I am in hell

[Marielle]

Hi All,

 

Been here many times, in many stages..happy first, rollercoaster started then, broke up thousand times, many dead lines, promises, make up again etc...2 years after, and after a 2nd broken promise, I am out of it.

I can t continue like this, before at least I would be attached by a future possiblility of a future with him..

Let me recap: He got married with his wife because she got pregnant, while pregnant we got close and started a very committed R, he told me he didn t love his wife, and was willing to divorce in the future.

Now his son is 1 1/2 and understandlably he got very attached to him, so he doesn t want to leave because he doesn t want his son to think he was abandoned.

He admitted it crying. So I went: why did you lie that we could have a future together? Because, he said, he wanted to keep me, the worst thing for him is to loose me. So I went furious because I am the one ho has to put the heart pieces together, did he not think about the consequences when I find out he's not leaving? I do understand him, but why did he string me along? I know he loves me like crazy, and I love him with all my heart, and I KNOW HE DOES NOT LOVE HIS WIFE, I just cannot cope with this!

How can someone who loves you put you through this? He says he loves me like the daughter he never had, that I am the most important thing in his life??!!!

I do not look for understanding, just for some support! I am living the worst time of my life, I m very sad and deppressed.

I don t know what he wants from me, the ball is in my court he said, damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lonelybird]

Leave him. Or you will get hurt deeply.

 

This is his plan: a wife and a lover. A man seek other woman when his wife was pregnant?? what kind of man he is!?

 

Are you willing to be his lover forever?

[Onelife]

IMO, if there is/are kid(s) involved, it just makes the matter more complicated.

 

The love for you is one thing but the love for his kid(s) is another. People have different opinions about whether "staying for the kids" is the right thing to do or not. But the thought of not being able to be there when the kid goes to bed at night and wake up in the morning can be real hard. Some MMs can be really torn between that dilemma.

I think we just have to make our own decison whether we are willing to put our hearts on the line any longer or not. As a matter of fact, for how long? Whether or not it's a dead end relationship? Do you like to be in this rollercoaster ride?

I hope you will find solution and be at peace with it one way or the other.

I really feel your pain as I am going through the similar situation.

[Marielle]

Leave him. Or you will get hurt deeply.

 

This is his plan: a wife and a lover. A man seek other woman when his wife was pregnant?? what kind of man he is!?

 

Are you willing to be his lover forever?

 

I already did that Lover..., I know it is the right thing to do, but I m so hurt beyond what no one can imagine, first because I lost the love of my life, second, because the person I gave my heart to was the one to stab me with lies, even if in his head it was for a good cause" not to lose me"

[corazoncito]

He says he loves me like the daughter he never had

 

Huh????

[Marielle]

IMO, if there is/are kid(s) involved, it just makes the matter more complicated.

 

The love for you is one thing but the love for his kid(s) is another. People have different opinions about whether "staying for the kids" is the right thing to do or not. But the thought of not being able to be there when the kid goes to bed at night and wake up in the morning can be real hard. Some MMs can be really torn between that dilemma.

I think we just have to make our own decison whether we are willing to put our hearts on the line any longer or not. As a matter of fact, for how long? Whether or not it's a dead end relationship? Do you like to be in this rollercoaster ride?

I hope you will find solution and be at peace with it one way or the other.

I really feel your pain as I am going through the similar situation.

 

Thanks Onelife,

It is so hard, and I know he's torn...deep inside I know he loves me for real, but I feel that pressure " it's her or the kid" in he's mind, it's horrible!!!!!!

FOr him it's going to be sad to lose me, but he's going to feel less remorse because it's like he did it for a cause, he's son. But he wont feel no remorse for stringing me along for 2 yrs? Where do I turn to now? He's not here to fix it. I can t hate him though either, I love him more that anything!!!

SOrry I am rambling right now (I think I am going COU COU!!!!)

 

I wish a miracle happened and either I would erase him from my head, ir I don t know what, I just want to feel less pain, now that I know he's not going to ever leave.

 

Do you think losing me would change something in him, in this kind of situation?

[Marielle]

Huh????

 

LOL, sorry, I should not hve included that, it's just an inside kind of thing we had, sometimes he would say I m so precious to him I m like a dauther in terms of quantity of love (and he's not an older man).

Just let s leave that part out, at least I am smiling a bit now

[Onelife]

LOL...that's funny. My xMM (believe it or not, I am relieved that he is my ex) used to say that I am like his baby too and he is not an older man. Thanks for making me smile too.

[corazoncito]

I think the thing is, in situations like this, there is no logic. He probably meant everything he said at the moment he said it (really), but his "reality" changes from moment to moment (he is living at least two lives, after all). He probably hasn't thought out what he wants, what it will take to get it, the consequences, etc. So, if you are hoping for justification for him for not leaving his wife that will make sense and be acceptable to you, I'm afraid you will never get it. He's probably not hiding it from you, he simply is clueless himself, and I doubt that will change.

 

That doesn't mean you can't decide what you want, and make that decision for yourself. In that sense, he's right, the ball is in your court. Do what he hasn't done, think about what is best for you in the long run. Where do you want to be a year from now? It all depends on your choices, because I suspect he's still going to be in the same clueless place.

[Marielle]

Haha One,

Me too I smile now, but with a knot on my troad (sp?)

 

We used to do and say a lot of silly stuff when we would ask each other: How much do you love me??? And the answers had to be totally uexpected, haha, we would say the weirdest things, but it was very romantic and funny and my ...ok, now I m crying again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Onelife]

It's ok to ramble. At least you get to vent and also share it with people who more or less understand your situation. I do that some.. well, a lot actually. And it helps!

 

I know it's hard and I too wish this pain will just go away. What I am doing now is taking one step at a time and try not to think too much about why (the reason for his action) as it does not do me any good. I try to look at it as the fact that once in my life time...I have experienced something special with this guy and at some point in my life I was soooo happy. But it did effect all parties involved. It was so hard I had to let go and decided that it has to end. I can at least smile because it happens! I do learn a lot from this experience. I am now rambling...sorry.

 

As for your question, "Do you think losing me would change something in him, in this kind of situation?" - it is like a challenge (I know it's hard to put it this way), we all will never know. Sure enough you and I wish it will. I do think NC is a way to go as it's the only way to find out whether you (and I) really mean anything to/for him. Whatever comes out, we just have to face it.

 

I hope it helps. Oh...and time will help you heal too. It does for me.

[Marielle]

I think the thing is, in situations like this, there is no logic. He probably meant everything he said at the moment he said it (really), but his "reality" changes from moment to moment (he is living at least two lives, after all). He probably hasn't thought out what he wants, what it will take to get it, the consequences, etc. So, if you are hoping for justification for him for not leaving his wife that will make sense and be acceptable to you, I'm afraid you will never get it. He's probably not hiding it from you, he simply is clueless himself, and I doubt that will change.

 

That doesn't mean you can't decide what you want, and make that decision for yourself. In that sense, he's right, the ball is in your court. Do what he hasn't done, think about what is best for you in the long run. Where do you want to be a year from now? It all depends on your choices, because I suspect he's still going to be in the same clueless place.

 

You hit on the nail, Corazoncito, even though he admitted lying to keep me, I have many clues that when he said it he meant it, but it changed each time, for example when talking about the future he would say things like "it's not going to be easy, I will still see my kid every day, etc...what I mean is he would say things to show me "it wont be all pink", if someone lies to you, they would give you the whole lie (if that makes sense to you).

[Onelife]

Haha One,

Me too I smile now, but with a knot on my troad (sp?)

 

We used to do and say a lot of silly stuff when we would ask each other: How much do you love me??? And the answers had to be totally uexpected, haha, we would say the weirdest things, but it was very romantic and funny and my ...ok, now I m crying again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Been there - done that! I know exactly how you feel. I a lof of times want to laugh and cry at the same time!!!!!

 

I am 100% with corazoncito!

[Marielle]

It's ok to ramble. At least you get to vent and also share it with people who more or less understand your situation. I do that some.. well, a lot actually. And it helps!

 

I know it's hard and I too wish this pain will just go away. What I am doing now is taking one step at a time and try not to think too much about why (the reason for his action) as it does not do me any good. I try to look at it as the fact that once in my life time...I have experienced something special with this guy and at some point in my life I was soooo happy. But it did effect all parties involved. It was so hard I had to let go and decided that it has to end. I can at least smile because it happens! I do learn a lot from this experience. I am now rambling...sorry.

 

As for your question, "Do you think losing me would change something in him, in this kind of situation?" - it is like a challenge (I know it's hard to put it this way), we all will never know. Sure enough you and I wish it will. I do think NC is a way to go as it's the only way to find out whether you (and I) really mean anything to/for him. Whatever comes out, we just have to face it.

 

I hope it helps. Oh...and time will help you heal too. It does for me.

 

Thanks for your support I can see you are at a stronger point right now (((hugs))))

How long was your R? And how long ago did you end it?

[norajane]

I'm so hurt beyond what no one can imagine, first because I lost the love of my life, second, because the person I gave my heart to was the one to stab me with lies

 

A lot of us have been through that, one way or another, so we don't have to imagine. You can get over the pain, you will get through to the other side.

 

Take all that love and direct it toward yourself; take all that determination to fight for him and use it to fight for your best interests. You are the only one who can make your heart whole again - the healing starts when you accept that you cannot go on with him and accept that you will be better without him.

 

You've been beating your head against the same wall for 2 years. It will feel really good to finally stop and let the bruises heal. One day when you have your own son with a man who is truly yours without reservation, you will look back with relief at making the decision to let this go NOW.

 

You can do it. You can.

[Drunkenlover]

I read your message, and I feel your pain. It’s hard to leave someone you loved for so long but sometime you need to take control of yourself and decide what the best way for you. What I am seeing right now it your boyfriend is just using you. He may tell all things he wants to do for you but that are only words not action. I think if a man really loves a woman, he will do anything for her even sacrifice his life for her. So he need to show you some action don't let his sweet words fool you. if he couldn't do it, time to move on. Remember time is precious, don't let it fly by, there are many fishes in the sea but you need catch it, not the one already hooked.

[outofdarkness]

What caught my eye in your post was that you mentioned that; "He loves you like a daughter???"..This doesn't sound like a healthy R to me. Of course, I don't think that any R IS healthy, but this sounds especially crazy to me...Take some time to REALLY think about what it is that you want from this R and what you think HE wants?

[Scott_W]

Marielle,

 

I'm speaking to you from the viewpoint of a man with 7 years of experience, only from the other side. And as a father of grown children.

 

I don't want to hurt you. I very much want to help,

 

I believe that he loves you. And I think he did not intend to lie and even believed he would someday, someway keep his promise. If you agree, that is, if you REALLY believe that he loves you then I think you should always keep that close to you. But from a distance, secretly and in silence.

 

You must understand that the child has doomed any possibilities of a real future with him. You must understand that even if he came to you, he would ALWAYS regret and hate himself and one day even will hate you, because of the child. It will never work now.

 

You don't have to hate him, nor be bitter because he's broken his promise.

 

It's time for you to be the bigger person and make the sacrifice. If you truly love him, then you must let him be - so he can be a father to that child.

 

You're future with him is now hopeless. Love him in the best way you can by leaving him.

[Marielle]

I read your message, and I feel your pain. It’s hard to leave someone you loved for so long but sometime you need to take control of yourself and decide what the best way for you. What I am seeing right now it your boyfriend is just using you. He may tell all things he wants to do for you but that are only words not action. I think if a man really loves a woman, he will do anything for her even sacrifice his life for her. So he need to show you some action don't let his sweet words fool you. if he couldn't do it, time to move on. Remember time is precious, don't let it fly by, there are many fishes in the sea but you need catch it, not the one already hooked.

 

Using me for what, for sex? Nah, it was amazing, but after 2 yrs and what we went throught he was in love, he's just stupid...could not tell me he changed he's mind, or at least things changed, he opted for silence at let things go, untill I explosed.

I really liked the fishes in the sea comment, that's sooooo true

[Marielle]

Marielle,

 

I'm speaking to you from the viewpoint of a man with 7 years of experience, only from the other side. And as a father of grown children.

 

I don't want to hurt you. I very much want to help,

 

I believe that he loves you. And I think he did not intend to lie and even believed he would someday, someway keep his promise. If you agree, that is, if you REALLY believe that he loves you then I think you should always keep that close to you. But from a distance, secretly and in silence.

 

You must understand that the child has doomed any possibilities of a real future with him. You must understand that even if he came to you, he would ALWAYS regret and hate himself and one day even will hate you, because of the child. It will never work now.

 

You don't have to hate him, nor be bitter because he's broken his promise.

 

It's time for you to be the bigger person and make the sacrifice. If you truly love him, then you must let him be - so he can be a father to that child.

 

You're future with him is now hopeless. Love him in the best way you can by leaving him.

 

I know but this is soooo hard, I am so sad. WHy so many ppl with children divorce?

My parents divorced and I have 3 brothers...We saw our dad almost everyday, now whe are in different countries.

[Scott_W]

I know but this is soooo hard, I am so sad. WHy so many ppl with children divorce?

My parents divorced and I have 3 brothers...We saw our dad almost everyday, now whe are in different countries.

 

I know it's hard dear ... that's why you're here looking for help.

You are looking for help right?

 

Because if you're really looking for support to keep doing what you want to do ... just say so ... there are plenty here who will help you that way too.

 

You're not paying attention to his signals

- and you're dreaming up little rationalizations.

 

You did blow off what I consider an insurmountable mountain of an obstacle, the boy.

What because you had a father who negleted you and you know others have too ...

... so you're saying you think your man ought to go for you and neglect the boy

... you and other negleted children grow up fine so that boy will too?

 

For any man who is not an a**hole and any quality man that you'd wanna marry?

Let me tell you - if he's a good guy then his love for his son is much bigger than you think.

You can't overpower that. Why would you want him if you could do that?

 

I still go with accepting you're quest as hopless - let the boy have his daddy.

 

Or is the daddy just using the boy as his excuse to blow you off?

His excuse not to divorce and marry you.

FWIW: That's really how I see it but didn't want to say so at first.

 

Either way - What difference does it make?

You're case seems hopeless either way and I think you should take the high ground and save your dignity.

 

If I thought you had a chance, I wouldn't say any of this.

 

You should be the one to stop this!

[Marielle]

WTF???

 

Is this supposed to be helpful??

 

perhaps i'm the stupid one cause none of this makes sence!!:rolleyes:

 

Don't listen to Mountain Donkey. He is not trying to be helpful.

Hope you feel better today.

 

 

DOn t worry, I do not take it seriously or even personally, there are many weird ppl on the net, as much that in real life.

If loving someone with all your heart, even if it's the wrong person, HAVING THE COURAGE TO END IT, and being sad is being PSYCHO, well I am one then, lol

 

 

How are you today, do you have PM?

[Onelife]

Well....then I guess I am in it with you too, lol...

 

Happy to hear that you are having courage to end it! It's the right thing to do at least for now. May strength and courage be with you.

 

About your question the other day, My A lasted one whole year and I just decided to end it for good (after many many tries, like you said broke up thousand times) last week. I determine to do it this time as it's become too much of a soul destroying and it's a dead end R. The pain caused by the A just overwhelmed me. XMM still tries to contact me but I WILL NOT GO BACK. I try to be strong and I am doing much better these days but believe me I feel weak a lot of times. Just have to snap out of it.

 

Well...afterall he was the love of my life. Just wish things would be different! I guess it's what most (if not all) the OWs wish for.

[Lizzie60]

Hi All,

 

Been here many times, in many stages..happy first, rollercoaster started then, broke up thousand times, many dead lines, promises, make up again etc...2 years after, and after a 2nd broken promise, I am out of it.

I can t continue like this, before at least I would be attached by a future possiblility of a future with him..

Let me recap: He got married with his wife because she got pregnant, while pregnant we got close and started a very committed R, he told me he didn t love his wife, and was willing to divorce in the future.

Now his son is 1 1/2 and understandlably he got very attached to him, so he doesn t want to leave because he doesn t want his son to think he was abandoned.

He admitted it crying. So I went: why did you lie that we could have a future together? Because, he said, he wanted to keep me, the worst thing for him is to loose me. So I went furious because I am the one ho has to put the heart pieces together, did he not think about the consequences when I find out he's not leaving? I do understand him, but why did he string me along? I know he loves me like crazy, and I love him with all my heart, and I KNOW HE DOES NOT LOVE HIS WIFE, I just cannot cope with this!

How can someone who loves you put you through this? He says he loves me like the daughter he never had, that I am the most important thing in his life??!!!

I do not look for understanding, just for some support! I am living the worst time of my life, I m very sad and deppressed.

I don t know what he wants from me, the ball is in my court he said, damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

It looks like a 'play', they all (MMs) followed the exact same script:

 

- got married

- started a very committed R

- he told me he didn t love his wife

- was willing to divorce in the future.

- he doesn t want to leave because he doesn t want his son to think he was abandoned.

- he admitted it crying.

 

So I went: why did you lie that we could have a future together?

 

So it goes on:

- because, he said, he wanted to keep me, the worst thing for him is to loose me.

 

I KNOW HE DOES NOT LOVE HIS WIFE,

 

Sorry but YOU DON'T KNOW THIS, he does, trust me, he does.

 

I am the most important thing in his life??!!!

 

yes... after his son, after his wife, after his house, after his investments, etc.

 

I don t know what he wants from me, the ball is in my court he said, damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

What a jerk! he knows so very well how to manipulate you...

[Marielle]

I know it's hard dear ... that's why you're here looking for help.

You are looking for help right?

 

Because if you're really looking for support to keep doing what you want to do ... just say so ... there are plenty here who will help you that way too.

 

You're not paying attention to his signals

- and you're dreaming up little rationalizations.

 

You did blow off what I consider an insurmountable mountain of an obstacle, the boy.

What because you had a father who negleted you and you know others have too ...

... so you're saying you think your man ought to go for you and neglect the boy

... you and other negleted children grow up fine so that boy will too?

 

For any man who is not an a**hole and any quality man that you'd wanna marry?

Let me tell you - if he's a good guy then his love for his son is much bigger than you think.

You can't overpower that. Why would you want him if you could do that?

 

I still go with accepting you're quest as hopless - let the boy have his daddy.

 

Or is the daddy just using the boy as his excuse to blow you off?

His excuse not to divorce and marry you.

FWIW: That's really how I see it but didn't want to say so at first.

 

Either way - What difference does it make?

You're case seems hopeless either way and I think you should take the high ground and save your dignity.

 

If I thought you had a chance, I wouldn't say any of this.

 

You should be the one to stop this!

 

 

I think your first post was very helpful and I thank you for your honesty and expressing your viewpoint. My reaction when I said that many parents divorced was not because I want to be selfish and want him to do it, it's because I see the reality, and my own parents divorced. I don t know where did you get that I was neglected!?, my father never abandoned us, he is and was there ALWAYS, he is very close to us, it just did not work out with my mom, they were almost hating each other. The fact that we are in different countries, well I am 35 yrs old, and I left my hometown, but we communicate everyday. And we are fine today the 4 adults (I m the only one who's screwed in the mind, with this affair, lol)

The fact that you completely changed your view ("Or is the daddy just using the boy as his excuse to blow you off?

His excuse not to divorce and marry you.

FWIW: That's really how I see it but didn't want to say so at first.") makes your post very ambiguous and nonsense after all, because it makes your 1rst post useless)

Sorry, I may be sad and fustrated and rambling, but I don t accept confusing "help". Not because you ve been on the other side makes you more knowledgeble. It's just YOUR other side.

 

 

I believe that a man with "cojones" will do what he has to do. And if he doesn t, it doesn t mean he does not love you...he just can t. It doesn t mean he does not love you enough, it's just that he want s to stay close to his baby but is struggling to keep you, you can recognize the love in their eyes, their tears, the way they react.

 

Bottom line, your first post made a lot of sense, not the second one (it's like another person wrote it)