Jdancer21 Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Here's the thing, In case anyone doesn't know I lost 120 lbs in a 3 year radius. I basically lost the weight because men just weren't attracted to me period and I felt that this was the only thing that was going to attract me to them (at the time). Somehow my weight always comes up whenever I meet a guy... and it's not that they ask, but it's because I always bring it up in ways like this. "yes, I run, that's how I lost 120lbs" "I want to become a personal trainer as well an an opera singer. I lost 120lbs,and I feel like I can help someone" -or in more blatant terms "Do you think i'm fat? No? Phew, thanks I lost 120lbs and there are some guys that still think i am fat" Granted that there ARE some guys who think i'm still fat. So why are you telling guys this? Because like IO said there are some guys that will give me this look of "Hmmm, she's kinda on the large side" and the way I see it, if I mention that I had lost weight, especially a big amount like that, then they can't really say anything.. or at least AS much. I also think that I get personal too quick when it comes to mentioning my motives for losing weight. Of course with losing that much, guys and everyone else for that matter always ask "Well what made you want to lose that much weight" and I basically give them THE WHOLE STORY on how men are so superficial and that I lost weight so I could get men to like me more and to get a boyfriend? Is it bad to be that honest so quickly? My friend, who tells the truth and by truth I mean the WHOLE truth and she told me : "When you tell them that, more than likely, they are thinking She used to not care about herself, she'll probably do it again, women have a tendency to let themselves ago after getting in a relationship" is there truth in that. Is telling guys your past in terms of appearance too soon a bad thing?
Lizzie60 Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Is telling guys your past in terms of appearance too soon a bad thing? I think telling a guy your past IS a bad thing...period.
Art_Critic Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 I think telling a guy you are just dating how much weight you have lost is a bad thing. Here is some honesty coming your way.. The first thing a guy is going to think is that if she lost 120lbs and the stigma is that you always gain it back then they guy is automatically going to think you will be heavier in the future. By telling him this too early you are shooting yourself in the foot.. and no it isn't dishonest.. I never said lie. If someone I started to date knew what my marriage was like before I divorced then they might hold that against me.. Considering I was physically abused in my marriage a girl might think I was really the one that was abusive and it isn't true. I learned from a short 5 month relationship to not tell about my marriage and the abuse that I went thru.. as it came back up in the breakup.. She brought every little thing back into the breakup and used that info against me to hurt me. She then used that info to blame me for things beyond my control. Just keep this info to yourself until you meet someone that you trust enough to tell your secrets too.
Topper Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Here's the thing, In case anyone doesn't know I lost 120 lbs in a 3 year radius. I basically lost the weight because men just weren't attracted to me period and I felt that this was the only thing that was going to attract me to them (at the time). Somehow my weight always comes up whenever I meet a guy... and it's not that they ask, but it's because I always bring it up in ways like this. "yes, I run, that's how I lost 120lbs" "I want to become a personal trainer as well an an opera singer. I lost 120lbs,and I feel like I can help someone" -or in more blatant terms "Do you think i'm fat? No? Phew, thanks I lost 120lbs and there are some guys that still think i am fat" Granted that there ARE some guys who think i'm still fat. So why are you telling guys this? Because like IO said there are some guys that will give me this look of "Hmmm, she's kinda on the large side" and the way I see it, if I mention that I had lost weight, especially a big amount like that, then they can't really say anything.. or at least AS much. I also think that I get personal too quick when it comes to mentioning my motives for losing weight. Of course with losing that much, guys and everyone else for that matter always ask "Well what made you want to lose that much weight" and I basically give them THE WHOLE STORY on how men are so superficial and that I lost weight so I could get men to like me more and to get a boyfriend? Is it bad to be that honest so quickly? My friend, who tells the truth and by truth I mean the WHOLE truth and she told me : "When you tell them that, more than likely, they are thinking She used to not care about herself, she'll probably do it again, women have a tendency to let themselves ago after getting in a relationship" is there truth in that. Is telling guys your past in terms of appearance too soon a bad thing? First congratulations on losing all that wieght. I wouldn't bring it up untill you had a pretty good idea of the depth of the man you are dating. Once your comfortable have a conversation with him on your overcoming your wieght problem.
polywog Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 First of all, congrats on losing that weight! I agree with Art, there is no good reason to tell someone you are only dating. If you get serious with someone you trust, then it will unfold as part of your past as you get to know each other. It Was part of who you Were, not who you Are.
LuminousZ Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Here's the thing, My friend, who tells the truth and by truth I mean the WHOLE truth and she told me : "When you tell them that, more than likely, they are thinking She used to not care about herself, she'll probably do it again, women have a tendency to let themselves ago after getting in a relationship" is there truth in that. Is telling guys your past in terms of appearance too soon a bad thing? First, I too would like to say CONGRATULATIONS!! You should be very proud of yourself. Next, I disagree with your friends assesment..., To me, losing 120lbs shows great determination and I can appreciate that. As for discussing your past.., To say, "yes, I run, that's how I lost 120lbs" or "I want to become a personal trainer as well an an opera singer. I lost 120lbs, and I feel like I can help someone" is fine but leave it at that. Never, Never, Never use this line again - "Do you think i'm fat? No? Phew, thanks I lost 120lbs and there are some guys that still think i am fat" Please focus on your future, NOT so much what "some guys" may think.
Star Gazer Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Congratulations on losing all that weight! What an accomplishment!! I would refrain from bringing it up into conversation with a guy you've only recently started dating, particularly given the fact that your motivation for losing the weight WAS superficial (to attract men) and had nothing to do with caring about yourself and your health. I do think it's a valid concern for a guy to have that you were once that size, and statistically speaking it will be easy for you to return to that size after you "catch" a man at your thinner size. If you were dedicated to health and fitness and such, it would be different, IMHO. But you're not, so the tendency to backslide is greater. You need to find a man who won't care one way or the other whether you might ultimately get back to where you were, and the only way to find such a man is to get to know him first before disclosing your past.
StartingOver07 Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Congratulations.. I think. I don't understand hwo there can be so little of you in your decision to lose 123 pounds. Weren't you concerned about the health effects of being so overweight? Don't you care how you look and feel just for you? I think you have issues that trascend your question. Anyway, losing weight just so that you can attract a man suggests that you might just gain it back once you've landed him. I'd be very cautious when and how I brought this up.
justpassingthrough Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Keeping that type of a secret from a potential long-term partner forever would be nearly impossible; people have pictures and relatives have mouths. But that could be to your advantage. Honestly, I wouldn't say anything at all. This isn't a social disease and you don't have a duty to inform potential partners. You clearly made a lifestyle choice and regular physical activity is part of it. People who do that are HEALTHY people. By the time he finds out a significant weight loss propelled that lifestyle change it shouldn't matter because you have a different life now. So, why is it that you continue to think of your reason for losing weight as something to disclose, however you don't appear to be telling us your reason for keeping it off. You should have at least one reason. Goals are, indeed, helpful.
Cool Breeze Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Well, she IS interested in becoming a personal trainer, which is definitely related to good health. So it WAS for her health. Also, the ability to attract members of the opposite sex brings happier mental health and higher self-esteem, so it definitely was about her overall health and well-being. When are men giving you the "well, she's kind of large?" look. Are men actually this rude if they see a woman who doesn't fall into their personal category of physical perfection? That's kind of sad. Anyway, I would wait to tell your story. Congratulations! I'm proud of you. If you become serious, or it looks like it's going that way, I might disclose. It might come out when you visit your mom and/or dad's. Are there photos of you around of your former weight? Are friends or family members likely to inadvertently prone to bring up your weight in conversations? I know when I visit a date's parents, cute stories from their childhood, etc. come up.
LN99 Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Congrats on losing all that weight! Whats your secret to how you did it? Anyways, I know what you mean with guys not giving you the time of the day back then. Then suddenly you lose tons of weight and suddenly your attractive. Then there are still the "few" that still think you have a ways to go. Those are the guys that you need to avoid. I think no matter how thin you are, they would still find some imperfections in you. But stick with the guys that seem interested in you just as you are now. And as other people pointed out, its a good thing you did it....but it should be a good thing because you are healthier now. You should do it for yourself above anything else. Just because you are skinnier, doesn't mean you will attract the right kinds of guys always. I found this out..... I lost 70lbs about 5 yrs ago. It was amazing how suddenly I had guys interested in me, where before that I was ignored like the plague. I wasn't really even trying. I had a physically active job and worked full time. So, that job was a blessing in diguise. The sad thing was is that even though I lost that weight, I still was not having luck attracting the guys I was attracted to. I still felt better etc. My self confidence soared! As for bringing up how much you used to weigh to people, don't do it off the bat. I know I had a habit of bringing it up a lot. But when you do get close to someone, then maybe you can share how much you used to weigh and what you went through to lose it so you can be healthier. It is awesome though that you are going to be a personal trainer to help others and inspire them. You certainly inspired me. Just when it comes to your personal life, don't give that info out right away. Wait awhile and then let the guy know. Also, if he doesn't like you as you are now, hes not worth your time.
allina Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 I basically give them THE WHOLE STORY on how men are so superficial and that I lost weight so I could get men to like me more and to get a boyfriend? Is it bad to be that honest so quickly? One thing jumps out at me here, and that is the above statement. Are you saying that you didn't lose the weight to be healthier, more attractive and live longer? Did you really lose 120lbs just so you had a better chance of finding a man? You really shouldn't bring the weight loss up so quickly, I know that you're feeling proud of it but that info is not necessary on the first few dates. It also makes it look as if you're obsessive and only identify yourself as a weight loss story.
directx Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Depends on the guy. I dont know if I would do it on the first day. People judge the harshest until they get to know you better. I for one would be much impressed with anyone saying they lost 120 pounds. But then again I can appreciate it because I too lost quite a bit of weight. And for me, you would actually be a benefit because then I am going with someone I can relate with, understands how weight can be issue, and we could work together on keeping it off. Depends on the guy.
Star Gazer Posted June 5, 2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Well, she IS interested in becoming a personal trainer, which is definitely related to good health. So it WAS for her health. Eh, I disagree. I know several PT's, and they are quite possibly the most UN-healthy people I know. They smoke, do coke, eat poorly... for them, it's much more about vanity. I have to assume her motivation for becoming a PT has nothing to do with overall fitness and health. Also, the ability to attract members of the opposite sex brings happier mental health and higher self-esteem, so it definitely was about her overall health and well-being. You have a very demented view of self-esteem. The ability to think highly of one's self REGARDLESS of the ability to attract the opposite sex through one's appearance is having a good self-esteem. Good self-esteem comes from WITHIN, not from outside validation (men chasing her).
electric_sheep Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 Unfortunately, being judgemental is all too human. When we first meet someone and don't know them very well, a lot of times we end up resorting to stereotypes. As we find out little things about them, we try and fit these facts in with our past experiences with other people, or we try and fit them in with societies stereotypes and assumptions. These stereotypes abound, for better or for worse, and one of them is definitely that anyone who was once overweight will likely be overweight again. Of course, all this stereotyping, judging, and assuming is totally unfair, but almost all of us do it to one degree or another. The real question is are they smart enough, wise enough, and open minded enough to cast away these assumptions as they get to know you better as a person. If not, I wouldn't be interested in being with them anyway. So my advice would be to not necessarily tell them right away, but rather wait until you've developed a little rapport with them. You also don't have to tell them exactly how much weight you've lost, unless you really want to. If at that point you still scare them away, then I think you're better off without them.
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