Slapp Happy Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 My wife of 12 years had an affair. I have forgiven her. But why I am having feelings that I need to have an affair now? I love her, desire her, want her, fantasy about her....but still I have feelings that I need to have someone different. I need someone to make me feel desirable, sexy, important. Does she do that? I think so...but why do I want someone else? BTW, I understand that our relationship was ****ty for 9 years. We never communicated, she never let me know that I was cold and distant.
norajane Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 My wife of 12 years had an affair. I have forgiven her. But why I am having feelings that I need to have an affair now? I love her, desire her, want her, fantasy about her....but still I have feelings that I need to have someone different. I need someone to make me feel desirable, sexy, important. Does she do that? I think so...but why do I want someone else? BTW, I understand that our relationship was ****ty for 9 years. We never communicated, she never let me know that I was cold and distant. You answered your own question - you are thinking about having an affair because your wife's cheating left you feeling undesirable, unsexy, unimportant. And yes, there's a part of you that wants revenge, to even the score, to make her feel what you felt at discovering you'd been betrayed. Try some marriage counseling, not only for the fallout of the affair, but to strengthen your marriage and fix all the things that were ****ty for 9 years.
Author Slapp Happy Posted June 4, 2007 Author Posted June 4, 2007 Thanks norajane, I want to talk through the hurt. Just want the feeling to go away. We are having a good talk tonight when she gets home from work. But, I also feel that the feelings of having someone else want you is exillerating (spelling?)
norajane Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 But, I also feel that the feelings of having someone else want you is exillerating (spelling?) Of course it is. For a while. Then that fades, too, when the realities of life (or cheating) set in. I'm sure at some point it was exhilarating when your wife wanted you, back in the beginning of your relationship. You can get that back if you both try, but not if you start an affair.
Author Slapp Happy Posted June 4, 2007 Author Posted June 4, 2007 You couldn't be more right Nora. I think I want to be wanted. Don't really want to cheat. But, she told me it happened because they became friends and he filled a void in her life. Sorta f-buddies, I guess. I just want to be that for her, but also want to be desired. Like teenagers, exploring each other. I will have to work through this I know.
norajane Posted June 4, 2007 Posted June 4, 2007 Think back to when you first met, and start spending that kind of time with your wife. Go out to dinner and flirt over some wine. Look into her eyes and flirt with her like you used to. Touch her hand or her leg in the car. Touch her, hug her, kiss her when you brush past her while at home. BE the guy you used to be with her, and it's more likely to bring out the woman she used to be with you. I suggest you post this in the Infidelity section on the forum. There are a lot of people who have gone what you're going through and can give you much better advice than I can. I don't know if they'll see your post here in the Coping section.
Recommended Posts