying to figure out how to turn a man on and has come up with the fact that it is indeed a physical or tactile stimulation from her that does that then she will feel responsible for his "hard on". If she does then it makes sense that she is also responsible for his "flat". IT IS UNDERSTANDABLE THAT SHE WILL FEEL THIS WAY. The only thing I assume actually is that this man has a pretty healthy sex life if he's using Cialis over Viagra. It costs 3 times as much and lasts 12-15 times as long.
marlena Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 I kinda have to agree with the above. There have been no statements here about COMMUNICATION between them - you're all just assuming she's this insensitive biatch. Couldn't agree more! How the man handles the situation is a determining factor! I've had this happen to me before, and it hurt my feelings. He would basically just stop whatever we were doing, 'give up' so to speak. No efforts to continue the play-time in other ways (of which there are many!), or to reassure me that limpy wasn't my fault. He'd get out of bed and move on as though he had just finished reading the paper, leaving me there naked, unsatisfied, and feeling very insecure. It wasn't until 5 or 6 tries later that he basically was like, "Oh yeah, this happens all the time, hope you can deal." This was my experience precisely. He got up, zipped his pants and said, "Win a few, lose a few"! I was in the living room trying to calm my nerves with a cig when he said that! I blew my top and asked him to leave. All I really wanted was a hug and a desire on his part to communicate with me reagarding the problem. I would have been very understanding had he done so! I would have discussed ways we could get around the problem. It was this selfish and cruel dismissal that hurt me more than his inability to "stand up" to the occassion. See, when a guy doesn't express that it's a physical 'malfunction' and doesn't have anything to do with the woman, it's pretty damn easy for a woman's feelings to get hurt because it's our understanding that the lack of a hardon means that he's not attracted. Thinking someone's not attracted to you while you're rolling around with them naked ain't fun. No, Stargazer!! Not a bit of fun! Especially when he shirks it all off nonchalantly as if to say, "Well, deal with it", completely oblivious to your feelings and hurt womanhood!!! Yes, just like males, we too can take offense to physical rejection!
Topper Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 We all need to remind ourselves that the real lesson here is better communication. In situations like this men and woman are very variable. Each is in their own head thinking rejection and That automatically instigates physiological barriers going up. She is feeling sad lonely. She is thinking her sense of worth as a sexual woman is in question. He is feeling like less of a man. A failure at the core of his masculinity. In the moment it is hard to take down those Barriers. It is hard to swallow your pride, put your own feeling aside and try to get into the head of the other person. I hope that i can be man enough to follow my own advice here. This has happened to me in the past. At the time neither she or I handled it well. If it should happen again and I'm sure at some point it will. I do want to at least try to have some understanding of her feelings. I would hope that she sees me reaching out and in turn does the same for me.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Good greif, I am talking about NOONES homelife my point was that just because she/any woman might not understand what gets him down or gets him up or what is going on that doesn't prevent her feelings from being hurt or searching for a "reason". My point is that between the genders there is a lot of misunderstanding. That said, how do YOU know how SHE shows hurt. Are tears the only way SHE shows hurt, because we are talking about them right. So what, you are assuming that she acted this way because she was angry the sex was interupted??? Also, she didn't give him the cold shoulder for three days. He posts that this happened last night (night before he posts). He said she usually gives him the cold shoulder for a couple of days, and what exactly does that mean to YOU? To me it means she brooding, maybe doesn't care to have a repeat performance but could be very different. Good greif, why the strong reaction to my opinion.
Author WhatJustHappened Posted June 5, 2007 Author Posted June 5, 2007 Ok, I see I left a partial picture, so here is how it goes when I fail: We start making love, I get hard and turned on during foreplay. I go to go in, and I have my mental fingers crossed hoping I stay hard, and I then go from hard to semi-hard. I then start to worry and think "Oh sh*t!!". I then try to stay hard, and I know what's coming .. She stops. And glares at me. She says "What's wrong?" I reply "I don't know!" She pushes me off and says "What's wrong?" (She's pissed now) I try and explain that it has nothing to do with her and that I feel turned on, but that my d*ck just went flat for now. I tell her that this happens to people occasionally. I'm almost 45, so it can happen. But she rolls her eyes. I assure her that I'll be fine if we just keep on. She half-heartedly tries, but she has a sceptical, disgusted look on her face. I try to perform oral or manual with her, but she pushes me away saying she doesn't want any of "that". She gets up and puts her PJ's back on and the freeze begins. The problem I'm having is that lovemaking with us has become somewhat of a stressful act because of this. If it goes well, it's good, but if it doesn't, there's hell to pay. The reason I like Cialis is that I can't tell when we'll have a chance to make love, so I like to be ready. Viagra is ok, but it takes 45 minutes to do anything and it doesn't work too well after a big dinner.
Mr. Lucky Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 So in order to get him aroused then I need to look like a barbie and perform feats of a circus geek. Your attitude and resentment shine through loud and clear. I'm not sure what personal anger you are projecting onto this situation, but it doesn't have much to do with the OP's problem... Mr. Lucky
Scrivdog Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 You sound like you've developed a case of performance anxiety. Google it. Your wife sounds like a real gem.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 that was an attempt at humor ... I have no personal anger, just feel that his wife is being misunderstood by posters who call her a insensitive bitch because of her reaction to something that is a pretty typical problem.
Reckless Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 what is going through his wives head at the time or during a "freeze-out" is really neither here nor there - they have a problem and who's to "blame" is not constructive. From what WJHappened, a few things are perfectly obvious: The BOTH need to educate themselves about the problem: WJH first thing to do is do a google WITH YOUR WIFE read up together with what could be the causes (wouldn't hurt to be checked out by a GP) and what, if it is performance anxiety you can BOTH do to see that it doesn't get worse. That they clearly are not communicating: her anger/hurt and frustration is being bottled up and his fear/anxiety and hurt is not being communicated to anyone but loveshackers. They are not treating each other with excellence. Sure she comes over as a total b*tch but remember mad is hurt with boxing gloves on; offering to finish off orally although would relieve the physical frustration doesn't ally her fears and insecurities. Bottom line is unless they sit down outside the bedroom and tackle the ISSUES and come up with a workable plan of action (whether it's eventually pills or yoga or whatever), his anxiety and her hurt/anger will continue to build.
Sobri821 Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 I think the stress of keeping it up is not helping you keep it up. Though I can understand your wife being frustrated in the moment, being all ready to go and BAM it's gone. However, she should realize that being angry and making you feel a certain way is in NO WAY HELPING the situation. It only make things worse and can eventually mess you up when it comes to having sex with her even more. She needs to be more supportive. Try a little experiment... Watch porn when she is not around and see if you get and stay erect. Maybe the problem started as your problem, but because of the wasy she reacts, the problem may have shifted to her
Sobri821 Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Also, why don't you just pleasure her in some other way?
DutchGuy Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Maybe not a reaction you expect but... If this problem keeps occurring you should see a doctor. One of the first signs of cardiovascular complications is erectile failure. Especially if you are a smoker,obese and/or are under a lot of stress. I'm dead serious.
Ladyjane14 Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Your attitude and resentment shine through loud and clear. I'm not sure what personal anger you are projecting onto this situation, but it doesn't have much to do with the OP's problem... Sorry, Mr. Lucky. If someone's "projecting", I don't think it's IWWH. There were quite a few posters who assumed that the OP's wife doesn't have a legitimate reason to be upset or angry. We haven't had her side, and I still haven't seen anything that convinces me that she doesn't have one. Bottom line is that if the OP is having a problem, the onus is on HIM to work it out. If it's performance anxiety as Scriv has suggested, he needs to be proactive in addressing it, whether through individual counseling or sex therapy with his wife. If it's ED, he needs to be working closely with his medical doctor and providing educational materials to his partner. This isn't too much different from what we would tell people whose partners are abstaining from marital sex altogether. We'd recommend that they encourage their partner to seek treatment, either medical or psychological or even a combination of both. After that I think we'd all agree that it's incumbent on the low-libido partner to get it done. I see this as similar to other medical conditions. You don't necessarily have a choice, say.. if you get diabetes. But you do have a choice on how you're going to treat it. If you manage your diet and medications as well as you can, then you're certainly not to blame if your condition worsens. But on the other hand, if you're reliant on someone else to do it for you and not being proactive in your own treatment plan... that's something else. Fact is, we don't know what all is going on here. The OP's wife might feel like her husband isn't doing all that he can, or she might just be plain out-and-out frustrated and acting badly because of it. His best bet is to talk it out with her, and maybe consider counseling if they need help with their communications.
dbtmarley Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Damage is done and you should get an attorney. OK I am kidding, but you might want to start putting some money away for retainer fees and a one bedroom apartment. I would also see a doc if I was you.. like another poster mentioned this could be a serious health issue building.
Sobri821 Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 He offered, and she rejected it. As for the person who mentioned diabetes as an example, you're absolutely right. It is the person's responsibility to deal with it. However, if I were to contract diabetes, I would HOPE that my SO wouldn't bitch at me because I didn't eat ice cream with him. He offered and she refused? I WOULD JUST GET OFF, just from having my SO offer.
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Also, why don't you just pleasure her in some other way? He tried to, but she pushed him off of her. I think this says alot: We start making love, I get hard and turned on during foreplay. I go to go in, and I have my mental fingers crossed hoping I stay hard, and I then go from hard to semi-hard. I then start to worry and think "Oh sh*t!!". I then try to stay hard, and I know what's coming .. Try some mediation, some yoga so your mind will be relaxed. You gotta stop those thoughts, because alot of this could be in your mind. Worrying about, the what if's and how your wife is going to react - THEN it becomes a reality. It just really SUCKS that she's acting pissy about it and making you feel bad. She should tell you it's okay, and just let you go down on her until you feel ready again...And if it doesn't get hard again, so what??? You two will have many years and other times to have great sex. She's making it worse for you, and not having any support or love through this might make it more difficult next time due to her immature reactions. Hang in there and try the yoga and meditation.
Mr. Lucky Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 You gotta stop those thoughts, because alot of this could be in your mind. Worrying about, the what if's and how your wife is going to react - THEN it becomes a reality. Good advice, although I'm not sure how he stops the thoughts when: If it goes well, it's good, but if it doesn't, there's hell to pay. I'd be stressed out too. Bottom line is that if the OP is having a problem, the onus is on HIM to work it out. Ladyjane, I disagree. If my wife and I are having a sexual problem, we BOTH try to work it out. Putting the onus completely on one partner can only lead to hurt and anger - just ask the OP... Mr. Lucky
Ladyjane14 Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Putting the onus completely on one partner can only lead to hurt and anger - just ask the OP... Heck... let's ask his wife. My point is that sometimes it REALLY is the fault of just one partner. We had a lady on the Sexless Marriage thread (if memory serves) who's husband REFUSED to address his ED. Now, I ask you.. is the onus on her? Doesn't she have a RIGHT to be angry about her lack of sexual fulfillment within the marriage? I stand by my opinion. Regardless of which partner we're talking about or what the EN is... everybody needs to be responsible for bringing their own needs to the table. If the OP feels that his wife should have no legitimate complaint with him, that she's maligning him without just cause... he needs to bring his viewpoint to her for discussion and get started on problem resolution. It's not incumbent upon her to chase him down when it's his EN which needs address. IOW, if he wants to have intercourse with her and he's unhappy with her conduct during said intercourse, he needs to take responsibility for introducing negotiations. Likewise, if he isn't doing so already... he needs to take responsibility for fully addressing the ED. We don't know if he's overweight, hypertensive, diabetic, or if he drinks or smokes. We don't know if he's self-stimulating habitually. We don't know if he's had a Doppler study to measure blood flow, or if he's meeting his doctor for regular follow-ups. Quite frankly, there's ALOT we don't know. Let's not try and convict this lady in absentia is what I'm saying. She might have a legitimate ax to grind. I know I would if my husband was symptomatic and not doing his UTMOST to solve the problem. Lord knows, it's his penis afterall. A woman only has so much control over the thing.
dbtmarley Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 If my wife and I are having a sexual problem, we BOTH try to work it out. So true and what I wonder is exactly how will he get her to realize she is not causing the situation any good by adding to the pressure that already is there when it goes soft. The last thing the guy wants is for it to go soft and then she just adds to it by getting pissed. I think any man would be hard pressed to want to have sex with their wife if they knew it could lead to problems for the next few days. Hell you would have to be some sort of masochist to enjoy that and eagerly wait for the next sexcapade. This just sucks.... Dude if I was you I would get some herb! Nothing like getting your freak on after a good joint. You'll be so into it and you'll notice it helps down there also. I had to show this post to my wife.... even she feels bad for you.
Mr. Lucky Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Lord knows, it's his penis afterall. A woman only has so much control over the thing. You'd be surprised how much control a woman has over "the thing" Mr. Lucky
Ladyjane14 Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 You'd be surprised how much control a woman has over "the thing" :laugh::laugh:
BustyAnn Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 OMG I can't believe u made such a terrible mistake and married her. Does she not know that her role as the wife is to take your limp member in her mouth and suck like a Dyson until you are as hard as a rock. I assure you that this works as I have done it hundreds of times. It always leads to such a delicious time. mmmmmmmmmm
Scrivdog Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 We don't know if he's self-stimulating habitually HAAHAHAHH!!! This deserves the golden post of the day! I wonder if the OP is having eyesight problems?
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