guilt_and_regret Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Well my wife finally told me on Friday that she doesn't want to work on things and wants a divorce, and I'm going through absolute hell right now. There are so many powerful emotions--desire, rejection, regret, fear but most of all guilt because this really, truly is almost all my fault. I'm sorry this may be long and involved, but here's some back story. We dated since we were 17, and she was my only girlfriend. We're currently 25. We moved in together when we were 20, and basically right from the start she started doing everything for me. Basically almost all the chores, laundry, dishes, cooking. I'm not sure why it happened like this, but I guess I'm lazy, and I guess we established our roles early on and basically stayed in them. I wish she'd been more assertive or forceful with me, but I guess other than some occasional nagging, she never was. We bought a house at 23 after we'd gotten engaged, and it was basically more of the same except the workload was greatly increased. We got married in June/06, and I suppose ever since then I began to feel trapped by the permanence of marriage and began going out with friends a lot more, and spending less nights at home with her. We sold our house after just over a year because it was too much work, and too expensive. She's told me there were many nights where she'd feel lonely and would cry herself to sleep when I was out, which is so horrible, and I don't know how I'd been so insensitive to it at the time. Basically, I never appreciated what a great woman I had, and took her for granted every step of the way. She says she felt inadequate, and not special in my eyes, and I have no reason to doubt she really did feel that way. I think part of me wasn't ready to grow up so quickly and buy a house, get married, etc. but she was very goal oriented so I went along with her plan semi-against my will, mostly because I was scared to lose her. Also she really didn't have many friends and relied on mine for most of her socializing. I think I also felt somewhat robbed of being with other people, and having other partners for comparison (obviously not her fault). I guess I built up some resentment over everything, and we grew apart somewhat as a result. Things got really bad, including an awkward vacation in February where we fought constantly in front of our friends, and in early April I told her I felt we weren't happy, and didn't know if it could be fixed. She waited for me to figure it out, and ultimately moved out to give us space. During this time we basically acknowledged that a lot of why we got married and didn't confront our issues was that we were both terrified of losing one another and being alone. Well, I told her I wanted to try, and we started spending a lot of time together, but one day she just said she'd had enough and didn't want to do this anymore. The threat of losing her made me really think long and hard about our relationship and how awful I had been and I apologized profusely, told her I recognized how terrible I had been to her and vowed to commit myself to changing with everything I had. After 2 weeks and 2 counselling sessions, she told me it was too little too late and she wanted a divorce. I really can't blame her. Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of good times together, and we really did have a strong connection and loved each other so much, but I guess it wasn't enough in this case. So now here I am, able to finally see clearly what an absolutely horrible partner I was to her at times, filled with guilt so intense I can barely function. I miss her more than everything, and all I can think of is that sometimes you don't know what you got 'til it's gone. I know this is a learning experience, and a maturing experience, and I'll never, ever be the same in future relationships, but how can I possibly forgive myself for being so ignorant and awful to the person that I've always loved so deeply? I can only tell myself I was immature and didn't know how to do relationships so many times before I stop believing it. Were we just too young, incompatible, inexperienced? How do I deal with this? I miss her SO much I'm sick.
polywog Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 I'm sorry that you are having to go through this . All the pain, and the regrets... When I read your post, I can't help thinking that it's inexperience. And it sounds like you've learned from it, unlike some people who love to blame their partner for everything. That says everything to me about your potential as a great person, and a great partner.
sumdude Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 You two are pretty young. If you don't see a long future together and both don't want to work at it there's not much you can do. You'll be fine. It'll take some time to heal from it and you have your whole life ahead of you. Take your time and don't jump into any big relationships for a while. Work on your own life, goals, self improvement. As long as you've really learned something about yourself then life will get better. Know thyself and the rest will follow.
notspiritual Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 She was probably not a good communicator as you don't seem to have understood her needs. Also, she was unforgiving when you admitted your mistakes and were committed to change. So don’t take 100% of the blame on you.
Author guilt_and_regret Posted June 4, 2007 Author Posted June 4, 2007 I can barely function normally at this point - it's nothing but anguish, every minute of the day. Do you think there's any point in calling her and trying one last time to apologize and explain that I now know for the first time what I need to do to be a good husband to her? Or is it pointless since she seemed pretty firm in her decision, and said that she'd call me on June 15 to discuss our apartment, car, cats, etc.? I would give anything to have her back, but realistically it's not incredibly likely, even though she was crying and telling me that she'll always love me when giving me the bad news.
sumdude Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 I can barely function normally at this point - it's nothing but anguish, every minute of the day. Do you think there's any point in calling her and trying one last time to apologize and explain that I now know for the first time what I need to do to be a good husband to her? Or is it pointless since she seemed pretty firm in her decision, and said that she'd call me on June 15 to discuss our apartment, car, cats, etc.? I would give anything to have her back, but realistically it's not incredibly likely, even though she was crying and telling me that she'll always love me when giving me the bad news. Well, they say that begging, pleading, reasoning and professing your love usually pushes them away. Makes you look too needy. Best bet is to look strong and ready to go on with life.
Woggle Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Don't blame yourself and let it get you depressed. Life goes on without her and in a few years you will barely even care. You are only 25 so thetre is a whole life ahead of you with many more expeiences and many more women. Just let it go and move on.
sumdude Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Don't blame yourself and let it get you depressed. Life goes on without her and in a few years you will barely even care. You are only 25 so thetre is a whole life ahead of you with many more expeiences and many more women. Just let it go and move on. I totally agree.... take responsibility for any mistakes, learn from them, forgive yourself and move on. No one is perfect and remember it almost always takes two to ruin a marriage.
jmargel Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 I've been on these boards for 3-4 years now and from my own personal experience I kinda know what works and what doesnt. Calling her over & over, pleading, begging.. won't work. It's because from her side of things you are still thinking about yourself in that you want her back but you don't care about what SHE wants. Alot of the problems you two had stemmed from communication issues. Everyone can improve on that no matter how long they are married. So, the #1 rule about communicating better is LISTENING. If you at least get her to communicate with you then you have her on the right track on resolving this. My best answer to this would be to write her a letter. Don't fluff it up with a hundred 'I love you's' or begging for her back. When you give her this letter just give her a smile and walk away. Don't be there while she reads it. At the end of the this post I'll write what I think would be best as a letter. You also need to continue counseling for yourself. And when you do eventually talk to her, let her talk. Even if it's things that you don't want to hear or that you feel disappointed in. Don't try to agrue or try to give reasons on why she shouldn't feel a certain way. If you answer her with 'I understand' you will shut down alot of her defenses and you will give her the ability to open up more. From her point of view I can understand what she was going through, my wife kind of did the same thing to me. Emotionally she wasn't there and I felt like I married someone other than the person I fell in love with. It really sucks to feel deceived and not loved by the person who vows this to you. Anyway, here's the letter I would write. Let her make the next move then. Allow her to control what happens next. This is something she deserves. She has to WANT that wanting feeling back for you. Treat her like you would a scared cat. If you approach it too fast or too many times you'll scare it off. Let her know you love her and that you will be ready to listen when she's ready to talk about things. Letter: My Beloved Wife, You are the most important person in my life and though I have not shown it, the situation that we are in now has really opened up my eyes to the immaturity that I have shown you. Though I know I have hurt you my intentions were never for you to feel this way. I am sorry for the hurt and pain that I have caused and would love nothing more than to fix myself and show you the love you deserve. However that is something you have to decide. If anything, this has shown me how selfish I have been and I won't show that selfish behavior by begging for you back if you don't want to be with me. Though I have not been the best husband or partner I want you to know that when you are ready to talk I will listen. I will accept any decision you give me, even though if you decide to end the marriage I will have to accept my consequences and am I just starting to deal with the guilt on how I made you feel. I was not showing you the man you fell in love with, the man you married. I want to learn how to communicate better and I hope that is something I can do with you. I know deep in my heart we can get through this and I hope somewhere deep inside you feel this as well. I will continue to goto counseling and would hope you can still keep going with me. However that is totally your choice. Above everything else that is going on, your happiness is the most important thing to me, no matter what you decide. When you are ready, I will be here to listen. Love, xxxx
meleeda Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 I have read your story and truly enjoyed hearing from a mans point of view what you guys go through which gives me hope. I am also going through a separation and my ex is doing exactly what you sayand feel and went through. He said I nagged also because he is lazzy also and if I wanted things to be done I always had to ask him to do it. Ie: he would shave and leave the sink full, he would sit in front of the TV and have a carpet pick nick and then leave the mess for me to pick up. I did everything for him, laundry cooking etc. I know that one day he will be calling or knocking on my door again. Other than the nagging he could not come up with anything else that he was annoyed with. We shared a great sex life and he told me stories of how me materbated thinking about the things we did when I was not around. I am beautiful inside and out, very secure and not jealous. I have men ask me out all the time, but until my heart is hole again I will not move on. When that day comes he may or may not loose me, its all up to him.
Author guilt_and_regret Posted June 10, 2007 Author Posted June 10, 2007 She has made a point of communicating to me indirectly, via friends and the internet, that's she's 100% positive in her decision and very happy. So I guess the shred of denial I've been hanging onto to get through this is now completely gone....and I'm faced with the cold reality that she's never going to love me again, I'm never going to hold her, kiss her....anything. It's the emptiest feeling I've ever known, I feel like I'm missing a limb or something. I think about it constantly, either remembering things I screwed up that I could have done differently, or really happy and romantic times. Both are equally torturesome. Going out with friends and family helps a little bit, but not that much. How do I start to get over this?? I'm so depressed and all I want is another chance to try it again. How could I ever take her for granted, why didn't I think of how life would feel without her near me ever again?? I'm miserable.
sumdude Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 She has made a point of communicating to me indirectly, via friends and the internet, that's she's 100% positive in her decision and very happy. So I guess the shred of denial I've been hanging onto to get through this is now completely gone....and I'm faced with the cold reality that she's never going to love me again, I'm never going to hold her, kiss her....anything. It's the emptiest feeling I've ever known, I feel like I'm missing a limb or something. I think about it constantly, either remembering things I screwed up that I could have done differently, or really happy and romantic times. Both are equally torturesome. Going out with friends and family helps a little bit, but not that much. How do I start to get over this?? I'm so depressed and all I want is another chance to try it again. How could I ever take her for granted, why didn't I think of how life would feel without her near me ever again?? I'm miserable. G & R .... I've been where you are, a lot of us here have. I feel for you. Essentially you have two choices. Live in the past wishing you could change it, which you can't. -OR- Live in the present and make it the best you can. It's all about what you actually have control over. Which is only yourself and no one else. You will go through the grieving process .. understand that it will happen and it's natural. Let it happen, go ahead and pour it out, the sooner you do it the faster you'll heal. Accept the situation ... it's over. Cut all contact with her that you can including mutual freinds where possible. You have to push yourself to rebuild your life. No one is going to do that for you. I wish there was an easier answer but there simply isn't. I'm close to 5 months down the road ... it's better by a long shot. Still occasional bad days and moments but hardly anything like the first weeks.
jmargel Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 Look up the 5 stages of grief, that is what you are going through right now. You need to be concerned that this doesn't develop into a worse situation. You already said you are depressed, please see a doctor regarding this, along with a counselor. I have been there myself, I was engaged soon to be married to someone when she left. I felt that feeling, like you are in a dark tunnel with no light at the end. The worse feeling in the world is the feeling of hopelessness. Mine went untreated and I became suicidal at one point. That is a position that you never, ever want to put yourself in, however it creeps up on you in situations like this. You need to really force yourself not to fall into this ditch. It's now time to start making short-term goals for yourself, and to start taking control of your life.
Author guilt_and_regret Posted June 11, 2007 Author Posted June 11, 2007 Thanks guys, I know what I need to do. But it just feels like each day is somehow actually getting worse. It's been 10 days, and today I broke down crying while reading old love notes we sent each other back in 2001...just sobbed. It seems so unfathomable to me that we're never going to be in each other's lives again. We've been together since we were so young, that I just totally took the relationship for granted. Isn't it cruel that when I finally wake up and realize what I need to do to make the relationship work, that's the exact moment she decides it's too late and she doesn't care? I try to think about the future, but everytime I remember some nice little time we had together it cripples me. I'm seeing a counsellor and have a dcotor's appt in 2 days, I'm just trying to hang on until then. It just feels like there should be SOME way to tap into the emotions she used to feel for me, I can't believe they'd just be totally dead. I hate life right now, I'd do anything to not have this happen.
sumdude Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 Thanks guys, I know what I need to do. But it just feels like each day is somehow actually getting worse. It's been 10 days, and today I broke down crying while reading old love notes we sent each other back in 2001...just sobbed. It seems so unfathomable to me that we're never going to be in each other's lives again. We've been together since we were so young, that I just totally took the relationship for granted. Isn't it cruel that when I finally wake up and realize what I need to do to make the relationship work, that's the exact moment she decides it's too late and she doesn't care? I try to think about the future, but everytime I remember some nice little time we had together it cripples me. I'm seeing a counsellor and have a dcotor's appt in 2 days, I'm just trying to hang on until then. It just feels like there should be SOME way to tap into the emotions she used to feel for me, I can't believe they'd just be totally dead. I hate life right now, I'd do anything to not have this happen. I know man .... it happened the same way with me... just hang on, it'll be better day by day. The thing that helps me the most is getting a good daily burst of exercise. At least half an hour to an hour of sweating and breathing hard. Biking, running, liftuing whatever works. Gets more oxygen into your brain and releases endorphins that help a lot with the depression. Clears the mind for a while too. Also keepo in mind, you made your mistakes but it usually takes two poeple to wreck a relationship.
dbtmarley Posted June 11, 2007 Posted June 11, 2007 Be careful man... Sometimes when our woman breaks up with us we have a habit of putting them on pedestals... Don't keep blaming yourself.... learn from the mistakes you are aware you've made and move on.
Author guilt_and_regret Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 I know I'm idealizing and romanticizing her and the relationship....but I just feel at this point I don't care about why I feel the way I do, I just want her back more than anything and each day is harder to take. She e-mailed me one month ago saying that she really loved me and wanted things to work out so badly, and she knew I did too and that's why it would happen. Now, she's so far from even considering it. I just want to die sometimes, life shouldn't feel like this.
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