PoshPrincess Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I believe that a man with "cojones" will do what he has to do. And if he doesn t, it doesn t mean he does not love you...he just can t. It doesn t mean he does not love you enough, it's just that he want s to stay close to his baby but is struggling to keep you, you can recognize the love in their eyes, their tears, the way they react. I agree. I don't think that because a man doesn't leave his kids means he doesn't love his OW enough, the same as I don't agree that a man who DOES leave his family for a OW is a bad father. Everyone is different, has different levels of love and guilt and chooses different ways of coping with things. I DO think that a lot of men want to leave but are very weak. Some just take the 'easy' option, although is it easier to stay with someone who you apparently no longer love, to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of someone elses? Who knows? I left my partner after 8 years and still feel guilty for it, although my son was too young to understand and doesn't remember us all living together. I don't think what I did was brave (as I have been told). I DO feel extremely selfish but I HAD to do it. I think I would have been much braver to stay but I couldn't spend the rest of my life being that unhappy. Of course, it is somewhat different for a man as they don't generally 'get the kids'. M, at the end of the day, no one REALLY knows what your man is truly feeling apart from him although you have a better idea than the rest of us. Only you know him! I wish you lots of luck and the strength to do what you need to do. This man has made some bad choices and, yes, having an A while his partner was pregnant was dishonourable but what's done is done. If he is saying he will NEVER leave then be grateful that he is being honest with you and that he is man enough to face up to his responsibilities. (I would've liked the same level of honesty from my MM although he said he never knew whether he would leave; he felt he couldn't say either way). You have to decide whether you can put up with being the OW. As much as I totally love my exMM with all my heart I know I couldn't have carried on being treated as 'second best' even though in his mind I wasn't! I personally don't think your man (or any other in the same sitch) is doing himself or the child/children any favours by staying when they are unhappy but, unfortunately, the decision is down to him.
Author Marielle Posted June 6, 2007 Author Posted June 6, 2007 I believe that a man with "cojones" will do what he has to do. And if he doesn t, it doesn t mean he does not love you...he just can t. It doesn t mean he does not love you enough, it's just that he want s to stay close to his baby but is struggling to keep you, you can recognize the love in their eyes, their tears, the way they react. I agree. I don't think that because a man doesn't leave his kids means he doesn't love his OW enough, the same as I don't agree that a man who DOES leave his family for a OW is a bad father. Everyone is different, has different levels of love and guilt and chooses different ways of coping with things. I DO think that a lot of men want to leave but are very weak. Some just take the 'easy' option, although is it easier to stay with someone who you apparently no longer love, to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of someone elses? Who knows? I left my partner after 8 years and still feel guilty for it, although my son was too young to understand and doesn't remember us all living together. I don't think what I did was brave (as I have been told). I DO feel extremely selfish but I HAD to do it. I think I would have been much braver to stay but I couldn't spend the rest of my life being that unhappy. Of course, it is somewhat different for a man as they don't generally 'get the kids'. M, at the end of the day, no one REALLY knows what your man is truly feeling apart from him although you have a better idea than the rest of us. Only you know him! I wish you lots of luck and the strength to do what you need to do. This man has made some bad choices and, yes, having an A while his partner was pregnant was dishonourable but what's done is done. If he is saying he will NEVER leave then be grateful that he is being honest with you and that he is man enough to face up to his responsibilities. (I would've liked the same level of honesty from my MM although he said he never knew whether he would leave; he felt he couldn't say either way). You have to decide whether you can put up with being the OW. As much as I totally love my exMM with all my heart I know I couldn't have carried on being treated as 'second best' even though in his mind I wasn't! I personally don't think your man (or any other in the same sitch) is doing himself or the child/children any favours by staying when they are unhappy but, unfortunately, the decision is down to him. Thanks Posh, I really appreciate your input, which is not B or white, like some other ppl. I agree with all that you said. The only think I want to clear out is that he did not come straight up saying : I will NEVER leave, (not that it's better) his position is , the time came to move in with me, and when confronted he says he can t do it yet, he cryes saying that it is too hard for him to leave his baby, he's scared for his wellbeing, whants the best for him. So I did understand and put myself in his shoes...he described how the boy kisses him on the cheek and grabs his arm (awwww, that really made me cry)and that the idea of not waking up with him scares him, so I am ready to let him go, I realize how it would affect them. But I am very sad and he's still trying to be with me, want s to talk to me, about a solution. He wan ts to see something in the middle. He is profoundly sad and lost weight...this guy is THORN and lost. I know I have to think about myself, but I feel very guilty... beyond the sadness of loosing him. I wish a miracle happened
Scott_W Posted June 6, 2007 Posted June 6, 2007 I think your first post was very helpful and I thank you for your honesty and expressing your viewpoint. ... Bottom line, your first post made a lot of sense, not the second one (it's like another person wrote it) My first post was a sincere effort to help you - from my point of view as a father who has raised sons. I also have a seven year experience of being on the other side of your situation. I wanted to help you and I have a history to draw from. I was surprised because I thought your reply was somewhat of a blow-off, skirting the issues of a love between a father and son. I got the impression that it was not helpful to you and not appreciated. Maybe you could go back and read my first post and your reply to it. You are of course free to listen to or reject any advice you receive here. I'll offer a little more to help you understand where I'm coming from: I understand that you SAY that you're letting him go, but it's common to see others on this forum that mean well and still slip back, and I think the extra encouragement, (sometimes tough) probably helps them FINALLY break free. Your posts left me with the impression that you're not real resolute, not yet anyway. - takes one to know one sort of thing - And I just wanted to help. At any rate, the real issue here was your situation - not my style of giving advice. SO: I still maintian that you're up against something that you probably won't overcome - the love of a father and his son - and in the chance that you DO manage to overcome, I think that in the long run, you're regret coming between them. There is, of course, an exception to every general rule. I also still get from your writings that you're still hoping to win him for yourself. I'm sure that most of the posters on this forum (like me) are rooting for your best interest and hoping you'll really back away and find a better situation for yourself. Even though your MM really loves you.
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